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What is up with these married men [approaching me]?

FoundMyStrength

By FoundMyStrength
in General Relationship Discussion

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FoundMyStrength Established Member

FoundMyStrength

Posted
Posted

I was involved in a brief but intense EA (one-time PA) about this time last year. I've been no contact for about 9 months, and have broken out of the affair fog and limerence and addiction to see it for what it was.

 

And now here comes another married man. Another supervisor. Another man who thinks it's okay to share his feelings with me after work hours. To turn me into his work wife away from home. To make weird and awkward over-the-top compliments to me in front of co-workers. Exactly how it began with xMM.

 

But here's the thing. I've learned from xMM. I'm avoiding this man like the plague. If I can call him instead of stopping by his office, I do. If I have to go to his office, I leave as soon as business talk ends. When he dishes out his over the top compliments, I say a brief thank you and walk away. When we have meetings, I try to sit out of his line of vision so that he can't make eye contact and pull me into weird shared inside joke moments.

 

Don't get wrong. I like this guy. I think he's funny, I think he's nice, I think he's attractive. If he were single, I might be interested. But now I know how it happens and how easy it is to fall into that trap. How easy it is to think that talking after after work ends is innocent and safe.

 

And this time, things are going differently. I'm shutting this down before it gets out of control. I'm tightening my boundaries and putting up walls. It's working. But seriously, what is up with these married men?

  • Like 7
central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

Flippant: Married men need love, too.

 

 

Serious: If he persists, make a complaint with HR - this is NOT acceptable behavior in the workplace, and virtually every company has policies about this. You only have to be uncomfortable with it - it doesn't have to be anything more to be wrong, and if it is affecting how you work together, then it is actually a serious problem.

  • Like 1
imsosad Established Member

imsosad

Posted
Posted
Flippant: Married men need love, too.

 

 

Serious: If he persists, make a complaint with HR - this is NOT acceptable behavior in the workplace, and virtually every company has policies about this. You only have to be uncomfortable with it - it doesn't have to be anything more to be wrong, and if it is affecting how you work together, then it is actually a serious problem.

 

A. Foundmystrength, good for you! Keep it up!

B. Before filing a complaint with HR-assuming he persisr-I would give him one chance to back off. Just saying straight up-you are making me uncomfortable with the personal touch, I really dont want to drag HR in to this, please stop. If that doesn't help, by all means, involve HR and/or let his wife know. That should put a full stop to it.

Whatever happens, don't engage. Fool me once and so on.

jenkins95 Established Member

jenkins95

Posted
Posted (edited)
I was involved in a brief but intense EA (one-time PA) about this time last year. I've been no contact for about 9 months, and have broken out of the affair fog and limerence and addiction to see it for what it was.

 

And now here comes another married man. Another supervisor. Another man who thinks it's okay to share his feelings with me after work hours. To turn me into his work wife away from home. To make weird and awkward over-the-top compliments to me in front of co-workers. Exactly how it began with xMM.

 

But here's the thing. I've learned from xMM. I'm avoiding this man like the plague. If I can call him instead of stopping by his office, I do. If I have to go to his office, I leave as soon as business talk ends. When he dishes out his over the top compliments, I say a brief thank you and walk away. When we have meetings, I try to sit out of his line of vision so that he can't make eye contact and pull me into weird shared inside joke moments.

 

Don't get wrong. I like this guy. I think he's funny, I think he's nice, I think he's attractive. If he were single, I might be interested. But now I know how it happens and how easy it is to fall into that trap. How easy it is to think that talking after after work ends is innocent and safe.

 

And this time, things are going differently. I'm shutting this down before it gets out of control. I'm tightening my boundaries and putting up walls. It's working. But seriously, what is up with these married men?

 

Well done FMS - proud of you! You have learned from your awful experience and will never allow yourself to be hurt again, or others to be hurt indirectly from your actions - more power to you!

 

Just to say, not all MM are like that. I've done some learning too. I made that mistake once - NEVER AGAIN! I treat women in my office wth the utmost respect, but with no flirting. That hasn't always been the case :(

 

FMS, it's great to read your posts as see the progress you've made! You are now an inspiration to women who are now where you were a year ago. Thanks for being here! x

Edited by jenkins95
  • Like 1
freengreen Established Member

freengreen

Posted
Posted

You got it girl... flip it back this time around;feel the triump and book a spa treat \m/

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

Brilliant self reflection and awareness from you OP.

 

When we make wrong choices, learning from them is vital... You've done that. Congratulations.

  • Like 3
jah526 Established Member

jah526

Posted
Posted

Great job FMS!

 

I've been looking at my own behavior too. In the past I've gotten chummy with some married men because I always figured they were "safe". Until now. It's caused me to reevaluate some of my own actions. I know that I trust people too readily. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise, but maybe that's not such a great way to go about things. Maybe I need to let people earn my trust more.

 

Not saying you're doing anything wrong, but just something I'm curious about. Maybe we tend to give off some kind of "compassionate" vibe or something. I read something awhile ago that struck me, written by a married man who was trying to cheat. Basically he tried with pretty much every woman he came across. He said the smart ones steered clear of him after his first attempt. I'm trying to keep that in mind. Maybe we have to fight a bit against our own dispositions, and be a little warier, and I think you are doing that.

  • Like 2
AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

Posted
Posted

You know that you have learned the life lesson when you can see things 10 miles out. You just cant unsee once your eyes are wide open.

 

It makes life...that much easier to navigate for ourselves.

  • Like 2
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