Annalie Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 (edited) Hi All, My situation is little complex and I strongly believe that if a guy cares you will know it. If you have to wonder... But here I am, wanting to hear your opinion. I am 30 year old female who recently went back to school and is working full time. Super, super busy. I met this guy (my age, successful and accomplished) in January. We went out few times, then slept together and even though he used to contact me few times a week, I felt like he was lukewarm and told him it was over. I also asked what he was looking for and he said that he enjoys spending time with me so, let's see what happens. A week after dumping him, he reached out again and asked me to try again. i did try again but the history repeated itself and we decided to part our ways in a friendly manner (and on my initiation again). Three months later he reaches out. I go back again but after, we spent a wonderful night out, slept together and then I haven't heard from him for 4 days I told him never ever to contact me again and waste my time. This was a mean text and he never replied. So far very immature behavior, I know believe me. Anyway, one month later my school becomes even more intense and i realize that I can't even think of dating anyone till I graduate (in a year). And it scares me, I am 30 and I don't like being lonely. So, I decide that I want him as FWB in my life and I reach out to him. He responds a day later and wants to meet me. He tells me that my last text really hurts him and if I was unhappy about something I should have talked to him. I told him it wasn't ok not to contact me for 4 days after our date. After this, he has changed. He does contact me daily, he is more loving when we are together and we hang out once a week (due to my schedule). We also only hang out at his apartment but that is because i only have few hours late in the evening. Recently, he has been asking me to go for a walk, mentioned going to symphony orchestra and another place in the city. He also asked me if I would like to go to the beach one day. I said yes to all of these but I know it is probably not going to happen until my semester is over and I have few days off. More info about him: he recently moved to the city and I guess he doesnt have many friends. My question is: are the guys really clueless. why did he changed once I talked to him? Do I really have to teach him how to act if he really cared? My fear is that he is lonely and i am just convenient to spend time with. The moment i accepted the fact that we can only be FWB (never told him that though), he kind of changed his game and became more loving. He also insists on seeing me as much as possible (but when i have to study he tells me not to worry about him and focus on studying). I want to really try to make things work but I also don't want to sacrifice my study time if he will never see me as a gf material. Edited July 16, 2017 by Annalie
stillafool Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 My question is why would you seek out a guy you have dumped 3 times? Why didn't you move on to a new man? 5
Author Annalie Posted July 16, 2017 Author Posted July 16, 2017 My question is why would you seek out a guy you have dumped 3 times? Why didn't you move on to a new man? Because: 1. I really, really like him, he is like a male version of myself, we can talk for hours and we also have super intense chemistry 2. I know that dating is almost impossible for me now. Not many guys are thrilled when they hear I work Wed, Fri, Sat and Sun night, go to school Mon to Fri and on top of it have to study on most of my free evenings.
smackie9 Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 So why are you here? You have what you need....someone to hang out with for a couple of hours a week, and he seems keen to do things together that you both like. Just because a guy wants to hang out doesn't mean he sees this could go somewhere. This arrangement is all he is interested in, that's why he is being consistent. It frees up his time to see other women if he chooses to.
Venusvenus Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 So why are you here? You have what you need....someone to hang out with for a couple of hours a week, and he seems keen to do things together that you both like. Just because a guy wants to hang out doesn't mean he sees this could go somewhere. This arrangement is all he is interested in, that's why he is being consistent. It frees up his time to see other women if he chooses to. What is the question?
preraph Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 You know, everyone is different how much time and attention they want. To me, once or twice a week when just dating is fine because when you're busy, a steady relationship can be a burden kind of. So I just think what it means to him and what it means to you were two different things. You seem to want daily contact and to see him a lot more and interpreted that as "luke warm." To me if he was contacting you several times a week, that is red hot as long as he's also taking you out at least once a week. So he's not a mindreader. You finally told him what was bothering you and now he gets it and is making an effort. He's not lukewarm. He's interested and he's trying and now you better make up to him for all the sharpness and do something nice like make dinner or pay for dinner and tell him you do want a relationship and not just to use him for sex and tell him thank you for hanging in there and that you now realize your standards on time and contact were just different. You need to do some repairs here because you were hurtful. I don't see he did anything wrong.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 Because: 1. I really, really like him, he is like a male version of myself, we can talk for hours and we also have super intense chemistry 2. I know that dating is almost impossible for me now. Not many guys are thrilled when they hear I work Wed, Fri, Sat and Sun night, go to school Mon to Fri and on top of it have to study on most of my free evenings. So why are you asking if he might want something serious? You can't do it anyway. I'm not totally clear what it is you want from him.
