aileD Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) I have been here for a year or so and I've read so many stories about infidelity. Everyone wants to write out their long story (I have too!) and explain themselves. And I read the same things over and over. And I realize it all seems different and unique when you're in it....but really.....if one or both of you is married: --It doesn't matter if they were your high school sweetheart-- you're still just cheating --it doesn't matter if you have a sexless marriage- you're still just cheating --it doesn't matter if he's just staying for the kids, if his wife doesn't approve or or know you're still just cheating --it doesn't matter if you feel like soulmates--you're still just cheating --it doesn't matter if you have never felt this way about anyone ever in your entire life--you're still just cheating. --it doesn't matter if your spouse is emotionally neglectful or abusive- you're still just cheating --it doesn't matter if you've fallen out of love with your spouse-- you're still just cheating --and a new one from a recent post--- it doesn't matter if you're in a polyamorous situation- if the other partner doesn't know or agree- you're just cheating Get the point? To me there's no special circumstances. If you're married or your "one true love" is married and your spouses don't know or aren't agreeable--then you're just cheating and all that other stuff doesn't really matter . Edited July 12, 2017 by aileD Typos 13
carhill Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 If humans were all the same and adhered to absolute programming we'd be robots and no need for interaction and relationship discussions such as this. Perhaps someday. Programmer over poet. 1
Els Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I agree completely. I've been reading a lot of D/s blogs recently, and I came across one by a married man who'd had a long-term affair with a married woman and, after D-day, was now trying to 'revive' his marriage by pushing his wife into D/s. It absolutely horrified me. Pages and pages of justification and rationalization for his actions, and zero admittance of wrongdoing or any attempt to take some personal responsibility. Pages and pages going on about what a wonderful person his mistress was - it didn't matter to him that she was cheating on her husband. (Not that everyone into D/s is like this, just that that was my most recent read about such a case) What a freakin' coward. If your marriage genuinely is so unhappy that you must seek happiness elsewhere, then LEAVE. Leave, get a divorce, and then go be with the person you want to be with (if they still want you, that is). If you "can't" leave because of this or that, then own your decision to stay, and either stop sleeping around or tell your partner so that they can make the informed decision for themselves. 3
somanymistakes Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 Of course it's still cheating. But if you ask the question of "why would someone think this is okay?" I believe that people think it's okay because they've got the idea in their head that 'love' is more important than any human law or barrier or morality, more important than religion, more important than anything. It's like saying "but it's still speeding!" to someone who decided they needed to drive extra-fast to get somewhere important. Yes, it's still speeding, they don't care because they've decided something else matters more. 1
TaylorW Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 Most people want to think that they are good and moral, so if they do something that's actually "bad" they need some kind of justification or reframing of what they did or they try to minimize it's significance so they won't feel bad about themselves. In a way they do it to protect themselves. In psychology it's called dissonance theory. 3
Bastile Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I've been around the block. I've never cheated on anyone. And I've turned 31 today. Tough subject, and sometimes I actually think that I'm being stupid in not doing in Rome as the Romans do. I seriously think that I'm just hamstringing myself. But the point is that you can have a full experience in dating without this. And I still do consider it a weakness. Not sure that any cheating can be reframed as a strength or anything positive.
Jethro Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 There is obviously no excuse for cheating. Just remember, relationships are a 2 way street. I was blind to my own faults when my ex cheated on me but I am big enough to understand that she isn't the only one who screwed up.
JuneJulySeptember Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I think it matters the type and circumstances. If you're a really good looking guy (and most guys are programmed to want to sleep with any decent looking woman), and you have all these skanky, hot sluts throwing themselves over you, and you have a moment of weakness when you're drinking and make out and put your hands over some unbelievably hot woman, well... Obviously, that is the farthest thing from my situation. Repeated meetups, an actual affair, are much worse. And married men and men with girlfriends proactively hitting on other women and even friends of their wives/gfs. Scandalous. No excuse. Ever. You will burn in h@ll.
Author aileD Posted July 12, 2017 Author Posted July 12, 2017 There is obviously no excuse for cheating. Just remember, relationships are a 2 way street. I was blind to my own faults when my ex cheated on me but I am big enough to understand that she isn't the only one who screwed up. But she IS the only one who cheated right? That's all I'm talking about here 1
Timshel Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I've been around the block. I've never cheated on anyone. And I've turned 31 today. Happy birthday! Congrats on never cheating on anyone. 3
SammySammy Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I can agree with that. It's all just cheating. What's interesting to me is we all end up here with some form of emotional turmoil or conflict. I think the question this site tries to answer is how do we deal with all of these emotions and desires in a way that brings to most joy and causes the least pain to ourselves and others? Love. Lust. Approval. Betrayal. Disappointment. Resentment. Regret. And so many others. How do we guide ourselves through this life in the "best" way when life's temptations and misfortunes are around every corner? 1
Birdies Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 Very true. I will say, I think this site and others like it do a great job of shaking cheaters (myself included) out of the mental gymnastics we need to go through to justify our actions at the time. That is important and beneficial and I think the folks who are here trying to discuss and expand and learn, deserve some kudos for that. 2
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