She's still using Tinder

[AGuyInCNY]

Let me set up the background. I'm a 41 year old male, in sales, have 2 boys who live with me about 50% of the time. I live in upstate NY, mostly rural area. She is 38, a daughter who lives with her sometimes, she's in sales.

 

I'm a picky person when it comes to dating. First of all, I'm more of a city guy, stuck in very rural area. I don't drive a pick up, or go mudding, or listen to country music, which is what most of the girls in this area like. I'm college educated, drive European cars, drink craft beer, and wear nice clothes. Many of the females in this area are uneducated, unemployed, and wear their pajamas out in public. Plus, I like a woman who doesn't go to bars, doesn't do drugs, works a decent job, etc.

 

As far as finding a date, I usually have no problem. But finding a woman I want to go on a second date with, that's where I run into issues.

 

So, this current woman, we've been seeing each other about 2 months now. She introduced me to her family, she brought me out to introduce me to her old high school friends. We pretty much spend any time together when we don't have our kids, and sometimes when we do.

 

I started to think that maybe I should ask her if we're ready to define our relationship, picking up on queues such as her asking me to meet her parents. I'm going over to her rental, that she rents out to college students, to help her clean it up and do some work around the place. This is when I was going to ask her if she's ready to begin discussing our relationship. But pretty much as soon as I got there, I heard the Tinder notification. Threw me off at first, but then I looked at my phone, realized it wasn't me, then I remembered the sound. It was Tinder, when someone swipes right, and you match up. Which means that she had to actively swipe right. My heart stopped for a few minutes, and I almost packed up and left at the moment. But I stayed there, and finished helping her for the night.

 

When I left, I texted her. I guess I was too nervous to confront her in person. I know we weren't a couple yet, so I had no right to be mad, technically this isn't cheating yet, and it's only been a couple months. But her replies set me back a little, made me question. She was very defensive, and I attempted to be understanding and open.

 

Me: Should I worry about your Tinder notification?

 

Her: No silly

 

Me: You had to swipe right to get that notification. But we never discussed us, so I can't complain

 

Her: No need to get paranoid over nothing

 

Me: Not so much paranoid, more like I don't want to look like a fool. I'm trying to plan something for your birthday while you may or may not still be searching the market (which you have every right to, we never declared ourselves an item) but should I scale back any plans? I guess I'd rather know where you are than be blindsided

Me: We can talk later, I know you're tired.

 

Her: Nothing really to talk about. Happy the way things are right now. no need to make them complicated. Yes-app is on my phone. No-not looking for anything else right now. Geez

 

Next morning

 

Me: All good. I guess I need to slow myself down a little bit.

 

Her: Why does getting involved with anyone just end up being mind games and stress and tiptoeing around to ensure every single thing I do or say doesn't get somehow taken wrong or turned around to be somehow be personally offensive and overthought and a huge big deal? Everything really doesn't need to be that complicated.

 

Me: I'm not trying to play games. I told you before that I prefer honesty. I don't own you, I'm not married to you, you can use Tinder as much as you want. All I needed to know is whether we were on the same page or not. I deleted Tinder, you are still opening it up and swiping right. Obviously we are on different pages. Good to know.

Me: I'm tired of falling for people and getting hurt. I need to protect myself because I'm falling for you, hard!

Me: And if you tell me it's nothing, then I have to believe that it's nothing.

Me: I don't want to stop seeing you. And I'm not trying to play games.

Me: Now I know that I need to be better than any guy that swipes right on you. Keep me on my toes.

 

Her: And how do you know the tinder notification didn't finally result from a swipe months ago?

I've learned not to fall for people-just ends up in hurt and dissapointment. Is what it is.

 

Me: That could be true as well. It's up to you to be open and honest with me. And I can only trust what you tell me. I really don't want to disappoint you. And I feel like talking further about this will only look like I'm guilting you. I don't want that either. Just know that I still feel the same for you right now. Just a little hiccup that will fade away.

