Can I hope for something serious?

[Robratory]

I know we didnt have any firm plans. I was just surprised how he figured out weeks in advance that I would be free on that particular weekend, than he remembered it again on Thursday, but on the actual day, he just told me about his plans to watch the fight.

It sounds like all the talk but no actions. But I guess if I was really that interested I would have thought of an actual activity to do instead of "yeah, lets do something."

 

I think what I'm hearing here is that you're insecure about what kind of relationship you have. You have to talk about this with him. It's not that you need him to say that he loves you or that he intends to marry you, but you do need to know what you guys are. Are you his girlfriend? Just a booty call? What? You need to know.

[Annalie]

I think what I'm hearing here is that you're insecure about what kind of relationship you have. You have to talk about this with him. It's not that you need him to say that he loves you or that he intends to marry you, but you do need to know what you guys are. Are you his girlfriend? Just a booty call? What? You need to know.

 

He referred to me few times as "girlfriend". For example, he said he was hanging out with this couple (his firends) and they said "your girlfriend should come and hang out with us sometimes." He then explained how busy I am. Or he went to see his physician and told her that his girlfriend (me) also studies blah blah....But we never had the talk.

[dispatch3d]

Why not just ask him what happened on saturday, and say that you wanted to spend the day with him?

 

Cancelling later is kinda blah. I get where you are coming from but you should have talked to him about your issue rather than randomly cancelling plans on him without telling him anything.

[Annalie]

Why not just ask him what happened on saturday, and say that you wanted to spend the day with him?

 

Cancelling later is kinda blah. I get where you are coming from but you should have talked to him about your issue rather than randomly cancelling plans on him without telling him anything.

 

Thats why I posted here first. I didnt want to make a fuss too much and then decided to let it slip. I have a history of ruining my relationships at the first sign of something not going my way.

[NexttP]

One person mentioned it here, the fight on saturday was a big thing. I don't know how early they announced the fight, but if it was done on short notice plans made two weeks ago can change.

 

So he calls you his girlfriend without you approving? What are you thinking then? Are you going to decide to see him exclusively from now on? Do you like him enough? Are you two compatible outside of sex? Like others have said, speaking honestly and openly with him is very important. He's not a mind reader and neither are you. If you want to know something, ask him.

[Annalie]

One person mentioned it here, the fight on saturday was a big thing. I don't know how early they announced the fight, but if it was done on short notice plans made two weeks ago can change.

 

So he calls you his girlfriend without you approving? What are you thinking then? Are you going to decide to see him exclusively from now on? Do you like him enough? Are you two compatible outside of sex? Like others have said, speaking honestly and openly with him is very important. He's not a mind reader and neither are you. If you want to know something, ask him.

 

I like him. I appreciate the fact that he is nice and easy going. I cpuldn't put up with additional stress in my life at this moment. I am only seeing him and I am sure he is not seeing anyone else.

Am I 100% commited? Probably not. I need to get to know him better first. I dont mind the girlfriend title tho, and I dont take it too seriously.

And I understand that he might have opted for the fight once he realized it is on Sat, but I wish he at least acknowledged, our plans and my day off.

[Annalie]

Hi LS,

 

I need to rely on you on how to proceed in my relationship. You see, I managed to ruin every single relationship I had. I was told that I am unrealistic and difficult. My ex genuinely wished me luck in finding a guy who will put with me (his words). And he was kind of right. I had few relationships after him and they all started great but ended up with guys losing interest.

 

Anyway, I already have a thread about this guy. He wanted to watch the fight last Saturday, I got hurt and told him I didn't feel like going over to his house on Sunday (I cancelled around 5pm). He replied with "no problem". And we continued talking and texting as usual. As most of you suggested I let this slide (if there was anything to slide). I never told him the reason I cancelled.

So, on Monday I asked when can I see him next. He suggested either Tuesday or Thursday and mentioned that on Wed he was going out with co-workers.

On Tuesday, he barely texted me. I replied to his text at 5pm and asked something in return but didn't get a response for the next few hours. (I was out with a friend btw). Around 9.30pm I text him "Are you busy?" At 10 pm I text again "Is there anything you want to tell me?" At 10.30, he apologizes because he was out with friends from work and tells me he will give me a call before I go to bed. He calls me before bed and apologizes again. He then explains that drinks he was supposed to have on Wednesday somehow happened on Tuesday and suggested we hang out on Wednesday instead. I agreed (Btw, he quit his job for a better one and this is his last week at the comapany).

