CoolJoe Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 This was my second time seeing her. I kind of see her more as a friend but am just going with the flow for now with no expectations. Well she suggested we go to the drive in which I never done before and was interested in doing so I said yes. After the movie I drove her back. We were having a good conversation and I say "After I drop you off I am gonna grab a bite haha I am so hungry." She then goes "I could join you?" And then I replied "Oh no it's ok." Followed by awkward silence. I guess my level of attraction was revealed in that moment. But honestly to me it was more I just wanted to eat greasy fast food by myself in my car at midnight while watching YouTube on my phone. It wasn't so much a knock against her but obviously she took it that way. Conversation resumed as normal after that awkward silence. She later texted me that night thanks for taking me to the movie. I had fun watching it and talking with you. I felt bad hurting her though. Reminded me of my own pain when I asked previous love interests similar questions and they rejected me in one way or another. I guess I know how the other side feels now... Anyway, ladies how hurtful was my comment to her you think? In hindsight I kind of wish I said yes and we could have eaten at a Denny's or something (it was close to midnight) and extend the conversation but honestly I just wanted some alone down time by that point of the evening.
Art_Critic Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Well you rejected her and then didn't pull any punches to relieve the pain. Sounds like a jerk move IMO.. But honestly to me it was more I just wanted to eat greasy fast food by myself in my car at midnight while watching YouTube on my phone. It wasn't so much a knock against her but obviously she took it that way.Seems like you meant it as a knock against her and she took it like you meant it.. Time to move on... 3
act00 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 You can apologize to her today. I don't think it was so bad that I would reject more dates, although if there really was no connection or sparks, this might be my cue to exit. I would suggest not saying anything like that in the future. If you want to end the night and be by yourself, don't say anything about what you plan to do after, as that could come across as either an invitation or you have better things to do than spend time with your date. 4
angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Stop wasting her time. You saw her as a friend to hang out with. She thought she was on a second date with someone who was interested in her romantically. There should never have been a second date. 15
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I agree. There shouldn't have been a second date or you should have made it clear that you only see her as a friendship material so that there is no misunderstanding. As soon as you told her you didn't want her to join you, you should have cleared the air. She probably gets it, but what if she didn't? In situations like this, being up-front about your interest is ALWAYS prudent. You need to clear the air or simply not contact her and see if she contacts you. If so, clear the air then. 2
Bastile Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 You say that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but you know what you are doing. And you are trying to shirk responsibility by saying this. Don't mess around with women that don't attract you. There aren't any positives in it, and it's behaving like a teenaged girl. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Ouch. In the future, just say you're going to go home to bed or something. Telling her you were going to get something to eat and then rejecting her offer to join you - yes, that would sting. I guess the small silver lining is that now she knows you don't really dig her. 1
kendahke Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Well, she now knows how you truly feel about her. To answer your question: it was hurtful. It was bald faced rejection. No mistaking that. Not much you can do except just leave her alone. A lesson for you: learn to filter what makes it way to your mouth from your thoughts. She didn't need to know exactly what you were doing after you dropped her off. All you needed to say was "I'm beat--I'm going home to crash". She doesn't need to know that between now and then, you were going to grab a bite to eat and watch youtube videos in your car. I agree with the others: shouldn't have been a second date if you feel this indifferently about her. 2
CptInsano Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 To be honest, I would rather talk to a friend over watching YouTube in my car at almost any time. The late-night snack at a fast food place after the "proper" date is almost a classic. So yes, what you conveyed is that she is less than a friend. 4
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 You could have recovered by saying "I would love to but I'm tired. I'm just getting drive-thru and going straight home, hope you don't mind". 3
Author CoolJoe Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 You could have recovered by saying "I would love to but I'm tired. I'm just getting drive-thru and going straight home, hope you don't mind". Yeah I could have said that but the moment was so unplanned that I wasn't prepared to counter it. I shouldn't have revealed my post date plans but I was shocked she offered to join. Lesson learned.
angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Most dates involved nibbles and drinks at some point. Poor girl was starving! Did she get any popcorn at this drive-in? Had she had anything to eat while she was out with you? 1
lurker74 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 OK, well, first off, ignore the people that said you were wasting her time. You didn't know that...you were suspecting that it was a no go but did a second date to see if there was more of a spark. From what you said, you didn't sleep with her knowing you were going to blow her off so I don't see why people have an issue with it. What? No one's gone on a date with someone they weren't sure about? Everyone here going ring shopping in the first week? Now, as to what you said to her, yeah, it probably sucked for her. It's not easy to put yourself out there ("Mind if I join you?") and then get rejected. It's not a terrible sin. If you were sure she was a no go at that point, it was probably the nicer way to do it. But if you're concerned, text or call her and apologize. I wouldn't...you seem done with her and it might be best just to tell her it's not working out and simply move on.
angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 OK, well, first off, ignore the people that said you were wasting her time. You didn't know that...you were suspecting that it was a no go but did a second date to see if there was more of a spark. Let's be clear. He wasn't on the fence or checking to see if there might be a spark. He already knew there wasn't one. He stated in the OP that he saw her as a friend but was going with the flow. In other words he had nothing better going on that night, was bored, or whatever, so why not have company to distract. Most considerate people, make it clear to the other person that thinks they're still dating that there's no romantic potential when that's the case. Hence all the guys who complain about being in the friend zone after a date. Yes, if you're on the fence about someone's potential as a date/relationship you may give them a chance. But as soon as it becomes clear they're no more than a friend, decent people alert the other person. They don't string them along out of boredom and then say hurtful things like a bratty teenager who hasn't developed empathy for others. 2
lurker74 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Let's be clear. He wasn't on the fence or checking to see if there might be a spark. He already knew there wasn't one. He stated in the OP that he saw her as a friend but was going with the flow. In other words he had nothing better going on that night, was bored, or whatever, so why not have company to distract. Most considerate people, make it clear to the other person that thinks they're still dating that there's no romantic potential when that's the case. Hence all the guys who complain about being in the friend zone after a date. Yes, if you're on the fence about someone's potential as a date/relationship you may give them a chance. But as soon as it becomes clear they're no more than a friend, decent people alert the other person. They don't string them along out of boredom and then say hurtful things like a bratty teenager who hasn't developed empathy for others. Respectfully, I read the same thing and come to a different conclusion. Here's what he wrote: This was my second time seeing her. I kind of see her more as a friend but am just going with the flow for now with no expectations. Second time - check Kind of see her more as friend but - check No expectations - check I see no problem going on a second date with someone I wasn't super into the first time but liked enough to consider her a friend with the potential for more if I missed my guess the first time. But, to each their own.
rushed Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 And then I replied "Oh no it's ok." This makes me laugh every time I read it, like you were doing her a favor by saying no. I'm sure it must have stung her a little, but she'll be fine. If you want you can let her know that you just wanted to sit in the car by yourself eating greasy food. Now, as others have said, if you don't see this going anywhere, try not to lead her on. If you just want to be friends with her, let that be known. 1
kendahke Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I see no problem going on a second date with someone I wasn't super into the first time but liked enough to consider her a friend with the potential for more if I missed my guess the first time. That needs to be made abundantly clear before going out on the second date so that she's not being led to believe that there is potential when you know without any doubt that there is none. Clearly, this girl was down for eating greasy fast food at midnight because she thought there was potential. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have asked to tag along--self preservation is one of the strongest human drives and I seriously doubt she'd have put herself out there like that if she knew OP already put her in the rubbish box on the shelf before they even went out that night.
JuneL Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Your reply didn't come across as particularly rude or hurtful, albeit a bit direct. Do you want to continue dating her? If not, you have to let her down nicely but clearly anyway.
meeji Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 I'm gonna call dick move on that one. She was enjoying your company and wanted to spend more time together. I also agree that your mention of food sounded like an invitation her that she tried to accept... Only to find out it wasn't and you were just letting her k ow that you had better things to do. I wouldn't sguest seeing her again as a friend or anything. I'm surprise she even texted you after that. If you went out with her she's probably cute. More than likely she'll be on her next first date in no time. It was 2 dates. She's forget about it after a week. Don't be a dick. 3
angel.eyes Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) Respectfully, I read the same thing and come to a different conclusion. ....... I see no problem going on a second date with someone I wasn't super into the first time but liked enough to consider her a friend with the potential for more if I missed my guess the first time. Yes, we're interpreting what he wrote differently. I have no problem with giving someone another chance IF I'm on the fence about his potential as a boyfriend. That's not what comes across as happening here. She suggested going to the drive-in. He went because he wanted the experience of going to a drive-in. He's clear about his interest in the activity itself being the driver for him. Then, as soon as the activity that was of interest to him is done, he bails because he would rather scarf down greasy fast food and watch YouTube (which he rudely volunteers to tell her when dumping her off at home). When she invites herself along (because he accepted her date so he likes me), he makes it clear that it will be by himself. In other words, he doesn't want to spend another minute with her now that they actually have to interact. Does that sound like someone giving a person another chance? You don't really get into significant conversation when watching a movie. Now that the movie is over and they can talk, is he trying to get to know her better to figure out if there might be a connection? From my vantage point, I say no. We'll just have to agree to disagree on this. Edited July 18, 2017 by angel.eyes 2