 

And that's pretty much the last we spoke of it. Been a few days. She still has the Tinder app, saw it on her phone.

 

First of all, I realize that I was quick to jump to conclusions and blame her. But the proof was right there. She never offered to delete the app, or really came out and said the story one way or another.

 

So, all I can do is assume that she is using it. If she wasn't, then she would delete the account. I want her to do this on her own. I don't want to guilt her into deleting it. I don't want to come across as controlling. She is a very independent woman.

 

At the same time, I'm going on dates with this woman, who is showing herself to be available on Tinder. Other people may notice her. If it was the first few dates, I'd understand. Plus, it shows we are not on the same page. I'm putting time and effort into this relationship, which makes me more emotionally attached. The more time and effort, the more I fall. I also feel like a casual relationship to her. Someone who she is comfortable with until she finds someone better for her. Then I'll be left with nothing but a broken heart. (which I'm used to, but trying to avoid)

 

What do you all think? Continue as normal? Back off a little, give her some space? Ask her to tell me if she is currently talking to other guys? This is beginning to create anxiety. Trying to stay away from anxiety. I do like her, a lot. We have a lot in common, and get along very well. And she is a fine woman.

Edited July 13, 2017 by AGuyInCNY

[ChatroomHero]

My initial thought reading this is you come off very needy and insecure and might have just poisoned the well with her.

 

You really want to know if she is serious, only about you, only seeing you and moving toward exclusivity...my experience is asking a woman about this straight up and in the wrong way...like out of the blue based on extensive evidence of hearing a tinder app sound go off...is straight up beaver repellent.

 

I think the more you try to explain the worse it will be for you. You pretty much accused her and then put her on the spot to define your relationship to satisfy your insecurity. If she talks to you again I would totally try to act like it never happened. If she mentions it, apologize, say you are human, and change the subject.

[CloudyHead]

THIS comment concerns me:

 

"Her: And how do you know the tinder notification didn't finally result from a swipe months ago?

I've learned not to fall for people-just ends up in hurt and disappointment. Is what it is."

 

She states that she's learned "not to fall for people". Isn't that a clue that she doesn't want anything exclusive?

[GunslingerRoland]

THIS comment concerns me:

 

"Her: And how do you know the tinder notification didn't finally result from a swipe months ago?

I've learned not to fall for people-just ends up in hurt and disappointment. Is what it is."

 

She states that she's learned "not to fall for people". Isn't that a clue that she doesn't want anything exclusive?

 

Two things struck me about that comment in particular... what you said but also. What is with that first sentence. Very defensive, but vague. Is she saying that she hasn't actively used tinder in a couple of months or is she trying to keep you guessing that she may not have used it, or she may still be using it.

 

For someone who doesn't like playing games I think she has you in the middle of one.

[guest569]

Two things struck me about that comment in particular... what you said but also. What is with that first sentence. Very defensive, but vague. Is she saying that she hasn't actively used tinder in a couple of months or is she trying to keep you guessing that she may not have used it, or she may still be using it.

 

For someone who doesn't like playing games I think she has you in the middle of one.

 

That struck me also. She didn't just state 'that was someone I swiped right on 2 months ago'.

 

The fact she is still on Tinder and that she refuses to fall for someone is a concern and indicates that you are definitely not on the same page. If she was serious and had respect for your feelings, she would delete the app.

[Dis]

Ugh.... I'm sorry OP

 

#1- I think you shouldve been a little more upfront with her about what YOU want. What you want is jst as important as what she wants. You were being too passive about this. It sounded like you were trying to appease her when clearly...she might not be the prize you thought she was

 

#2- Her response to you spoke volumes. Like you said, she got defensive, turned it around on you, saying you were being paranoid. I dont like the way she handled that convo at...all. She mentioned she doesnt like how men always percieve her behavior as hurtful. Well...maybe because she has a track record of hurting people?

