How to avoid catching feelings

[7675]

Recently started chatting with a girl I kinda grew up with. She's 20 while I'm 24.

She's grown into a beautiful young lady since we last spoke this much. But beyond that, she has an incredible mind. Her view of the world is so unique, down to earth. She's just so genuine and real.

She's been on my mind a lot since we started chatting 4 weeks ago.

 

But I have a GF. One that I am VERY VERY committed too. I'm not happy that I have another girl on my mind this much. To the point where I look forward to her messages more than my GFs ones.

 

Anyway, I want to know how to deal with all of this. Maintaining contact with this girl is important to me. She's an old family friend, i don't want to lose touch with her.

But I also don't want to carry on being borderline infatuated with her.

I want a true friendship with her. But how do I avoid unintentional feelings popping up

[Tribble]

Anyway, I want to know how to deal with all of this. Maintaining contact with this girl is important to me. She's an old family friend, i don't want to lose touch with her.

But I also don't want to carry on being borderline infatuated with her.

I want a true friendship with her. But how do I avoid unintentional feelings popping up

 

Is it more important to stay in touch than your girlfriend?

 

You lost contact before and it was okay. The time to lose contact again is now. Maybe, maybe, you can be friends down the line if you make contact again, but not now. Being in a relationship isn't easy all the time. Compromise is important and you can't always have your own way. Life isn't fair.

 

You need to decide which is more important to you and make your decisions appropriately.

[smackie9]

You are NOT very very committed to your GF if you are emotionally having an affair with this very attractive girl that as you put it "has an incredible mind" for 4 months.

 

Just think about it. What if your GF was chatting with a very attractive guy that she felt was very important to her, not talking to him was not an option for her because he was so emotionally and intellectually in tune with her, and she depended on his chats because they made her feel special. You would be crushed.

 

What you are doing is extremely inappropriate and wrong. Either you cut her off or cut your GF loose. I bet money on it if she knew the extent of your interaction with this girl and how you felt about her, your GF would dump your sorry ass.

[stillafool]

Cut contact with beautiful girl or lose your girlfriend. It's that simple.

[Zahara]

Maintaining contact with this girl is important to me. She's an old family friend, i don't want to lose touch with her.

 

You weren't in contact before so why has it become so important now? I have to think for no other reason other than your interest in her. An "old family friend" is just an excuse.

 

If you are committed to your GF, then that relationship should be of importance and the priority should be to cut off all distractions.

 

You can't have both since you can't draw a boundary.

Edited July 17, 2017 by Zahara

[kendahke]

Recently started chatting with a girl I kinda grew up with. She's 20 while I'm 24.

She's grown into a beautiful young lady since we last spoke this much. But beyond that, she has an incredible mind. Her view of the world is so unique, down to earth. She's just so genuine and real.

She's been on my mind a lot since we started chatting 4 weeks ago.

 

But I have a GF. One that I am VERY VERY committed too. I'm not happy that I have another girl on my mind this much. To the point where I look forward to her messages more than my GFs ones.

 

Anyway, I want to know how to deal with all of this. Maintaining contact with this girl is important to me. She's an old family friend, i don't want to lose touch with her.

But I also don't want to carry on being borderline infatuated with her.

I want a true friendship with her. But how do I avoid unintentional feelings popping up

 

In two words: self discipline. You choose not to go there and if you feel yourself "catching feelings" for her, you stop interacting with her.

 

What you are engaging in right now is called having an emotional affair and if your girlfriend was doing this to you, you'd be incandescent and apoplectic.

 

Doesn't matter that she's an old family friend--she's someone you've obviously not seen in a while if you're shocked at what she's grown into---had she been a constant and consistent part of your life for the last 20 years, what she looks like now wouldn't have you thunderstruck.

 

You cannot invest any more into this girl because that will be seen as a conflict by your girlfriend. You cannot use her as your emotional jock strap, either--and I mean going to her and investing in emotional intimacy with her when you should be taking that aspect of yourself to your girlfriend. And for all that is good and holy, don't take your relationship business to her.

