She's still using Tinder

[Ruby Slippers]

Normally I'd say step up and ask her to be exclusive. But she's already made it clear that her mind and heart are not aligned with that, at least not with you. She's treating you like an option, not a priority. If you give more, you're in a position of weakness. If I were you, I'd mirror her behavior by treating her like an option and pursuing other women. She sounds like the type of woman for whom this will be catnip.

[olivetree]

I agree with grays and am surprised more people aren't commenting on how rude and disrespectful she was.

 

I would be weary that you can expect her to handle future disagreements in the same way.

 

Her attitude is not exactly conducive to an intimate relationship where you can open up and be vulnerable and yourself.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'll agree that she was not pleasant. This relationship doesn't seem to have had a rudder attached from the start, not a secure one at least. It's time to move on.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The writing is on the wall with this woman. Clear as crystal.

 

This is a field of mind games as far as I'm concerned. Many of her responses reveal her state of mind and how she views relationships in general as well as your own 'relationship' and they are not even in the same book never mind the same chapter or page as you.

 

Save your dignity.

 

If any man I was dating behaved and responded in such a way, I would hand him the pink slip and be on my merry way. I wouldn't need to come on here and ask a bunch of strangers for advice on this one. Sorry but it's just too obvious.

 

You think you can switch gears and do the FWB despite having confessed to 'falling hard' for her then so be it. I'm not convinced you can but it's your life.

 

Good luck.

[frigginlost]

Wait... what??

 

Some are saying you came off as needy and clingy? Holy crap, what is the world coming to regarding relationships...

 

Op, I didn't take anything you said as needy or clingy. I took it as someone that was trying to find out where they stood with someone after being presented with something that gave you doubt (rightfully so).

 

You seem to have a damn good head on your shoulders, but I think you might be a little bit on the insecure side because this girl fits the mold you have been looking for. Buddy, there are others out there.

 

Simply stated, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. She was tap dancing and spinning the conversation back on you. That is the trait of a manipulator. She is showing it to you after just two months. Do you see yourself 2 years from now dealing with that type of behavior only worse? Her words on relationships is massively alarming. Listen to them...

 

You deserve to be with someone that after 2 months and meeting the family that has you 150% dead on in their sights.

[salparadise]

You both handled it quite badly IMHO. Relationships tend to be a mirror like that. You went in needy and insecure and she responded avoidant and flighty. Frame your desires positively and confidently and you will get a different response. Chill out and next time you see her say something like this:

 

I think we're good together and I want us to just see each other, and see how that goes. What do you think? But if you'd prefer to stay casual and date others too let me know and I'll consider it.

 

Then you'll know, and you can decide. End of, no need for drama.

Clear consistent positive communication, works wonders

 

So after two months of dating he catches her soliciting dick on Tinder, and you thing HE should put himself out there even further by asking for commitment/exclusivity? I believe in clear communication, however, the dance is complex and you can't just say everything that passes between your ears––women are the masters of the game, but expect men to be simple, direct and open with their feelings.

 

I don't get why people construe his inquiry to have indicated insecurity (unless I missed something important). He broached the topic and asked for an explanation in a rather direct way I thought. I do think that conversation should've been much shorter, as in... are you still on Tinder? Why?

 

As sensitive as women are about the nuances of how guys treats them, reading between the lines and all, it seems to be completely lost on them that men are sensitive too and need to be treated with respect and given appropriate signals to assure them it's safe to open their hearts and push past vulnerability.

 

My former girlfriend was good at that at least... she quit logging in after we met on okc, and then she deleted her profile. No prompting or anything. When I mentioned that I noticed it she gave me the sweetest smile. THAT is communication!

 

That woman messed up. First but not having closed those accounts after a few weeks, and second by having the damn notification turned on while she was with him.

 

I think OP needs to back away. If she comes after him, apologizes and offers something to reassure, then maybe. Otherwise, let her go. No guy should be investing in a woman who's still playing the field after two months. It's just stupid.

[Usename12]

The guy was acting insecure. He needs to take control of the situation and be confident. Forget texting. Forget Tinder, ringtones, AOL, passive aggressive "I know I don't own you" talk, whatever. You want to have that talk, do it in person. That's hard and it can be awkward to transition to that discussion, but it takes a confident man to do that. Say, "We've been together a couple of months and I think we're good together. I'd like to for us to be exclusive and go on this journey together." She'll either say yes, no, not yet, or she'll think about it. He can then figure out what works for him and stick to that. He needs to show that she's lucky to have him, not the other way around. With all the needy, thirsty, passive aggressive guys out there, he will stand out if he is confident.

