Mkn1010 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 So I ended up meeting my final online date (thread below): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/629117-meet-not-meet There were no issues/red flags or anything. He was lovely, nice guy on paper who has hit sh*t together, he's 32 and I'm 30, both never been married and no children, good jobs, respectful.... all that...but I just didn't feel attracted! So I have a European background and I'm EXTREMELY family orientated, but this guy was sadly estranged from his family for 21 years due to actions of his father after a bitter divorce. It wasn't his fault, but I can't help but feel like he will have a big part of his life missing that it so very important to me. Is that really heartless of me to think? He already did the follow-up message afterwards apologising for being nervous and hoped I'd give him another chance but I'm really on the fence, and I've always thought that that means it's a 'no'. Also, if you read my above thread, I'm completely done with OLD and lost faith in that being the way for me, so I don't know whether that's coloured my view here and left me apathetic as to this match! So should I just tell him asap that there was no strong connection?
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) If you are on the fence, that for me would be a yes. No red flags. Nice guy. Respectful. Has his **** together. Interested in you.... Check, check, check... It seems to me like you've kind of written this guy off, even before meeting him based on your previous post, without even giving him a chance. And that's a shame... The first time I met my boyfriend, I thought he was anxious and very serious. I was on the fence but my friend encouraged me to give him another chance. We went out again and did something fun - I saw a whole different side of him and I was much more attracted. Thank goodness I gave him another chance, because I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him in my life now. Seriously, the purpose of the first date is to get to know someone and see if you like them enough to go out again. If you can say that - give him another chance. Get to know the poor guy... You can't say that you actually know who this guy really is after one date when you were both nervous. People are really quick these days to throw others away, particularly if they don't feel "insta-attraction" - which is often nothing more than a meaningless rush of hormones. Relationships take time to develop... You have to give it a chance. And, don't write him off because he doesn't have a big family like you. I understand that family is very important to you - but you have your family. Just think, you will get to spend every holiday with your family instead of splitting time to visit with his family. That could be great! If he is a good guy, if he comes to love your family, if he has good friends... perhaps this won't matter to you as much as you think it should. Be open to the thought that the guy you meet might not have "everything" on your "list"... Edited July 18, 2017 by BaileyB 2
Author Mkn1010 Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 Thank you, while I largely agree, there's also the question of whether this person would want to see ME again if they read this post/knew my real thoughts! Which makes me feel bad!
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Um, ok... He did text you to essentially tell you that he wanted to see you again. How did you respond to his text? You do realize of course that everyone has doubts and strange thoughts early in the relationship... Wondering if he always dresses this way, or spends too much time with his mother, etc... It's ok to have concerns or questions about him or the relationship. This is the reason why we date... to get to know him and decide if you like him and want to have a relationship. But, if are really that uninterested in dating him or really that close minded about his family that you have written this off completely that it won't work, it's best to tell him that you had fun but you don't see anything serious...
angel.eyes Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Based on what you shared, I would go on a second date with him. You're making assumptions about a stranger in a total vacuum. Usually such assumptions are widely off-base and more a reflection of our own inherent biases, limited experiences, and narrow minds. (No offense meant.) Get to know him better and determine whether he does in fact share your values, including the importance of family. Don't make assumptions about whether he does or doesn't. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 I'd give it another shot. With that said, I did once refuse to date someone after I found out he'd not had a relationship with his children since they were little (they were teens at the time). He blamed the mother, but the way the story went, I felt he was a total schmuck for not fighting to see his kids and instead just shrugging and walking away. As a mother, I could not respect it. 1
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 With that said, I did once refuse to date someone after I found out he'd not had a relationship with his children since they were little (they were teens at the time). He blamed the mother, but the way the story went, I felt he was a total schmuck for not fighting to see his kids and instead just shrugging and walking away. As a mother, I could not respect it. This, is different and it's a huge red flag. Nothing to respect about a father who doesn't have a good relationship and isn't in the lives of his children. That was a good decision. 4
thefooloftheyear Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) ctful.... all that...but I just didn't feel attracted! so I don't know whether that's coloured my view here and left me apathetic as to this match! So should I just tell him asap that there was no strong connection? For me, Id say you are done....but that's me... I have a suspicion that you aren't really strongly physically attracted...If you were, you wouldn't bring up the things you did, because quite frankly, they aren't a huge deal..You are merely magnifying them, because he's really not your ideal physical match....I could be wrong, just an assumption... Those who would be considered relationship material don't "grow' on me....It's either there............... or it's not... TFY Edited July 18, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 2
Bastile Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 You're thinking rather than feeling, which isn't ideal. You simply aren't attracted to him - I think you are likely picking holes based on that. And he's already apologizing and asking for another chance. For me, I would consider that a write off and a bit of a disastrous date. 1
kendahke Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Stop forcing what isn't there just because you have an issue with OLD. He isn't attractive to you. Don't string him along thinking there's a chance with you when you're making it abundantly clear here that there is no chance. End it. 3
salparadise Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Get to know him better and determine whether he does in fact share your values, including the importance of family. Don't make assumptions about whether he does or doesn't. Agree. Someone who has been denied the luxury of a cohesive family might consider that to be the most important thing in the world, and what he desires most in life. You need to accept that people can't be ordered up to your specifications. Everyone struggles with something. An open mind and open heart are what you need in dating... not tighter specs. 1
smackie9 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Give up and move on...nothing more to say about it. 1
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