On Wednesday, we text as usual. Around 4.30 pm, he askes if it was ok to cancel our date (no explanation why) and reschedulefor Thursday. I lost it. I told him I had plans for Thursday (I didn't have any) and I even told him that "this is not working out." He replied "OK." We texted later again and he told me he was having hard time at work and didn't want to fight. He even said "You cancelled on Sunday as well, why can't you just understand?"

On Thursday, he tried texting more than usual but I purposely made plans and went out.

Today, he flew to CA to his friend's wedding. He texted few times. Last time 5 hours ago. I asked him a question when I replied but no response yet.

 

Am I being pushy? Am I overreacting, suffocating him? Or is this his fault as well?

I can't see clearly. The fact that I had too much free time on my hands this week (but we still didn't see each other) didn't help either.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Annalie

[Annalie]

Sounds to me like you are playing games with this guy because it irks you that you're not the center of his universe. You get angry at him if something comes up on his end, but you are quick to turn down plans with him despite having nothing going on. Sounds to me like you need to stop being so bitter at the fact that he has a life outside of you. He seems like he is trying to make things work out with you and you are purposefully being difficult.

 

We mentioned hanging out on Tuesday or Thursday. He was distant on Tuesday (barely texting and then not even replying to my texts for hours). That never happened before. He usually replies within 20 min. Then, he cancelled Wednesday (I sometimes think he did it on purpose because I cancelled on Sunday). And while I did not have plans for Thursday, I have friends who I hadn't seen in a while and somewhere in my mind I had Thursday reserved for them (even though not solid plans). Plus, he managed to get me upset on Tuesday and Wednesday. Why would I be available every day of the week till he makes up his mind?

[SunnyWeather]

Hi LS,

 

. You see, I managed to ruin every single relationship I had. I was told that I am unrealistic and difficult. .

 

If you have this insight, do you think you might be continuing with this same pattern here? It can be tricky navigating your needs along with the needs of your partner. Might you find a way to better communicate this without being passive aggressive about it?

[NexttP]

Why would I be available every day of the week till he makes up his mind?

 

Why exactly should you be available? There seems to be misplaced expectations. As Enigma32 said, you're not the center of his universe, and you shouldn't be. Relationships aren't rainbows and unicorns 24/7, people have to work and have other friends with other obligations. If you expect your partner to only have you in their life, it's not going to work out unless he has absolutely 0 friends, 0 family, and will never have friends because he chooses not to have any. You can't control his life.

 

Do you want your BF to be that guy that always cancels on his friends because his GF needs attention? "sorry guys, girlfriend calls, you know? maybe next time (or never again)."

 

With that said, you have to gauge whether you will be okay with someone who wants a life next to a relationship. If not, then go find that guy who only wants you and nothing else.

[Annalie]

If you have this insight, do you think you might be continuing with this same pattern here? It can be tricky navigating your needs along with the needs of your partner. Might you find a way to better communicate this without being passive aggressive about it?

 

What would be the best way to deal with this? I can't help but feel I am not important enough to him (he watched fight instead of hanging out with me, than cancelled Wednesday). Was I supposed to just say "oh ok, I am free on Thursday, too. See you then.":(

[Annalie]

Why exactly should you be available? There seems to be misplaced expectations. As Enigma32 said, you're not the center of his universe, and you shouldn't be. Relationships aren't rainbows and unicorns 24/7, people have to work and have other friends with other obligations. If you expect your partner to only have you in their life, it's not going to work out unless he has absolutely 0 friends, 0 family, and will never have friends because he chooses not to have any. You can't control his life.

 

Do you want your BF to be that guy that always cancels on his friends because his GF needs attention? "sorry guys, girlfriend calls, you know? maybe next time (or never again)."

 

With that said, you have to gauge whether you will be okay with someone who wants a life next to a relationship. If not, then go find that guy who only wants you and nothing else.

 

But he was with his friends on Tuesday night (and never responded to my text). Then he cancelled on Wed (I still have no idea why. He said it was work but I doubt it). And, in my previous post I said that he was talking about spending the entire day on Saturday together but then just decided to watch the fight and never even mentioned our day together. I can't help but feel frustrated.

I was busy the entire summer and we barely spent any time together. But now that I am free, I have the feeling he is not that eager to see me and everything is just words and empty promises.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Annalie

[SunnyWeather]

But he was with his friends on Tuesday night (and never responded to my text). Then he cancelled on Wed (I still have no idea why. He said it was work but I doubt it). And, in my previous post I said that he was talking about spending the entire day on Saturday together but then just decided to watch the fight and never even mentioned our day together. I can't help but feel frustrated.

