Leaving my alcoholic bf... I'm hurting. ?

[Zahara]

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly, especially having to live with him knowing that you're facing an ending.

 

Addicts are manipulators. They do whatever it takes to get what they want. Nice when they want something from you. Unkind when they can't get their way. I am sure this behavior he is exhibiting is not uncommon to you. Maybe it hurts more this time because you thought this was a sign of change since he knows you are ending it. Well, he's shown you again that words mean nothing.

 

It's courageous of you to tell his father. If anything happens to your ex now, you won't be riddled with guilt because you did your part and it is now up to his family to do whatever it takes to get him help.

 

Infact, it is likely a blessing if that is what it took to get him to remove himself from you.

 

Personally I would pack all his things and have his father come pick them up and get him. I know it is hard to kick him out but if he is supposed to be gone in a couple of days/next week, you need to stick to that term. Don't enable him anymore. In a week, he needs to be out and it isn't your responsibility as to where he goes and lives.

 

It's natural for you to find it hard to eat, sleep and function. It's going to be like this for awhile, or at least until you have some space and peace with him gone. For as long as he is in your view and stirring drama, you'll keep allowing him to gouge at your wounds.

 

Stop making him dinner -- taking care of him and treat it as a break-up. Yes you both live together, but you must implement boundaries. It is only to protect yourself.

[kotaleighx]

I don't think he will come around anymore; originally we were trying to be kind for the rest of the time but he obviously can't do that. I think he packed a bag and will at least be gone a couple days. It's a double edged sword really and all just very painful. Hard to watch this all crumble in front of my eyes. Trying my best.

[Zahara]

I don't think he will come around anymore; originally we were trying to be kind for the rest of the time but he obviously can't do that. I think he packed a bag and will at least be gone a couple days. It's a double edged sword really and all just very painful. Hard to watch this all crumble in front of my eyes. Trying my best.

 

It is painful and a difficult situation for you to be in. The hope and dreams you built only for him to disappoint you. Don't place blame on yourself. There is only so much you could have done. While it is painful to see him go, look at it as the start of your healing and moving on. This has to happen sooner rather than later.

 

Be kind to yourself. Since he is not home today, pick out a good movie you have been wanting to watch. Get your favorite take-in. Draw a hot bath. Get in that fluffy robe and comfort YOU. Cry if you need to but try to nurture yourself.

[1fish2fish]

omg! You must be in so much pain!! I truly hope he is gone for a few days at least so you can stabilize a bit and maybe gain some clarity.

 

I have nothing to add to Zahara, only that I am so sorry you're going through this. Sending you hugs!

[kotaleighx]

Thank you guys.

 

The pain I feel from this breakup is truly crippling. I've never loved this much and lost like this. Although I can't say I'm necessarily surprised, I also didn't expect it to end this badly... I thought we would be peaceful and take some time for ourselves at least. Now I doubt there will ever be a chance at a future together but I have to accept that for so many different reasons. All I can do is take it one baby step at a time I guess.

[Chin Up]

You're doing the right thing!

 

I ended it with my guy 2.5 months ago cuz I couldn't take the drinking and drugs, and the verbal/mental/emotional abuse (he's also bipolar and off his meds, but that's another story)

 

I'm actually having an off day, really miss him hard today and feel like my chest is caving in, but I keep reminding myself of the **** he put me through, and then cry for myself.

 

You're going to go through some weird feelings over this, or maybe not depending how things go down.

 

In my case, I ended it, he walked away and didn't look back. That still really hurts cuz it felt like given the option of me, or a can of beer and a joint, no brainer for him, party time!

 

You're going to be working through all the **** he said/did/called/etc wondering how much of it he meant and it doesn't matter cuz he's a he's a selfish drunk azzhole.

 

You're going to wonder why you stayed with him so long and put up with all his ****, wonder when you became "that girl" that's always crying over, and hanging onto a total loser jerk. Because you're a kind and loving person, he took and took, and you're no longer willing to put up with drunk azz anymore!

 

Being with a guy like him is incredibly demoralizing and a constant sucker punch or roundhouse to your self esteem cuz you just don't know what to expect anymore.