[SevenCity]

To those who don't think this is needy / insecure, allow me to translate:

 

Me: Should I worry about your Tinder notification?

"I don't know where I stand with you so I need you to set my mind at ease"

Her: No silly

 

Me: You had to swipe right to get that notification. But we never discussed us, so I can't complain

"Even though it upsets me that you are on Tinder, I am back-peddling letting you know my feelings don't matter"

 

Her: No need to get paranoid over nothing

 

Me: Not so much paranoid, more like I don't want to look like a fool. I'm trying to plan something for your birthday while you may or may not still be searching the market (which you have every right to, we never declared ourselves an item) but should I scale back any plans?

"I am more invested in the RL than you are and I've made future plans. I need to know RIGHT NOW if I should scale them back. I am not going to live in the present, I am going to worry about the future with you"

 

I guess I'd rather know where you are than be blindsided

"I cannot deal with uncertainty and I need you to reassure me one way or the other. This will have the adverse effect of pressuring you, which will drive you away as well"

 

Me: We can talk later, I know you're tired.

"I'm bothering you - even though we've been dating for two months. Even though I have something that is burning me up inside I'm only thinking of how you are feeling now and putting my feelings to the side"

 

Her: Nothing really to talk about. Happy the way things are right now. no need to make them complicated. Yes-app is on my phone. No-not looking for anything else right now. Geez

 

Next morning

 

Me: All good. I guess I need to slow myself down a little bit.

"I was doing it wrong because I don't know how to date or treat a woman. I will change who I am for you"

 

 

Her: Why does getting involved with anyone just end up being mind games and stress and tiptoeing around to ensure every single thing I do or say doesn't get somehow taken wrong or turned around to be somehow be personally offensive and overthought and a huge big deal? Everything really doesn't need to be that complicated.

 

Me: I'm not trying to play games. I told you before that I prefer honesty. I don't own you, I'm not married to you, you can use Tinder as much as you want.

"Even though I want you to be exclusive with me I am giving you permission to do whatever you want even if it is in conflict with what I want"

 

All I needed to know is whether we were on the same page or not.

"I need reassurance that I am doing the right thing. I know, as a man, I should be confident but I need validation from you"

 

I deleted Tinder, you are still opening it up and swiping right. Obviously we are on different pages.

"I jumped the gun on our RL before ever having a discussion about exclusivity. I expected you to feel how I did despite your actions not showing the same"

 

Good to know.

"Now I'm butt hurt"

 

Me: I'm tired of falling for people and getting hurt.

"This happens again and again to me. It's my issue that I've now broadcast to you. Further showing that I do not know how to interact with women."

 

I need to protect myself because I'm falling for you, hard!

"Even though you just said you want to take it slow, I'm lobbing over feelings of love. So basically, I'm pressuring you in saying that I'm over here and you're not"

 

 

Me: And if you tell me it's nothing, then I have to believe that it's nothing.

"I'll have to take your word - even though I don't really believe you"

 

 

Me: I don't want to stop seeing you. And I'm not trying to play games.

"I'm trying to be upfront but I don't realize that women don't want to be spoken to so directly and painted in a corner where they have no choice but to end things"

 

Me: Now I know that I need to be better than any guy that swipes right on you. Keep me on my toes.

"I've been put on notice. Now I have to WORK for you even harder than I have been. That must sound like I don't value my worth - spoiler alert...I don't. And working hard for you has done nothing...so I'll work even HARDER!"

 

 

Her: And how do you know the tinder notification didn't finally result from a swipe months ago?

I've learned not to fall for people-just ends up in hurt and dissapointment. Is what it is.

 

Me: That could be true as well. It's up to you to be open and honest with me.

"My anxiety is so high I want to believe you but I still do not."

 

And I can only trust what you tell me.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire"

 

I really don't want to disappoint you.

"This is all about you. My feelings mean nothing. I'll do what ever it takes to please Your Highness"

 

 

And I feel like talking further about this will only look like I'm guilting you.

"I can't stop talking about this"

 

I don't want that either. Just know that I still feel the same for you right now.

"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME OVER THIS!!!! But wait, you are the one still on Tinder, right?"

 

Just a little hiccup that will fade away.

"I swear we can get past this! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!"

 

 

What you've done is put yourself in a position of less power. She now knows she can do anything and you'll put up with it. If you want a committed RL, then don't settle for anything less.