 

You cannot have a friendship with her without your girlfriend being a part of the friendship and I mean to a larger extent than you have with her. They need to become besties they never knew they had for this to have a hope of not blowing your relationship to hell. That is the only way it could possibly work here. I'd say differently if you were in constant contact with her before you met your girlfriend, but from how you worded your post, it sounds like this hyper interest started recently and well after you met and committed to your girlfriend.

 

You would be well advised to practice total transparency with your girlfriend as far as she is concerned. That means blocking her texts. This is a colossal case of messiness just waiting to land on your head.

 

I am curious though: what does your girlfriend think about her?

Edited July 17, 2017 by kendahke

[7675]

It's been 4 weeks not months.

 

My GF just knows her name and that she's an old friend.

 

I'm just intrigued by her mind and her point of view of life. It's an intellectual interest. I'd never cheat on my GF. But I do understand that my current views about this other girl are unhealthy.

That's why I'm asking how to put that all aside while still maintaining a friendship with this girl.

[Zahara]

It's an intellectual interest.

 

It's more than just that.

 

That's why I'm asking how to put that all aside while still maintaining a friendship with this girl.

 

The more you get to know her, the more it will fuel your intrigue. If you can't draw a boundary, there is no way to have it both ways.

 

It's not fair to your GF that you are distracted by another woman.

[kendahke]

 

My GF just knows her name and that she's an old friend.

 

Does your girlfriend know this:

she has an incredible mind.

Her view of the world is so unique, down to earth.

She's just so genuine and real.

She's been on my mind a lot since we started chatting 4 weeks ago.

I look forward to her messages more than my GFs ones.

Maintaining contact with this girl is important to me.

i don't want to lose touch with her.

I (am) borderline infatuated with her.

I want a true friendship with her.

 

I think your girlfriend needs to know this, too, so she knows the truth of what she is dealing with.

 

Here's the thing: if this interaction with this girl was truly on the up and up, your girlfriend by now would know about what is quoted above and not just a name and that she's an old friend.

 

I'm just intrigued by her mind and her point of view of life. It's an intellectual interest.

 

That is the lie you're telling yourself to continue on this path. Affairs always start in the head.

 

I'd never cheat on my GF.

 

Too late. You are already emotionally cheating and hiding a lot of important information from your girlfriend already. This is always the justification used to begin down this road.

 

But I do understand that my current views about this other girl are unhealthy.

That's why I'm asking how to put that all aside while still maintaining a friendship with this girl.

 

Stop dealing with her altogether until you are single and available.

[7675]

Stop dealing with her altogether until you are single and available.

 

 

The discussions we have are light hearted but very engaging and intellectually stimulating. It's like finding someone who likes discussing philosophy when all your other friends couldn't give a crap about it. Of course you would gravitate to that person.

 

I want to keep that. Hell, i'm not even actually that interested in seeing her person.

 

I'm not trying to get with her. Given our relationship with one another and our families, it's unlikely that would ever happen.

 

But still, my mind is often beyond my control. I can't help that I think about her. What I'm trying to do is to push her out of my mind. Was hoping for advice on that

[Stuck2532]

I second Kendahke wholeheartedly. Many on this forum have been where you are now. We tell ourselves it's just an "intellectual" inkling. That's how these things start. If it was just an "intellectual" thing you wouldn't say that "she has grown into a beautiful young lady". At any rate, this is an emotional affair, and if you don't stop now, it will build into a deeper emotional affair and possibly a physical one. You came here for a reason. Do you feel bad that you are hiding this from your current girlfriend? Four weeks is not a long time, but time flies, and you'll find yourself lying more and more about this girl as time passes.

