Ohgotch Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) We are seeing each other for a year and a half. He divorced about 4 years ago and it hurt him a lot. He hated her by ruining the children and the family. I was his first serious girlfriend after the divorce. He did date different women before me but they were just short fling. The first 10 month was kinda tough. He had to deal w the financial problems from the divorce, and I guess he was still emotionally unavailable. He was very moody. But I really love him I think he's a great person so I decided to give it a time. Finally in about 10 months, he broke the ice, called me girlfriend, and our relationship was just so good and mutual. We are like the soul mate. And his financial problem is now solved, he bought her out from the property. I helped him to renovate his house. He was so grateful of what I did to him. He kept saying that he never meet a woman that was so sweet and treated him so well. He thought I was a great catch. However I have a jealous problem. I was jealous of his ex wife. In the beginning of our relationship he always mentioned about her that made me so uncomfortable. I told him many times and he improved little by little. But it still bothered me time to time, I became outrageous. Last Sunday the night before we went for vacation, I started a flight (the same thing). At first he was very nice and tried to explain it to me, but I drag on and on for a long time. He finally got mad and stopped talking to me. Next morning he cancelled the trip. He said he had too many things to worry about (his kids) he didn't have bandwidth for others. But he said he didn't want to end the relationship or didn't want this cancellation affect our relationship. I was so upset but to accept it is what it is. He said he needed space that day so I went home but he said we could meet the next day. The next day he said he still not in the mood to see me. He still wanted space. I went crazy. I went to his house uninvited and he was so mad. I said I wanted to break up w him. He said ok and then acted so happy ( I know he kinda fake it). I immediately regretted it and told him that it was not what I meant. Long story short, he took me home that night, but still showed affection (hold me kiss me). But he clearly angry about I went to his house uninvited and broke up w him ( he said he never think that no matter how tough it was). The next day I realized that I couldn't force anything and decided to give him space. I flew out of country (my hometown)and sent him an email to tell him that. He replied shortly and said he needed couple days not to think of anything but to relax and work. He told me to relax and be safe. On Friday after three days of silence, I sent him a sincerely apology email asking his forgiveness. He replied that he forgave me and said let's talk live when I got back. I replied I'd be back on Sunday morning and wish I could see him later that day. He didn't reply it for two days. On Sunday morning when I landed, I got his message he said he couldn't see me today because he was busy and next week he had his children whole week. He was not sure what to do. Then I tried to call him couple times he didn't pick up. I texted him but he didn't read it or reply. I honestly don't know what to do. He's a very honest and transparent person. He is always open to talk. But he tended to be silent when he's stress. It happened before ( but this time is longer). We never got into the situation like this. Is he breaking up w me? Or just need more space (it has been a week already). I'm so panic and sad What else can I do? Please help Edited July 16, 2017 by Ohgotch
darkmoon Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) leave him alone with his kids you have to stop breaking his wishes let him contact you, give him ten days, he wanted to relax, he needs this, stop indulging yourself, stop pestering hiim Edited July 16, 2017 by darkmoon 2
Author Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 leave him alone with his kids you have to stop breaking his wishes let him contact you, give him ten days, he wanted to relax, he needs this, stop indulging yourself, stop pestering hiim Thanks so much for your advice. Yes, it's very true, I need to stop pestering him. It is nothing I can do now anyway. I'm just so scared and panic. He never treat me like that. And I have confident that he would keep his words to talk to me live some day, I just don't know when
Ieris Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 @Ohgotch ~ Sorry to say this but I think he's doing the slow fade on you. I think it's inappropriate that he keeps talking about his ex wife.. maybe he still misses her or something??? But you should never go crazy like that... it can really turn people off. You've already emailed, called and texted him so he clearly knows you are looking for him and is hiding. So give him all the space he wants and he will get in touch when he is ready to talk. All you can do now it get on with your life, do not beg, do not wait, do not mope around waiting for him to call. 2
Author Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 @Ohgotch ~ Sorry to say this but I think he's doing the slow fade on you. I think it's inappropriate that he keeps talking about his ex wife.. maybe he still misses her or something??? But you should never go crazy like that... it can really turn people off. You've already emailed, called and texted him so he clearly knows you are looking for him and is hiding. So give him all the space he wants and he will get in touch when he is ready to talk. All you can do now it get on with your life, do not beg, do not wait, do not mope around waiting for him to call. Thank you for your reply. He's mature，complicated, intelligent but so hurt. I know it takes time for him to build his capacity for me. At the beginning of our relationship I think he was just looking for fun and sex. Then we got along so well and I touched him on a lot of aspects....he became more and more serious about me. Lately he even mentioned to have me be an accountant of his business (I know it's a big deal for him, he doesn't trust people easy). He said he never imagine a woman can be so perfect and I saved him. All of the sudden, everything changes. I wish he will come back. If he would, I will try my very best to keep him happy, I promise myself.
Author Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) @Ohgotch ~ Sorry to say this but I think he's doing the slow fade on you. I think it's inappropriate that he keeps talking about his ex wife.. maybe he still misses her or something??? But you should never go crazy like that... it can really turn people off. You've already emailed, called and texted him so he clearly knows you are looking for him and is hiding. So give him all the space he wants and he will get in touch when he is ready to talk. All you can do now it get on with your life, do not beg, do not wait, do not mope around waiting for him to call. He just read my messages.....instead of addressing my questions he replied :"going to bed kiddo, relax and enjoy what you have.sleep well and good night." I called him immediately, again he didn't pick it up. Then After couple mins, he texted me again "good night kiddo". I told him many times before that I loved him calling me kiddo. Why?? is he testing me, or something else? Edited July 17, 2017 by Ohgotch
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Kiddo? that's something a father would call his child......
