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normal for a GF to sleep in bed with female housemates when bf lives upstairs?

Pringle123

By Pringle123
in General Relationship Discussion

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Pringle123 New Member

Pringle123

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Hi, i'm a 25 year old living with my 24 year old gf. We share a room in a 4 bedroom shared house, with three other female housemates (all 22).

 

I've been having issues with her spending an increasing amount of time with the housemates instead of me over the last 3 months, and we rarely get alone time.

 

Anyway, one of the housemates was about to leave the country, on her last night, they all drunk cocktails, sang destiny's child, had dinner and had a good send off for my housemate - but at the end of the night, my gf comes into my room, and says she's going to sleep in bed with two of the female housemates - because it's her last night.

 

I immediately expressed that i was kind of uncomfortable with it. I was literally waiting in our room upstairs, and I wanted to know why sleeping in the same bed was necessary - she ignored my opinion and left before i could press the issue. She came back to my room at 730am the next day and said sorry, and that i didn't understand - maybe because 'i don't have sisters'. And she's right, i don't have sisters and don't have a lot of previous experience living with girls.

 

My argument was that they are not her sisters - she's known them for 4 months, and dated me for 1.5 years - we live abroad, and so i will have been their way before and long after the other housemates have left - so it hurts a little she chose them over me (or at-least that's how i took it) , and it also hurts she didn't seem to care i was uncomfortable with it.

 

Is this normal? Is she right?

 

I suppose my opinion is that yes, if you're friend is leaving spend all the evening with her, take her for dinner, go for drinks, get drunk and sing along to songs, go to the airport, hug goodbye etc - but it just seems to be a bit excessive to leave the room she shares with her bf to sleep in the same bed as two other female housemates? We all live in the same house, and I was literally upstairs... I could understand it if I wasn't there, or they were in a hotel and wanted to save money.. etc.

 

Welcome opinions on this, thanks in advance.

Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

Posted
Posted

Is it normal? Flip it around: Your male bud is leaving for the Honduras tomorrow so you tell your girlfriend that you are going to be sleeping with him tonight. She, of course, wont understand because it's a 'guy thing'... don't all men sleep together before they leave where she comes from? NO. It is not normal, unless you are living inside a porn movie. And, they didn't invite you... I would have a MAJOR problem with what she did. Probably enough to break up with her over ... dude, she doesn't need you. She gets her needs met by other girls. What does that tell you about her? Think carefully before you further commit to this gal... else you will find yourself getting squeezed out more and more often, for increasingly trivial reasons...:mad:

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Pringle123 New Member

Pringle123

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I used that exact example - she just said 'it's different for guys' - and for me, it does seem that way - i'd never think of doing that with a guy friend if my girlfriend was upstairs. It wouldn't even enter my mind. But there is a lot more stigma attached to that than girls sleeping in the same bed..and apparently she used to do it with her sisters all the time?

 

Edit -she also said that if 'you really want to do that with a male friend, you're welcome to'. Which i felt was beside the point - she knows i would never even consider that, and just because she's ok with me doing that- does it mean I have to be okay with her doing it with female friends?

 

Further Edit - just to clarify - they were sleeping in the same bed - not 'sleeping together' and the connotations that that term is associated with. Original response seems to be aligning to the latter...

Edited by Pringle123
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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While it's not something that I'd likely do, I don't see it as being 'abnormal'.

 

My hubby may not leave me alone upstairs to climb in bed with his mates, but he'd certainly leave me upstairs to drink with his mates. I wish he'd come up to be with me, but it's not worth getting upset over. I think it's a fair comparison.

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Women have different friendships than men. Women can sleep side by side without it being sexual. Your girlfriend is young, it's not something a 40 year old woman would do but a young woman yes. They wanted to all sleep in the same bed to chit chat all night.

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somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

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Posted

Slumber party. It is kind of a thing, with young women sometimes.

 

Is it a little bit weird? Yeah. I can't imagine wanting to pile up in bed with a bunch of girls I'd only known a few months, especially if my own normal bed was RIGHT UPSTAIRS so I could go there when I got tired (it's slightly different if you're having a party at their house and drinking and don't want to drive home.)

