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Ex is dating someone and I'm upset even though I ALSO am with someone?!

PacificPlain

By PacificPlain
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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I can't believe I'm even posting about this.

 

Backstory: I casually (he wanted a label, I had commitment issues and did not) dated a guy for a few months almost two years ago. I ended things.

We've run into each other several times since, and things have always been amicable. We texted several times, and run in the same social circle. Until late last summer when I ran into him alone, and he was dodgy and then told me seeing me made him realize he quote "still some had feelings for me he didn't realize". About three weeks after that run in, I started dating my now boyfriend and have been with him ever since.

 

Fast forward. A mutual friend announced to me last week that the ex is dating someone we know, and planning to make it official soon. And suddenly I'm upset.

I'm in a relationship, and have been for the better part of a year now. So WHY am I not just happy this man is getting to move on and be happy? I'm the one who dumped him, so why am I upset by this?

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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It was nice to know that he was still carrying a torch for you but now that he isn't, it's deflated your ego. It could also be territorial in that you once had a hold on him and now you don't have that control anymore.

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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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One more thing to add: I went out with a couple people in between the ex mentioned here and my current boyfriend, yet if I heard they were dating someone, I couldn't care less.

 

I've always maintained some kind of fascination with this guy. And I don't understand why.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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One more thing to add: I went out with a couple people in between the ex mentioned here and my current boyfriend, yet if I heard they were dating someone, I couldn't care less.

 

I've always maintained some kind of fascination with this guy. And I don't understand why.

 

Did the others still claim to have feelings for you? Were you in contact with them?

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frigginlost Established Member

frigginlost

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I can't believe I'm even posting about this.

 

Backstory: I casually (he wanted a label, I had commitment issues and did not) dated a guy for a few months almost two years ago. I ended things.

We've run into each other several times since, and things have always been amicable. We texted several times, and run in the same social circle. Until late last summer when I ran into him alone, and he was dodgy and then told me seeing me made him realize he quote "still some had feelings for me he didn't realize". About three weeks after that run in, I started dating my now boyfriend and have been with him ever since.

 

Fast forward. A mutual friend announced to me last week that the ex is dating someone we know, and planning to make it official soon. And suddenly I'm upset.

I'm in a relationship, and have been for the better part of a year now. So WHY am I not just happy this man is getting to move on and be happy? I'm the one who dumped him, so why am I upset by this?

 

Firstly, how old are you?

 

Second, three weeks after he told you that he still had feelings you started dating your now boyfriend.

 

His getting into a relationship is obliterating your ego and any "territorial waters" your subconscious believed you controlled are now disappearing.

 

Hate to say it, but if I was a betting man I would gather that things are just beginning to sting and more pain is headed your way...

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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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Did the others still claim to have feelings for you? Were you in contact with them?

 

One of them still had feelings, and we ended up staying friends. But when I heard about his girlfriend I didn't even twinge.

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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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Firstly, how old are you?

 

Hate to say it, but if I was a betting man I would gather that things are just beginning to sting and more pain is headed your way...

 

I'm in mid 20s. And what do you mean by more pain is headed my way?

 

My own relationship has been having issues/isn't very good lately, if that could some how be correlated? It's also long distance.

SevenCity Established Member

SevenCity

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I've seen this from women before (and I assume guys as well) "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either"

 

Knowing that you are no longer important to him hits your ego. This is why people say to move on as an ex often becomes more attracted when they can't have you / youv moved on.

 

You dumped him for a reason. Unless you are a sadist be happy for the poor guy. Do you really not want him to be happy after you dumped him??

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frigginlost Established Member

frigginlost

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I'm in mid 20s. And what do you mean by more pain is headed my way?

 

My own relationship has been having issues/isn't very good lately, if that could some how be correlated? It's also long distance.

 

Yup, your age is kind of what I thought. You're in that figuring out stage of life. The giveaway of your entire post is you stated he wanted a commitment and you did not. Subconsciously he became a back-burner boy as you stated you remained amicable with each other.

 

Knowing you are having current issues with your current boyfriend makes perfect sense on why it is bothering you so much. Basically, you're figuring out where you truly stand with the long distance relationship and you're not happy about what you're finding. The solid guy you turned away has found something that jeopardizes a security you thought you had in him and it's upsetting you.

 

Sadly, it's going to probably get a little tougher as this is a true life lesson event of you don't know what you got until it is truly gone.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Yea it's an ego thing...he's moved on...

preraph Established Member

preraph

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You don't want him but you don't want him enjoying life either. It's the black widow spider thing. Be cleaner and neater not to have to think about them ever again.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I'm in mid 20s. And what do you mean by more pain is headed my way?

 

 

Because more than likely you are going to obsess over this. You've already started a thread on a public forum.

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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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Sadly, this is all probably spot on.

 

To further muddle things: I saw the guy a week at a group function (I was there with my brother), and he was very nice and chatty and friendly to both of us.

 

Then I sent him a text about something last week, and replied almost instantly, and I never responded. Yet he texted me again the next day, to wish me luck at my event. We texted a little back and forth, but just platonically. He was responding within minutes, even though he was at work (hence why he wasn't at my event). I figured that was that.

 

Then my brother (the same one who was at the group function, who knows this him and he likes) had an issue on Saturday night (with something that this guy is an expert at, and actually what he does for work) and called me and was like, "My xyz is broken and I cannot figure out what's wrong. PLEASE call [the guy's name], he'll know what to do. PLEASE." I didn't want to, but eventually I did. I left him a voicemail with my brother's number, passing it along. Then I come to find out....He never called my brother, and he didn't respond to me either. Which makes me mad, because my brother has never done anything to wrong him.