 

Dont get me wrong. She owes nothing to you because you two havent had the exclusive talk but if I were you, after hearing her response...I'd be talking a longgggg walk in the other direction

 

You've seen her true colors. You know who she is and what she wants. Not only is she incompatible with you in terms of dating goals...but she kind of seems like jerk

 

Keep your chin up OP and move on

[SammySammy]

Seems a little needy and demanding to me. Especially since they've only known each other two months and don't have a commitment yet. This type of ... anxiety ... tends to drive people away.

[basil67]

On the topic of her being a bit aggressive with her response: Yes, this is what happens if we have an issue and go in on the attack. Now, AGuyinCNY does admit that he approached the problem the wrong way, so I think it would be fair to write off her response as having been triggered by his approach.

 

My advice would be to state that the conversation got off on the wrong foot and you'd like a do-over. Then have a conversation about what you'd like the relationship to be. If you approach it well but she's still vague, then walk away.

[kgcolonel]

Let's look at the best case situation:

 

Let's say she, on her own decides to delete the app....aren't you going to wonder what that chime was about and more so about her reaction when asked?

 

Right now, you're much more invested in the relationship and in her than she in you or the relationship.

 

The only way to equalize the investment is to step back. You're over driving the speakers into distortion metaphorically speaking.

 

Back off, don't tell her you're backing off, just allow days to go between contact and see if she realizes it and begins to pursue you. If she does, this is the balance she is seeking if she doesn't, then you know she enjoys free dinners and dates but that's the extent of it....BTW, this is based on the fact that you're mainly interested in exclusivity.

 

If you go a week and she doesn't initiate contact (physical contact as in asking to get together) re-establish your Tinder account and move on....stay away from the hot stove, it will burn you....

[Ruby Slippers]

My gosh, what is happening to modern love and relationships?

 

I swear, it's like people are ordering up lovers like a pizza. Don't like this one? Toss it and try a different flavor!

 

You've been seeing her for 2 months and haven't asked her to be exclusive and shown your intentions for something real and lasting? Maybe you think this is evolved and liberated. I think it sounds like a passive stance for a man.

 

Yes-app is on my phone. No-not looking for anything else right now.

Please. You don't have a hookup app running on your phone for nothing. She's keeping her options open. If someone better comes along, you're yesterday's news.

 

And she's expressed a very jaded attitude about love:

 

I've learned not to fall for people-just ends up in hurt and dissapointment.

 

You TEXTED HER that you're falling for her And the above is her answer.

 

It's pretty obvious that either you're more excited about this relationship than she is, or your attitudes about love are incompatible, or probably both.

 

I don't think this sounds very good for you, I'm sorry.

[clia]

I don't understand all this back and forth. If you want to be exclusive, why not just ask her? Two months is more than enough time. I agree with the above poster that this seems very passive.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I know that if I want to be exclusive, I make it clear and in person, not by text or phone or messaging. After two months you hadn't done that and you initiated your insecurity when you realized she was still on Tinder. I have to say that I don't blame her. It sounds like she's been hurt before and after 2-months she may have been waiting for something concrete from you.

 

Tell her that you would like to be exclusive NOW. That you would like her to stop using Tinder and focus on the relationship you two have. From that point, you will see what transpires.

[KBob]

I'm surprised nobody has commented on the having met family part. When I meet family it means the relationship is serious. If it wasn't, then why meet the family?

 

Am I alone in thinking this way?

[SevenCity]

If this girl cared about you, which after 2 months she should, her reply would have been something along the lines of:

 

"I completely forgot Tinder was on my phone. Of course I'm not looking! I'm happy with you!"

 

Instead, she said she doesn't want to fall for someone (i.e. :you) and did nothing to make you feel secure in the RL (i.e.: she doesn't care if you leave for someone else).

 

You, on the other hand, were a train wreck of insecurity and feminine energy. You were basically puking your feelings all over her and back peddling telling her your needs mean nothing. Very unattractive.

