Back at it 4 months later

[Littlebird95]

Hi everyone,

 

So I had a very emotional break up about 4 months ago. Had to see my ex for the following 6-7 weeks because we are at the same university, which delayed by so much my coping. So I could say it was rough for a long 2 months before I started getting really better, and for the next month and a half, I was really feeling myself, feeling so good. I had the time to analyze the relationship more rationnally and thought I knew it was so much better without her and that I could move on easily.

 

I guess I was wrong, as since about a week, I constantly have mixed feelings. Like I miss her, but hate her at the same time (about how she was with me during the relation). I know the moment we had together were perfect, but the rest was not so great.. I just dont know how to deal with this...

[Jsos91]

I'm in the same boat my friend. You feel great for a while and feel like you're making progress and then it just hits you like a ton of bricks. It's all just part of the process, it's frustrating as hell but it's just nature taking its course. Let it happen and accept everything as it comes. Just know people are going through the EXACT thing right now and you'll be okay. I miss her for a bit and I'll hate her for a bit... it's just how it goes.

[Littlebird95]

You're right, but it sucks feeling this way. I mean, I know for sure our relationship was kinda wrong at the end, I wasnt so good for her (neither she was for me) and I must say I've work a lot on improving myself during this 4 months and some of our common friends did notice and told me it was great seeing me this way.

 

I've surprised myself thinking, ''What if we both changed, could it work now?''. Don't get me wrong, i do not plan on talking to her anytime soon for a possible reconciliation. I just have a hard time understanding myself. How can I miss her and even think about that, when I had 4 months to analyze all of it, with the conclusion that we were just way too different to be able to understand each other and be together. Like my rational side is working, but the emotion keeps messing with my head. I hate that, i don't want to miss someone I know wasnt right for me.

[fieldoflavender]

You can miss someone even if they are not the right person for you. To have to stuck out for a long time means someone is not all good or bad - there's parts of grey.

[Littlebird95]

I feel like there hasnt been any improvements since a week. I dont know why but I'm back at the old habits I had at the beginning of the break up, like I feel like spying on her social media even though I shouldnt, I tend to forget all the bad thibgs about our relationship and keep wondering "what if we both changed?". I miss the perfect time I had with her.

 

It annoys me to feel like that. I had all the time needed to analyze the qhole thing and It looks like i havent done any good and the 2 last months where I was feeling so good are completely lost.

[mousse]

Hey,

 

I just want to tell you that it's normal to feel this way. Recovering from a break up is a kind of 'back and forth' process where you always go two steps forward and one step back, but, eventually it settles. It's a slow process and you have to keep on pushing until you reach the finish line. It's good you analyzed the break up intellectually, as it will help your heart accept it completely eventually .

 

Best of luck,

Mousse

[Littlebird95]

Hey guys, I've been around for some times here and answering/giving out my thoughts on some posts, but I think I needed to write my own one with everything im feeling here, as it is quite mixed up.

 

Got dumped about 5 months ago, had to fail NC for 6 weeks after break up (same university courses), then complete NC since the end of school. I have to say that 3 weeks into the break up, I kinda ****ed up any chance of getting her back by being a jerk, but still. After the university, the healing really started. I was feeling great, started to be more confident, enjoying life all by myself. Even family and friends noticed a positive change and said it was great to see me like that.

 

However, since the past month, I just feel like I'm in reverse healing. everything I've accomplished so far doesnt seem to matter now. Everyday is worse than the previous one. I'm not the kinda guy that dreams everynight, but I started to, and EVERYTIME, it's about her. Well, I'd say they're more nightmares than dreams as I just want to cry after and feel like garbage.

 

I've tried dating people, but damn I just hate the whole thing. No one seems good. Its all about the ''game'' (im only 22) and it just makes me angry to try dating or whatever, as nothing good comes out of it. Also, few times a day, out of the blue (even if i'm having fun with friends), a random thought of her will pop in my head and ruin my mood. I cannot control it, it just pisses me off. And to make it worse, I thought i had deleted all of our pictures on my cellphone, but turns out my Ipad didnt sync with my Iphone via icloud and ALL of our picture are still on it. This was the worst day since 4 months. I just want to avoid any events I know she might be there.

 

I've started to think of her daily. I have difficulty sleeping. I'm stressed, anxious, because in like 3 weeks, we'll be back at university and i'll have to see her everyday for the next year (we share the lots of common friends there). I wont lie, a small part of me still hope I had a chance to get her back, but it is quite unlikely that it will happen.