I was busy the entire summer and we barely spent any time together. But now that I am free, I have the feeling he is not that eager to see me and everything is just words and empty promises.

 

When that came up it would've been the best time to have a calm conversation about what you were feeling. It takes practice but learning how to communicate with each other about these things is important if you want to be in a relationship.

 

BTW, that fight was a BIG deal for a lot of peeps. Giving your guy latitude with sporting events goes a long way in negotiating time together- the give and take in working out plans.

 

Another way to work with that is to join him.

 

I used to hate basketball, pretty much the only sport I couldn't bear. But, my guy was really into it, and when we first started seeing each other I quickly learned basketball games are on several nights a week. So, I started watching it with him. And now, it's a part of our routine during the season. It kinda became a fixture in our lives and lots of good times spent watching together

[Annalie]

When that came up it would've been the best time to have a calm conversation about what you were feeling. It takes practice but learning how to communicate with each other about these things is important if you want to be in a relationship.

 

BTW, that fight was a BIG deal for a lot of peeps. Giving your guy latitude with sporting events goes a long way in negotiating time together- the give and take in working out plans.

 

Another way to work with that is to join him.

 

I used to hate basketball, pretty much the only sport I couldn't bear. But, my guy was really into it, and when we first started seeing each other I quickly learned basketball games are on several nights a week. So, I started watching it with him. And now, it's a part of our routine during the season. It kinda became a fixture in our lives and lots of good times spent watching together

 

I had no problem with him watching the fight. I have a problem with not acknolwedging our plans, apologizing or anything. We spent Friday night together and he just sent me home (literally), because he had stuff to do. Then, asked me to come over on Sunday night. No, thank you.

With that being said, he does take me on dates and talks about me when with his family and friends.

[SunnyWeather]

I had no problem with him watching the fight. I have a problem with not acknolwedging our plans, apologizing or anything. We spent Friday night together and he just sent me home (literally), because he had stuff to do. Then, asked me to come over on Sunday night. No, thank you.

With that being said, he does take me on dates and talks about me when with his family and friends.

 

. You see, I managed to ruin every single relationship I had. I was told that I am unrealistic and difficult. .

 

 

I think your answers are all above. I'm not getting any ability to compromise what so ever. The demanding vibe is strong...

[Miss Spider]

Regardless of what we think, it's about how YOU feel. If you don't like the way he's treating you, find someone else who treats you better. He obviously only wants to see you on his terms and if you're not cool with that look for someone who makes you more of a priority.

[Reddice]

I was busy the entire summer and we barely spent any time together. But now that I am free, I have the feeling he is not that eager to see me and everything is just words and empty promises.

 

This part.... This is something you should tell him, not us. Seems like you prefer playing mindgames instead of communicating. If you feel he's not eager to see you/he's disrespecting you, tell him (without being judgemental). Let him know what bothers you and work on it together. Talk about your expectations and feelings. Agree on some steps to improve your relationship. If he still doesn't put any effort in it, then you might have a fair point.

[coolheadal]

We mentioned hanging out on Tuesday or Thursday. He was distant on Tuesday (barely texting and then not even replying to my texts for hours). That never happened before. He usually replies within 20 min. Then, he cancelled Wednesday (I sometimes think he did it on purpose because I cancelled on Sunday). And while I did not have plans for Thursday, I have friends who I hadn't seen in a while and somewhere in my mind I had Thursday reserved for them (even though not solid plans). Plus, he managed to get me upset on Tuesday and Wednesday. Why would I be available every day of the week till he makes up his mind?

 

Do you have friends? Do you have any other hobbies. You soul purpose in life is to bother this guy to death. Go preoccupy your time with something else. Your going to chase this guys away with your odd behavior. You are taunting them for some odd reason? Don't you see your the issue not them. They must be at your beck and call, if they're not you go after them like a roar of thunder.

 

Your like little Mary who can't get her way, with you it's no way or nothing!

 

He has friends, sounds like to me you don't have any friends other than him!

 

He should have invited you out, you didn't want to watch the fight game with him. Show some interest in what he likes you fail doing that.. See

[d0nnivain]

Your expectations are unreasonable.