 

I would back off and keep your mouth shut. Or just dump her. And then consider moving downstate to NYC. You'll find a lot more women you like there.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm surprised nobody has commented on the having met family part. When I meet family it means the relationship is serious. If it wasn't, then why meet the family?

 

Am I alone in thinking this way?

 

Good point KBob. It seems to me that SHE is the one who entered into the more 'serious' phase of the relationship by introducing him to her family and friends. He did not reciprocate in a manner that would make HER feel more secure or confident.

[Mkn1010]

Regardless of this Tinder issue, it sounds like self-preservation is at the forefront of her mind, that is her priority over a relationship with you. I don't think this woman wants to be vulnerable. Do you know about her relationship history?

[AGuyInCNY]

OK, I know I handled the situation incorrectly. I let my emotions get the best of me. I had it in my mind to solidify us as a couple, and then I lost control when I heard the notification. I spent a year finding a woman of this degree.

 

So, yeah, I came off as needy and insecure. Normally, I would have just given a thumbs up emoticon, and carry on. But what's done is done.

 

I'm more interested in what to do now. I'm not as needy as I seem there. Think of my anxiety as more of not knowing what's going on. Drives me nuts. I guess I messed up by not asking what she wants out of a relationship from the beginning. If she would have said casual or FWB, I would have treated it that way. But I treated it as a relationship. Now I'm not sure what to do. I could even go to FWB casual relationship at this time. If I know that's what it is. If she's using me for company and sex, then I'm sure I could do the same. Then I could spend the next year looking for another woman while she might be doing the same thing.

 

But do I back off as some of you say, and see what she does? Or do I ask? But won't anything I ask now look like it's coming from the Tinder situation? How much time do I let go after that mess?

 

In the end, I want an open and honest relationship with someone. I'm afraid she may not be the one who can be open and honest. I'm 41, tired of dating.

[ChatroomHero]

You say you are 41, tired of dating, want to know where you stand, not knowing bothers you...you say you are not really that insecure but all of that points to being pretty insecure if you ask me. That's OK, it's human, but a turn off.

I would guess your experience makes you less than easily trusting which is understandable, but you have to be able to trust without really knowing. You have to be able to have fun knowing you might not be on firm ground yet, or else it will come off as needy and insecure. Basically, if she feels you don't trust her and she is being trustworthy, she will run. You asked her straight-up if you can trust her and she said yes, she wasn't actively working tinder, and you didn't trust her.

I would say just chill out and think about today and not tomorrow. If you have a fun date, don't ruin by wondering if she is seeing someone else, if she will go on tinder, etc. Easier said than done, bit if it is eating yet u up inside it will show in your interaction. If you are casual, loose, fun, trusting you risk being hurt but you will also be fun and easy to be around and have a better chance with her.

Maybe don't judge and interact with her based on past interactions with other women. I may be way off, bit that's my take.

[Purepony]

You didn't seem needy! You expressed yourself why should tht have a label... you didn't make her choose or push anything.

 

I would say you handled it accordingly to the way it was presented She on the other hand should have been more considerate of your feelings and your time ... you took the time to Voice a legitimate concern.

 

Don't beat yourself up because it's better this comes up now that later.

 

I'm sure you'll find someone better if she decided to walk away

[viatori patuit]

Been there, done that.

 

Being emotionally invested in a person means you are willing to accep that they can hurt you. There is no way I have found that I can emotionally invest in someone while protecting myself.

 

Usually when a romantic situation goes sideways for me I have two options.

 

1. Sit in the mud wallowing in self pity.

2. Do the next right thing.

 

I would suggest you do the next right thing. I would move on with my life and plan a vacation or something. All of this worrying is just going to drive you mad. Sure you can still see her. Stop worrying about her reactions though. Don't analyze the situation looking for things that are not there. Just go with it.

