mischalove Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Okay, I need some dating advice. I'm not having trouble meeting guys out or on dating sites. I'm a 37 year old woman and got out of a long-term relationship about 5 months ago and have been dating since then. There have been two guys that I have been VERY interested in and got ridiculously excited about and so did they, but ultimately they both ended it, although it seemed to start out with both of them being all about me. A third guy I was lukewarm about continued to be all about me and I had to end it. I can only read into this as me sending out some kind of desperate clinger vibe when I start having feelings? I do know that when I get excited I started over-analyzing and have a hard time being my authentic self. I know there is a dance with dating whether we like it or not, I'm thinking I need to be more illusive even when I don't want to be?
lurker74 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Not illusive - but you cannot be overly invested. When one side of the relationship becomes much more heavily invested than the other, it gets sensed. Try to match your partner's investment....in time, energy, and emotion. After a few weeks, you can be more effusive but if someone is, say, a lot more invested in you than you are in them, you won't respect him. The reverse is also true. I guess in summary, try to be a mirror. And also recognize it takes a lot of swings before you get a hit. 2
scooby-philly Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Hey OP Very interesting topic. As someone that's more in touch with their emotional side, their moods, and more affectionate and caring than the stereotypical US Male - I'd say don't change who you are. And I wouldn't advocate even trying to consciously change your behavior too much. But....it's worth noting that there's (IMHO) nothing wrong with learning how to observe any relationship your in (including just with friends, with family, or even at work) from a third party perspective. You obviously don't want to turn someone off who may be really keen on you and vice versa, all for the sake of avoiding getting hurt or avoiding past mistakes. You can learn from them, you can learn to stop every few days or once a week or once every 2 weeks and do a self check in to see what your feelings are - if you've been ignoring signs that your gut has been telling you to pay attention to, etc. You and only you know your feelings. And while it's true the previous commentator's post misses something. Yes, if someone comes off as clingy, needy, or too strongly early on it's can turn someone off (goes both ways obviously) it's also good to do some self assessment and come to grips with yourself and your style...... For example, I tend to be one of those that gets involved too quickly too soon. When I was younger, it led me down a few paths that ended in pain in many different forms. Suffice to say that I will not change who I am, but I've learned to 1. Stay a bit more focused on myself and not come off too strongly, 2. If I catch myself potentially coming off too strongly I'll preface actions or conversations 3. I learned to watch what people say and do and the red flags to watch out for along the way - and there's dozens of them - 4. I've also learned that each couple has their own "burn" level - so while some relationships start hot and then turn cold, for a lot of people it's just a question of their style, communication skills, personality, habits - so for me, while I don't want someone that's obsessive, controlling or with me out of desperation, I wouldn't be a good fit for someone who's heavily on the "alone time" scale, someone who's on the "proper appearances" side of the scale too heavy, etc - So for you - don't change your personality - but ask - "after the initial sizzle is over - what do I want and who am I?" 2
Author mischalove Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies, it really means a lot. I had not dated much before I started dating my ex so this is all pretty new and so hard to not take personally. My ex and I had a wonderful relationship but realized it was more of a friendship than lovers, we never had that intense heat or passion even in the beginning. So the intensity with other guys has been intoxicating and may be why I get overly invested. You have given me a lot of food for thought on this. I want to stay authentically me but also not scare someone because I've gotten too 'high' on the initial stage. Thank you!!!!!!!!!
rushed Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 If I've learned anything from reading the posts on here, it's don't sleep with a guy too soon. It's such a bummer to read all the stories on here from ladies who thought a guy was really into them then got ghosted after sleeping with him after the second or third date. Of course, that doesn't always happen (I slept with my now ex-boyfriend on the first date and we were together after that for about three years), but it seems to happen more often than not.
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