Author Annalie Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 I didn't say anything rude. I only changed my attitude (from wanting to hang out every time to "I am busy") and didn't offer an alternative day. I wanted to let him know that I am not willing to hang out on a regular basis (only when I it works for me, which is selfish but it is also selfish to lead someone on for months). QUOTE] So it is his fault he is not a mind reader? Seriously, you went from hot to cold on this guy for a particular reason but the one thing you failed to do...give him the reason. You were going along, everything seemed fine and then, only in your mind, you decided you didn't like the situation so decided to be generally crappy in your terse responses and rejection without saying anything or discussing what you really wanted with him, and you expected he would just guess the reason? You're playing games hoping he picks up on your change in attitude and suddenly too busy to hang out BS and figures it all out...He is not a mind reader Look at it from his perspective...if the tables were turned and he was hanging out with you and all of the sudden just stopped being available WITHOUT explanation, what would you think? How would you respond to a message about being ignored? You'd say **** him and move on. You changed your attitude. It is entirely your responsibility to explain to him why. Changing your attitude to punish him seems to indicate you are not ready for a relationship. Stop playing games, it doesn't sound like you are winning here. If you weren't happy with the situation why would you not discuss it with him nicely? Why try to punish him out of spite? I am not sure why. Probably because I got so busy and had to find time for him while on the other hand I wasn't getting what I wanted. I already asked him what he wanted and he said "let's see how it progresses." Then, he would text me only once or twice per week (not counting "wanna hang out" texts). I already talked to him about it and he got better. But still, I didn't see the relationship progressing. And again, it is my fault too. When he asked me to go to the beach on the weekend, I was busy that weekend (just one of many examples). I was almost sure that he only sees me as FWB (sex but also someone to hang out with). I didn't really think this would upset him so much.
Miss Spider Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 Sounds like he was not giving you what you wanted nor had he plans to. So as weak as it is for him to ghost, it's for the best if you guys just end this thing
Robratory Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 My question is: Why did he stop talking to me? We were not in a relationship. I got tired of hanging out with him consistently (while not really having a bf) and not seeing friends or meeting other people. If we are not in a relationship, why would I see him on a regular basis? Not sure if my texts came off as rude... or his ego got hurt... You overplayed your cards, honey. He called your bluff, and you got caught holding a pair of twos. This is like when the . Better luck next time playing a guy.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 It seems very likely that he stopped talking to you because you kept giving him the brush off. Nobody likes rejection. You are not in a relationship so it is reasonable to assume that if he couldn't make a date with you, he would look elsewhere. He may have felt that you were just stringing him along or perhaps he just began to lose interest. It may feel like little consolation now, but you can learn a valuable lesson from this. You really need to openly communicate how you feel and what you want from the person you are dating. If you are confused about where you stand with someone, ask them. Be direct. If you want to be in a relationship, tell them that is what you are after. If you don't want last minute dates, tell the guy you want to be asked out in advance. There is no guarantee that things would have worked out long term, but at least you there wouldn't be all this confusion and frustration about where you stand with each other. He might reach out to you again, but he might not. If he does respond, make honest and open communication a priority before going any further.
Author Annalie Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 You overplayed your cards, honey. He called your bluff, and you got caught holding a pair of twos. This is like when the . Better luck next time playing a guy. But why would he get angry if I don't hang out with him every week. Or in this case because he wasn't my priority. I still reached out to him, once I was done catching up with work and friends. For someone, who seemed to only want FWB, he should be overjoyed.
preraph Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 Some people can dish it out but they can't take it. He has given no commitment but expects you to be available whenever. You did the exact right thing making plans to do things with other people. If he is going to be butthurt and just sull up instead of either talking about exclusivity and the future or your relationship, then just let him go. It's not fair for you to sacrifice anything unless there is an agreement you both want to do the same. Even then, you should NOT stop going having fun with friends because that is not a fair requirement in a relationship and it's a red flag when one party can't handle it. You don't give up your friends, and certainly not for some controlling guy who just does what he wants without any consideration for you. You reached out to show you're still there as always. But don't chase him. He's just trying to punish you. Go out and have fun with your friends.
