anne93 Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 Hi. I'm new member here and english is not my mother language,sorry if i write wrong.. This is going to be a long story. If u are reading this,thank you so much.. I've dated with my bf for 4 years.I'm 24 he's 25. When we first met (i was 19 he was 20), i was in a heartbreaking situation which an idiot ex dumped me and made me feel so small. I was unhappy, i was still hoping that he would come back to me one day. Anyway, we met my boyfriend via FB. We were in the same college and he added me as a friend. Don't judge me but when u just met a new person and u gave her/him a first look and thought "oh i he's so handsome/my type, i must date him" or "he's cute but not my type" (u got me) yeah when i opened his page on fb i thought "he's cute, it looks like we can communicate so well our tastes look same etc. but he's not the guy that i dreamt of (he's kinda short 5'7ish only a 1-2 cm taller than me. I like guys taller..) u know i felt that if i dated him i would feel the "settler one" in this relationship so i decided to become good friends with him and accept his friend request. I told him that i dont want a relationship we can be friends with him so he agreed with me and we become very good friends in that year. I didnt want to go school, i didnt want to met with my other friends and all i wanted was spending my time with him. It was ok with me even if we just dont talk but sit next to each other. I began to feel like i had a crush on him.. Then one day, i couldn't resist my desire to kiss him,then it came more and we were like best friends but in the mean time..(u know what i mean) I couldn't say ok lets be lovers bc i know deep inside i know if u wanted to date with him u would just date him in the beginning.. In the end we decided to turn this in to a relationship because it was pointless, it was no different from a relationship. Then i had my best 4 years with him, playing video games, watching series and films, had the best conversations with him and sex was good. But deep down i always knew something was missing in me. I admired his personality and his mind, but since we started something as a friends, there was no spark for me. I loved him and care about him more than anything. But u know i always felt like he loves me more than i love him.. And also, when i was with handsome or cool guys i was getting excited and want them to feel the same about me. But that's all. I never cheated on him i would never do that. In fact i never cheated anybody it's not my thing. But i felt guilt always that why do i find other people attractive?? Why do i obsess my bf height? Why do i dont feel any butterflies in my stomach? Why do i feel so SCARED when i think about a marriage with him.. When i was in college, when we sleep together( now we both came back to our parents home, but we are in the same city again) i've always thought god if we had a house in the forest, had internet and laptop and some food, i would stay with him forever in there.. If I can think like that than why would 'marrying' scare me?? In the end, i feel like i must made a decision. A) I would marry that guy B) I would break up with him. So i break up with him it was devastating for both of us.. I cried he cried.. I feel bad for days couldnt eat couldnt breathe. I lost pounds and always feeling bad about him,our relationship.. I lost my boyfriend AND MY BEST FRIEND. He said he won't give up on me and lose the woman he love like that. I always read forums on internet and try to be sure if i love him or not.. I feel like i have that GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) and i want to get over it. I know no one would love me as he did and i cant be happy with anyone as i am with him. We're separeted now but he's kinda waiting for me and said he'll give me enough time and space to think about it and make my final decision. What sould i do?? Thank you so much if you read this till here...
Maldives Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 (edited) Hi. I'm new member here and english is not my mother language,sorry if i write wrong.. This is going to be a long story. If u are reading this,thank you so much.. I've dated with my bf for 4 years.I'm 24 he's 25. When we first met (i was 19 he was 20), i was in a heartbreaking situation which an idiot ex dumped me and made me feel so small. I was unhappy, i was still hoping that he would come back to me one day. Anyway, we met my boyfriend via FB. We were in the same college and he added me as a friend. Don't judge me but when u just met a new person and u gave her/him a first look and thought "oh i he's so handsome/my type, i must date him" or "he's cute but not my type" (u got me) yeah when i opened his page on fb i thought "he's cute, it looks like we can communicate so well our tastes look same etc. but he's not the guy that i dreamt of (he's kinda short 5'7ish only a 1-2 cm taller than me. I like guys taller..) u know i felt that if i dated him i would feel the "settler one" in this relationship so i decided to become good friends with him and accept his friend request. I told him that i dont want a relationship we can be friends with him so he agreed with me and we become very good friends in that year. I didnt want to go school, i didnt want to met with my other friends and all i wanted was spending my time with him. It was ok with me even if we just dont talk but sit next to each other. I began to feel like i had a crush on him.. Then one day, i couldn't resist my desire to kiss him,then it came more and we were like best friends but in the mean time..(u know what i mean) I couldn't say ok lets be lovers bc i know deep inside i know if u wanted to date with him u would just date him in the beginning.. In the end we decided to turn this in to a relationship because it was pointless, it was no different from a relationship. Then i had my best 4 years with him, playing video games, watching series and films, had the best conversations with him and sex was good. But deep down i always knew something was missing in me. I admired his personality and his mind, but since we started something as a friends, there was no spark for me. I loved him and care about him more than anything. But u know i always felt like he loves me more than i love him.. And also, when i was with handsome or cool guys i was getting excited and want them to feel the same about me. But that's all. I never cheated on him i would never do that. In fact i never cheated anybody it's not my thing. But i felt guilt always that why do i find other people attractive?? Why do i obsess