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 He just read my messages.....instead of addressing my questions he replied :"going to bed kiddo, relax and enjoy what you have.sleep well and good night." I called him immediately, again he didn't pick it up. Then After couple mins, he texted me again "good night kiddo". I told him many times before that I loved him calling me kiddo. Why?? is he testing me, or something else? You just agreed with darkmoon that you need to back off and stop pestering him, and yet you were pestering him to talk. No he is not testing you or playing emotional games....he wants his space because you are way too intense, you start fights, and he's just needs some peace. You drive him crazy needlessly.
Author Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 Kiddo? that's something a father would call his child...... He's a father and I'm a mother, we both have kids and divorced. I guess he got used to call his children "kiddo" and I'm kinda small and look way younger than I actually am, so he called me kiddo sometimes. And I told him I liked it cause it felt so warm and close.
Author Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 You just agreed with darkmoon that you need to back off and stop pestering him, and yet you were pestering him to talk. No he is not testing you or playing emotional games....he wants his space because you are way too intense, you start fights, and he's just needs some peace. You drive him crazy needlessly. Thanks for the advice. Yes I know I was wrong. I'll do it!!! I was just kinda too excited that he finally reply me.....
smackie9 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 To be more desirable is to be less available. Get busy with life, go out with friends, go see a movie with the girlies. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 OP, what kinds of things does he say about his ex-wife? What was it that triggered the argument the night before the canceled vacation? In any event, he is making it very clear he does not want to talk right now. Stop with the calls, the messages, everything. You need to show him you can respect his boundaries and not push. 1
Author Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 OP, what kinds of things does he say about his ex-wife? What was it that triggered the argument the night before the canceled vacation? In any event, he is making it very clear he does not want to talk right now. Stop with the calls, the messages, everything. You need to show him you can respect his boundaries and not push. it was clearly all my fault.....sorry I just don't want to think about it again.... I am going to Hawaii this coming Tuesday,. I try to keep myself busy so I won't bug him. Thanks for your advice and insight!
Author Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) So he texted me this morning, saying he was sorry to be so incommunicado， he just wanted to focus on work and kids this week, he was also still processing what happened last week (our fight）. He said he didn't know what to do, he didn't want to be a jerk of not being clear. He simply just didn't know what to do. He said I was so sweet and we would talk soon. I replied him I worked a lot this week too, hoped him be good be safe be happy. Edited July 17, 2017 by Ohgotch
lurker74 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Saw your post title and was all set to come here and tell you that space = breaking up, but after reading your account, yeah, he needs space. And so do you. I don't know what his ex-wife comments are but I do know this...you cannot love someone without trusting that person. Maybe you trust others more or less but love without trust does not exist, which is why infidelity leads to so many ended relationships. But here's the thing about trust...it REQUIRES risk. If there is not risk, it isn't trust...it's data. Jealousy will always get you the opposite of what you want...it will push people away and cause resentment. It is not fun to consistently be accused of bad behavior (talking about my ex-wife) and eventually that will destroy any relationship. So give him his space, go to Hawaii, and try to figure out why you cannot trust him (or anyone romantically, I suspect). If he is not trustworthy, you shouldn't be with him. If he is, then the work you might need - and the space that might be required - is AT LEAST as much on your side of the fence as his. Good luck - I hope this isn't the end of what seems like a relationship with potential! 1
Author Ohgotch Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 Saw your post title and was all set to come here and tell you that space = breaking up, but after reading your account, yeah, he needs space. And so do you. I don't know what his ex-wife comments are but I do know this...you cannot love someone without trusting that person. Maybe you trust others more or less but love without trust does not exist, which is why infidelity leads to so many ended relationships. But here's the thing about trust...it REQUIRES risk. If there is not risk, it isn't trust...it's data. Jealousy will always get you the opposite of what you want...it will push people away and cause resentment. It is not fun to consistently be accused of bad behavior (talking about my ex-wife) and eventually that will destroy any relationship. So give him his space, go to Hawaii, and try to figure out why you cannot trust him (or anyone romantically, I suspect). If he is not trustworthy, you shouldn't be with him. If he is, then the work you might need - and the space that might be required - is AT LEAST as much on your side of the fence as his. Good luck - I hope this isn't the end of what seems like a relationship with potential! Thank you so much! In fact I really do learn a tons from all the replies above and am able to see myself in a different angles. I always think I love him so much, but how can I love him without trust? I'm so appreciate of all the insights, it surely does help me grow and learn more about loving others. 1
kendahke Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I think that he's rethinking the wisdom in being with you and he's afraid to tell you, so he's keeping you at bay and telling you what he's telling you in order to buy one more day of peace. I would consider that you two have broken up because that's where he's going with this. It might not happen right when you get back from Hawaii, but trust and believe, you've planted that seed in his head by how you behaved and he's got to think of his children and keeping their home life as quiet and sane as he can as a divorced father. 1
Author Ohgotch Posted July 18, 2017 Author Posted July 18, 2017 He just texted me again....he says it's a long day, back w kids and hope I had a nice one and he said he will try to call me tomorrow. I'm scared but will face it bravely 1
Author Ohgotch Posted July 26, 2017 Author Posted July 26, 2017 Updated: after two weeks of not seeing each other, we finally met tonight for dinner. He told me he didn't want a break up, he loved me and he needed time to recover to where we were. But it went well. He didn't want me to spend a night but he did call me after the dinner he said maybe I should spend a night over the weekend. He told me he drank again and saw a psychiatrist. I couldnt imagine that I did hurt him so much and made such an impact on him. Thanks for everyone advice. I'll grow after this and be a great girlfriend and treat him the best I can.
Recommended Posts