Author Annalie Posted July 16, 2017 Author Posted July 16, 2017 I am asking if he might want something serious for the following reason: So, even though I am really busy and school is important to me I am ready to sacrifice some part of it as well as my sleep to have more time with him and a solid relationship. But, if he knows deep down that this will never be something real and is just fooling around while waiting for the one, I don't want to kick myself in the *ss for being a fool.
Dis Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I am asking if he might want something serious for the following reason: So, even though I am really busy and school is important to me I am ready to sacrifice some part of it as well as my sleep to have more time with him and a solid relationship. But, if he knows deep down that this will never be something real and is just fooling around while waiting for the one, I don't want to kick myself in the *ss for being a fool. Girl I hate to rain on your parade but you've been a fool this whole time I'm 31. I get it. But if you ever want to have a relationship that meets your needs you better wake up now I dont understand why you thought it was a good idea to move from having a serious relationship to FWB. He never showed you he was well suited for that role either You've allowed him to play you and dispose of you as he wishes Come on, its time to walk away
Author Annalie Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 Girl I hate to rain on your parade but you've been a fool this whole time I'm 31. I get it. But if you ever want to have a relationship that meets your needs you better wake up now I dont understand why you thought it was a good idea to move from having a serious relationship to FWB. He never showed you he was well suited for that role either You've allowed him to play you and dispose of you as he wishes Come on, its time to walk away Hey Dis, I have been reading your posts and I identify with you. We are both student nurses and we are both 30. Good looking too but horrible luck in love. He never really got dissposed of me, he was just ok, I guess, but never went out of his way.... you know the way guys who are really into you do. 1
Dis Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Hey Dis, I have been reading your posts and I identify with you. We are both student nurses and we are both 30. Good looking too but horrible luck in love. He never really got dissposed of me, he was just ok, I guess, but never went out of his way.... you know the way guys who are really into you do. I know what you mean girl Been there, done that What I meant about him disposing of you, is his behavior seems to indicate he views you as dispoable seeing as he drops off the radar and puts in next to no effort. Thats kind of his way of saying, 'I dont care' I think what makes this dynamic so hard is there seems to be this power struggle going on. You wanted a serious relationship but beause he's holding all the cards..you were willing to be FWB even though thats not what you really want (fyi, he wouldnt even be a good friend never mind FWB or bf) There is a quick remedy for all this anguish. Block him and delete his number Guys like this like the feeling of having you around when its convenient for them. Doesnt that make you feel like s**t knowing that? Arent you worth more than that? Much more? I cant tell you how good it feels to end a relationship like this by just walking off into the dark Take your power back and be done with him
Author Annalie Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) Oh, and to answer the question why I thought it would be a good idea to go from a relationship to fwb... becuase I realized I can't date anyone now, AND i kind of stopped caring about this guy. After so many "break ups" I lost the desire to be with him. Even now, I spend the night with him and I go home the next day with zero expectations and I am ok. But he doesn't act exactly like FWB only and my head is spinning around again. And, since that last talk he has been extra nice. Like always helping me look for a parking space, making sure I am not cold, hot, bored. Makes me brrakfast and coffee in the morning and gets upset if I want to leave early. Also, we often watch movies that he has already seen million times but wants me to like it.... Edited July 17, 2017 by Annalie
Author Annalie Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 I know what you mean girl Been there, done that What I meant about him disposing of you, is his behavior seems to indicate he views you as dispoable seeing as he drops off the radar and puts in next to no effort. Thats kind of his way of saying, 'I dont care' I think what makes this dynamic so hard is there seems to be this power struggle going on. You wanted a serious relationship but beause he's holding all the cards..you were willing to be FWB even though thats not what you really want (fyi, he wouldnt even be a good friend never mind FWB or bf) There is a quick remedy for all this anguish. Block him and delete his number Guys like this like the feeling of having you around when its convenient for them. Doesnt that make you feel like s**t knowing that? Arent you worth more than that? Much more? I cant tell you how good it feels to end a relationship like this by just walking off into the dark Take your power back and be done with him I know, I have a lot of dating experience but, that is the problem. He does not see me when he wants. He sees me when I can and am willing to see him. I even tested him to see if he is seeing someone else. So, I would ask to see him kn Thursday, then change it to Fri and then to Sat and he would agree to all of it. Sometimes, (not on purpose but because I am busy) we would make plans for the current wewk but I would keep postponing it, and eventually see him 10 days later. And he would always be understanding, saying that education is priority. IDK
Dis Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 I know, I have a lot of dating experience but, that is the problem. He does not see me when he wants. He sees me when I can and am willing to see him. I even tested him to see if he is seeing someone else. So, I would ask to see him kn Thursday, then change it to Fri and then to Sat and he would agree to all of it. Sometimes, (not on purpose but because I am busy) we would make plans for the current wewk but I would keep postponing it, and eventually see him 10 days later. And he would always be understanding, saying that education is priority. IDK So... you dont see any problems here?
basil67 Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 So, even though I am really busy and school is important to me I am ready to sacrifice some part of it as well as my sleep to have more time with him and a solid relationship. But, if he knows deep down that this will never be something real and is just fooling around while waiting for the one, I don't want to kick myself in the *ss for being a fool. Have you told him how you're feeling and asked if he's on the same wavelength?