 

But it's not SO weird that I'd think it worth having a big fight over.

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Starswillshine Established Member

Starswillshine

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Yes, it is pretty common... especially if this will be their last night together. You have her all other nights. If this was a common thing, I might have to wonder, but there is nothing strange with it. Women have more intimate relationships with each other than men with other men.

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GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

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My wife has gone out of town for bachelorette parties and to save on costs shared a hotel room bed with a friend. That kind of stuff I wouldn't consider abnormal and yes it's slightly different for girls than it is guys.... but sleeping with her friend instead of coming upstairs to sleep with you?

 

I don't get it, it's not normal at all.

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Els Established Member

Els

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If this was a regular occurrence, I'd say it would be a problem.

 

But just one night, because her friend is leaving the next day, and she's in her 20s? Nah. Pretty common IMO. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

That being said, I think your concerns re: her spending more time with her friends than you in general could be valid. Again, in their early 20s it's fairly common for people to prioritize their friends, but it's entirely your prerogative to not want a relationship like that. I was with a guy in my late teens who did that - we went our separate ways pretty quickly. I'd suggest that you not harp on the sleeping together for 1 night issue, but do bring up the general feeling of not being a priority and see if she's willing to make a change.

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spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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No, it's not normal in my experience. I have shared a room with female friends, one on the bed one on the floor on cushions, because it was convenient at the time, but would never share a bed. I guess I might if we were all having a good convo and getting tired. It might seem the logical thing to do on someone's last night, but I think it's unlikely.

 

If you are not getting enough time with her, it sounds like she is more interested in her female friends than you. Perhaps she's bi? Maybe she's just losing interest in you in general. Sorry, it does sound a demoralising situation.

 

I think I would ask her if she was interested in them as more than friends.

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Pringle123 New Member

Pringle123

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If this was a regular occurrence, I'd say it would be a problem.

 

But just one night, because her friend is leaving the next day, and she's in her 20s? Nah. Pretty common IMO. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

That being said, I think your concerns re: her spending more time with her friends than you in general could be valid. Again, in their early 20s it's fairly common for people to prioritize their friends, but it's entirely your prerogative to not want a relationship like that. I was with a guy in my late teens who did that - we went our separate ways pretty quickly. I'd suggest that you not harp on the sleeping together for 1 night issue, but do bring up the general feeling of not being a priority and see if she's willing to make a change.

Thanks Elswyth, I think I agree with this opinion the most.

 

To add extra details however - this is not the first time she's done it - just the first time she's done it with me upstairs in the other room.

 

One time, staying over at her friends (B) to watch movies, slept in bed with one of the housemates (A) and the friend (B) who owned the house. I thought this made sense, as it was too far away to get back home from and there was nowhere else in the friends house for her to sleep.

 

Another time, after a night out (I was in town but not on the night out, though was invited), staying at another friends house. The other friend (M) left her room to share with her BF (they lived in the same house), leaving my GF and the housemate (A) to sleep in her (M's) bed. Again, I thought this made sense, and wasn't concerned about it.

 

The time that most hurt though, was on a leaving trip for the friend, B. 5 of us went away for the weekend (me, another guy, her, B and A). We booked two rooms (me assuming i'd be in a room with my gf), but when we got there, my GF said that A and B had asked her to stay in a room with them, and she seemed to want to stay with them. That time, I said that i didn't really want that, and In the end, she stayed in the room with me, but i felt hurt that i even had to ask. A and B slept in another room in a twin bed, with the other guy friend, who slept in separate single bed (the three were all really good friends, so this shouldn't necessarily have been an issue). This happened about a month before the time in my original post - so it's not like she didn't know i'd be uncomfortable with it.

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Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

Posted
Posted
Thanks Elswyth, I think I agree with this opinion the most.

 

To add extra details however - this is not the first time she's done it - just the first time she's done it with me upstairs in the other room.

 

One time, staying over at her friends (B) to watch movies, slept in bed with one of the housemates (A) and the friend (B) who owned the house. I thought this made sense, as it was too far away to get back home from and there was nowhere else in the friends house for her to sleep.

