Am I wrong for ending an online "friendship" because it isn't going anywhere?

[Ultraviolence]

So I've known her online for 6 years now. Through out that time we have become very close to each other. We would talk almost all day, everyday. I don't know if I'm making a mistake here. The thing is this sure as hell never felt like a "friendship". This felt like so much more than that. My feelings grew extremely strong for her. The things she would tell me about myself through out the years led me into believing this was going somewhere and that we shared something very special. So in my mind, it doesn't make sense for this to only remain a friendship. I don't believe she will easily be able to form a bond like that again.

 

The thing is I have really devoted myself to her (as limiting as online is). I really did my best to give it everything. I know that is my fault. But how can I just accept friendship at this point? She isn't allowing this to GROW and isn't that the main purpose of everything in this universe? To grow?

 

I don't believe this can just remain a friendship, It has to grow into something more. I'm going through a rough time dealing with this. I'm tired of being hurt by this. I've been feeling hurt for years now. I need her to understand and make a decision or I need this to end. I don't believe in friendship. I believe in having one person in your life as a partner. I can't stay in the middle here. I don't feel like she is being consistent in the words she has told me through out all of these years. So it is all starting to feel fake as I begin to grow and change in this world.

 

But the thing is I know she needs me in her life. We talked yesterday and she made that clear. She needs me and she feels like I'm abandoning her.

 

I feel stuck. I feel like I'm supposed to be a bigger person than all of this and just be there for her if I really love her.

 

But if she really needs me (and no one else) then she should let this go further than friendship right?

 

I'm putting my life on hold for her and It hurts to keep waiting.

[somanymistakes]

If you end a friendship because it's not "going anywhere", that makes it sound like you were never capable of being a good friend to anyone at all, which is pretty disappointing.

 

But then, as you said, you don't believe in friendship. That's an awful thing to say, but I guess it's true.

 

So yes, in that case, you need to end it. Tell her you are not capable of being a friend to her - or anyone - right now. Then take some time out to work on yourself.

 

You do need to grow, but you need to grow in yourself. You need to learn more about yourself, and other people, and how to be a friend, before you can contemplate pursuing anything else.

[tetrahedral]

So I've known her online for 6 years now.

 

So you've never met her.

 

Through out that time we have become very close to each other.

 

Minus the most basic aspects of human interaction.

 

We would talk almost all day, everyday. I don't know if I'm making a mistake here. The thing is this sure as hell never felt like a "friendship". This felt like so much more than that.

 

Why? You've never done anything with this person that people in relationships do. Forget going on dates, trips, adventures of some kind, dancing, cuddling, kissing, sex, whatever. You've never even looked at her.

 

My feelings grew extremely strong for her. The things she would tell me about myself through out the years led me into believing this was going somewhere and that we shared something very special. So in my mind, it doesn't make sense for this to only remain a friendship. I don't believe she will easily be able to form a bond like that again.

 

But it hasn't gone anywhere in 6 years. Why would you think that something that has gone nowhere in 6 years, is going to go somewhere in year 7? You're on pace to kiss her after what, 25 years?

 

The thing is I have really devoted myself to her (as limiting as online is). I really did my best to give it everything. I know that is my fault. But how can I just accept friendship at this point? She isn't allowing this to GROW and isn't that the main purpose of everything in this universe? To grow?

 

Oh, I totally believe you did your best. That doesn't mean what you were doing was ever a good idea in the first place.

 

I don't believe this can just remain a friendship, It has to grow into something more.

 

This person is a pen pal. Why are you expecting anything from a pen pal? Forget relationship - how could they possibly be much of a friend? They aren't there to share experiences with. And you've never shared experiences with them.

 

I'm going through a rough time dealing with this. I'm tired of being hurt by this. I've been feeling hurt for years now. I need her to understand and make a decision or I need this to end.

 

So move on. It's not on her to end it. It's on you to stop subjecting yourself to such emotional trauma over nothing. Why are you subjecting yourself to "feeling hurt"? What the hell are you getting out of this arrangement?

 

I hate to sound harsh, but idk if anyone's going to tell you this, so I'm putting it out there. You deserve better. I don't even know you, and I know you deserve better.

 

I don't believe in friendship. I believe in having one person in your life as a partner. I can't stay in the middle here. I don't feel like she is being consistent in the words she has told me through out all of these years. So it is all starting to feel fake as I begin to grow and change in this world.

 

The key operative in life partner is "life". I don't know what you're waiting for. The world is full of people who you can actually meet and interact with. Who actually have human companionship to offer.

 

This just makes me worry about you, man. I don't know how you could even accept such a "relationship" in the first place without having serious self-esteem issues, or feeling incredibly isolated from the world.

