MadManMike Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 i need some advice, my wife and I have been married for 12 years and have three kids. She has told me that she would divorce me if it were not for the kids and has no feelings for me romanticly. we have not had sex in the last year and a half. I tried to get her to go counseling but she refuses saying, that it did not do us any good the last two times( 2 different counselors) we tried going. She yells or complains about little things almost on a daily basis and sometimes more. I have made a big effort to make things better between us but no matter how many good things I do to make things better she only remembers or capitalize on the negative things. for example, if I don't call her on the phone to let her know when I am coming home she gets really mad. sometimes I can't call her and other times I don't want to call her because alot of times when I do she yells on the phone about it. I thought about filing for divorce but I could not stand putting my kids through it and I do not believe in divorce despite the fact I clearly have grounds for it. She gets stressed out alot with the kids and alot of our arguments stem from issues dealing with the kids so I think maybe when the gets get older things might get better again but there are times when she has such a hatred towards me it is hard to imagine if things will ever get better.
Woggle Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 See a divorce lawyer about filing for divorce and getting custody of the kids. Why be miserable. Oh yeah for you single men out there if you get married this is what your future you will be. This is why men should stay single.
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 Sometimes staying together for the "sake of the kids" is worse than leaving. Remember, kids are sponges and what they learn at home is important. Many base their parents relationship as something to compare to their own relationships later in life. If the parents fight and are cruel to eachother, they learn that it is OK and could repeat that, apply it in their own lives. Don't stay just because of the kids. If MC is not an option maybe a trial separation. 12 years is not a long time to be married and maybe she needs to feel romanced and loved all over again. Why not surprise her!! Get somebody to take the kids for a weekend, and you two go away somewhere. Just do it and tell her it is needed to see if one on one time will bring that spark back.
Trashman Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 Or maybe that tight-bodied nymphomaniac 10 years your younger who will be your second wife is going to run into you next week. A year and a half without sex and having to put up with that abuse and alienation? File for divorce. It will probably suck for a while, but when you're remarried years down the road, you'll probably kick yourself for not having done it sooner. You sound like a solid guy who puts a lot of effort and fidelity into a relationship. Don't deprive some woman more deserving of your love the chance to be with you.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 I'm all FOR saving marriages...particularly when there are children involved. But, a sexual drought of 18 months is beyond the pale. There are natural fluctuations in a woman's libido, but this in conjunction with her refusal of MC, suggests you are already living an emotional divorce. I refer you to Midlifecrazy's thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57880/ Although, his situation is not quite the same as your own, I think that you'll be able to see that without active resolution....you could be dealing with this for a very looooong time. As your wife has ZERO interest in marriage counseling, I would suggest to you that you seek IC (individual counseling) for yourself. I think you'll very much need the support a counselor can provide for you, particularly if "resolution" ends up meaning 'divorce'.
Author MadManMike Posted August 8, 2005 Author Posted August 8, 2005 thank you all for the responses. in response to whichwayisup, I have taken her out to dinner at a very nice place and while doing this things are fine even though the void is clearly there. It is hard to take her out for a night let alone for a weekend because she will not let just anyone watch our kids so that leaves me with one person. I tried to set it up for a weekend but she refuses saying she does not want to put the burden of watching our kids on someone else and spending a weekend together will change nothing about how she feels for me. in response to Ladyjane14, I was going to counceling for myself, more so for the depression i have been in. they wanted her to come in for one or two sessions but she refused. I wish there was an easy way to fix this but I know there isn't. Sometimes I catch myself pretending like there is nothing wrong because the thought of leaving will tear .... I just dont want my kids to go through the same thing I went through when I was that young.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 What DOES she want then? What does she want you to do? Is she happy with the no-sex arrangement and just co-parenting? This was my marriage for the last 3 years of it. We went to unsuccessful counselling twice. We didn't communicate our needs and it ripped us apart, both blaming the other one for each's unhappiness. We are separated now since January and I'm happy, I think he's happy but I couldn't really care less, the kids are adjusting wondefully, and the ex and I are great friends (so far). I think she is going through that thing all us women go through in our mid-30's.....we hate admitting that it's depression, and even worse to admit to being on anti-depressants. It's the overwhelming daily routine of raising kids, running a household, working (if she works outside the home), and that edgy irritable feeling that is like having PMS all month long. I can't say what her problem is, but if my exH offered to whisk me off for a weekend, it may very well have saved our marriage. Of course, his way of thinking.....if "I" had whisked "HIM" away....blah blah yeah whatever, who's the man in this relationship anyway? ok so maybe I am a little bitter...
Ladyjane14 Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 Originally posted by MadManMike .... I was going to counceling for myself, more so for the depression i have been in. Are you still going? Did you find the last counselor to be helpful? If not, why not try another? Sometimes it takes more than one try to find a good match in counseling. Don't be afraid to try a fresh approach if you weren't making progress.
VivianLee Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 I think the hardest thing is to put a tangible face on what "love" actually is. Is it a feeling? Emotion? An act? I do know that love isn't enough to keep a relationship together, if it were that simple then we'd all be with the person we started with. I don't think we are going to feel the overwhelming emotion of love 24/7 for the person we live with. I don't think it's possible. That's why there has to be more in common than "love". I I got some of the best advice from a TV Meterologist friend of mine (good advice can come from the most unlikely places). Last year he married one of the anchors for their news. They'd both come from some very bad relationships....here are actually two things he said to me.... Yes ****** and I just celebrated our 1st anniversary. It was wonderful. I am so convinced that we all change as people in our lives and the person who seemed to be your match when you were 18 may end up not growing up to be the same person you thought originally. *****is my perfect match. I laugh all day, everyday with her. Our kids think we are not all there, but thats ok because they laugh all the time too. Find somebody you can laugh with ****, it will take you well into your 80's! Isn't that just awesome? Now I still believe in my heart that you can grow old with someone BUT it is so hard, through kids, careers and mid-life crisis but you have to have the ingredients that holds everything together and to do that, you have to work your ass off every day. MadManMike, you can't make someone love you but you can learn to love yourself and realize you don't need this person to love you or to be in your life to have yourself defined as a person. I've been reading "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks (Author of "The Notebook" and "A Walk To Remember". I know guys are thinking "chick books" but this is by a man that feels and thinks like a man. "The Wedding" is a perfect example of a spouse realizing that things aren't what they should be and trying to make it better before things get worse. Now he has alot of money to pull off some things but the sweetest thing he does is not costly at all!! I recommend everyone to read "The Wedding" if you are in doubt about love and staying together. MadManMike, after a while and things don't improve, prepare yourself to the fact that it may be over and start living for a new life, a life with new beginnings!! That can be scary and exciting!! God Bless!
Author MadManMike Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 thanks all for the input and thank you VivianLee, you have given me alot to think about. What DOES she want then? What does she want you to do? Is she happy with the no-sex arrangement and just co-parenting? to answer a few questions and to enlighten all- my wife is willing to stay married for the kids and tells me if it were not for them she would divorce me. She said, "if I don't like the way things are, just get the divorce papers and I will sign them." she has no interest in sex at all. we do not have any similiar interests. We are more opposites than anything. I am not going to counselling anymore because I just felt is was going nowhere.
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