 

How drunk are they tonight? Are they high too? If so, what are they high on this time? Are they going to scream and break **** tonight? Is he going to rip into for me an hour what a piece of crap I am? It's fkn draining and so bad for your mind and soul!

 

I'm finally starting to bust out of the depression and low self worth he left me with.

My reality check was when I realized I was considering getting one of those naloxone kits just in case his cocaine had fentanyl in it.wtf?!!

 

I'm not that girl, I won't be with that guy, and neither will you!

 

If you want to know, I can tell you the crap he pulled in the 2.5 years I was with him.

 

You might feel awful as hell cuz at some point you took on the role of being his caregiver and will worry he's dead somewhere, but that's his choice. Don't see it as abandoning him, see it as getting yourself back!

 

If only we could just breakup with the drunk version of them, but sadly it's all or nothing.

[1fish2fish]

Chin up! Whoa...I can relate to every. single. word.

 

I could tell within 10 seconds of talking to my exbf on the phone if he was drunk, or drunk and high on weed, and how much he had consumed.

 

What a waste.

[Chin Up]

And also good for you in being upfront with what you've dealt with!

 

It's hard and embarrassing to talk about, especially with people in real life because you feel like a royal fool for putting up with it.

 

When I first posted about this breakup I was hiding why I broke up with him cuz I felt ashamed of myself for being with someone like that, for as long as I did, and was really emotionally and mentally confused and screwed up over it.

 

You're already a smarter girl than I, but if you feel yourself getting sucked back in, don't make my mistake and go back cuz heed my words..

 

It WILL get worse!

 

He may even think you're bluffing right now, and if he is, be prepared for the mother off all verbal assaults when he realized he cant **** talk his way out of this one. Not trying to scare you, but be prepared cuz I ended up staying in a hotel for 2 nights cuz he screamed me out the door with no end in sight.

 

You sound like a really great girl with a level head. And you're right, at 38 he should have his **** together and probably never will.

 

You're gonna come out of this soaring and he's still going to be a miserable drunk.

 

Stay strong!

[kotaleighx]

Thanks everyone.

 

He already knows I'm not bluffing that's why he's being so much more awful then usual. He hasn't come home and probably won't this weekend, at least not while I'm home.

 

Trying to stay strong. I'm trying to just have an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful for what we had and everything, it's helping. I do miss him a lot though and I know eventually he will come around. He has to. Right now he is drinking and doing drugs and going out with friends to try to forget about me but that will eventually have to catch up with him.

 

I know I'm making the right choice by leaving, just wish the hurt wasn't so bad!

[hestheone66]

I have been to an al-anon meeting.

 

We are both bitter and hurt right now. It's hard to respond properly because he keeps saying that it's my fault we are breaking up, I am the one choosing to leave, etc. and while that is true, if it weren't for him and his ****ty choices and behaviors, I wouldn't be leaving.

 

Of course we fought tonight because we are hurt. He said some pretty cruddy things. He said things like, I should just let him alone when he drinks too much sometimes- that it's not that big of s deal. That I am not perfect and make mistakes too (well duh!), that I don't love him unconditionally because I'm leaving, that if you love someone you don't leave. That I don't like him for who he truly is, I'm controlling, etc. He even got so mad as to say "good, I'll be happier without you" only to immediately apologize and retract that statement.

 

It's so hard. This isn't my fault.

 

Are there things I can do to help? I'm thinking making making a list of all of the cons/bad things he does/has done so I can visually see the crap he puts me through when I'm feeling weak?

 

Blegh. Heartbreak sucks.

 

I feel sad for you...I had a long unsatisfying relationship with a person with addiction problems...

 

LOVE is NOT enough..

 

Dr Phil once said, the only unconditional love you owe is to your children, all other love is cobtitiobal on a bunch of stuff such as mutual respect and not making choices that diminish the quality of life of your partner.

 

Love yourself and erect boundaries but not walls because you need to realise that your needs are important, that you are important and you don't need anyone to diminish you,.

