A Question for the Guys: Why Do Men Avoid "Relationship Future" Discussions?

[aviva_dawn]

Why is it that guys don't like to plan the future.....at least in reference to relationships? Yet, when it comes to something that THEY want to do, they'll move heaven and hell to do it!

 

 

Some info on us:

We've dated off and on since August 2003 (one mutual breakup from June 2004 to February 2005 due to distance. When I moved closer to him (where he lives and my hometown are about twenty minutes away....) we got back together.)

I'm 21 and am in college, planning to become a lawyer, but I have a few backup plans in case my original goal doesn't work. He's 29 amd a teacher for now. He's finished a training course to become a Real Estate Agent, and will take the state exam in a few weeks. That combined with financial investing is what he plans to spend the rest of his life doing.

 

Trying to get him to talk about our future is like pulling teeth. I want to know if he is planning on being with me long term without marriage, or eventual marriage. He does say that he doesn't anticipate a time when we're NOT together. I know that I should accept that as an answer, but I am not one of those people who simply likes to "go along for the ride." without having a clue as to what to expect while on the ride.

 

He knows that I want to be with him forever. In the last few months, I decided that I'll wait forever for him to decide what he wants rather than pressure him into making a decision like I was doing in May....I don't see myself with anyone else, and I also am not a fan of serial dating......if I've found Mr. Right, I don't see a reason to rock the boat and end the relationship simply because he won't commit when I want him to....

All I want to know is what direction does he want our relationship to go? He's buying a house, but doesn't mention me living in it with him. He does talk about us going on trips all over the place. He knows my family extremely well, but I haven't met his in all of the time that we've known each other. He says that he likes to keep his relationships private and wants his parents out of his personal business (He is extremely close to them though.... never missing a birthday, holiday or other family gathering with them.) and that is the reason that he's given for not introducing me to them. We don't live together, but see each other quite often.

 

He consults with me before doing anything major (just to get my opinion about what he is planning to do, even if he's already decided that he's doing it anyway....) in his life, such as purchasing land, changing careers (which he is in the process of doing right now....) and such. I do the same with him. Really, I shouldn't be complaining when our relationship is pretty good. I just want to know about our future. If he decided that he didn't want to marry me, but wanted me to be with him for the rest of his life, I wouldn't care....that's all that I want. To be with him as a partner for life.

 

So, my question to the guys is this: Why do men not like to discuss the future of their relationships? Is it because they don't want to lose their gf by saying "I don't plan on marrying you, but I want to stay with you until I do find Miss Right" or something of the sort? Or is it for some other reason?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

your 21 and he is 29.. 8 years is a lot at your age..

 

Maybe it is that even though you have him in your sights for the future.. He doesn't see you in his.

 

Maybe he is a CP .. Sometimes guys his age don't want to be tied down yet..

 

I would just try and bring up the future again.. Not pressuring him but trying to find out where he stands.

 

How many conversations do you both have talking about the future together.. Does he ever mention both of you doing things ? Like buying a house or having kids ?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I want to know if he is planning on being with me long term without marriage, or eventual marriage.

 

Until he knows the answer fully himself, there is no way of knowing. If you dwell too much on the future, you will surely find your present slipping away. You have to nurture and enjoy life in the present, so that there will be a future. No man wants a future with a woman who makes it into an obligation. I'm sure he wants to be happy knowing that he is freely choosing it, not being led by the nose into it. I know that you want to be sure, but so does he.

 

So, my question to the guys is this:

 

1. Why do men not like to discuss the future of their relationships?

2. Is it because they don't want to lose their gf by saying "I don't plan on marrying you, but I want to stay with you until I do find Miss Right"

3. or something of the sort?

4. Or is it for some other reason?

 

1. I don't think anyone does, when they are not 100% sure that is what they want.

2. Not necessarily. Just because you are Miss Right Now doesn't mean you won't have a chance of being Mrs. Right.

3. Sometimes it is simply not knowing if you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.

4. Sometimes there are other reasons. If the 'not talking about the future' is paired with distant, cold or dismissive behavior - or he gets angry and defensive about 'committing' then that isn't the stuff that honest soul searching is made of. That is more of an exit strategy.

[Cecelius]

I have three small possibilities:

 

1) You are very young, and he is old enough to have seen that young people are very fickle and can change their minds fairly quickly. Since you've still got a lot of school to go before real life starts, it makes sense for him to enjoy the current times as they go and watch how you mature. If you're still into him in a few years, then fine. If a couple go by, you change your mind, get cold feet, meet some frat dude, whatever, its a good thing that he didn't rush into marriage or an agreement to get married.

 

2) He is a smart man in that he knows that his attractiveness as a man is in his independence, individuality, etc. For him to agree to get tied down like that removes his primary source of attraction. No matter how much a man wants to settle down, the smart ones will retain an element of challenge and uncertainty.

 

3) Agreeing to get married before you've asked someone, or discussing your long term plans, etc., is one excellent way to grind all the pleasure, anticipation and romance out of any relationship.

[capemay]

I've read the other posts made by the OP. She's had her sights on him for two years and hasn't looked at anyone else. It also appears that she doesn't like to date and the idea of dating is frivolous to her. If this is true, it's going to be a sad road for her.

You normally do not end up with the first person that you fall in love with. Dating is necessary to meet Mr. Right.

 

to aviva_dawn:

21 is young to be so settled on one man, especially one much older than you. Why don't you be patient and see if your relationship lasts until you are done with college? (Which I doubt....the love of your college life usually disappears before the middle of junior year.... ) If it does, then ask him what he wants. (That is if he hasn't told you already...) If not, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I know that may hurt, but life hurts and you've got to get used to that.

 

Personally, I think that you're being used aviva_dawn. No 29 year old guy would even think of being with someone so much younger than he is unless he is having fun with the poor girl's emotions. That's my opinion though. If I do say so myself, if he is playing you, he's wasting a lot of his time and yours if he has been doing it for two years......perhaps I may be wrong and he may truly love you.