Author Annalie Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 Some people can dish it out but they can't take it. He has given no commitment but expects you to be available whenever. You did the exact right thing making plans to do things with other people. If he is going to be butthurt and just sull up instead of either talking about exclusivity and the future or your relationship, then just let him go. It's not fair for you to sacrifice anything unless there is an agreement you both want to do the same. Even then, you should NOT stop going having fun with friends because that is not a fair requirement in a relationship and it's a red flag when one party can't handle it. You don't give up your friends, and certainly not for some controlling guy who just does what he wants without any consideration for you. Exactly. This is exactly what many people do not understand. If he was my bf I would find a way to see him on a regular basis. But he is not... and I am too busy. If I neglect my school, I will be on my own to deal with the consequences. Same goes regarding friends. And this guy was more than understanding every time I told him I had to work or study for the exam. He would patiently wait for 2-3 weeks. But then, my first day off and he would expect me to see him. It just became too much, too exhausting. School and work is my priority, then my friends and then some guy who doesn't know what he wants. Maybe I should have explain that to him, but I am tired of having to teach someone to be considerate. 2
spiderowl Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 It seems like you were cold with him instead of letting him know why. It is not surprising he backed off. Unfortunately, he is not likely to come back now as he was rejected. If you really like him and think he wants a relationship with you, then an explanation may help. However, if you think all he ever wanted was FWB, then is there any point trying to resolve this? It would have fizzled out in the end anyway.
Author Annalie Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 It seems like you were cold with him instead of letting him know why. It is not surprising he backed off. Unfortunately, he is not likely to come back now as he was rejected. If you really like him and think he wants a relationship with you, then an explanation may help. However, if you think all he ever wanted was FWB, then is there any point trying to resolve this? It would have fizzled out in the end anyway. I am not sure what he wants. He gave me mixed signals. In the end, when I got tired of the entire situation and told myself "fine, I am busy anyway, let's try FWB" (never told him that, tho), he started wondering if i liked him. He would be upset if I wanted to leave his house at 9am, instead of staying longer, cuddling, having breakfast and coffee. That and the fact that he started texted me everyday once I told him it was bothering me are positives. But still, it doesnt mean he wants a relationship. If he wanted one, I feel I would know it.
spiderowl Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 Whatever you feel was the situation, communication does help. Both can remain in a fuzzy 'neverland' as long as each is making assumptions about the other. I don't think you should need to spell out that you want more commitment but letting him know that you are a person who values knowing where you stand should tip him off to that. If he does not make it clear where you stand, then he cannot blame you for opting out after a while.
Author Annalie Posted August 5, 2017 Author Posted August 5, 2017 Whatever you feel was the situation, communication does help. Both can remain in a fuzzy 'neverland' as long as each is making assumptions about the other. I don't think you should need to spell out that you want more commitment but letting him know that you are a person who values knowing where you stand should tip him off to that. If he does not make it clear where you stand, then he cannot blame you for opting out after a while. We had a similar issue before regarding texting and keeping in touch. We would go out, had a nice dinner, hold hands, I would spend the night at his place and then not hear from him for the next 4 days (sometimes he would text the very same day but sometimes not). I got mad and told him I was done and didnt want to see him ever again. Two weeks later i apologized and he agreed to see me and we talked. He then agreed that we should communicate more but also told me to talk to him when something bothers me instead of going crazy. Since that day he has been texting every day. does it make me happy? Not too much because i feel I told him to do so and he is doing whatever to keep me around. And, I have heard from guys "if a guy is into you, you will know that. Period.
