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What's a good length of time to get to know someone before you decide to get serious?

maggiecheungs

By maggiecheungs
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maggiecheungs Member

maggiecheungs

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I very recently met someone that both he and I agree that we like each other. I do not want to jump into a relationship as I've done this twice before and deeply regretted it, because I never got to know the person. Before meeting him I decided that the next person that I would casually date, I would want to get to know them over some time before I decided what I wanted next from them ( a relationship or move on to be precise). He and I both agree on this. However, he is also casually seeing another person and he states that he is getting to know her too.

 

I've never given someone time before I decided what I wanted from them, so I'm curious what would be a good time frame to set for myself? It probably varies per person but what is a usual time frame?

carhill Established Member

carhill

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How old are you and have you been married?

 

I'm asking because, generally, the older one is and the more life experience one has had with intimate relationships, or marriage, the clearer one is about 'get to know' time and content and what feels right.

 

Are you seeing any other men? If you aren't, I'd suggest it. Compatible people usually rise to the top of the list of their own accord. It flows. Then you make a choice for yourself that you'd like to date one exclusively. If they feel the same way, you do. If not, you move on. You decide how long and what content matters when getting to know someone. No one else can figure that out for you.

 

I tend to move slow so it's usually a few months and, at my age, a few months is a long time. However, I've pretty much always been that way. In my generation, a man who casually dates many women over a long period of time will pretty much bankrupt himself. Of course, it's not an issue for the women. Your parameters will be unique to you.

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maggiecheungs Member

maggiecheungs

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How old are you and have you been married?

 

I'm asking because, generally, the older one is and the more life experience one has had with intimate relationships, or marriage, the clearer one is about 'get to know' time and content and what feels right.

 

Are you seeing any other men? If you aren't, I'd suggest it. Compatible people usually rise to the top of the list of their own accord. It flows. Then you make a choice for yourself that you'd like to date one exclusively. If they feel the same way, you do. If not, you move on. You decide how long and what content matters when getting to know someone. No one else can figure that out for you.

 

I tend to move slow so it's usually a few months and, at my age, a few months is a long time. However, I've pretty much always been that way. In my generation, a man who casually dates many women over a long period of time will pretty much bankrupt himself. Of course, it's not an issue for the women. Your parameters will be unique to you.

 

I'm 27 and no I have never been married. I'm seeing a couple other men. I was thinking of taking a couple months to get to know him better. Besides seeing other men I am also talking to other men too.

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Posted (edited)

  • How do you define relationship?
  • What do you mean by jumping in too quickly?
  • What are you doing with this guy versus the other men you're "seeing?" Something is different about him if you're asking about him but not these other guys you're also seeing, right? Why is he in a different category?

 

IMO, all dating and relationships (prior to marriage) are about getting to know the other person.

 

What I've noticed when people talk about jumping in too quickly, is they actually mean they ignore new information after a certain juncture. In part, that's because lust, infatuation, or their emotional investment has blinded them and made them closed off to new and important information. They resist and ignore new data because it's at odds with the picture of what they hope to have. So they get burned.

 

For more specific advice, you'll need to share more info about your history and experiences.

Edited by angel.eyes
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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I very recently met someone that both he and I agree that we like each other. I do not want to jump into a relationship as I've done this twice before and deeply regretted it, because I never got to know the person.

 

This statement makes no sense to me. How did you not get to know someone because you were in a relationship with them?

 

Before meeting him I decided that the next person that I would casually date, I would want to get to know them over some time before I decided what I wanted next from them ( a relationship or move on to be precise). He and I both agree on this. However, he is also casually seeing another person and he states that he is getting to know her too.

 

You cannot really get to know someone by *casually* dating them. You just get to scratch the surface. Exclusively dating someone is how you'll get to know someone under the surface. If you don't like what you see underneath no one is forcing you to remain in that exclusive relationship.

 

I've never given someone time before I decided what I wanted from them, so I'm curious what would be a good time frame to set for myself? It probably varies per person but what is a usual time frame?

After 1 month (5 dates) I knew, and my bf knew, we wanted to date exclusively. It didn't mean he would meet my family it just meant we would not date others and concentrate on each other. If after a couple of months of exclusively dating I don't like what I get than I end it.

 

I really don't understand what there is to regret? It's not like you are moving in with them or marrying them.

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maggiecheungs Member

maggiecheungs

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This statement makes no sense to me. How did you not get to know someone because you were in a relationship with them?

 

 

 

You cannot really get to know someone by *casually* dating them. You just get to scratch the surface. Exclusively dating someone is how you'll get to know someone under the surface. If you don't like what you see underneath no one is forcing you to remain in that exclusive relationship.