 

The fight on Saturday was something that many guys wanted to see. I thought it was dumb but I understood my husband really wanted to watch it with his brother. It wasn't about me & it wasn't about you. You were probably welcome but to expect him to give up this very rare male bonding experience to hang out with you was self centered on your part. Your partner in any relationship gets to do things he wants. It's never only about what you want.

 

You are trying to run a relationship through texting. STOP! You can't build anything that way. You have to spend time together. You have to talk. You have to be together & be quiet. When you whine about the pace or the quality of text messages you are already devaluing communication in your relationship. Texting should be quick & infrequent not some all day long back & forth.

 

You are trying to punish him for not giving up watching the fight. Again that is selfish & immature on your part. You cancelled a date on him then got angry when he cancelled one on you. Then you continued trying to punish him by making plans for Thursday & not responding when he reached out more in an effort to make up for the cancelled date on Wednesday.

 

If this is one of his last weeks at work, he probably was finishing stuff or going out one last time with people from work.

 

You were busy all summer. Now that you are free you can't expect him to jump just because it's convenient for you. He understood about your schedule. Why can't you give his any consideration?

 

You are not the only one in the relationship nor are your needs the only ones that matter. When you learn that & practice it, your relationships will improve. You are doing to this guy the same garbage that you did to your EX which caused him to warn you that you will be hard pressed to find a guy to put up with your unreasonable demands. You have to break this pattern.

 

At this point, if you want to save this, bake him a batch of his favorite cookies & bring them to him just because. Go on a date tonight that is all about him & you pay for it; make it something you generally complain about doing. For you to pout because he sent you home last night & refuse to see him today, he's gonna break up with you. You are acting like a petulant child who's pouting because she didn't get her way. If you want him to make you the center of his world, he has to be the center of yours, meaning that you must be willing to do things that make him happy. All I saw in your post was you wanting what you wanted with no regard whatsoever for his desires. There's a give & take in any healthy relationship that you are missing.

Edited September 2, 2017 by d0nnivain

[Annalie]

Your expectations are unreasonable.

 

The fight on Saturday was something that many guys wanted to see. I thought it was dumb but I understood my husband really wanted to watch it with his brother. It wasn't about me & it wasn't about you. You were probably welcome but to expect him to give up this very rare male bonding experience to hang out with you was self centered on your part. Your partner in any relationship gets to do things he wants. It's never only about what you want.

 

You are trying to run a relationship through texting. STOP! You can't build anything that way. You have to spend time together. You have to talk. You have to be together & be quiet. When you whine about the pace or the quality of text messages you are already devaluing communication in your relationship. Texting should be quick & infrequent not some all day long back & forth.

 

You are trying to punish him for not giving up watching the fight. Again that is selfish & immature on your part. You cancelled a date on him then got angry when he cancelled one on you. Then you continued trying to punish him by making plans for Thursday & not responding when he reached out more in an effort to make up for the cancelled date on Wednesday.

 

If this is one of his last weeks at work, he probably was finishing stuff or going out one last time with people from work.

 

You were busy all summer. Now that you are free you can't expect him to jump just because it's convenient for you. He understood about your schedule. Why can't you give his any consideration?

 

You are not the only one in the relationship nor are your needs the only ones that matter. When you learn that & practice it, your relationships will improve. You are doing to this guy the same garbage that you did to your EX which caused him to warn you that you will be hard pressed to find a guy to put up with your unreasonable demands. You have to break this pattern.

 

At this point, if you want to save this, bake him a batch of his favorite cookies & bring them to him just because. Go on a date tonight that is all about him & you pay for it; make it something you generally complain about doing. For you to pout because he sent you home last night & refuse to see him today, he's gonna break up with you. You are acting like a petulant child who's pouting because she didn't get her way. If you want him to make you the center of his world, he has to be the center of yours, meaning that you must be willing to do things that make him happy. All I saw in your post was you wanting what you wanted with no regard whatsoever for his desires. There's a give & take in any healthy relationship that you are missing.

 

I agree with most of what you said except: I didnt want to punish him for watching fight. It is just that we talked about spending that entire day together (I never reached out to my friends because of that). But when we woke up in the morning, he simply informed that he had stuff to do and then go watch the fight. Simple: "sorry, I never realized fight was today, can we make plans for another day" would be ok. Also, fight was pm if I am not wrong, so maybe we could have spend half a day together. But no, he informed me that he needs go drop something of by noon and that watch the game.

What am I going to do? Get dressed and left.