[kotaleighx]

The f*cked up part is that I find myself wanting to stay.

 

A big part of me doesn't want to go home. I want to stay and work on things. Work on my mistakes too. I just want to get it right with him, that's all I've ever wanted with us. I've never felt like this before... I've never been with someone that I just couldn't imagine my life without.

 

Half of my friends and fam would kill me for staying, and the other half tell me only I can make this decision and nobody knows the relationship and what I want except me.

 

I don't even have a place for me and my pets to go when I get home really. All of a sudden I am so conflicted and all kinds of messed up. :'(

[Zahara]

The f*cked up part is that I find myself wanting to stay.

 

A big part of me doesn't want to go home. I want to stay and work on things. Work on my mistakes too. I just want to get it right with him, that's all I've ever wanted with us. I've never felt like this before... I've never been with someone that I just couldn't imagine my life without.

 

Half of my friends and fam would kill me for staying, and the other half tell me only I can make this decision and nobody knows the relationship and what I want except me.

 

I don't even have a place for me and my pets to go when I get home really. All of a sudden I am so conflicted and all kinds of messed up. :'(

 

Dysfunctional relationships are the hardest relationships to let go. The toxicity -- up and down, emotionally charged, anxiety ridden, uncertainties, want what you cannot have, etc. are often misconstrued as passion and love. There's a difference between healthy, nurturing love versus toxic, dependent attachment. Don't confuse the two -- it's hard to do because you're in an emotional cloud. But if your sister or best girlfriend were in this situation, what would you advise them to do? You'd be rational about it and clear headed. You can't see that for yourself so trust those that are looking out for you. They see what you cannot see right now.

 

There is nothing to work on except your own emotional state. There's a reason why you have and want to put up with this. You're just as unhealthy as he is, if you stay.

 

You may not have a place for you or your pets but any place is better than the place you are in now.

 

You can't imagine your life without an alcoholic? Imagine a life with a man that is respectful, kind, nurturing and loving.

[amaysngrace]

I was so crazy about my exBF. He was the greatest guy ever to be around......until he wasn't

 

and even the drinking was a little bit exciting....

 

until it wasn't

 

So glad to have that chaos behind me. He's still the same as always. Drinking every night and creating drama and treating the next one like she's special the same way he made me feel but it's not real. Things we once shared that he supposedly thought the world of at the time probably aren't even remembered anymore or if they are I doubt he knows it was me who he shared them with. He barely remembered as they were occurring.

 

The relationship that meant the world to me was only just a blur to him.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are bound to feel totally torn. You love the good aspects to this guy but they come with the addiction. As long as he is addicted, he will not change. The addiction will always come first and blind him to all that is happening around him. I'm sure you sense that and it makes it harder because you know he is 'under a spell'. But he could be in this situation until he dies. Sounds awful but it is true.

 

When dealing with someone who has emotional ups and downs, it is natural for you to feel highs and lows alongside them. The lows are really low and demoralising, like the times when he was not there for you when you most needed him. The highs are highs but also relief from the lows. The whole relationship triggers chemicals in the brain which make it addictive. Not having highs and lows can feel strangely disturbing and lacking. If you get used to the feeling of something being missing though, you will come out the other side being able to see how dysfunctional it was and how much better a relationship can be.

 

This is the hardest part, the turmoil of separation and all the feelings that go with it. Once you get through this and both of you have settled into other situations, you will gradually return to equilibrium. It must be incredibly painful at the moment but you have not caused this. It was his actions that have resulted in this and I think you have amazing insight into your situation. You see it all so clearly but are dealing with feelings and they are going to be mixed up and messy for a while. Drawing a line like you have is the starting point to a better life for yourself. Your unconscious will try to pull you back but it will also push you forward. The internal conflict hurts and is exhausting. Your unconscious mind will work through it though. It has a lot of processing to do. All you can do is to stay on track and wait for your less rational side to catch up with the rest of you. Personally, I think you are amazing. Your perception seems spot on. Your ex has to take responsibility for himself now and your priority should be to look after yourself. You have enough practical things to worry about without worrying about him too.