Author Annalie Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 Have you told him how you're feeling and asked if he's on the same wavelength? No, the only time we spoke about it was at the very beginning when he said "lets see how things go"
Author Annalie Posted July 17, 2017 Author Posted July 17, 2017 So... you dont see any problems here? Of course, I do. Otherwise, I would be in a happy relationship now. I was just wonderig if I should stick around longer and see what happens, but it is exhausting
Dis Posted July 17, 2017 Posted July 17, 2017 Of course, I do. Otherwise, I would be in a happy relationship now. I was just wonderig if I should stick around longer and see what happens, but it is exhausting I vote no 100% no I think you know what you need to do
Author Annalie Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 I was seeing this guy for few months but we never had the "talk" and I never knew what exactly was going on between us. He was always nice, attentive, loving, caring... but we never talked about future (like future plans or when we are going to see each other again). This was partially due to my busy schedule. Anyway, we used to see each other every week and he was always the one to ask me to hang out. One week he texted me asking to hang out. I got frustrated with the entire situation and told him I had to work that evening (which was true). He then asked "when are you free next?" I was kind of cold and short and replied: "not sure. next week, maybe?" So, the following week, he reaches out again around 4pm and asks me to hang out that night. I told him "I already made plans for tonight" (which again was true). I understand this was again not the friendliest reply. A week later, I sent him a text asking to see him. Never got a reply. I sent another one the following day, saying that I wish he didnt ignore me. No reply. My question is: Why did he stop talking to me? We were not in a relationship. I got tired of hanging out with him consistently (while not really having a bf) and not seeing friends or meeting other people. If we are not in a relationship, why would I see him on a regular basis? Not sure if my texts came off as rude... or his ego got hurt...
rightondude Posted August 4, 2017 Posted August 4, 2017 I'm thinking he stopped talking to you because, like you said, you were cold, short, frustrated, not the friendliest ... 2
Author Annalie Posted August 4, 2017 Author Posted August 4, 2017 I didn't say anything rude. I only changed my attitude (from wanting to hang out every time to "I am busy") and didn't offer an alternative day. I wanted to let him know that I am not willing to hang out on a regular basis (only when I it works for me, which is selfish but it is also selfish to lead someone on for months). I am tempted to text him again but I don't want to beg him.
katmckz Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 Am in that same situation. He has been hanging out with me for so many years now and he doesn't talk about the future and neither does he let me spend my time with others. I don't get it.
ChatroomHero Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 I didn't say anything rude. I only changed my attitude (from wanting to hang out every time to "I am busy") and didn't offer an alternative day. I wanted to let him know that I am not willing to hang out on a regular basis (only when I it works for me, which is selfish but it is also selfish to lead someone on for months). QUOTE] So it is his fault he is not a mind reader? Seriously, you went from hot to cold on this guy for a particular reason but the one thing you failed to do...give him the reason. You were going along, everything seemed fine and then, only in your mind, you decided you didn't like the situation so decided to be generally crappy in your terse responses and rejection without saying anything or discussing what you really wanted with him, and you expected he would just guess the reason? You're playing games hoping he picks up on your change in attitude and suddenly too busy to hang out BS and figures it all out...He is not a mind reader Look at it from his perspective...if the tables were turned and he was hanging out with you and all of the sudden just stopped being available WITHOUT explanation, what would you think? How would you respond to a message about being ignored? You'd say **** him and move on. You changed your attitude. It is entirely your responsibility to explain to him why. Changing your attitude to punish him seems to indicate you are not ready for a relationship. Stop playing games, it doesn't sound like you are winning here. If you weren't happy with the situation why would you not discuss it with him nicely? Why try to punish him out of spite? 5
Miss Spider Posted August 5, 2017 Posted August 5, 2017 You "next week maybe"'d him. I got that recently and I blocked the person. Nobody puts baby in a corner. He might think you lost interest.Why didn't you just have the discussion with him if you want him to plan dates more in advance or want to dtr?
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