elaine567 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 It was a rude and inconsiderate move. Why say anything if your intention was to spend the time alone? The polite thing to do since you made a mistake in mentioning it, was to accept her offer, it was not as if you were not having a good conversation, was it? 15-20 mins to get there, eat the fast food and then you are tired and want to go home... Easy. No-one then gets embarrassed. A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do. Haruki Murakami 1
Bastile Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 OK, well, first off, ignore the people that said you were wasting her time. You didn't know that...you were suspecting that it was a no go but did a second date to see if there was more of a spark. I'm not sure if you're a man, woman, or what. But, men don't go on second dates looking for "sparks". Our spark is a quick once over of a woman's face and body. From what you said, you didn't sleep with her knowing you were going to blow her off so I don't see why people have an issue with it. What? No one's gone on a date with someone they weren't sure about? Everyone here going ring shopping in the first week? He didn't sleep with her, because he wasn't attracted. Now, as to what you said to her, yeah, it probably sucked for her. It's not easy to put yourself out there ("Mind if I join you?") and then get rejected. It's not a terrible sin. If you were sure she was a no go at that point, it was probably the nicer way to do it. It's important to grow up, and take responsibility for your actions. Going out on dates with women you aren't attracted to because you're bored, or for narcissistic supply, then saying you never meant to hurt her feelings is behaving childishly. But if you're concerned, text or call her and apologize. I wouldn't...you seem done with her and it might be best just to tell her it's not working out and simply move on. Break it off, and stop punching below your weight. 2
lurker74 Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) I'm not sure if you're a man, woman, or what. But, men don't go on second dates looking for "sparks". Our spark is a quick once over of a woman's face and body. He didn't sleep with her, because he wasn't attracted. It's important to grow up, and take responsibility for your actions. Going out on dates with women you aren't attracted to because you're bored, or for narcissistic supply, then saying you never meant to hurt her feelings is behaving childishly. Break it off, and stop punching below your weight. Wow - that's a lot of vitriol for my response. First of all, I'm a man. I'm glad that you speak for all of us when you say what men feel but in my personal experience, I have seen women more than once even though I wasn't 100% sure or even 50% sure about her after the first meet. I've experienced love where it grew over time (both what I've given and received) and am willing to try a second time sometimes. Likely not a third but that's only because I've never lacked clarity after two dates...if I did, I'd consider a third. As for the spark igniting or not after a "once over of a woman's face and body," I stopped doing that after my 22nd birthday. I've slept with women that were beautiful and found the relationship, as it were, uninteresting. I've hung out with women that I consider unattractive and loved it. And, as I've said, I've experienced times when someone I was not initially attracted to became attractive to me as I got to know her. Not that there's anything wrong with only caring about physical beauty...to each their own...but please don't paint me and the rest of the male crowd with your broad brush. If he had said, "I went out on a date with a girl that I immediately knew was a no-go...but when she asked me to the drive in the next week, even though I thought she was ugly, I went because...hey...free popcorn." Then I would agree with you. But he was much less clear in his description...probably more like a friend...but not definite. To me, I read that is possible even if not likely so let's see if something builds. Yes, his exit sucked, as I agreed, but it seems like many of those who post on LS/Dating with over 400 posts have an attitude that says, I've seen this written 300 times and here's your answer. I just don't see things as that black and white...but then again, I haven't spent as much time here so maybe that will change (though I hope not). Having said all that, I'm not sure why my reading of the OP differently should be you telling me to make a decision on a woman by looking at her, that I should grow up, or that I'm narcissistic is justified, but, hey, whatever floats your boat. Edited July 18, 2017 by lurker74
Miss Spider Posted July 18, 2017 Posted July 18, 2017 Tell her you aren't interested in dating her if you haven't. She probably thinks these are dates you're going on.
Author CoolJoe Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 (edited) Clarifications: 1. I never mentioned I was going to watch YouTube to her while eating. Just mentioned I was so hungry I would probably be grabbing some fast food 2. FTR I did add in "oh no it's ok. I just want to get something quick." That last part is pretty big. It still left an awkward silence but I did give her something of a reason. 3. We got there 40 minutes early so we had a really good conversation. It wasn't like we were unable to talk at all. Then driving her home gave us another 20 minutes of conversation. So we talked for about an hour. All that said, I just wished I kept myself quiet about getting food afterward. I might text her to apologize if my response came off as rude and clarify that I just wanted some down time. I know it's three days past but been battling a fever last 48 hours. Edit: lurker, thanks for providing a different perspective. I feel less judged in your posts and I appreciate that you know things aren't so black and white. Edited July 18, 2017 by CoolJoe 1
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