LDR in shambles

[rie39]

Hello all,

 

I need advice so badly about my LDR relationship. My relationship has been a unique one as it has not only been a long-distance one (in which I haven't met my partner) but also cross- cultural: I am from the western world and he is from the middle east. We are both young (in 20s) and uni students. He is muslim and I'm not. I hope I don't just get judged instantly for my unique situation (e.g. he is dangerous if from middle east! or something like that) and you look into what I write and give me advice. I don't know if I, or he, screwed up the LDR, I need insight.

 

I was non religious when I met him online however was starting to look into religion at the time. I came to really appreciate his religion. We started talking on social media and it somehow turned into us talking every day (texting) and enjoying phone and video calls. We never met but were quite close and messaging throughout the day every day. The friendship was beneficial because he shared poetry and art and literature I didn't know about before.

 

Eventually we agreed we were together in a relationship and would reject others for each other. I know it seems silly but we just felt a strong connection for some reason, and he communicated from very early on his feelings for me. He did seem very very into me from early on which isn't a good idea, I don't know why but he was. But I really came to like him and his same interests as me and he was really sweet. We talked about the future and that if we met and really liked each other in real life we could get married. I thought about things like that I would convert to islam.

 

But I told him recently I don't know actually how I feel about the idea idea of wearing a hijab and covering up my body more than I do now. I felt maybe that I am comfortable with my culture's freedom of dressing. But I wasn't sure, I was just confused and it is a huge change so it was normal for me to be uneasy.

 

It really upset him. He ended the relationship. I feel bad that after talking to him for a year I eventually say that instead of committing to changing the clothes I wear for the sake of us, but at the same time if it doesn't feel right I can't do it. But is it really wrong I did that, or should he have forgiven me and not broken up with me. I didn't even tell him I was sure I don't want to change the way I dress, I just told him I'm stressed about the topic. I feel he should've maybe had more patience with me. He now says it's my fault it's all over, that I made a huge mistake.

 

There are other problems. We have had arguments before about me not being a virgin, me having touched myself in the past, although I tried to convince him that he shouldn't blame me for that because in my culture and with my non religious upbringing they weren't sins. Those things (marrying a virgin wife, not masturbating) are really important in his culture. But he ended up saying he wanted to continue despite those things because he loved me. Now that we've broken up he tells me that he did so much by ignoring those things he wanted, so t's bad that I couldn't at least accept a different way of dressing.

 

He now is cold and saying he shouldn't have wasted his efforts on me. He blames me for things I did wrong in the past, e.g. walked with my ex to a store once, when I started talking to the new guy, although I told him that isn't a crime, that there was no affection in my conversations with my ex when I walked with him to the store, it wasn't cheating. And after that I stopped talking to my ex at all.

 

He says I have no advantages to give him anymore. He keeps talking about how a virgin will make him so happy when he first has sex with her. It hurts because I'm not a virgin. All because I'm not a virgin, took a while to get into a relationship with him, and told him I don't know how I feel about completely covering up.

 

I actually have started to feel low self esteem about my self because of not being a virgin, obviously due to him wanting a virgin, but I remind myself there isn't actually anything wrong with that and maybe if I find another guy he will accept me fine.

 

I understand however, that if he wants a virgin wife who is comfortable completely clothing up that he deserves that. I just want to know am I a bad girlfriend or have I not done wrong.

 

I'm really hurt because this is my second failed relationship (first one was not online). Both guys loved me immensely then just give up.

 

Advice please.

Edited July 15, 2017 by rie39

[ExpatInItaly]

Where you went wrong was investing in someone you have never met, from a vastly different culture.

 

I understand you two connected, but this was very unlikely to have worked out. You come from two entirely different backgrounds and he was already not comfortable with your beliefs and experiences. I think you expressing your discomfort with one of his beliefs (that women should wear the hijab and dress modestly) was never going to be accepted by him. It was his way or the highway, essentially. This is why it is usually not a good idea to get involved with someone from a devout background that is so different from yours: unless you were prepared to adopt the religion and the lifestyle to his liking, it wasn't going to work. It also very improbable that his family ever would have accepted you.

 

I'm sorry you're hurt. But I think you do need some perspective on what you were actually involved in. You don't know the guy in person. He lives in a part of the world in which your lifestyle and background is frowned upon, and he is part of that. He already doesn't view you as his equal; you're already "damaged goods" to him, in his mind. What kind of future could you really have had? Were you thinking of moving to him? Or him to you? How realistic was that prospect, really? Given his strong reaction to your hesitation about covering your hair, it seems pretty clear that this is not a match. And he's trying to blame it all on you. Pfft, let him. This isn't The One for you. I don't think he ever had serious intentions of meeting or marrying you, to be perfectly honest. He might not even be in a position to select his own wife, depending on where he comes from. In many Muslim societies, it's the parents choice.

 

At the risk of sounding like your mother, please do not enter relationships with men you have never met. It's not wise and not healthy for you.

Edited July 15, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[rie39]

Thanks so much for a firm but non-judgemental response.

 

I do feel his reaction was very strong and I'm surprised how badly he reacted. It really was one thing that made me realise we aren't compatible.

 

I don't think he ever had serious intentions of meeting or marrying you, to be perfectly honest.

 

I did have a good feeling he wanted to meet or marry, but your comment does make me question that, why do you say you think he wasn't serious?

I thought he was serious because he started english classes to help him find a job here in the future, planned to start work to save up to see me, and after the breakup he seemed really upset about it not working out. He seemed to be very serious and trying his best for our future. And seemed very upset about it not working and anything I did to prevent it working out.

[Whodatdog]

I will never understand how people can go thru so much drama and angst in a relationship.....and never even have met.

 

Thank your lucky stars he ended it with you.