 

As far as what to do going forward? Nothing. Don't ever bring it up again. Show that you can walk if you need to and stuff your insecurities deep down inside and realize you are better than most of the guys who live in your area. Recognize your value and act accordingly. I can understand if the conversations were reversed - she would be perfectly normal (feminine, insecure) with your responses if you were the one to receive the Tinder notification.

 

Women tend to have more respect for you if they know you have other options and will not put up with BS. She will love you more if she knows you can walk away.

[OatsAndHall]

Personally, I think your mistake was not handling it in a more firm manner. I would have come straight out and said that I don't like that she still has an open OLD account and that we'd need to talk about the future of the relationship at that point. No tip-toeing around it; we've been together for two months, we've become immersed in each other's lives so we're either exclusive and the OLD accounts go away or we're done. You are correct in stating that you don't own her. However, I do think there is a certain level of exclusivity that is implied when you've met her family and you've been together for two months. With that being said, one would hope that the thought of deleting her Tinder account would have crossed her mind at some point. Especially if she is still getting notifications.

 

There comes a point when you're dating someone when you shouldn't have to sit down at the bargaining table. There are (well, USED TO BE) social norms that were just adhered to. "I've been with someone for two months, I like him enough to bring him into my children's/family's lives so maybe I should ditch the possibility of dating other guys without having to be asked/negotiated."

Edited July 14, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[guest569]

I think OP has reason to feel insecure as it appears to be a serious relationship but she is still on the market. Definitely should have been handled differently but they are on completely different pages so, does it matter? Seems like OP is not willing to wait, or will be feeling a lot of heartache if he does.

[ChatroomHero]

To those who don't think this is needy / insecure, allow me to translate:

 

 

 

What you've done is put yourself in a position of less power. She now knows she can do anything and you'll put up with it. If you want a committed RL, then don't settle for anything less.

 

As far as what to do going forward? Nothing. Don't ever bring it up again. Show that you can walk if you need to and stuff your insecurities deep down inside and realize you are better than most of the guys who live in your area. Recognize your value and act accordingly. I can understand if the conversations were reversed - she would be perfectly normal (feminine, insecure) with your responses if you were the one to receive the Tinder notification.

 

Women tend to have more respect for you if they know you have other options and will not put up with BS. She will love you more if she knows you can walk away.

 

This entire response with the translations in the actual post might be the most spot on assessment ever posted on this site.

 

Every translation is pretty much how the woman (or anyone in the same position) will see the texts, even if OP doesn't recognize her perspective.

[AGuyInCNY]

Ahh, you guys are all over the place. Everyone has an opinion, and who knows how to really handle the situation. Every person is different, and needs to be handled differently.

 

Now that I think about it more, I was more secure in this relationship until that moment. Now I'm overthinking every little thing said and done.

 

A little background on her. She is not the type to sleep with anyone, so I don't think she is going to run out and sleep around just because she is on Tinder. She broke up with her last boyfriend over a year ago, and slept with nobody since then. At least she told me that. And one night, after drinking a couple too many wines, she admitted to sleeping with another ex for a while after a break up. I've done the same, and admitted to her that I've been there. We both agreed that it is sometimes easier and safer than finding someone else. So, in my opinion, she is not the kind to just run out and sleep with someone. Maybe there is something else going on with Tinder. I won't worry about it for now.

 

A little more about her. She's married to her career. She lives it, wakes up to it, works it all day and evening, and weekends. She talks it, breathes it, loves it. She's top 1% in her company world wide in sales, at least last year she was. She is a well known public figure in her community.

 

She is not great at personal relationships, from what I noticed. She has a wall around her, and guards herself well. She's quiet and reserved about putting herself out there. She may have many people that she knows and that know her, but none of them appear to be real close. She doesn't have that girl friend that she hugs and gets all weird girly girl with and goes out for girls' nights. When I notice her meeting people in public, she mostly keeps talk business like. Her relationship with her daughter appears distant to me. Her daughter tends to want to spend more time with her dad.

 

Forgot to mention, (edited to add) her closest relationship seems to be her pets. She talks with them all the time, and they seem like her closest friends. Not to make her sound like a bad person. But maybe she's not fond of people. I've been there before.

 

She slowly warmed up to me. At first, "cuddling" was like my finger on her shoulder. Now it's much closer to cuddling, but not quite where I like it to be. She's very sexual in bed, but never speaks of it, even when we're in the bed. It's like this hush topic.

