JoeSimone68 Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I'm new to this. not sure how I feel about this. Been divorced for a while, had one superficial relationship now ready to try and meet someone to date maybe relationship. After the first meet up if its not clear there is chemistry how do you follow up? I hd one date and there was NO chemistry so I just stopped contact. She contacted me and said it was rude, should have at least told her it wasn't a match for me. Went on another date, things were pretty good, not perfect, but worth another try. Texted her "had a good time, enjoyed our date." she responded with the same. Don't want to seem desperate and keep texting her cause I know she is still on website a lot whenever I go on she is on there. I will ask her out again, how long should I wait? only been 2 days. Then sometimes you get into these text email exchanges and the women just vanish . you think you are building up to a date and then they stop returning your messages and no I'm not saying perverted stuff.
Gaeta Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I'm new to this. not sure how I feel about this. Been divorced for a while, had one superficial relationship now ready to try and meet someone to date maybe relationship. After the first meet up if its not clear there is chemistry how do you follow up? I hd one date and there was NO chemistry so I just stopped contact. She contacted me and said it was rude, should have at least told her it wasn't a match for me. Went on another date, things were pretty good, not perfect, but worth another try. Texted her "had a good time, enjoyed our date." she responded with the same. Don't want to seem desperate and keep texting her cause I know she is still on website a lot whenever I go on she is on there. I will ask her out again, how long should I wait? only been 2 days. Then sometimes you get into these text email exchanges and the women just vanish . you think you are building up to a date and then they stop returning your messages and no I'm not saying perverted stuff. It's considered basic courtesy to tell your date you enjoyed meeting them but there was not enough common interests for you to pursue. Although it is best to be frank you will find that very few people apply it and just don't contact each other anymore. Here is what a woman expect. * After a first date you message the lady you enjoyed meeting her and wish to do this again. She will agree or decline. * Most people online consider you need to meet at least 3-4 times to decide to date you exclusively and take their profile down. Younger people may need more time. * We expect dates, not a text buddy so this second lady you met she is expecting you will invite her on a second date. Don't delay to do this. If you don't come up with your second invitation within a week you'll appear luckywarm. 1
scooby-philly Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 Hey OP, Yeah - I think if you were to survey online dating site users you'd find as many different responses to this type of questions as there are people. That said, there's nothing wrong with developing and then sticking to your own "moral code" or set of rules. I would advocate - that regardless of whether it took a day, a week, a month or more to progress from meeting someone online to getting a "date" - if the date doesn't go well it's responsible for a person - if they're not feeling anything - to let the other know. Even if it was clear to you it may not have been clear to the other person. So I would argue that you have "man up" (not meant as an insult) and own it and tell someone that. If they're clinging, desperate, or clueless and won't take a simple "hey, you're a nice person...but I wasn't feeling anything" then take appropriate, documented, and polite steps. It's a pain in the butt, however, there's no other way it should be done. Assume that anyone you talk to may be talking to several people at the same time - even if they agree to a date. Now, when i was younger I stuck to the "one person" at a time rule.....but in reality both men and women chat to multiple people until they find someone good enough to turn their entire attention to - and don't let anyone else tell you it's just guys or that you should follow your personality. It's a myth that most women only focus on one guy at a time - at least if they're in the email/text/phone phase. If you really grab her attention and she yours you just politely (and to the first paragraph - clearly) remove yourself from any conversations. Seriously...when you meet someone good enough you will know. So to that point....don't wait - there's not set in stone response time commandment. If you had a good time and wait a few days that's fine. But that whole rule of you have to wait - again - it's made up. So if you go out with someone and had such a good time that you want to text them that night or the next day - go for it. There's no way for 2 people to tell what the other is thinking unless they express it. And in any case - regardless of how many days you wait to initiate contact after a first date - if you want a second one - then ask and propose a few ideas. If she balks or can't decide that's clue number one that maybe she's not that into you - and in worse case - I apply the "3 options" rule - if a woman doesn't say yes to a date early on (say in first 10 dates or so) then give her the 3 options technique - something along the lines of 1 option to go grab coffee or brunch late morning or early afternoon on a weekend. A drink either on a Friday or Saturday night, or something active either after work or on a weekend. But spread them out a bit so there's time in between each option, and if you're already on a Thursday or Friday you may want to shoot for the following weekend. If they can't decide then and don't come back with a "would love to, but I'm busy" accompanied by a legit reason and a counter-proposal then forget it. 2
