smile95 Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 I had posted this in another thread, but wanted to know something from some of you...... I have done a lot of thinking today. More than usual. I am sadly finding out that I think what I had with my ex was more chemistry than love. I did love him, but when I sat down and tried to figure out what it was I would miss, it was the connection we had and the chemistry. Not the way he treated me or things he did for me,etc. COuld I have mistaken chemisry for love? And is chemistry something that can be found with more than one person in life? I am trying to figure out why I feel that I need him in my life. I keep saying, "if only we were friends". I know we tried that and it failed. he was hardly a bf and why would I want him as a friend. I guess I need to remember all the crap I have been thru and see that the chemistry is not worth it. I guess I have a hard time knowing that someone is mad at me. Or losing someone in my life who has been in it. I am clinging to anything right now. If I think rationally, Ia m fine. If I think with my heart and how I had so much fun with him, I am a mess. Has anyone broken up with someone who you had wonderful chemistry and a lot in common, but had to end it becasue it just did not work out?
Outcast Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 COuld I have mistaken chemisry for love? For sure. And is chemistry something that can be found with more than one person in life? Definitely. 'Chemistry' is actually biology - the urge to merge and have offspring emerge. It means nothing, actually, in terms of whether or not you love someone. You can have 'chemistry' with people who are the worst possible people for you. I am trying to figure out why I feel that I need him in my life. I keep saying, "if only we were friends". YOu are still addicted to the chemistry. It takes several months to wear off. Think of it like any other addiction. You have to go cold turkey and actively turn yourself off the thing you're addicted to.
bhsunny21 Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 I guess I need to remember all the crap I have been thru and see that the chemistry is not worth it. I guess I have a hard time knowing that someone is mad at me. Or losing someone in my life who has been in it. I am clinging to anything right now. If I think rationally, Ia m fine. If I think with my heart and how I had so much fun with him, I am a mess. Has anyone broken up with someone who you had wonderful chemistry and a lot in common, but had to end it becasue it just did not work out? I can relate with you on this completely. My ex told me that he loved me as a person, that I was his best friend and completely attracted to me, but that there was something missing from us. Of course, that killed me! We had so much fun together, made each other laugh, had a great physical relationship, but it still wasnt enough. It has been hard for me and I am dealing...but it will be a slow process. I am taking this time to see if I was in love with him or in lust with him. If I am really upset because *he* is not in my life anymore or that *someone* isn't in my life anymore. Of course I will always miss him, because he was my best friend and now that is gone. But, like you, I am trying to think rationally. I guess I am sort of rambling now, but I just wanted to post since I have had a relationship end because chemistry was not enough. Good luck with your coping. Stay strong!
Merin Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 I had mad, crazy chemistry with my EXBF... HOWEVER The relationship was toxic, obsessive and ugly pretty much from start to finish. There is zero that I miss about HIM as a PERSON and how he behaved, and really there is zero that I miss about the person I was with him... The Sexual attraction and Chemistry between us was amazing, and I'm certain that is the biggest reason I stayed with him as long as I did... however a deep love for someone else IMO is not the same thing as sexual attraction and chemistry. It's an amazing thing to find both Chemistry AND Love with someone. AND for the record, I also believe that YES you can and will find Chemistry with more than one person.
Author smile95 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 Thanks Merin.......... I do love him, but the chemistry is what held me for so long and why I put up with a lot....Good to know that you think chemistry can be found with others!
Merin Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Thanks Merin.......... I do love him, but the chemistry is what held me for so long and why I put up with a lot....Good to know that you think chemistry can be found with others! You're Welcome Girly I loved my EXBF as well... but again, it was an obsessive relationship we had. Breaking things off with him was VERY HARD on me and like your relationship with your Guy, we (my EXBF and I) had ended the relationship more than once... When I finally made the decision that the last time would be for good, it was very hard but I knew things would never be any better than what they had been, and it made it harder that he promised to change this, that, the other... I really felt I would never find someone again that I had amazing chemistry with the way I did with him... but viola' LOL I met my currant BF and found that chemistry with him AND also found that I really love the person he is, and the person I am... Nothing is ever perfect, BUT I know You WILL find someone amazing, that KNOWS the same of you and eventually look back on your relationship with your EXBF and know the difference in a peaceful relationship minus all the drama... Hope you're looking up today Girl... Hang in there
Author smile95 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 thanks! I love hearing stories like that....it gives me so much hope. I know that things would never change with him, so this time, I have to accept this and do my best to move on. I do miss him, but everyone says that will fade. I almost broke down today and called, but I talked myself out of it knowing that nothing good would come of it. When you ended things for good, did you leave or did he? How did you not go back to him again if you had before? I would LOOOOVE to be in a drama free relationship! I cannot wait for that! 3 weeks today that we talked last and still going!