my bf height? Why do i dont feel any butterflies in my stomach? Why do i feel so SCARED when i think about a marriage with him.. When i was in college, when we sleep together( now we both came back to our parents home, but we are in the same city again) i've always thought god if we had a house in the forest, had internet and laptop and some food, i would stay with him forever in there.. If I can think like that than why would 'marrying' scare me?? In the end, i feel like i must made a decision. A) I would marry that guy B) I would break up with him. So i break up with him it was devastating for both of us.. I cried he cried.. I feel bad for days couldnt eat couldnt breathe. I lost pounds and always feeling bad about him,our relationship.. I lost my boyfriend AND MY BEST FRIEND. He said he won't give up on me and lose the woman he love like that. I always read forums on internet and try to be sure if i love him or not.. I feel like i have that GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) and i want to get over it. I know no one would love me as he did and i cant be happy with anyone as i am with him. We're separeted now but he's kinda waiting for me and said he'll give me enough time and space to think about it and make my final decision. What sould i do?? Thank you so much if you read this till here... Hey there. I would say u broke up for a reason so somethings missing and it's attraction. Attractions important. I tried wth a girl for a few mthson three occasions I mean in my life there's been 3 woman I wasn't attracted to and the sparks not there i know the difference attractions important aint gonna change ur call tho. Think not into him those sayings make sense? Altho 4 yrs is a long time to hang around only to figure it out now usually it's withinn the start of the relationship Edited July 13, 2017 by Goodguy05
Author anne93 Posted July 13, 2017 Author Posted July 13, 2017 Hey there. I would say u broke up for a reason so somethings missing and it's attraction. Attractions important. I tried wth a girl for a few mthson three occasions I mean in my life there's been 3 woman I wasn't attracted to and the sparks not there i know the difference attractions important aint gonna change ur call tho. Think not into him those sayings make sense? Altho 4 yrs is a long time to hang around only to figure it out now usually it's withinn the start of the relationship Hi, thank you for answering. Yes attraction is important and he's not the most handsome guy in the world but i also think he's not ugly? I found his face very cute my doubts were about his height... And i began something with him because more i began to know him, i adore his personality. I admire his knowledge, his personality, his attitude against me.. they pulled me to him.. he's the best boyfriend i've ever dated..
BryanSmiley Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 Personally I don't think it takes 4 years of regularly being attracted enough to be exclusive, dedicated, and intimate with someone to suddenly decide they aren't psychically attractive enough. These things are initial attraction and for women more so - the emotional spark and connection etc. drives the passion. I'd suggest your looking in the wrong direction to suddenly blame his physical body. There's an emotional, passionate connection that's either never been there or more than likely - faded as it often does. The difficult trick is re-igniting it. Maybe you can, maybe you can't. But I'd say this is where the truer reasoning's are.
Author anne93 Posted July 13, 2017 Author Posted July 13, 2017 (edited) Personally I don't think it takes 4 years of regularly being attracted enough to be exclusive, dedicated, and intimate with someone to suddenly decide they aren't psychically attractive enough. These things are initial attraction and for women more so - the emotional spark and connection etc. drives the passion. I'd suggest your looking in the wrong direction to suddenly blame his physical body. There's an emotional, passionate connection that's either never been there or more than likely - faded as it often does. The difficult trick is re-igniting it. Maybe you can, maybe you can't. But I'd say this is where the truer reasoning's are. Thanks for answering. Yes, i feel like we've always be the bestfriends who understand each other well, enjoy, care, love eachother as well. But he says im the one for him, i cant feel the same way i pray God everyday, to make this situation more easy for both of us. I can't get over these doubts. I feel like people who marry, got no doubts for their partners.. my parents say if u have doubts, than he's not right for you, it's over.. I can't get over the guilt. I feel like a criminal that stabbed her boyfriend in his back and a cruel who burns all good memories... I cry all the time for 10 days till today.. Edited July 13, 2017 by anne93
BryanSmiley Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 Thanks for answering. Yes, i feel like we've always be the bestfriends who understand each other well, enjoy, care, love eachother as well. But he says im the one for him, i cant feel the same way i pray God everyday, to make this situation more easy for both of us. I can't get over these doubts. I feel like people who marry, got no doubts for their partners.. my parents say if u have doubts, than he's not right for you, it's over.. I can't get over the guilt. I feel like a criminal that stabbed her boyfriend in his back and a cruel who burns all good memories... I cry all the time for 10 days till today.. Well don't beat yourself up too much, it's clear you are trying to be considerate and thoughtful, do what's best for both. I get the thing with doubts, I do. But then you ask many other couples of years whether they are 100% doubtless and loving of their partner every day - I think a realist answers no. The trick is being mature enough to assess on balance whether you get more good than bad and are happy. Now this may or may not be at play in your situation. You have and will go on to then have doubts as to whether you should have left him, but will gradually make peace with the decision. Doubts can be pretty valid and based on sound concerns, or they can be us growing, drifting, and our minds worrying, wandering, being paranoid, negative, critical. It's not as easy as doubts = leave. I think this was largely young love and you've drifted and aren't actually ready to commit long term. Dare I say you want to play the field and think the grass might be greener? I wish you well, don't beat yourself up.
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