 

After 1 month (5 dates) I knew, and my bf knew, we wanted to date exclusively. It didn't mean he would meet my family it just meant we would not date others and concentrate on each other. If after a couple of months of exclusively dating I don't like what I get than I end it.

 

I really don't understand what there is to regret? It's not like you are moving in with them or marrying them.

 

I suppose just getting to know each other better by being friends and hanging out before we decide? I've only known him for two weeks so far.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I suppose just getting to know each other better by being friends and hanging out before we decide? I've only known him for two weeks so far.

 

How often did you see this guy?

 

What does *being in a relationship* mean to you?

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maggiecheungs Member

maggiecheungs

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How often did you see this guy?

 

What does *being in a relationship* mean to you?

 

So far, I've seen him twice as he lives two hours away. I tend to see him not this coming weekend, but the weekend after.

 

I've never really had a positive relationship, but I suppose to me a relationship is someone that is a friend that I can trust a great deal, and am intimately involved in. A key aspect that I would expect from a relationship is that I can count on them when I need support for something, especially emotionally support.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Berfore 'getting serious', I would date someone exclusively for as long as it takes to know that the relationship has legs.

 

In order: Dating > exclusive > In a relationship/serious > begin talk about a long term future together.

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meta.morphate Member

meta.morphate

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I don't know if you can really put a set parameter of time on how long you should give a person ... I once heard that you never really know someone until you've been through all four seasons with them. That might sound ridiculous to some, but to me, its kind of an interesting guideline.

 

 

Or you can judge by other things. Have you seen him in a situation where he has to display integrity, or has to confront someone, or is annoyed, have you seen him with his dog or his mom or his friends? Have you seen him disappointed and how he handles it? Has he been mad at you, and how did that go? Those are milestones, or keystones, that you can use to judge how you feel about someone, and how you feel about taking a step forward, or back.

 

 

Have you had sex? Sounds like no. Is that what you're waiting on? I don't necessarily think you have to wait until you're in a real serious relationship to become sexual, but again, maybe some people do, and there's points to consider on either side. But I feel like incompatible sex would be a deal breaker.

 

 

I know how you feel though, I feel like I was pressured into my last relationship ... my bf and I were just getting to know each other, hanging out, I was "with" him (ie - not also "hanging out" with any of his friends, who all lived in one house) but I didn't feel the need to be all official and serious, but he really pressured me, and I spent two years in that relationship and at least one year trying to figure out why I wanted to get out, when he wasn't abuse or anything, but it just wasn't right for me - and finally I realized I hadn't been ready to get INTO it. So, I want to take things slow with the next person, and I honestly don't care if it DOES take all four seasons. If it's mean to be, it'll work out and what is four seasons compared to a lifetime? Take as long as you feel you need, and check in with yourself about your comfort level.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Posted (edited)

How can you possibly get to know him better if he is seeing someone else and you will not see him again till the week end after next?

 

I guess you are holding him at arms length, but to get to know someone you have to get up close and personal. Find out what they think, find out how they react to different situations and find out all there is to know about them. If you decide you do not like the real him, then bail. No harm, no foul.

 

By dating others you are confusing yourself.

Men are either interested or they are not, A guy who is also dating someone else is not paying any real attention to you, so get rid of him, and find a guy who wants to get to know the real you, up close and personal too.

Edited by elaine567
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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A guy who is also dating someone else is not paying any real attention to you, so get rid of him, and find a guy who wants to get to know the real you, up close and personal too.

 

And vice verca. If you really wanted to get to know the real him, you wouldn't be dating others.

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DashRiprock Member

DashRiprock

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Are you seeing any other men? If you aren't, I'd suggest it. Compatible people usually rise to the top of the list of their own accord.

 

A few months? Really? Or, busy men like myself get tired after a while of putting up with the woman's dating merry go round and stop seeing them. Usually, the multi-dating woman is left with the most desperate guy willing to put up with whatever while all the decent guys said the heck with it and moved on.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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So far, I've seen him twice as he lives two hours away. I tend to see him not this coming weekend, but the weekend after.

 

I don't see this as being viable. He lives 2 hours away and you won't be able to see him enough to develop interest and connection. On top of that he's dating others, you're dating others, I don't see the purpose of dragging this guy along. Find someone local you can get to know face to face at least 2 times a week.

 

I've never really had a positive relationship, but I suppose to me a relationship is someone that is a friend that I can trust a great deal, and am intimately involved in. A key aspect that I would expect from a relationship is that I can count on them when I need support for something, especially emotionally support.

 

How will you build trust with a man living 2 hours away and seeing him 2-3 times a month? Again, not viable.

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