[Hoosfoos]

You never met him in person or spent extended periods of time with him so it doesn't qualify as a real relationship.

 

The cultural demands he placed on you before you even met were totally ridiculous. It is your business, and no one else's, whether you are a virgin or not, how you dress, and whether or not your hair is covered or uncovered in public.

 

You can be sure that his family would 100% disapprove of you if you didn't fully commit to converting to his religion which would be a huge life mistake.

[ExpatInItaly]

why do you say you think he wasn't serious?

 

 

Because he told you he wanted a virgin wife. And he knew you weren't a virgin. I think he got caught up in fantasy, but deep-down, knew there was no real future here. I also suspect this is why he chose to make his exit now, over the issue of hijab, because he knew this would come to an end sooner or later anyway. If he couldn't accept you as you were, there is no way in heck his family would have - and family honor is a cornerstone of many Islamic cultures. It is highly unlikely he would have bucked the trend that much and gone against tradition in taking a non-Muslim, non-virgin wife.

 

Your willingness to convert wouldn't have changed much, either; it's not like that can restore your virginity or erase the elements of your past that your ex didn't like.

 

You got too attached to an online buddy. I don't mean to minimize your feelings for him, but this wasn't a boyfriend-girlfriend situation. Virtual relationships are just not the same as real, in-person relationships. In the future, keep a sense of perspective and balance. Don't commit to anyone you've never met, and don't make big future plans that would potentially change your entire life.

[Space Ritual]

I need advice about my LDR relationship. My relationship has been a unique one as it has not only been a long-distance one (in which I haven't met my partner)

 

You are living a fantasy in internet air. This is no relationship. Never has been, never will be. You are infatuated with the feelings generated on computer screen...nothing more, nothing less.

 

Go date somebody in your own town, you know, somebody you can touch, look into their eyes, and actually be intimate with.

[rie39]

Because he told you he wanted a virgin wife. And he knew you weren't a virgin. I think he got caught up in fantasy, but deep-down, knew there was no real future here. I also suspect this is why he chose to make his exit now, over the issue of hijab, because he knew this would come to an end sooner or later anyway. If he couldn't accept you as you were, there is no way in heck his family would have - and family honor is a cornerstone of many Islamic cultures. It is highly unlikely he would have bucked the trend that much and gone against tradition in taking a non-Muslim, non-virgin wife.

 

Your willingness to convert wouldn't have changed much, either; it's not like that can restore your virginity or erase the elements of your past that your ex didn't like.

 

You got too attached to an online buddy. I don't mean to minimize your feelings for him, but this wasn't a boyfriend-girlfriend situation. Virtual relationships are just not the same as real, in-person relationships. In the future, keep a sense of perspective and balance. Don't commit to anyone you've never met, and don't make big future plans that would potentially change your entire life.

 

Wow yeah, thank you for that insight. You make me realise more how dead-end it was... It's true, about the fantasy. He was often switching between saying he can't be with me because of things I've done in the past, to saying he can't live without me and that I'm good if I changed my behaviours for him from when I committed to him. Thinking back to many things he blamed me for, they weren't even bad it was like he inflated many things to be bad.

 

Thank you for helping me see things clearer

[ExpatInItaly]

I am glad you have more clarity.

 

It would be a far better use of your time to meet guys locally, who accept you as you are. Wasting all of this time with a guy so far away - geographically, culturally - almost never has a positive outcome.

 

Real love doesn't look like this. You will find it if you invest wisely.

[joseb]

Eventually, although we haven't met, we agreed we were together in a relationship and would reject others for each other.

 

Why would you agree to that?

 

I really struggle to understand what goes through peoples heads in these situations. And that's not even going into all the reasons you two were totally unsuitable.

 

Do you want an actual relationship? If so, date people nearby.

Block this guy and don't waste another minute on this.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This is easy. This isn't love. This isn't even close to what love looks like or feels like.

[CptInsano]

It doesn't sound like love to me, either. His demands were very one-sided, so I would say that you should consider yourself lucky that it didn't progress any further.

[Els]

It's absolutely not your fault! I am sure there will be other guys who aren't complete dicks.

 

Stay strong.

[smackie9]

You have been dating the wrong men. Time to re-evalate as to why you don't stop yourself from investing in guys that are so not right for you. Your first priority should be your expectations. If they can't be fulfilled promptly dump them. Lingering around, complaining about them is counter productive to your life. You keep this up you will never reach your goals.

[Versacehottie]

Well unfortunately I think you have to move on from this guy. I know plenty of people from various religions, including Moslem. The thing is not because he is Moslem but how tightly and strictly he adheres to the values and cultural things from his religion. There are some Moslems (same as Christians, Jews, etc) who interpret their religion and adhere to is very closely and want the values of the religion reflected strongly in daily life and cannot imagine a life without that and then others who don't make religion have such a stronghold on their lives even if they come from the same religion. You just reached an incompatibility with him that is natural to discover as you start to consider a serious future with someone.

 

The same thing can happen with other values (like money, lifestyle, family, etc) as you start to compare them and measure up against a potential lifelong partner. At this point, I think it's better to just not talk to him because he is starting to express a strong dislike for some of the things you ARE, that you can't change. I think you both may be attracted to each other but he feels so strongly about his values that he will constantly be in conflict about you. And you haven't even met so. "Failures" make us stronger. I actually don't think 2 is that many! Just know you are probably going to go through another handful of guys before you meet the right one. Try not to place so much importance on getting to a lifelong commitment once something is begun. The process is ABOUT finding out if a person would make a good partner for you and vice versa in the long run. So you have to do it (date) in order to know. Sometimes you get all your information over the course of the time you date only to discover that no, you would not make a good life long partner. That's what happened here. Technically not a failure since it prevents you from making a much bigger mistake. It's just a stopping point. Good luck