Merin Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 When you ended things for good, did you leave or did he? How did you not go back to him again if you had before? I would LOOOOVE to be in a drama free relationship! I cannot wait for that! When things finally ended for good between the 2 of us it was Me who made that decision... BUT I have to tell you that he was a big assclown for weeks leading up to that... I put up with so much crap from him for almost 2 years and it was typically him who made threats to me in ending the relationship prior to things finally ending by my choice. Once I ended the relationship he continued to call me and text message me and although it killed me to not respond, I held my ground even if it meant turning off my phone, or leaving it at home while I went on about life. Shortly after we broke up I met my currant BF... he was 110% different than my EXBF so yeah LOL that helped a hell of a lot in not taking up again with my EXBF... but it was/is one of those things I guess... I had known for over a year that our relationship wasn't healthy and it was drama driven, so in so many ways I had already seperated myself from him and things long before I made the final decision to end things... does that make sense? I suppose leaving things on my own terms helped a lot in my emotional well being.... Drama free relationships... LOL yay for those!
New_Wife Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Not only is it possible to feel that way about more than one person, it's possible to have different types of chemistry with different people. With my Ex, it was hot. Hot hot hot. So much so that he had to spread it around and burn a lot of people. When we split, I missed the sex a lot. Like Merin, there wasn't really a single quality about him as a person I missed. In fact, he was quite a dolt. But wow, good sex can wrap the brain up in some funny ways. With my hubby, the sex started out good, but as our relationship and friendship evolved, it turned smokin' hot. Nowadays, he can give me a certain look and I know I'm in for a scortcher of a night. Hang in there. Despite Hallmark & Harlequin, there are a lot of potential partners out there that will make your little tummy turn in circles.
Author smile95 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 thanks. Makes me realize I am doing the right thing by walking away for good. I guess I would rather have a great caring and loving husband for man many yrs than be miseable emotioanlly and just have good chemistry.
New_Wife Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Oh honey, you can have both. A great and caring husband is also one who wants to learn what makes you holler horizontally. (or vertically, if that's your brand of kink) My husband takes great pride in the fact that he knows every last button on me and how to push it. That's not chemistry, that's care and attentiveness. But I tell you what - it creates some chemistry for certain!
JS17 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I am sadly finding out that I think what I had with my ex was more chemistry than love. I did love him, but when I sat down and tried to figure out what it was I would miss, it was the connection we had and the chemistry. Not the way he treated me or things he did for me,etc. COuld I have mistaken chemisry for love? And is chemistry something that can be found with more than one person in life? I am trying to figure out why I feel that I need him in my life. I keep saying, "if only we were friends". I know we tried that and it failed. he was hardly a bf and why would I want him as a friend. I guess I need to remember all the crap I have been thru and see that the chemistry is not worth it. I guess I have a hard time knowing that someone is mad at me. Or losing someone in my life who has been in it. I am clinging to anything right now. If I think rationally, Ia m fine. If I think with my heart and how I had so much fun with him, I am a mess. Has anyone broken up with someone who you had wonderful chemistry and a lot in common, but had to end it becasue it just did not work out? ditto. did all of that. i still believe that i loved him but i'm able to differentiate between good and bad love. i loved him but he was very bad for me. we had everything in common on the surface and he could meet very few of my needs. i think he was a pretty bad person and i realize that although we were friends first, i would really no longer want him as a friend because, well, he wasn't nice to me as a girlfriend, why would he be nice to me again as a friend? i have a hard time knowing that someone is mad at me too and losing people in my life, i have a hard time letting go. it's hard but you have to do it. i'm still working out the kinks and trying to figure out how to have a healthy relationship again as the ones since haven't been. i haven't spoken to him in about 5 months and neither he nor his girlfriend care so why put myself through that? I've never had chemistry like that (eventhough the sex was awful) with anyone and i doubt i'll ever have it again. I've also never have had anyone treat me so poorly. I'd give up strong chemistry for someone who cares about me and treats me well any day. i read once that a woman has to have one love she can still see herself going back to and one she's happy to say that he's gone. it sounds to me like you have the second. when all of this gets to me i try to think of the first and try to remind myself that it exists and it's the only thing that will allow me to trust again.
alphamale Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Has anyone broken up with someone who you had wonderful chemistry and a lot in common, but had to end it becasue it just did not work out? I think many folks go thru this. When you have that crazy, insane, passionate chemistry with someone it is hard to resist. This does not mean you love them. You may love the chemistry and the feelings it exudes. The roller coaster ups and downs. I think that true love that's real and heart-felt is a slow burning ember without the craziness. Theres a difference. You need chemistry to have love but you cannot have love without chemistry. And there are just as many types of chemistry as there are love.
Author smile95 Posted August 13, 2005 Author Posted August 13, 2005 JS17 It has been 5 months for you? So can yousay that you feel any better? My problems is keeping busy.......I sit and think about him and drive myslef crazy! Instead of ignoring me, I wish he would have just ended it in words. When he does it this way, he makes me hold onto hope.
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale I think many folks go thru this. When you have that crazy, insane, passionate chemistry with someone it is hard to resist. This does not mean you love them. You may love the chemistry and the feelings it exudes. The roller coaster ups and downs. I think that true love that's real and heart-felt is a slow burning ember without the craziness. Theres a difference. You need chemistry to have love but you cannot have love without chemistry. And there are just as many types of chemistry as there are love. Nicely put Alpha! I agree 100%. I think we've all been in relationships of some sort that are just like that, the rollercoaster! It is fun and exciting, and most would probably say the sex was the best and very passionate - But the drama and pure emotional exhaustion isn't worth it. Sucks the energy and life outta ya. Atleast in my experience anyway.
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