preraph Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 Some people can dish it out but they can't take it. He has given no commitment but expects you to be available whenever. You did the exact right thing making plans to do things with other people. If he is going to be butthurt and just sull up instead of either talking about exclusivity and the future or your relationship, then just let him go. It's not fair for you to sacrifice anything unless there is an agreement you both want to do the same. Even then, you should NOT stop going having fun with friends because that is not a fair requirement in a relationship and it's a red flag when one party can't handle it. You don't give up your friends, and certainly not for some controlling guy who just does what he wants without any consideration for you. Exactly. This is exactly what many people do not understand. If he was my bf I would find a way to see him on a regular basis. But he is not... and I am too busy. If I neglect my school, I will be on my own to deal with the consequences. Same goes regarding friends. And this guy was more than understanding every time I told him I had to work or study for the exam. He would patiently wait for 2-3 weeks. But then, my first day off and he would expect me to see him. It just became too much, too exhausting. School and work is my priority, then my friends and then some guy who doesn't know what he wants. Maybe I should have explain that to him, but I am tired of having to teach someone to be considerate. He's too high maintenance for you at this time in your life, plus he's made no effort whatever to solidify the relationship, so he hasn't got any right to punish you. Next. Who needs all their time scheduled? You need time to chill out alone and rest up. 1
Author Annalie Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 (edited) I am sitting in my room miserable and wondering if I am doing this to myself. Help me get some perspective here. Long story short. Met a nice guy. He kept taking me out, introduced me to his brother and asked me to join his friends on a night out (but I was busy). We slept only once and then I had my finals for summer semester and kept only seeing him for few a quick drink. About two weeks ago, he asked when my semester ends and suggested we should do something together once it is over. This thursday we were out and he brought it up again. We agreed we should do something in the city on Saturday. On Friday night I went over to his house, we had sex and in the morning he made me coffee but also let me know that he had few things to finish and then join his brother for last night fight (Mayweather vs McGregor). I left his house around 11 and he sent me few texts throughtout the day. He also asked me to come by on Sunday night. This morning we confirmed the plans. Around 4pm, I texted him that I do not feel like coming over to his house. He replied "no problem, are you ok?" and "I will call you later". The reason I cancelled is because it didnt feel right. He never even acknowledged the plans we had (no solid plans for Saturday were made but still...). And now he wants me to just go over to his place again. He has been really nice so far (taking me out on dates and paying for everything, mentioning going on double dates with his friend). What do I do? Am I being immature here? Edited August 28, 2017 by Annalie
Miss Spider Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 (edited) Just tell him you prefer to go on actual dates and do stuff outside the house. If he doesn't oblige, drop him. He's confused because you've been going with it so far and he can't read your mind. Edited August 28, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Author Annalie Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 Just tell him you prefer to go on actual dates and do stuff outside the house. If he doesn't oblige, drop him. He's confused because you've been going with it so far and he can't read your mind. I dont really prefer to go on actual dates. We have been on so many that I was wondering if he will finally ask me over to his place. BUT, he totally forgot/ignored our plans to spend the day together on Saturday(next weekend he will be out of town and then I am starting a new semester again). So, this was our chance to spend the day together plus he mentioned it weeks ago. And another thing that annoyed me is that he asked me over on Sunday too (tonight) and kept talking about sex (what he would like to do). I dont think he is only aboht sex but I felt disrespected by his actions. But wondering if I am being too strict here.
Miss Spider Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I dont really prefer to go on actual dates. We have been on so many that I was wondering if he will finally ask me over to his place. BUT, he totally forgot/ignored our plans to spend the day together on Saturday(next weekend he will be out of town and then I am starting a new semester again). So, this was our chance to spend the day together plus he mentioned it weeks ago. And another thing that annoyed me is that he asked me over on Sunday too (tonight) and kept talking about sex (what he would like to do). I dont think he is only aboht sex but I felt disrespected by his actions. But wondering if I am being too strict here. Oh I see, sorry. I think you're being a little strict if this is a one time occurrence. He probably did have things to do and wanted to watch the game. Plus if your relationship is sexual then it's normal I guess for him to talk about sex. I would let this one time slide. If he continues to blow you off that's another story.