 

An old axiom someone told me comes to mind:

 

You can act yourself into right thinking much quicker than you can think yourself into right acting.

[coolheadal]

Let me set up the background. I'm a 41 year old male, in sales, have 2 boys who live with me about 50% of the time. I live in upstate NY, mostly rural area. She is 38, a daughter who lives with her sometimes, she's in sales.

 

I'm a picky person when it comes to dating. First of all, I'm more of a city guy, stuck in very rural area. I don't drive a pick up, or go mudding, or listen to country music, which is what most of the girls in this area like. I'm college educated, drive European cars, drink craft beer, and wear nice clothes. Many of the females in this area are uneducated, unemployed, and wear their pajamas out in public. Plus, I like a woman who doesn't go to bars, doesn't do drugs, works a decent job, etc.

 

As far as finding a date, I usually have no problem. But finding a woman I want to go on a second date with, that's where I run into issues.

 

So, this current woman, we've been seeing each other about 2 months now. She introduced me to her family, she brought me out to introduce me to her old high school friends. We pretty much spend any time together when we don't have our kids, and sometimes when we do.

 

I started to think that maybe I should ask her if we're ready to define our relationship, picking up on queues such as her asking me to meet her parents. I'm going over to her rental, that she rents out to college students, to help her clean it up and do some work around the place. This is when I was going to ask her if she's ready to begin discussing our relationship. But pretty much as soon as I got there, I heard the Tinder notification. Threw me off at first, but then I looked at my phone, realized it wasn't me, then I remembered the sound. It was Tinder, when someone swipes right, and you match up. Which means that she had to actively swipe right. My heart stopped for a few minutes, and I almost packed up and left at the moment. But I stayed there, and finished helping her for the night.

 

When I left, I texted her. I guess I was too nervous to confront her in person. I know we weren't a couple yet, so I had no right to be mad, technically this isn't cheating yet, and it's only been a couple months. But her replies set me back a little, made me question. She was very defensive, and I attempted to be understanding and open.

 

Me: Should I worry about your Tinder notification?

 

Her: No silly

 

Me: You had to swipe right to get that notification. But we never discussed us, so I can't complain

 

Her: No need to get paranoid over nothing

 

Me: Not so much paranoid, more like I don't want to look like a fool. I'm trying to plan something for your birthday while you may or may not still be searching the market (which you have every right to, we never declared ourselves an item) but should I scale back any plans? I guess I'd rather know where you are than be blindsided

Me: We can talk later, I know you're tired.

 

Her: Nothing really to talk about. Happy the way things are right now. no need to make them complicated. Yes-app is on my phone. No-not looking for anything else right now. Geez

 

Next morning

 

Me: All good. I guess I need to slow myself down a little bit.

 

Her: Why does getting involved with anyone just end up being mind games and stress and tiptoeing around to ensure every single thing I do or say doesn't get somehow taken wrong or turned around to be somehow be personally offensive and overthought and a huge big deal? Everything really doesn't need to be that complicated.

 

Me: I'm not trying to play games. I told you before that I prefer honesty. I don't own you, I'm not married to you, you can use Tinder as much as you want. All I needed to know is whether we were on the same page or not. I deleted Tinder, you are still opening it up and swiping right. Obviously we are on different pages. Good to know.

Me: I'm tired of falling for people and getting hurt. I need to protect myself because I'm falling for you, hard!

Me: And if you tell me it's nothing, then I have to believe that it's nothing.

Me: I don't want to stop seeing you. And I'm not trying to play games.

Me: Now I know that I need to be better than any guy that swipes right on you. Keep me on my toes.

 

Her: And how do you know the tinder notification didn't finally result from a swipe months ago?

I've learned not to fall for people-just ends up in hurt and dissapointment. Is what it is.

 

Me: That could be true as well. It's up to you to be open and honest with me. And I can only trust what you tell me. I really don't want to disappoint you. And I feel like talking further about this will only look like I'm guilting you. I don't want that either. Just know that I still feel the same for you right now. Just a little hiccup that will fade away.