 

However, as I said, I messed up a while ago, and I have no clue how she is feeling towards me. Does she hates me? Did she forgive me? I feel like she deserves an apology from me (it isnt an excuse to break NC, trust me), but I'm quite scared of her reaction. As I said, we share lots of common friends (mostly hang out with the exact same people during school semester) and I dont want to be excluded because of her. I'm scared that she still hates me and doesnt want to hear what I have to say and that it is going to be akward for everyone around us. I just want a ''friendship'' where we can talk normally if we have too and not be heavy for people near us.

[preraph]

If she's been not speaking to you, then of course she still hates you and you can't change that. You can't get a woman's trust back. I mean, sometimes you can get them kind of back on board, but they will NEVER feel deeply about you if they ever did because they don't trust you and will never trust you and give themselves fully.

 

If you blow it with someone, don't go apologizing for your own selfish reasons. Just leave her alone because I'm sure she's more hurt by what you did than you are by what you did.

[Growing_Changing]

You have a chance to SHOW you've improved, you need to look upon yourself and fix the issues that cause you to not be the person you want to be. Be yourself, work out hard, challenge yourself most importantly. Every day you push and strive to be better than the day before is when the REAL healing takes place. She'll notice you're fine without her, she'll at least hold respect for you. It's all a matter of how you carry yourself!! Roll your shoulders back and get to work, healing is happening, even in the bad points!

[abandoned386]

I hear you on the dreaming.. Same problem here. I posted about it not long ago.. The dreams do not help at all.. Sorry to hear about your situation.. I hope for the best.. It SUCKS

[Goodguy05]

I can relate to u seeing her everyday I work wth my ex for the last almost yr it's been challenging especially wen she got involved wth another work colleague watching that for a few mths before he resigned and believe it or not moved to live and work overseas was hell.

 

Without knowing the context of ur fall out and way exactly u did it's hard to give any perspective. Having said that though if it's something u really feel u need to do and will help u let go I would suggest u do it. Not wth the intention of getti g her back but because ur genuinely remorseful. I did that yrs ago I just had this ex I couldn't get out of my head for a good 3 yrs till finally I told her what was always on my mind the truth and I just let go she called wen she received my Xmas card and I never returned her card shortly after that I m3t my now ex wife lol such we lasted ten yrs. If it helps do it but do It properly carefully wth consideration to u and her good luck

[MarvelFan1]

It's been three months now since I split from my ex and the last 2 months have been NC, and right now, I am ready to break NC to contact her and ask about fixing us.

 

In the last 3 Months I've gotten back in the gym, spent more time with friends and made more time for me, but I miss the companionship so much. Plus I have too many 'What If's' in my head, as I never gave her a second chance to change, when she asked for one.

 

People say don't do it, for many reasons, but on is that I'd be giving the power back to her, and as I did the dumping, I see their point, but I'd rather her have it and try and fix us. Maybe I was being to rash with my decision, even after I writing down all her cons and issues.

 

I'm clasping at straws and so confused, and I too feel like everything has been for nothing, I want to be happy, but I sometimes feel I can only be that with her. It feels like my hard work is coming undone, and that I won't be happy until I'm back with her.

[Littlebird95]

Goodguy05:

As I havent got any better since a month, I feel like this is something I need to do. There are so many untold things and doubts, and I need to get everything out of my chest so I can be free of it.

 

After the break up, we had to hang with our common friends and would drop things like ''stop, you knew I hated it when we were together, why do you keep doing this'' and I was there saying ''wtf'' to myself as she never told me. I asked her to clarify the real reasons of the break up, but refuses because she was to emotional to do it. I wanted to know so I could get better for a future person. But I never knew why. I need some kind of closure I guess in order to heal fully now.

 

Growing_changing:

For sure I intend to show her I have improve. Well in fact, to all of my friends, as they all knew what I wanted to change and they supported me. I think I made a lot of progress and that I'm a way better person that I use to be, even if I always considered myself someone good. I'm not saying I wanna talk to her to convince her I've changed, this wont work. I just want to share my apologies and see how we can work this out together in order to at least be able to talk to each other in a friendly manner when we need to, so its not awkward for us and people around us.

 

Preraph:

I already came to mind that I will never get her back, unless she falls for me again when she'll see how I've improved, but in no way this is my goal and I wont try anything just to ''charm her'' again. I'll keep doing my thing and at least hope for something not awkward and heavy for others around. I just dont want it to be a kind of ''war'' and ignoring each other. Not sure if I explained myself clearly here tho.

 

For the ''selfish reasons'', I actually spoke to one of our common friend to tell her how I was feeling lately and what she thought about the apology. She said she thought it was a good idea, but offered to ask my ex if she'll agree to it. (I didnt want her to talk to her first, but somehow she convinced me). Turns out my ex things it might be a good thing.