2 Months on - Do I want my Ex back or is it loneliness, guilt or love?

[MarvelFan1]

This is a long post so TLDR to get to the point:

 

I was with my Ex for 14 months, had some amazing times, but the last 2 months of the relationship I didn't love her any more due to her toxicity, but now 2 months after the break up, I miss her, is that just loneliness, guilt or do I still love her?

 

The Full Story...

 

After 14 months together, I decided that I had enough of my Ex treating me how she did, so much so that I didn't love her anymore, so I broke up with her, and now just over two months on, I miss her.

 

Am I just lonely, guilty or maybe still have a bit of love for her still in me? The relationship started out great, she was so loving and cuddly, we would snuggle for ages on the sofa watching TV, go out for dinner and just love each others company, she even really took a shining to my kids, as was great with them. After 6 months we had out first holiday together, on her birthday too, however it wasn't great, she was cold, unloving and even said that we had never been so far apart... Everything about the holiday was wrong for her, where as I was just happy to be anywhere but here. I thought that was us over, and questioned the relationship, but I thought I won't give up that easily, it could be a one off. So we got back home and everything got back to normal, had a great Christmas etc, then 11 months in, things started going down hill.

 

I started to see her differently. I was often given the illusion of choice, whether it was what dinner or film to watch, and she would keep asking me the same question over and over, after I gave her an answer, because she was looking for the 'right answer' she wanted, and when I said what she wanted to hear, I got the 'Just make up your mind' speech, as if it was my fault, and then she went along with what I chose anyway... When I asked her where she would like to go out for dinner for our anniversary, she said she didn't see the point as she has done it loads of times before (anniversary dinners), well this would have been only the second time a one year anniversary has happened to me!! When going out for a joint birthday meal, with 20 minutes to go, she asked me to come and get her as she gets anxiety meeting large groups of people, I said that she should have told me sooner as were all meeting up and leaving soon, then I got the, "You don't want me to come, you don't care" speech. I didn't even know she had anxiety, until that moment!! But she tried Emotional blackmail.

 

I was constantly the butt of the 'jokes' and that's what she said it was, 'jokes', but it wasn't nice and I raised this with her. Even raising her voice and putting me down in front of people sometimes, but it was just 'joking'. We talked about moving in and I was told what I was and wasn't allowed to have in her flat, what I could and couldn't put up etc. This lead to an argument and we didn't speak for 3 days, I said to her how silly that was. She said when are you going to move in, have kids, get a place together, and I said I don't know you can't plan out life like that, she said that she needed to know as she doesn't want to waste her time in a relationship going nowhere.

 

Before we went away on holiday, she apologized for how bad the last holiday was, and she said it wasn't me that was the cause of it being bad, it was her, as at that time she wasn't sure if she loved me or not, but she promise our next one would be better. When we went away on holiday again, she was happy, but she kept putting me down, when I said I wanted to travel here and there and do stuff with my kids she said, "You'll never be able to do, that, I'm just being realistic... I could (do it)", and when I said she upset me, she apologized. When she asked why I was still upset, I said that I accept the apology, it just takes time for the sad feeling to go, she flung my hand away and told me to, "Deal with my feelings on my own". At this stage, I just didn't love her anymore, but I wanted it to work so much!! I just said I love you because it's what she was saying to me. One day I even went most of the day without kissing her, and I didn't realize it.

 

The straw that broke the camels back was when we got invited to a friends party... I said to my friend (whose partner has anxiety), my GF suffers with anxiety, so just a heads up in case she cannot come. I then told my GF we had been invited to a party and had let my friend know about her anxiety, in case she didn't want to come. Cue the text message of, "How could you tell someone I don't know something so private, not even my friends would do that, I feel betrayed..." etc. So I apologize sincerely and said I was sorry. She was like, yeah okay, then nothing, no good night message or anything. I didn't hear from her the next day, so I popped up and she was kind of blanking me, and I said I'm here to apologize in person, and that I was sorry but my heart was in the right place. All I got was "If you say so, and are you just going to apologize from the doorway". So I left, she had nothing to say.

 

Day 3 and I thought this can't go on, it's silly, so I went to hers, sat next to her, looked her in the eyes, hands on her leg and gave my third and biggest apology, she accepted it and said, "Okay, come here" and we hugged, all sorted, then she said the words that put the nail in the coffin, in regard to my accepted apology, "That's all you had to say yesterday". As if there is some sort of criteria for me to meet. I was sick of always giving in, groveling for her forgiveness and saying sorry all the time.

 

So I went around her flat a couple of days later, said it was over, I was tired of her treating me like a lesser person, putting me down, arguing over stupid things and saying how bad she got that I didn't even want to be around her. She said I should have told her she was making me sad, and we can work on us and fixing the relationship. She begged me to try and sort it, but in my gut and heart I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. So I took her off FB and went NC.

 

Believe me, she loves me with all her heart and had such a huge bond with me, but she was pushing me away. After 3 weeks of NC I messaged her, and she was up for meeting and chatting, but I froze, I wanted to but knew after all the advice I had been given by my family I shouldn't, but a part of me regrets that I didn't meet up, and left it on kind words and that was that.

 

Two months later I saw her out in her car, I smiled and waved at her and she did the same. I so wanted her to message me, I have been wanting her to talk to me again, I have even thought about messaging her, but I haven't, as my logic says that if she hasn't even bothered to message me after 2 months, she is probably just moving on.