 

Another time, after a night out (I was in town but not on the night out, though was invited), staying at another friends house. The other friend (M) left her room to share with her BF (they lived in the same house), leaving my GF and the housemate (A) to sleep in her (M's) bed. Again, I thought this made sense, and wasn't concerned about it.

 

The time that most hurt though, was on a leaving trip for the friend, B. 5 of us went away for the weekend (me, another guy, her, B and A). We booked two rooms (me assuming i'd be in a room with my gf), but when we got there, my GF said that A and B had asked her to stay in a room with them, and she seemed to want to stay with them. That time, I said that i didn't really want that, and In the end, she stayed in the room with me, but i felt hurt that i even had to ask. A and B slept in another room in a twin bed, with the other guy friend, who slept in separate single bed (the three were all really good friends, so this shouldn't necessarily have been an issue). This happened about a month before the time in my original post - so it's not like she didn't know i'd be uncomfortable with it.

 

See, this is getting too complicated. She likes female flesh. She is introducing you to that fact gradually, but more and more directly as time goes on. Perhaps it is just that I am old and jaded, but I do not believe that nothing is going on between your gf and at least a few of those other girls. The question is how are you going to react to it? I can tell by you posting here that you are not going to adjust... so the question becomes what are you going to do about it? Interestingly, you share the same problem with a historical figure: Mary Todd Lincoln, President Abraham Lincoln's wife. Abe liked snuggling up with men and did it even when he was president. There was a certain man, an army officer, that old Abe enjoyed snuggling up with when he was out in the field inspecting the troops during the civil war... now, did he do anything else? Who knows for certain... I wonder what his wife thought of his tastes in bed partners when she wasn't around? I don't think she ever really commented on it. Question is, do you want to be soul mates to Mary Lincoln? Your girl is showing you in clear language who she is. You really need to listen...

Bastile Established Member

Bastile

Posted
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I don't get the sense that she's up to mischief...

 

Problem is that you have this gaggle of her friends keep interloping on your relationship. If I were you, I'd be moving out - with or without the girlfriend, because I couldn't live like that.

 

Move out. If she wants to join you, she will. If she'd rather behave like a child, then she will do that too.

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Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted
Thanks Elswyth, I think I agree with this opinion the most.

 

To add extra details however - this is not the first time she's done it - just the first time she's done it with me upstairs in the other room.

 

One time, staying over at her friends (B) to watch movies, slept in bed with one of the housemates (A) and the friend (B) who owned the house. I thought this made sense, as it was too far away to get back home from and there was nowhere else in the friends house for her to sleep.

 

Another time, after a night out (I was in town but not on the night out, though was invited), staying at another friends house. The other friend (M) left her room to share with her BF (they lived in the same house), leaving my GF and the housemate (A) to sleep in her (M's) bed. Again, I thought this made sense, and wasn't concerned about it.

 

The time that most hurt though, was on a leaving trip for the friend, B. 5 of us went away for the weekend (me, another guy, her, B and A). We booked two rooms (me assuming i'd be in a room with my gf), but when we got there, my GF said that A and B had asked her to stay in a room with them, and she seemed to want to stay with them. That time, I said that i didn't really want that, and In the end, she stayed in the room with me, but i felt hurt that i even had to ask. A and B slept in another room in a twin bed, with the other guy friend, who slept in separate single bed (the three were all really good friends, so this shouldn't necessarily have been an issue). This happened about a month before the time in my original post - so it's not like she didn't know i'd be uncomfortable with it.

 

Oof. I don't think your gf sounds like she's ready for a committed R, to be honest (which is what you seem to desire). I disagree with the poster who said she's having sex with the girls (I doubt she is), but it is a problem if one partner in the R expects that their relationship take precedence over friends, whereas the other partner expects the opposite.

 

Have you talked to her about feeling like you aren't being made a priority in general? What was her response?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

Looks like she is still a teenage girl at heart.

 

I also think it's being paranoid to think she is having sex with them.

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