 

Are you engaged? You say you are VERY VERY committed, that's why I ask. Whichever way, this is unfair to your girlfriend, someone who you are supposed to care about. There always comes a point when you have to chose. You can do it now while things are just starting and it might be like cutting a rope with a couple of bricks attached to it. The rope falls and the bricks break, but it's not a huge disaster. You can also wait until you become so infatuated with this girl to the point where you start having deeper feelings for her (trust me, you are feeding this emotional affair and it sounds like it is well-fed). By then, that rope will be carrying not bricks, but a whole house of TIME, FEELINGS, and LIES. Now you have a disaster on your hands when you cut that rope.

 

I honestly hope it all works out.

[7675]

I second Kendahke wholeheartedly. Many on this forum have been where you are now. We tell ourselves it's just an "intellectual" inkling. That's how these things start. If it was just an "intellectual" thing you wouldn't say that "she has grown into a beautiful young lady". At any rate, this is an emotional affair, and if you don't stop now, it will build into a deeper emotional affair and possibly a physical one. You came here for a reason. Do you feel bad that you are hiding this from your current girlfriend? Four weeks is not a long time, but time flies, and you'll find yourself lying more and more about this girl as time passes.

 

Are you engaged? You say you are VERY VERY committed, that's why I ask. Whichever way, this is unfair to your girlfriend, someone who you are supposed to care about. There always comes a point when you have to chose. You can do it now while things are just starting and it might be like cutting a rope with a couple of bricks attached to it. The rope falls and the bricks break, but it's not a huge disaster. You can also wait until you become so infatuated with this girl to the point where you start having deeper feelings for her (trust me, you are feeding this emotional affair and it sounds like it is well-fed). By then, that rope will be carrying not bricks, but a whole house of TIME, FEELINGS, and LIES. Now you have a disaster on your hands when you cut that rope.

 

I honestly hope it all works out.

 

Truly appreciate this response.

 

Here's my thing. I won't be able to cut her off completely. I feel like no one believes me when I say "family friends". She'll definitely pop up at some point in the not so distant future.

 

And for me, I feel like trying to cut her off would be admitting that things could escalate. Trust me, the chances of that are unlikely. It would require me to actually pursue her for that to happen. And i'm not interested in pursuing her.

 

This is all here in my head. I need my mind to just focus on the friendship aspect and ignore everything else.

I know it's possible because I have female friends now who I once thought of as potentially "more" but are now simply friends, with nothing else to it

[Tribble]

Truly appreciate this response.

 

Here's my thing. I won't be able to cut her off completely. I feel like no one believes me when I say "family friends". She'll definitely pop up at some point in the not so distant future.

 

And for me, I feel like trying to cut her off would be admitting that things could escalate. Trust me, the chances of that are unlikely. It would require me to actually pursue her for that to happen. And i'm not interested in pursuing her.

 

This is all here in my head. I need my mind to just focus on the friendship aspect and ignore everything else.

I know it's possible because I have female friends now who I once thought of as potentially "more" but are now simply friends, with nothing else to it

 

But why bother putting yourself through it? Whether you want to admit it or not, you are either in, or perilously close to having a very real emotional affair. You get excited about her texts. More excited than when your gf texts. That is a problem. It's clearly a problem or you wouldn't have posted here.

 

Of course people can be friends, even after feelings of attraction. I also don't think you need to cut her out of your life, you've said it wouldn't be possible. What you should be doing is stopping the private conversations. The ones that 'intellectually stimulate' (and possibly more) you.

 

I get you don't want to admit that you could step over the line, but everyone has that potential. The people that don't remove themselves from tempting situations. You explain why you're fading if you want or you just do it. It's only been 4 weeks after all.

[7675]

But why bother putting yourself through it? Whether you want to admit it or not, you are either in, or perilously close to having a very real emotional affair. You get excited about her texts. More excited than when your gf texts. That is a problem. It's clearly a problem or you wouldn't have posted here.

 

Of course people can be friends, even after feelings of attraction. I also don't think you need to cut her out of your life, you've said it wouldn't be possible. What you should be doing is stopping the private conversations. The ones that 'intellectually stimulate' (and possibly more) you.

