JustMizz Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) A few weeks ago I went on the best date I have ever experienced. He brought me flowers and we walked on the beach. We had a blast! He kept saying it was the best date he has had. He brought me home, we made out, but did not have sex. Before he left he asked when he could see me again and I said how about tomorrow? When he got home he was texting how much fun he had, that he missed me already and couldn't wait to see me again. The next morning he text and asked if I was ready for our next adventure. He picked me up and we went to eat, rode adounda bit ended up at his place.....well, you know what happened. We spent the entire day together. After dropping me off at home he was texting that he had a great time and couldn't wait to see me again. I ended up going to his place a few more times during the week. One day was my birthday. All the while he always text me first thing in the morning and I thought things were going well. After getting home from the last day I spent with him, I text him to talk about where I stood. We never had the "what are you looking for" talk. He said he liked me a lot but it was hard for him to get close because he was still hurt from his divorce. But he stresses twice that we would get there...meaning a relationship, as long as I didn't make him feel rushed. This was on a Thursday. Every morning he was still texting me first, and all weekend I tried to hint that i wanted to see him, but he was busy with friends, which was cool. On Saturday I finally just said I want to see you, he said he wanted to see me, too, and I asked when. He said if not tonight then definitely tomorrow. Well, Sunday came and he said he would try to stop by. I didn't hear back from him for the rest of the say. By Monday night, I still hadn't heard from him and I lost control. I text a long winded message letting him know I didn't appreciate being blown off, that I sat all day waiting to hear from him. No reply. I tried to keep my cool but ended up sending a few more texts, probably a bit too needy, then finally, on Tuesday, a text apologizing for blowing up without knowing what had actually happened. That evening he text saying he was dealing with stuff and his dad had a bad cancer screen and to please let him sort things out a bit. He also stressed that I didn't do anything wrong. I thanked him for the reply and wished his dad well. The next night I text asking how he was doing. He replied, vaguely, then disappeared and didn't read my messages (on Facebook). I said, well I just wanted to see how you was doing and let you know I was thinking about you. He never read it. I just let it go. Yesterday (Saturday) I messaged saying I missed talking to him. He was active but didn't respond. A little later I messaged telling him I needed him to let me know if he was still interested. He didn't read it. Then I noticed he replied to a post on his wall after I sent my messages, so I lost it again and sent a message basically saying I didn't deserve being ignored and wouldn't tolerate it. I wasn't rude, but let it known I was fed up. Then I unfriended him. Now I feel like a total jerk and wish I could undo it all. I'm seriously into this guy and feel I blew it. I couldn't be patient for him but something tells me he's not being honest with me. I'm just not sure if its my intuition or me being paranoid. Is this salvageable? What should I do? Do you think he's not interested? Edited July 16, 2017 by JustMizz
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 He's not interested. Hard to say exactly when that occurred, but it's definitely true now. No more tantrums. Move on. 6
Author JustMizz Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 He's not interested. Hard to say exactly when that occurred, but it's definitely true now. No more tantrums. Move on. Sigh. So, no hope?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Sigh. So, no hope? I'd say no . I wouldn't put the blame 100% on yourself, though. 2
Dis Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 *cringe* Ok girl, where shall I start... The first moment he started to fade out...you shouldve let him go. If a guy wants to walk away... you let him. You dont put up a fight about it. You dont demand answers. You dont say a word Why??? Lots of reasons The first being, people who dont treat us the way we treat them arent worthy of our time or words. The second, it doesnt look good for you. I hate to say that because it sounds mean but if that guy wasnt turned off when he first started fading...he def is now You were seeking validation from a guy you barely knew. It was almost like you fell head over heels for him when we was just looking to get a piece of a$$ and to call it a day Next time, dont over invest in the guys you date and if a guy wants to walk away, keep your dignity in tact by showing him the door 8
Author JustMizz Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 Next time, dont over invest in the guys you date and if a guy wants to walk away, keep your dignity in tact by showing him the door I did fall head over heels....ugh. Thank you for your reply, I do appreciate it! Just wish I could go back in time and undo all that I did. 1
Simple Logic Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I think you got played and fell for it. Next time take things slower. 3
Dis Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I did fall head over heels....ugh. Thank you for your reply, I do appreciate it! Just wish I could go back in time and undo all that I did. Aww thats ok... I'm guilty of it too! Lesson learned I think its best to let this one go. He's really not a keeper is he? Onto bigger and better things! 1
Author JustMizz Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 Thanks, y'all. I'm going to work on letting him go. I agree, he's probably not keeper worthy since he actively ignored me for days. I guess I saw potential that wasn't really there.