 

Maybe she's a little too cold for a long term relationship, but I'm enjoying what we have right now, so I'm not going to push anything. I'm just going to go with the flow. I'm going to be more secure, and enjoy what we have, and not think about what she might do. I'll give it some more time, just because I think that is what she needs.

 

I will definitely keep an eye on my own self as well. If it takes too long to get her really warmed up, or I feel like she never will, then I'll consider other options. I have no problem lining up a date, only problems finding one that I want to keep dating. Not to sound too cocky, but for 41, I still have my hair, my teeth, a career, a car, a place to live, and I'm healthy/fit. Oh, and I know the difference between you're and your. That goes a long way in my neighborhood ...

Edited July 14, 2017 by AGuyInCNY

[thefooloftheyear]

Didn't read the whole thread, but I see this often on here...

 

My only issue is why do people need to "shop around" or "keep options open" when dating someone??...I mean, just give the person a friggin chance at undivided attention, no??

 

I just don't get the thinking that you need some form of "declaration of exclusivity" or some set amount of time" needs to elapse...otherwise you are considered still on the market...

 

I have no real world experience in this area, but I would probably dump a woman over something like what the OP discovered..I certainly wouldn't have had the long discussion he did....I'd just vanish...poof....

 

TFY

[guest569]

Didn't read the whole thread, but I see this often on here...

 

My only issue is why do people need to "shop around" or "keep options open" when dating someone??...I mean, just give the person a friggin chance at undivided attention, no??

 

I just don't get the thinking that you need some form of "declaration of exclusivity" or some set amount of time" needs to elapse...otherwise you are considered still on the market...

 

I have no real world experience in this area, but I would probably dump a woman over something like what the OP discovered..I certainly wouldn't have had the long discussion he did....I'd just vanish...poof....

 

TFY

 

I agree.. "you didn't have an exclusivity talk so she owes you nothing". Well if that is her attitude then i would just bail too. After 2 months and meeting the family, she is still on the market. Not the sort of morals i would seek in a partner. I must be old fashioned.

 

A little background on her. She is not the type to sleep with anyone, so I don't think she is going to run out and sleep around just because she is on Tinder.

 

Is that all that matters? She just swipes right and finds other matches. Maybe chats, flirts, dates them.. as long as she doesn't sleep with them. It is not just about "soliciting dick" and I'm surprised that you've now convinced yourself that you are fine with it. Considering the dramatic text exchange you had with her.

 

So after two months of dating he catches her soliciting dick on Tinder ... No guy should be investing in a woman who's still playing the field after two months.

[SevenCity]

Didn't read the whole thread, but I see this often on here...

 

My only issue is why do people need to "shop around" or "keep options open" when dating someone??...I mean, just give the person a friggin chance at undivided attention, no??

 

I just don't get the thinking that you need some form of "declaration of exclusivity" or some set amount of time" needs to elapse...otherwise you are considered still on the market...

 

I have no real world experience in this area, but I would probably dump a woman over something like what the OP discovered..I certainly wouldn't have had the long discussion he did....I'd just vanish...poof....

 

TFY

 

I'm guilty of this. Why? Because most RLs fail.

 

I'm not actively looking but until I feel a sense of security and the desire to continue I'm not all in.

 

I've been burned one too many times to put my faith in a woman unless she REALLY earns it. Now I've got one foot out the door when I'm dating a girl because I know it can end at any time.

 

Not saying it's right, but giving you one explanation as to why.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm guilty of this. Why? Because most RLs fail.

 

I'm not actively looking but until I feel a sense of security and the desire to continue I'm not all in.

 

I've been burned one too many times to put my faith in a woman unless she REALLY earns it. Now I've got one foot out the door when I'm dating a girl because I know it can end at any time.

 

Not saying it's right, but giving you one explanation as to why.

 

I dunno...I can somewhat understand the logic, but still really don't get it..

 

I guess for someone like me, I wouldn't even waste any time with "maybe" people...If it's not there, then its not...If I have gotten to the point where I am even just talking to someone, then its a safe bet that there is some connection..I don't know what "earning" faith requires?? Like I said, if I am even talking to them, then they have earned my faith to some degree. but that's me..

 

And the thought that you have been burned is understandable, but then how would you feel if you really thought someone was potentially a great fit, but they dropped you because you had "one foot out the door"? That would suck, no? So I guess that knife can cut both ways..

 

I'm not judging anyone, but I guess this stuff just goes hand in hand with the whole casual aspect of dating/courting, the relative ease of accessibility , and the constant need for people to be stimulated or validated...It's a pretty foreign notion to me...

 

TFY

[viatori patuit]

I would be curious how people commenting here would handle that.