 

You're not worthless, or unworthy of real people. There's hundreds of millions of people who live in poverty and squalor, and that doesn't make them undeserving of basic human companionship. Life finds a way.

 

But the thing is I know she needs me in her life. We talked yesterday and she made that clear. She needs me and she feels like I'm abandoning her.

 

If she needed you in her life, how has she gotten through the last six years of never so much as seeing you? She doesn't need you in her life at all.

 

I feel stuck. I feel like I'm supposed to be a bigger person than all of this and just be there for her if I really love her.

 

But if she really needs me (and no one else) then she should let this go further than friendship right?

 

I'm putting my life on hold for her and It hurts to keep waiting.

 

Take it from someone who you've spent exactly as much time with as this girl/woman. Your time is way, way, WAY too valuable to be frittering away on this nonexistent relationship.

 

Don't get down on yourself, for having feelings for a pen pal. It's water under the bridge. Time to spread your wings and move on.

[spiderowl]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I've been in a similar position. I was at times led to believe it was more than an online friendship, but it never developed. He too does not understand why I cannot continue. I'm just not prepared to continue feeling hurt.

 

I don't think it's about whether you are a proper friend or not. It is too intimate a situation to continue just as friends. A real emotional connection is very hard to find. If she wants to chat so regularly then it is at the least a very close friendship. If you cannot cope with being that close yet the friendship not developing then you need to protect yourself. Sometimes you can't just be a friend. I have found that, despite trying. The other person has to take responsibility too and keep it strictly friends rather than give mixed or suggestive messages. If it has been a mixture, then it is not surprising you got drawn in.

 

Protect your heart. You will miss her like nothing else, but I do think it is sometimes necessary to draw a line under a 'friendship' if you know you will always been drawn in in a painful way.

[SammySammy]

It can grow. Into a better friendship.

 

All friendships don't become romances. That's an unrealistic expectation.

 

Can't expect a lily to turn into a rose. Appreciate it for what it is.

[Ultraviolence]

So you've never met her.

 

 

 

Minus the most basic aspects of human interaction.

 

 

 

Why? You've never done anything with this person that people in relationships do. Forget going on dates, trips, adventures of some kind, dancing, cuddling, kissing, sex, whatever. You've never even looked at her.

 

 

 

But it hasn't gone anywhere in 6 years. Why would you think that something that has gone nowhere in 6 years, is going to go somewhere in year 7? You're on pace to kiss her after what, 25 years?

 

 

 

Oh, I totally believe you did your best. That doesn't mean what you were doing was ever a good idea in the first place.

 

 

 

This person is a pen pal. Why are you expecting anything from a pen pal? Forget relationship - how could they possibly be much of a friend? They aren't there to share experiences with. And you've never shared experiences with them.

 

 

 

So move on. It's not on her to end it. It's on you to stop subjecting yourself to such emotional trauma over nothing. Why are you subjecting yourself to "feeling hurt"? What the hell are you getting out of this arrangement?

 

I hate to sound harsh, but idk if anyone's going to tell you this, so I'm putting it out there. You deserve better. I don't even know you, and I know you deserve better.

 

 

 

The key operative in life partner is "life". I don't know what you're waiting for. The world is full of people who you can actually meet and interact with. Who actually have human companionship to offer.

 

This just makes me worry about you, man. I don't know how you could even accept such a "relationship" in the first place without having serious self-esteem issues, or feeling incredibly isolated from the world.

 

You're not worthless, or unworthy of real people. There's hundreds of millions of people who live in poverty and squalor, and that doesn't make them undeserving of basic human companionship. Life finds a way.

 

 

 

If she needed you in her life, how has she gotten through the last six years of never so much as seeing you? She doesn't need you in her life at all.

 

 

 

Take it from someone who you've spent exactly as much time with as this girl/woman. Your time is way, way, WAY too valuable to be frittering away on this nonexistent relationship.

 

Don't get down on yourself, for having feelings for a pen pal. It's water under the bridge. Time to spread your wings and move on.

 

Thank you very much for your time and honest advice, I really appreciate it. You're right that I am a very insecure person and have isolated myself from society for so long now. I just started taking the steps to get myself out there (I forced myself to join a yoga class yesterday and will be going everyday if I can) and know it's going to be hard as hell to integrate myself back into society.

 

I'll be honest and tell you what really triggered this. I made a thread before here talking about how she left for vacation for 2 months. I feel like such an ***hole for doing this while shes on vacation. I did my ****ing best to hold it inside and just keep it for when she got back but I really am going through a mental war right now.

