km Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 I just can't decide. The intelligent me knows I should get out of this. Ups and downs are too hard for me to take - walking on eggshells, never truly able to relax, when I do I get ambushed with an unexpected angry outburst. I try to find ways to cope. I dream about other men (not sexually -- just dream that someone wants me, loves me). But the emotional me sees the good parts of him, sees how similar we are in many ways, grew up believing that you didn't leave a marriage just because it became tough. The only time I have the balls to approach the subject of counseling, I forget that we need it, because things are going good. He -is- sometimes thoughtful and generous and caring. But, when it's bad, I feel totally alone and figure, if I'm going to be alone, shouldn't I at least have the freedom of being TRULY alone? And when I try to tell him that he leaves me feeling alone, he almost seems to really not know what I'm talking about -- like he's Jekyll & Hyde, and one side has no memory of what the other side is doing. I honestly don't know what's wrong with him. I'd guess manic depression, but he's never REALLY manic. And his good periods are usually longer than his bad. He's more NORMAL-THEN-PISSED OFF than UP-THEN-DOWN. I alternate between KNOWING my life would be better without him, and DREADING the idea of living without him. I guess I'm codependent, eh? Can any other intelligent, independent codependents out there describe your breaking points? What finally happened to make you say, "Y'know what, I don't need to do this anymore..." and leave?
meanon Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 The intelligent me knows I should get out of this. Ups and downs are too hard for me to take - walking on eggshells, never truly able to relax, when I do I get ambushed with an unexpected angry outburst. I try to find ways to cope. I dream about other men the emotional me sees the good parts of him, sees how similar we are in many ways, grew up believing that you didn't leave a marriage just because it became tough. The only time I have the balls to approach the subject of counseling, I forget that we need it, because things are going good. He -is- sometimes thoughtful and generous and caring I think the label of co-dependence is too easily applied. The emotional part of you hopes for the return of your thoughtful, generous, caring husband. The intelligent part of you knows he's long gone, that the ups are brief respites in a relationship characterised by fear of him, of failure, of change. Do you still love him? If so, I hope you do find the courage to suggest counselling, that he agrees and that it takes place early enough to prevent any further alienation. Do it now. You don't forget it, you just dread asking and hope it's no longer necessary, that's why you can't do it when things are going badly. What are you scared of? The breaking point comes when there are no ups, when there are only downs and you run out of ways to cope. Often, it comes when you are least able to deal with it, when you are at your weakest. Having come through it, you'll go from strength to strength and never look back.
Author km Posted August 8, 2005 Author Posted August 8, 2005 Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Ironically, while we watched some friends go through marriage trouble, he expressed disdain that the wife wouldn't go to counseling with the husband, who wanted to save the marriage. When I mentioned to him, once, that _we_ should go, he acted like he couldn't imagine why I would think he would do that. That, if the marriage was messed up, it had to be ME. But he does express, occasionally, when we're being intimate, that he knows he's a problematic partner. I have considered counseling alone. I always find ways (don't want to spend the $$, etc) to talk myself out of it. I'm a little afraid, because I live in a very small town, of my "secret life" being exposed, I think. I'm ashamed that I'm in a marriage like this. Even family doesn't know. I've done a bang-up job of isolating myself. I'm not sure what I'm scared of. I guess I'm a little afraid that my vision of life alone is a fantasy, and that I'd really miss him (because there are times I'm really happy he's in my life). And I'm afraid of hurting him (though he has no fear of doing the same to me). I _DO_ still love him, at times -- I mean, I'd have to love him to HATE him as much as I sometimes do, right? If you drew out the emotional timeline of our relationship, it would look exactly like a roller coaster. Again, thanks. I'll think about what you've said. I fear I'll wait until that time when there are "no ups." What an awful feeling that will be.
Trimmer Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 km - I don't know how small your town is, but I live in a small town too, and I'm really glad I am seeing a counselor. I would expect any counselor to hold confidentiality as a high principle, and actually, mine understands the whole "small town" thing because she lives here too, so she's extra sensitive to that. Don't isolate yourself - give yourself an anchor. I was worried at first about the money, but after going once or twice, I really appreciate the ability to talk openly, cry if I need to, etc.... ls.org is great, too, but there's something about being face-to-face with a real person... Just try it out once or twice - I'll say it again: Don't isolate yourself. That just adds an extra pressure that you don't need.
country gal Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 just at a quick glance, it seems to me that your husband lacks some insight into himself and how his behavior makes you feel. or maybe he does see it, and his aparent ignorance is some sort of self-defense for himself? either way, i think counseling is a very good idea - for both of you, but if needs be, you alone. someone once talked to me about the idea that there is a 'love bank' in every relationship ... and withdrawls can and will be taken out of this bank, but as long as deposits are also being made (via affection, understanding, respect, etc) then a relationship can still stand....but right now, it seems that your bank is getting dangerously low and if you dont do something about it now - like counseling, or leaving if you so choose - you will reach a personal breaking point. also, remember that you have every right to feel what you feel. these emotions are very legitimate. you are not weak or weird for balancing along the line between wanting to run for the hills and worrying about missing him if you do. in your shoes, we would all feel it. i think you want to love him and have things be good, but know somewhere inside that you deserve more - and you do! dont let fear hold you back from your needs. good luck!
Author km Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 Thanks, everyone, for thoughtful advice & feedback. Ironically, he's chosen to be extra sweet the last few days (even though I don't think he ever knows I would consider leaving). It was especially nice to hear that I shouldn't isolate myself, because I _DO_, and that _DOES_ make it harder (I'm a loner, have been all my life, but being ALONE is a lot easier than being lonely WITH someone), and to hear that I'm not weird because I waffle back and forth between love and hate. And the bank concept is an interesting one -- might explain why I put up with it - just when he's about to overdraw, he makes a deposit. Apparently, I don't mind low balances... THANK YOU all...
country gal Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 just one more thought ... don't settle for low balances, ask for more - whether it be in the form of counseling, respect, or whatever else you can think of. at least then you're putting it in his court and giving him a chance to fulfill your needs. then if he still doesnt, at least then you have a more clear view of the situation to base a decision on.
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