 

From what I have seen, a text exchange with some here that was quick and not well thought out could spell doom for a relationship with many here.

 

I am not saying that she is fine, but if you had invested time wouldn't someone want to know for sure? What would a face to face discussion hurt at this point?

[AGuyInCNY]

Y'all are crazy!

 

Every time we find someone, it's an opportunity to make something great. A chance to build something. If we give up at every little obstacle, then we'll never get what we want. These are just little bumps in the road. If you want something bad enough, you'll fight for it, through anything.

 

I choose to fight for this. I'm not going to allow every little obstacle tell me that I need to give up on a woman. I don't know what's going through her mind

and I'm not going to jump to the worst conclusions. You all can say what you want, but this is a fight I'm going to win, or at leat give everything I have trying. If I lose, I lose. But, damn, I learned in life that if there is something you want, you fight for it, even if I have to fight others to get it.

 

I listened to all of you, and thought about your advice, but in the end, it was my own insecurities that looked for help here. I've talked with her, and we are still getting along, the energy between us is still growing. And I feel kind of bad about sharing our conversation. I will probably delete this thread and catch up with you all in the future, and let you know how things panned out. I'm going to fight for this woman and gain her trust and love. That's my goal.

[Superchicken]

Get your head out of the clouds.

She has TINDER still on her phone.

TINDER is a hookup and dating App.

She's not deleting it, so she's still using it.

If your ok for your girl to swipe, and keep looking, fine, keep your head up there.

 

 

If your not happy she has it, and she is, then re install the app on your phone, and swipe as well.

Two can play those games.

If she has an issue with that, then address it.

Till then, you have all the suggestions you need.

Of course everyone is all over the place, because there's more than one way to skin a cat.

There's no right or wrong here from others suggestions.

Its whether YOU think its wrong to still have TINDER on her phone.

 

 

Don't shoot the messengers !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[AGuyInCNY]

You're right.

 

Thank you everybody for the combined assistance. Just like politics, I choose somewhere in the middle of all opinions.

[Zip Silver]

This entire response with the translations in the actual post might be the most spot on assessment ever posted on this site.

 

Every translation is pretty much how the woman (or anyone in the same position) will see the texts, even if OP doesn't recognize her perspective.

 

Agree 100%. That was a phenomenal post SevenCity. As a woman that's exactly how I'd read it.

[salparadise]

Yes SC, good transcription. I glossed over the last two-thirds of the exchange. This was a situation where OP should've used the power of words unspoken, the awkward silence. She knew getting caught red-handed like that put her on the spot, and he released the tension by saying too much. He gave away the power.

 

OP, I think you need to do a 180 on this woman. Firstly, this high wall stuff is for the birds. What it means is that she's emotionally stunted... you're in a perpetual state of trying to please and appease while she does virtually nothing as far as meeting your needs. Think about it –– you've found yourself in the position of almost apologizing for the imbalance. You confessed feelings and let her off the hook, while she's still swiping right. You need to back away to preserve what little dignity you have left... and maybe she'll get the message and come to you. Otherwise you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[AGuyInCNY]

Little update. We've been spending a lot of time together still. We haven't really discussed the incedent much. Basically, she wants a casual relationship. But if I decide to see someone else, then she will be upset, but can't hold me back. But she's open to the idea of making new friends, but she's not looking. So, everything she says is confusing. I like ketchup, but I put mayo on my burger ...

 

At this point, I can go either way. I'm over thinking she's the one, but if she comes around, I wouldn't mind her being the one. If that makes any sense to y'all.

 

So, it's her birthday weekend. I'm going to go ahead with my original plans, just because the company will be nice, and I enjoy what I have planned for us as much as she does.

 

Sometime during the weekend, I'm going to tell her flat out, that we either go exclusive, or I walk. I don't mind being casual, but open I can't handle. It's just not me. With as little time as she has outside of work, I feel I deserve what little attention she has left. I'll give her time to make the decision, but this is my final stand.

[Miss Spider]

She doesn't wanna be exclusive or just see you otherwise she wouldn't still be swiping guys on tonder. She is still fishing!!! Btw the message exchange you shared is very telling of a imbalance going on that does not bode well for this rship.. You came off very insecure and she was dismissive. She's just not that into you,, sorry

Edited July 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[AGuyInCNY]

I'm not retarded. I do get the feeling that I may be here just to fulfill her current needs until she finds someone else. That's why I'm going to say what I'm going to say. Either way, I had fun and had some good sex with a pretty hot woman.