 

According to people who are on her FB she said that seeing me ruined her day as I have broken her and don't know her pain. But she is off on her holiday now, back to where we were a few months back, with a new male friend (I don't read much in to it).

 

Why do I miss her, and think about her constantly after how she was with me? I know she treated me bad but there was also a lot of good times too. I'm trying to look at all what lies ahead and to celebrate being free to find someone more deserving of me, and not settling for second best, but after two months, I wonder would contacting her, do more harm than good, what am I achieving... what do I want? I keep wanting to message her when I'm trying to move one, so is there something there or is that just loneliness? Do I feel guilty for not giving her a second chance?

 

Thank you everyone for your time

Edited July 16, 2017 by MarvelFan1

[Spartakooty]

Give it more time to see how you really feel and if a relationship like that is what you really want. She sounds very manipulative and insecure. You miss the highs and lows of a bad relationship...the extremes can be addictive. Of course there is good and bad in a relationship, but if the relationship is good it would outweigh the bad and not make you want break up.

[MarvelFan1]

I've had other people say she sounds manipulative and insecure too, so its nice to have someone else say that on here.

 

It's crazy that I would want to go back to living that controlling life, because I'm finding it hard to hang on and see if its what I really want, like you say. I guess some partners can do that to you, break you down until you feel that you need them, even when thy're bad for you.

[Been]

She's manipulates you so your used to it. When someone gets used to something being a constant in their life and then its gone quickly they feel like something is missing-even though it wasn't any good for them.

I had an ex like that-she was no good for me and I knew it. But for some reason I missed her and I would always take her back. And like clockwork she would start the same abusive treatment all over-getting mad and not talking to me for days. Just "joking" at my expense. And it was horrible but I was so use to it that it had become a part of my daily life. The norm.

It was only after I put some distance and TIME from her that I got away from that. That I saw it for what it was-a bad relationship.

[MarvelFan1]

She's manipulates you so your used to it. When someone gets used to something being a constant in their life and then its gone quickly they feel like something is missing-even though it wasn't any good for them.

I had an ex like that-she was no good for me and I knew it. But for some reason I missed her and I would always take her back. And like clockwork she would start the same abusive treatment all over-getting mad and not talking to me for days. Just "joking" at my expense. And it was horrible but I was so use to it that it had become a part of my daily life. The norm.

It was only after I put some distance and TIME from her that I got away from that. That I saw it for what it was-a bad relationship.

Thanks Been, I'm glad I'm not alone, and your post comforts me, thank you.

[Downtown]

Marvel, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although these symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Marvel.

[MarvelFan1]

Marvel, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although these symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Marvel.

Wow, what an insightful read, and yeah, I can see some of those traits in her.

 

She used to say how I treated her better than any of her ex's and has never been as happy with someone as she was with me (don't we all say that at some stage), but there is another thing too.

 

Back in her teens she was in a relationship with someone who was very manipulative and a control freak, she couldn't do anything without him knowing and asking etc, and after leaving him, I think from that day on, she went down the road of, 'I'm taking crap from no-one again'.

 

What is more tragic is the tale of her ex before me. He was an on/off drug addict, in and out of rehab, and she was on/off with him for about 2/3 years. She said they used to argue and when they did she would just ignore his calls for days, even when he rung up asking for her to talk to him. Now to me, when someone is in a bad place like that with demons, you don't play with there emotions by ignoring them. This was a theme of hers, she even said after a week of him living with her while he got a place he drove her mad... But still she stayed with him, maybe she like a weak person she could have power over...

 

Anyway, one day in the new year, they argued again and she did her NC thing. She was going to go around on the Friday to break up with him (again), but he tragically passed away on the Thursday from accidental death, when he was on some drugs and smothered himself after falling face first in to the sofa.

 

After I broke up with her, I crunched the numbers, and she was on POF just two months after his passing (that's when I met her and we were just friends), and when we hooked up a year later and I learned more about this story, she said she still had some clothes and aftershave of his... she clearly didn't move on. I understand photos and videos on her laptop and phone, I guess. We even couldn't go to places she went with him, so some days out had to be done elsewhere.

 

You would have thought after a tragedy like that, she wouldn't go down the ignoring people route, and even said when we argued and didn't speak for three days she didn't like not speaking before bed and saying goodnight, after what happened. But a couple of months later when we argued again, she was the one who instigated not talking to me, so she has double standards and obviously didn't learn.

 

It was always me doing the apologizing and groveling.

 

She just buries herself in her work as a coping mechanism (I think), always trying to do more than is expected of her, whether its running her own business at home all hours of the day, or cleaning for someone when she doesn't need to as she has money, but won't let anyone else have her job as her and someone else are a great cleaning team. Even working 80+ hours over some weekends a few times a month at big events... What is she trying to prove, does she need validation for herself?

Edited July 17, 2017 by MarvelFan1

[Downtown]

Modern, seeing a few of the 18 warning signs doesn't mean anything. We all exhibit those BPD behaviors occasionally. Hence, unless you're seeing most of them at a strong level, you are not seeing a strong pattern of BPD traits and my list should be ignored. Moreover, a few of the traits -- e.g., the impulsiveness and the irrational jealousy (a sign of a strong abandonment fear) -- are key characteristics of the BPD behavioral pattern. You do not mention those key features at all.