guest569 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I text him to talk about where I stood. We never had the "what are you looking for" talk. He said he liked me a lot but it was hard for him to get close because he was still hurt from his divorce. But he stresses twice that we would get there...meaning a relationship, as long as I didn't make him feel rushed. I'm curious to know what it is that you texted? My advice in future would be to casually raise this in person, exactly what you've said there: what are you looking for? He came on strong and you both rushed in.. best to slow things down so you don't lose yourself. You sat around waiting for him and had nothing else to do. Have time to reflect and spend time with other important people in your life.
bluefeather Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Hey Mizz, Firstly, sorry that you got blown off like that. I know how much it hurts when you get ignored by someone you thought you were close to. The thing I'll say about your case, though, is that it seems like you were acting a bit needy. But I can see why you felt that way, as you two were spending so much time together and communicating so often. If he is telling the truth about his father, then I can understand why he might be acting this way. It still does not excuse his actions, though, or inactions - and that's still if he is telling the truth. Maybe you did make a few mistakes here as well, but the thing is, now you know what kind of person this is. And that is a person who, after displaying such a close connection, will ghost on you. And that is not a kind sign. I hope that you are able to evolve from this state of neediness in other people, even if they do seem like great people. Maybe he is a good person. Maybe he will come back and explain that it was a misunderstanding. It does happen some times, but so soon after sex? That's a familiar story told by many. Either way, I wish you well in finding someone who will not treat you that way. Take care.
Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I totally understand why you did it, and I dont think you did anything wrong except sleeping with him too soon. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault at all. When I first met my boyfriend, he never stop checking in w me. After sex the checking in only became more frequent ( though we had a big flight lately after 1 1/2 years) Even he was busy he would make sure he left a quick note to me. So I don't think this one is serious or worth your time
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 If he was really interested in you he wouldn't have ignored you. Maybe things got to crazy too fast and he backed out like a coward.
7675 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Whilst you shouldn't have been so clingy.. any guy who truly likes you wouldn't have ignored you and kept you in limbo
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 You had nothing to lose here...In fact, if you were less demanding, he would have probably strung you along and used you for sex for far longer.
PegNosePete Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 it was hard for him to get close because he was still hurt from his divorce. As soon as you heard this you should have let him go. He's clearly not ready for a relationship (or is using this line to get some NSA sex) and you're clearly not looking for the same thing. Seeking a relationship with someone who does not want one, is only ever going to end one way (you being hurt). 3
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 After getting home from the last day I spent with him, I text him to talk about where I stood. We never had the "what are you looking for" talk. He said he liked me a lot but it was hard for him to get close because he was still hurt from his divorce. At that point he went "OMG, NO, this girl wants a relationship and I am just fooling around." He shut you down then. No-one is "busy with friends" if they are truly "interested". He tried to let you down gently by fading, but you weren't having it and kept pushing. YOU didn't mess it all up, there was nothing there to mess up, you just failed to read the signs correctly.
Author JustMizz Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 Thank you all for your kind words. For those wondering, this is what I said on my last message to him. (I don't know if he ever read it because I deleted the conversation thread so I would stop obsessing over it) "Ok, I get it. You could have just been honest with me and I would have understood. I don't deserve being ignored, no matter what you're dealing with. Last Thursday when I asked you where I stood, that was your chance to let me know you wasn't interested, not to keep leading me on. I'm sorry about your dad and hope for the best, but I won'to put up with being ignored When I know I've done nothing except try to be there for you. You shouldn't treat people this way. I thought you was better than that. I won't bother you any longer."