And he is in CA now, I can't do anything. Once he is back, my new semester starts and I am starting a new job. It is going to take 4 months before I have entire day off again.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Annalie

[d0nnivain]

Especially with this new info I'm not saying he wasn't rude. However, it also seem more like this relationship is imposing on you. Maybe just take a break from dating & concentrate on your semester.

[BluesPower]

We mentioned hanging out on Tuesday or Thursday. He was distant on Tuesday (barely texting and then not even replying to my texts for hours). That never happened before. He usually replies within 20 min. Then, he cancelled Wednesday (I sometimes think he did it on purpose because I cancelled on Sunday). And while I did not have plans for Thursday, I have friends who I hadn't seen in a while and somewhere in my mind I had Thursday reserved for them (even though not solid plans). Plus, he managed to get me upset on Tuesday and Wednesday. Why would I be available every day of the week till he makes up his mind?

 

This response right here tells the tale...

 

Look sweetie, Enigma made a post that basically explains what is going on.

 

What do you do? Gloss over it and get defensive.

 

And yet you yourself say the you have messed up every relationship.

 

Are you not grown up enough to take constructive criticism?????

 

In an word, YES, you are messing up your relationships.

 

You are playing games, you are not communicating effectively, you are causing and I guess needing drama, you are being needy and demanding.

 

No matter how fine your are, I would drop you after the first one of these little incidents.

 

Yes, you want to be the center of attention all the time especially when you want to spend time together and maybe not when you don't.

 

Do you really want to date a little beta boy that will lick your boots every time you say jump? Because if you do there are plenty of those guys out there. Sometimes they are a little geeky and awkward but they are out there.

 

Dear, you really need to grow up and listen to what people are telling you...

[Annalie]

This response right here tells the tale...

 

Look sweetie, Enigma made a post that basically explains what is going on.

 

What do you do? Gloss over it and get defensive.

 

And yet you yourself say the you have messed up every relationship.

 

Are you not grown up enough to take constructive criticism?????

 

In an word, YES, you are messing up your relationships.

 

You are playing games, you are not communicating effectively, you are causing and I guess needing drama, you are being needy and demanding.

 

No matter how fine your are, I would drop you after the first one of these little incidents.

 

Yes, you want to be the center of attention all the time especially when you want to spend time together and maybe not when you don't.

 

Do you really want to date a little beta boy that will lick your boots every time you say jump? Because if you do there are plenty of those guys out there. Sometimes they are a little geeky and awkward but they are out there.

 

Dear, you really need to grow up and listen to what people are telling you...

 

Thank you for your response. It is not my intention to get defensive and prove I am right. I just want to make sure everyone understands what is bugging me. Donnovian for example thought I was upset he didn't want to miss the fight for me (that wasnt the case). Anyway, I am trying to change (and I think I am much better than 2 years ago) but I still have a long way to go.

The reason I might feel so entitled is the ex boyfriend in question who made me the center of his world, put up with lots of my BS and dropped everything for me. Unfortunately, I never felt strong about him and had to leave (we are still great friends though).

Edited September 2, 2017 by Annalie

[Annalie]

For those who remember, I had a post about a bf who either forgets our plans or cancels the last minute.

 

It all started when he simply ignored/forgot our plans for that day and watched the fight instead. Then I was hurt and cancelled seeing him the next day but never told him the reason. The following week was his last week at the company and he cancelled on me the last minute. I snapped but somehow got over it.

 

This week my new semester started. We had plans for Wednesday night but i had to cancel them (I did that around 10am) as I realized my prof emailed us about homework due Thursday. I saw him on Thursday.

 

Last night he asked me to go over to his house but I was tired and suggested for tonight instead. He agreed. Since tomorrow is his first day at the new job I asked if he was sure about hanging out on Sunday night. His reply:"Yeah, i want to see you."

 

Today he was at his parents' house and texted me around 3pm that he would be home around 7pm and asked me when i would be done with work. I said at 7pm as well. Around 6.30pm, my boss asks me to stay longer and do extra work for extra money but I apologized and told him I had plans for tonight. At 6.40pm, my bf texts me that he won't leave his parents' house till 8pm. I only told him that I was already leaving my work. At 7.40pm, he texts me: " I would really like to see you but lets plans something for tomorrow or Tuesday, you were right I should get a good night sleep tonight."

 

I am pissed and never replied. What would you do?

[Dis]

Ugh

 

If this is a pattern, as you're saying it is...

 

Next!

 

No way is flakiness/unreliability acceptable when its a common occurance