 

And that's pretty much the last we spoke of it. Been a few days. She still has the Tinder app, saw it on her phone.

 

First of all, I realize that I was quick to jump to conclusions and blame her. But the proof was right there. She never offered to delete the app, or really came out and said the story one way or another.

 

So, all I can do is assume that she is using it. If she wasn't, then she would delete the account. I want her to do this on her own. I don't want to guilt her into deleting it. I don't want to come across as controlling. She is a very independent woman.

 

At the same time, I'm going on dates with this woman, who is showing herself to be available on Tinder. Other people may notice her. If it was the first few dates, I'd understand. Plus, it shows we are not on the same page. I'm putting time and effort into this relationship, which makes me more emotionally attached. The more time and effort, the more I fall. I also feel like a casual relationship to her. Someone who she is comfortable with until she finds someone better for her. Then I'll be left with nothing but a broken heart. (which I'm used to, but trying to avoid)

 

What do you all think? Continue as normal? Back off a little, give her some space? Ask her to tell me if she is currently talking to other guys? This is beginning to create anxiety. Trying to stay away from anxiety. I do like her, a lot. We have a lot in common, and get along very well. And she is a fine woman.

 

You need to back off her and let her be. She is open to do what she wants to do. You have no rights over her. She has Tinder so what you should have kept your Tinder app on you phone. You and her are just friends and something else. Nothing serious. You have lost it again emotionally has Ego man you showing weakness scared an etc. This makes you look foolish in her eyes. Should have kept you mouth closed and your fingers in your pocket. Now you open up a can of worms and you have to live not knowing. Then you should swipe to the right and go out with the local hicks then because you choose to live there you have to be with those sort of woman. Don't knock them be okay with them otherwise moved back to the hardcore city life woman. You are from that world this other world is a lot different. You want to control this woman but she won't let you do that. Don't text her for now and see if she contacts you if she doesn't move on. But leave her be for now. Before you cause more trouble than you have already express to us here. My GOD what got into you! It's called Jealously of Love but you two are not their yet.. Shame on you! Now you have to see where you everything ends up?

[TheWoman]

You both handled it quite badly IMHO. Relationships tend to be a mirror like that. You went in needy and insecure and she responded avoidant and flighty. Frame your desires positively and confidently and you will get a different response. Chill out and next time you see her say something like this:

 

I think we're good together and I want us to just see each other, and see how that goes. What do you think? But if you'd prefer to stay casual and date others too let me know and I'll consider it.

 

Then you'll know, and you can decide. End of, no need for drama.

Clear consistent positive communication, works wonders

[Usename12]

This is why I keep my phone on vibrate.

 

Oh, and that text exchange was super cringe-worthy all around. I know it's sometimes easier to write to someone than talk but I always treat texts as light hearted or informational only.

 

I'd say let things cool off for just a bit and then you will have to have that talk about what you're looking for. It kind of got forced on you anyway so that cat is out of the bag. If you're not in sync that could indicate you both don't have the same goals and/or values.

[grays]

Do you really want to be with her? She sounds awful. If a guy cared about came at me like that, Id be a million times more understanding and want for them to feel better, even if i wasnt looking for a committed thing with them. Shes just not nice.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Do you really want to be with her? She sounds awful. If a guy cared about came at me like that, Id be a million times more understanding and want for them to feel better, even if i wasnt looking for a committed thing with them. Shes just not nice.

 

Based on the text exchanges, I could see how some would believe that she was 'awful.' BUT...I also read it as being defensive as she was deflecting accusations. I go back to my post earlier. I can imagine how she would be thinking about this relationship that she does not feel is solid or committed. The distance, the lack of effort by the OP to seal the deal and her past are all important factors to her response. Again, his approach would easily have put many people in a defensive mode considering...