 

I've just been thinking a lot about life and how superficial and "fake" everything is. I really did believe we were close. But as sad and pathetic as this makes me sound, the thing that triggered this was her subtly "hinting" through a joke that shes sleeping with guys there. I knew she would be but I really didn't need or want to hear it. She just subconsciously had some need to bring that up to me. I think I am a weak person for letting that get to me because I told myself I shouldn't let it.

 

It's just pretty ****ing sad to think about the fact that I'm being "beaten" by guys that don't really care about her. It makes me feel like complete ****. It makes me feel like I'm being used and I feel like a cuck. The sad part is I have tried to end this before for the same reasons and she really doesn't doesn't want this to end. I don't think shes trying to be manipulative or trying to use me. She just wants me to be in her life under these circumstances. But it really isn't good enough for me and I don't know if I'm being extremely selfish here. She has been there for me when I was extremely depressed and balanced my life out. Without her being there from the start my life would have been misery for the past years. Now that I'm older, I have more strength to move on. But I feel like I owe her for the past. So I'm having a hard time calling this. I don't know if I'm just being the biggest ***hole on the planet.

 

Thanks again for the advice. It really helps.

[Ultraviolence]

It can grow. Into a better friendship.

 

All friendships don't become romances. That's an unrealistic expectation.

 

Can't expect a lily to turn into a rose. Appreciate it for what it is.

 

This is what is giving me second thoughts about all of this. I've gotten to the point now where I'm pretty much telling her that this needs to evolve into more than online for us to stay together. I honestly cannot tell if I'm making one massive mistake here. I could regret this for the rest of my life. At this point I've pretty much pushed my chips all in in believing that if she really meant all of the words she has told me in the past, that she will make the decision to keep in her life and let it evolve. I don't know what to do.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't know if it's a matter of right or wrong. You want something more than an online friendship with this girl. She wants only online friendship. I think you need to let her go, and find someone local who can give you what you want.

 

People talk about slipping into the friend zone. You moved in there, bought up the land and built luxury condos in the friend zone.

 

If you want to date a woman make your expectations more clear and unambiguous from the start. Don't expect to start a friendship and hope one day to wake up and have it bloom into a relationship.

[Ultraviolence]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I've been in a similar position. I was at times led to believe it was more than an online friendship, but it never developed. He too does not understand why I cannot continue. I'm just not prepared to continue feeling hurt.

 

I don't think it's about whether you are a proper friend or not. It is too intimate a situation to continue just as friends. A real emotional connection is very hard to find. If she wants to chat so regularly then it is at the least a very close friendship. If you cannot cope with being that close yet the friendship not developing then you need to protect yourself. Sometimes you can't just be a friend. I have found that, despite trying. The other person has to take responsibility too and keep it strictly friends rather than give mixed or suggestive messages. If it has been a mixture, then it is not surprising you got drawn in.

 

Protect your heart. You will miss her like nothing else, but I do think it is sometimes necessary to draw a line under a 'friendship' if you know you will always been drawn in in a painful way.

 

Thank you very much, I resonate with everything you've said. It's an extremely tough situation to be in. My mind keeps jumping back and forth. Thinking of the past, the things she has said to me. I just wish I felt like those feelings were consistent. Right now they don't seem to be at all which is why I don't know if I can continue this.

[Ultraviolence]

I don't know if it's a matter of right or wrong. You want something more than an online friendship with this girl. She wants only online friendship. I think you need to let her go, and find someone local who can give you what you want.

 

People talk about slipping into the friend zone. You moved in there, bought up the land and built luxury condos in the friend zone.

 

If you want to date a woman make your expectations more clear and unambiguous from the start. Don't expect to start a friendship and hope one day to wake up and have it bloom into a relationship.

 

Yeah... I feel like I failed her now. For letting it get to this point. Because through out the years I have seen other guys fall "in love" with her and I told myself, I shouldn't be that guy. Right now I am being that ****ing guy. It makes me sick.

 

I think I failed her hard. I was supposed to be strong.

[spiderowl]

For me it had to come down to how I felt. It was a rollercoaster of emotions and I knew it was not going to change. He said something one day that was harsh and destroyed all hope. He still thought it would be ok though. It might have been for him but it was just hurting me. I have since chatted to people who do want more than online friendship. It is definitely more uplifting than feeling at someone else's mercy emotionally.

[Ultraviolence]

For me it had to come down to how I felt. It was a rollercoaster of emotions and I knew it was not going to change. He said something one day that was harsh and destroyed all hope. He still thought it would be ok though. It might have been for him but it was just hurting me. I have since chatted to people who do want more than online friendship. It is definitely more uplifting than feeling at someone else's mercy emotionally.

 

Thank you, I should consider myself too. It's not something I have done a lot in this friendship.