 

I get you don't want to admit that you could step over the line, but everyone has that potential. The people that don't remove themselves from tempting situations. You explain why you're fading if you want or you just do it. It's only been 4 weeks after all.

 

You're right. I suppose everyone is right.

I really shouldn't be holding on to it this much.

I'll try cut the communication. Completely if need be.

[kendahke]

The discussions we have are light hearted but very engaging and intellectually stimulating. It's like finding someone who likes discussing philosophy when all your other friends couldn't give a crap about it. Of course you would gravitate to that person.

 

I want to keep that. Hell, i'm not even actually that interested in seeing her person.

 

I'm not trying to get with her. Given our relationship with one another and our families, it's unlikely that would ever happen.

 

But still, my mind is often beyond my control. I can't help that I think about her. What I'm trying to do is to push her out of my mind. Was hoping for advice on that

 

I gave you advice about that. The fastest way to kill something is to starve it/stop watering it/ignore it. That is a fact of life across the board.

 

You're not getting it.

 

It's not what you want to discuss with her that's not going to fly with your girlfriend: it's the fact of the time, attention and focus you will be giving to some other girl other than her unless she really doesn't care about you investing any time with other women. Now if that's the case, then no harm no foul.

 

But most women would be concerned about this plus the fact that you say you can't seem to control yourself.

 

Does this girl have a boyfriend and would he be cool with you hogging all of his girlfriend's time?

 

What one thinks might be out of their control, but how they act upon what they think is most certainly under their control. You're trying to find excuses to not do what needs to be done and are looking for a magic pill recipe to absolve you so you can do what you want and not take the blame for the fall out.

 

Seriously? You need to have a talk with your girlfriend about what is going on... I mean, if the tables were turned, would you appreciate being kept in the dark about a guy she was talking to?

[meta.morphate]

You can always carry on as you are, and see what happens.

 

 

You seem like you're not willing to stop communicating with this girl ... do you care if your girlfriend finds out? Are you hiding the conversations from her? Do you ever tell her, "Hey, I was talking to Family Friend today and she said blahlblahblah, what do you think?" I think being open and honest about your communications with this girl will let you know what you need to do.

 

 

Maybe your girlfriend will be chill about it, maybe she's conversating with other guys that she finds intellectually stimulating, and you can all peacefully co-exist. If that all works for you guys then that's great. People are allowed to have friends.

 

 

Maybe she'll tell you she's not cool with it and you need to chose her or Family Friend.

 

 

But hiding and creeping and lying are just going to lead to disaster.

[kendahke]

But hiding and creeping and lying are just going to lead to disaster.

 

^^^This. All day long.

 

OP--Deceit is never the choice of integrity. If you can't carry on these conversations in front of your girlfriend, then you shouldn't be carrying them on at all because they're leading you to a place that runs counter to everything you say about being committed to your girlfriend.

[JuneL]

Maybe this is a signal that there is something not quite fulfilling about your relationship with your gf? How much contact have you had with this family friend since you guys reconnected?

[healing light]

Second what June said. Do you find yourself intellectually compatible with your girlfriend?

[7675]

Second what June said. Do you find yourself intellectually compatible with your girlfriend?

 

Yes. My GF and I are perfectly fine. There's absolutely no problem there.

Like I said, If I'm so desperate to hold on to this other girl, then maybe I'd be better off letting go.

I don't actually have any interest in pursuing her anyway

[angel.eyes]

That's the best approach. Don't reach out to her. Stop the private chats and communication. If you see her at a family event, be pleasant, social, but distant. Minimize any direct interaction even in those settings.

 

Take the energy and time you were spending on this 20-year old and refocus it on your girlfriend. Reconnect with your GF. Look into new things that you can do as a couple to break up the routine.

 

You and your 20-year old family friend both survived without these private conversations until 4 weeks ago. You'll manage just fine without continuing them.