Author JustMizz Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 I'm curious to know what it is that you texted? My advice in future would be to casually raise this in person, exactly what you've said there: what are you looking for? He came on strong and you both rushed in.. best to slow things down so you don't lose yourself. You sat around waiting for him and had nothing else to do. Have time to reflect and spend time with other important people in your life. While I was with him, we were watching Captain America and I asked him if he had a super power, what would it be. During the discussion, I said I wouldn't want to be able to read people's minds. After I got home, I text him and said I kind of lied, that I would like to be able to read his mind. He said his mind is an enigma, a puzzle. I said I like solving puzzles. That's when he said he was still broken from his divorce. He said he was over his ex, but not the hurt she caused. I told him I understood and wasn't looking to rush into anything, that I didn't want to rush, and felt it was better if people get to know each other and let things progress naturally. He said that's exactly how he feels about it. Then I said that I liked him a lot and was just wondering if he and I were on the same page. I acknowledged that I knew he was comfortable being alone (he had mentioned that) and that we didn't have the "What are you looking for" talk beforehand. And I said I'm not sure where I stood. He responded, "I like you a lot. We will get there. I've got to start reducing the amount of people I try to please and hang out with. I've got so many friends but only one me and I try to stretch myself but I"m starting to see that a lot of those friends aren't real friends. Slowly I'm finding out who they are. I got to learn to say no. I replied, "Ok good. And yea, stretching yourself like that isn't healthy. It'll just wear you down, babe. And fake friends, I got those. That's why I keep most people at a arm's length". Then he said, "We will get there. Just don't try to rush things, because that's when I withdraw". And I said I'm not trying to rush you, we are on the same page.
angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 He's still broken from his divorce was code for he's not interested in a relationship with you, when you raised the topic. It's irrelevant how slowly or organically you wanted to take things. At the end of the day you saw this turning into a relationship, and you were already emotionally invested in him. He was just out for good times with no strings from you. Thus the following comments when you asked where things were going, in other words...your status: "I've got to start reducing the amount of people I try to please and hang out with." "I've got so many friends but only one me" This is a man telling you he has no intention of meeting your relationship expectations or demands down the road, and will instead be putting on the brakes. Then he follows this up by refusing to meet again because he's "busy with friends," and when that wasn't enough to get you to back off, escalating excuses and blow offs. I'm sorry you're hurting, but at least he didn't waste your time and string you along for easy sex once it became clear to him that you weren't on the same page. Don't beat yourself up about your reaction. It didn't mess anything up that might have been. It was never going to be anyway. It did allow you to get the clarity you needed since you weren't hearing what he was telling you. Next time, just read between the lines. You'll save time and limit your frustration. It will also allow you to move on with grace and your dignity intact. 1
Chilli Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Well , earlier in , he just found out his dad had cancer for crying out loud . So his mind certainly wouldn't be worrying about his date . So even if he was into you he'd be needing to deal with all that right then first.. But the nagging later under those circumstances and with what he would have been feeling would have def' iced the cake and turned it right off l'd say.
angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) Well , earlier in , he just found out his dad had cancer for crying out loud . Yet he had time to go hang out with his friends but not the OP? Also "bad" cancer screen does not necessarily mean cancer. Edited July 17, 2017 by angel.eyes 2
Chilli Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 No worries. Remind yourself of that when you find out your parents have cancer.. And you don't just start cutting of friends after a couple of dates. 2
Lorenza Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 There's nothing to undo. He just wanted to get some action and then fade out. Oh, guys come up with all kinds of sad stuff to justify their sudden disinterest, simply because women are more empathetic and buy into that. A guy I dated had also pulled a "my dad might have cancer" line, not even kidding! All just to be able to have a non-committed sex with me Ask all the important questions BEFORE having sex and emotionally investing into a guy (and yes, you did get invested, otherwise there would be no blow ups). Let time show what is it that they want to pursue. And for this one - delete, block, forget. He wasn't serious about you. 1
angel.eyes Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 No worries. Remind yourself of that when you find out your parents have cancer.. And you don't just start cutting of friends after a couple of dates. It's one of the excuses he tossed out there to get her off his back. Is his dad in the hospital? Is he spending 24/7 with his dad? Obviously not since he was hanging with his friends, then told her he would see her the next day, but never followed through, etc. Not to mention most of the world can manage to date AND hang out with their friends. Heck, even spouses with children manage to have their own personal friends and a social circle. The guy wasn't interested in anything other than fun times. As soon as she asked where she stood, he wanted out. It was just a matter of finding an excuse that would get her to stop bugging him when he pulled his disappearing act. 1
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