LovelyRose Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 You guys didn't make solid plans. It is very possible that he just honestly forgot about your somewhat agreement to hangout on Saturday. From my experience, which includes my current bf, they are extremely forgetful. A lot of times they need guidance and reminders. You were with him since Friday night until Saturday mid morning. Could it also be he considered that as already spending time with you for that day? You should have just clarified with him your entire plan for the day. If you two are already sexually active, expect sexual comments and conversations. It is normal. What's not normal is if it becomes excessive. This guy has been nothing but great to you. Let this one slide and next time do your best to make concrete plans considering you have limited availabilities.
salparadise Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 This guy has been nothing but great to you. Let this one slide and next time do your best to make concrete plans considering you have limited availabilities. I don't think there's anything to let slide. First of all, any slight she perceives is just that... her imagination and expectations. He's not a mind reader. If you prefer to have solid plans for a Saturday, communicate that and understand that you are half of the equation. Say I'd like to firm up the plan for Saturday, and then suggest something. Say what you'd like to do, what you expect, etc. I don't see how you could possibly be in negativity mode given how well it seems to be going. Don't sabotage a good thing! 1
basil67 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I don't think there's anything to let slide. First of all, any slight she perceives is just that... her imagination and expectations. He's not a mind reader. If you prefer to have solid plans for a Saturday, communicate that and understand that you are half of the equation. Say I'd like to firm up the plan for Saturday, and then suggest something. Say what you'd like to do, what you expect, etc. I don't see how you could possibly be in negativity mode given how well it seems to be going. Don't sabotage a good thing! I strongly agree with Salsa. I would also add that if there's a once in a generation sporting event being held, expect that he may want to watch it with the boys. A little generosity never goes astray.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I don't think there's anything to let slide. First of all, any slight she perceives is just that... her imagination and expectations. He's not a mind reader. If you prefer to have solid plans for a Saturday, communicate that and understand that you are half of the equation. Say I'd like to firm up the plan for Saturday, and then suggest something. Say what you'd like to do, what you expect, etc. I don't see how you could possibly be in negativity mode given how well it seems to be going. Don't sabotage a good thing! Agreed with all of the above, especially the bolded. OP, you need to speak up and not make him guess what's the matter.
Author Annalie Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 Thank you all. I was going to bring this up to him but I guess it is better to let it slide. It is possible that he forgot or realized it was the fight night and didn't want to miss it. He mentioned this day (the only weekend I am off, don't have to study or go to work) two weeks ago when he went on a trip and I couldn't join. He again remembered on Thursday but I guess part of the problem was that we didnt make any solid plans. It was more like "sure, let's do something. maybe something in the city."
kendahke Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 He never even acknowledged the plans we had. We agreed we should do something in the city on Saturday no solid plans for Saturday were made but... ) But nothing. Absent a time and location, you didn't have plans, period. What you had was thinking out loud and leaving it there. I'm not understanding your disconnect here. Like Salparadise said: there's nothing to let slide.
LovelyRose Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I don't think there's anything to let slide. First of all, any slight she perceives is just that... her imagination and expectations. He's not a mind reader. If you prefer to have solid plans for a Saturday, communicate that and understand that you are half of the equation. Say I'd like to firm up the plan for Saturday, and then suggest something. Say what you'd like to do, what you expect, etc. I don't see how you could possibly be in negativity mode given how well it seems to be going. Don't sabotage a good thing! Salparadise, Yea totally agree. Maybe I used that terminology in a wrong way. I meant to say cut him some slack and improve her communication behavior towards him. If she has wants and expectations she has to let him know.
Author Annalie Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 Salparadise, Yea totally agree. Maybe I used that terminology in a wrong way. I meant to say cut him some slack and improve her communication behavior towards him. If she has wants and expectations she has to let him know. I know we didnt have any firm plans. I was just surprised how he figured out weeks in advance that I would be free on that particular weekend, than he remembered it again on Thursday, but on the actual day, he just told me about his plans to watch the fight. It sounds like all the talk but no actions. But I guess if I was really that interested I would have thought of an actual activity to do instead of "yeah, lets do something."
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I know we didnt have any firm plans. I was just surprised how he figured out weeks in advance that I would be free on that particular weekend, than he remembered it again on Thursday, but on the actual day, he just told me about his plans to watch the fight. It sounds like all the talk but no actions. But I guess if I was really that interested I would have thought of an actual activity to do instead of "yeah, lets do something." You are focusing on this one thing and forgetting about all of the good things this guy has brought into your life. He is a human being, men will make mistakes, they will change plans or forget about promises just like any other human beings. It was a big game and he probably didn't realize the game felt on that Saturday when he suggested to do something. It was an open offer with nothing concrete. I think you need to cut him some slack and relax. 1
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