smackie9 Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 Just keep it simple. You don't need to dazzle them with some kind of message, just ask them out again...with a plan and a back up option. There are no rules to when you wish to see someone again. You can do the two day thing, you can even ask them out after the date depending on how it went. You only look desperate if you inundate them with messages or don't get the hint when they keep saying they are busy. I think you are doing just fine. But ya it is common curiosity to gentle say there was no connection or you are not interested. Sometimes it works other times you get mean messages back. Whatever you do, most of the time it doesn't have anything to do with the outcome of the lack of interest. If they are really interested in you, they are not going to be turned off by a too quick request for another date. 1
knabe Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 You did not owe her anything after one date. No, you didn't. Unless you have dated several times over several weeks, ghosting is not relevant. In the olden days (you know, like the 80's and 90's) people went on a date or two and dropped off the earth, and we understood it meant there was no interest...and we didn't die. You have nothing to feel bad about. The same goes for messaging. If you haven't met yet, and the messaging stops, that also means "I'm not interested," so you just move on. It's simple. It can sting, but it's not fatal. Dating - much like real life - requires a thick skin, emotional intelligence, and a lack of entitlement. 2
coolheadal Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) I'm new to this. not sure how I feel about this. Been divorced for a while, had one superficial relationship now ready to try and meet someone to date maybe relationship. After the first meet up if its not clear there is chemistry how do you follow up? I hd one date and there was NO chemistry so I just stopped contact. She contacted me and said it was rude, should have at least told her it wasn't a match for me. Went on another date, things were pretty good, not perfect, but worth another try. Texted her "had a good time, enjoyed our date." she responded with the same. Don't want to seem desperate and keep texting her cause I know she is still on website a lot whenever I go on she is on there. I will ask her out again, how long should I wait? only been 2 days. Then sometimes you get into these text email exchanges and the women just vanish . you think you are building up to a date and then they stop returning your messages and no I'm not saying perverted stuff. Treat them as you would like to be treated. There are no rules here with the online courtship. In person they should be like they were on the phone. If you get something like this mentioned "You look different than I had thought, or you seem Skinner, you don't seem like I would be interested in you. They might not say it directly but they can think it mentally. Depends really hard you should video chat before you even go out save on money and plus if she doesn't really dig you (like you enough to date or more). Do not text bomb these women with endless text. Text to say hi, how was your day, how really enjoyed out date, we can try again next week or this weekend what do you think? Are you free this weekend or next? Those are the things you can throw out on them. But never, never go overboard. They'll think your some sort of stalker or jerk. Once that happens you can forget about ever hearing from them ever again. If they met someone else or fall back on prior ex you have no chance in hell! Just and to go with the punches and hope for the best today. Make sure you two have common interest and such. Don't fake anything and don't settle for less than you want. Don't let your ego get in your way either. That's where the toxic drama creeps up on us all. Text and wait if you don't hear back text and say hi you okay? Leave it like that, no answer, move on and don't look back. Edited July 12, 2017 by coolheadal
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 Hi. I try to keep things very simple. I just had a date a few hours ago. Afterwards, I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek (part of my culture) goodbye. I thanked her in person and responded to her text thanking me. I did not make plans simply b/c I didn't feel that she was what I was seeking in a long term relationship. That's that. My search continues. I personally do not feel it necessary to tell the person that they do not meet my needs. Simply ending a date w/o plans typically is enough for the other person to know whether there is additional interest. Especially after a positive encounter. I only respond with, 'sorry, but I don't think....' when asked. But I have yet to encounter that. Everyone has their own rules and expectations, but that is what I do. 1
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