 

Then I saw him again at a group function last night, and he wouldn't even say hello/acknowledge me, even to be like, "Yeah, I heard your brother had a big problem with his xyz. I hope everything turned out okay." Yet we all played a card game, standing in a circle, and he apparently was intently focused on what my card was in my hand ACROSS the circle from him he saw what it was the second I privately flipped it over.

 

I got home last night a couple hours later, and saw I had a facebook notification: He liked my profile picture. In the dead of night, a couple hours after seeing him. That picture has been up for several days--there's no way it was in his news feed.

Edited by PacificPlain
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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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Any thoughts on why he would go from being nice to suddenly cold and mean, yet like my profile picture?

kortz Established Member

kortz

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Any thoughts on why he would go from being nice to suddenly cold and mean, yet like my profile picture?

 

I don't think anyone on here can answer that, only he knows why but it sounds like he's playing games a bit.

 

The facebook like means nothing at all, he could have just been bored and thinking about you because he'd seen you earlier and wanted to check up on you out of curiosity.

 

The fact that you're with someone else should be incentive enough for you not to get sucked into any of this. Does your current partner know this is going on?

frigginlost Established Member

frigginlost

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Any thoughts on why he would go from being nice to suddenly cold and mean, yet like my profile picture?

 

You're with someone and he is respecting that. He sounds like a solid guy. He's remaining amicable.

 

What you're not seeing is that you're actually concerned about how he is acting/feeling. That's the death nail in regards to your current relationship.

 

You're setting yourself up for something very painful in the near future if you continue down this road...

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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If you want your current relationship to work out I would suggest you stop giving so much mind space and energy to your ex. He seems like a nice enough guy who is trying to respect your current relationship. I would suggest you do the same.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Do you find your current relationship satisfying and fulfilling? Your emotional investment in your ex suggests that it's not.

 

I've always been someone who is bothered by the idea that someone doesn't like me, so I get thinking about this a bit.

 

However, the fact that this an ex we're talking about makes me think that it's better to "let sleeping dogs lie," as they say. Your current relationship is going to suffer at some point if this continues.

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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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Do you find your current relationship satisfying and fulfilling? Your emotional investment in your ex suggests that it's not.

 

Not really. Our current interaction is a phone call late at night, which involves him telling me how tired he is and me hearing how many things I do wrong. It's been awhile since I've seen him, and there are no current plans in place for a visit in the future. There is also no plan/timeline to close the distance gap, even though I've offered to. And the future is never, ever spoken of.

Edited by PacificPlain
Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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I think we have pinpointed your reinvigorated emotional investment in your ex.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Then my brother (the same one who was at the group function, who knows this him and he likes) had an issue on Saturday night (with something that this guy is an expert at, and actually what he does for work) and called me and was like, "My xyz is broken and I cannot figure out what's wrong. PLEASE call [the guy's name], he'll know what to do. PLEASE." I didn't want to, but eventually I did. I left him a voicemail with my brother's number, passing it along. Then I come to find out....He never called my brother, and he didn't respond to me either. Which makes me mad, because my brother has never done anything to wrong him.

 

Your brother didn't directly ask him for help. This tells me one of two things:

 

a) Your brother doesn't have this guy's number. Therefore, he's not a close enough friend to go asking for favours.

b) Your brother does have his number but wasn't desperate enough for help to call your ex himself.

 

If you define being "cold and mean" as not not putting himself out to do a favour for someone who can't/won't ask directly, then you're a bit out of touch with reality.

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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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Your brother didn't directly ask him for help. This tells me one of two things:

 

a) Your brother doesn't have this guy's number. Therefore, he's not a close enough friend to go asking for favours.

b) Your brother does have his number but wasn't desperate enough for help to call your ex himself.

 

False. The guy had phone issues and just changed to a new carrier and new number a month or so ago, so my brother has his old number. I have the new one and he doesn't.

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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We can split hairs about details that ultimately don't matter. Or we can just cut to it: You're feeling like you let a good guy get away, and now he's unavailable, while you're intertwined with someone who sounds overly critical of you.

 

Doesn't take a genius to figure out why this is all bothering you so much. Just some honesty with yourself.

 

My advice: End your current relationship, but respect your ex's new relationship.

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Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

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I've been called cute many times and although I believe it to be a genuine compliment I will admit that its not one of my favorites.

 

I mean, I think my personality can definitely come off as cute but at 48, telling me I 'look' cute especially when younger men say it, I find it both ironic and kind of amusing more than anything. :D

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PacificPlain Member

PacificPlain

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We can split hairs about details that ultimately don't matter. Or we can just cut to it: You're feeling like you let a good guy get away, and now he's unavailable, while you're intertwined with someone who sounds overly critical of you.

 

Doesn't take a genius to figure out why this is all bothering you so much. Just some honesty with yourself.

 

My advice: End your current relationship, but respect your ex's new relationship.

 

I plan to stay away. I was out with mutual friends last night, one of which is pretty close to the ex (who was NOT there), and after we were talking and he told me, "He and the new girl aren't official yet--he's taking it really really slow with her (apparently they haven't even kissed yet). He's really smitten with her. But he's not into her like he was into you. I think he loved you, honestly."

 

So my plan is to just stay away and wish them well silently and fade back into the gray.

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