LoveStinks8 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Okay guys, I need some advice about if my uncertainty should be considered as a red flag to myself or if it's just the normal jitters. So quick background. I was with a guy for nearly 5 years though high school/early adulthood. When we broke up (basically we just grew out of each other) then I started dating a toxic guy who jumped back and forth between me and his ex for well over a year and I'll be the first to admit that he messed with my head pretty bad. To this day he still claims to be more in love with me than he's been with anyone ever before (we are not in contact on a daily basis, or even weekly for that matter, we just have mutual friends). So that's the quick notes on the past. Now up to the present. I've met this guy who treats me like gold, and I feel more weird about it than I'd ever expect to. I had accepted that I was going to be single for a while longer. I had long term (as in 1-2 years) plans that involved just myself. Nothing I can't do with a partner, but u wanted to do them on my own. This guy sort of came out of nowhere and is the old fashion romantic type of guy. Flowers, holding doors, cleaning up for me when I'm tired, etc. In the aspect of his respect for a woman he is perfect. I, however, keep bouncing between liking him and wanting to push him away. I know getting to know someone is never easy but I find myself aggravated by his presence sometimes. Like he's invading my personal space. I also get annoyed by one of his biggest interests. It's something that I don't mind being exposed to (it's nothing bad lol) once in a while but long term talk about it bores me. I can't figure out if I'm so unsure and hesitant because I am used to that giddy schoolgirl feeling where I absolutely can't wait to see my crush again and I don't have that this time so does that mean he isn't the one? Or am I unsure and hesitant because I had outlined a short timeline that only included myself and after being hurt the thought of sharing my life with someone scares me? I seriously don't understand myself right now. I've never had someone treat me so well as he does, and the only fear I can explain to myself is that I am scared that the chivalry will wear off after I've given my heart to him, but it still doesn't explain why I miss him and look forward to seeing him and then sigh and drag my feel when I actually get to see him? It's like I like this guy as long as he isn't in my personal space. I can't decide if it's a flashing neon light saying run, he isn't the one, or just me being settled into a life alone and not really knowing how to be someone's girlfriend anymore. Thoughts??
Scarlett.O'hara Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Only you can answer why you feel so uncertain. Perhaps you miss the intensity from the drama and uncertainty from your previous relationship, or maybe this just isn't the right guy for you? My advice would be to just take things slowly with this new guy until you feel more certain about your feelings one way or the other.
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 The giddy school girl butterflies are a fantasy -- a Hollywood construct. Good love makes you feel solid, grounded & treasured not dizzy. Not liking his hobby is no big deal. It will be something he does alone. 247 togetherness with all your interests lock step is co-dependence not love. One of my EXs fished. I hate fish. I'd go when it suited me. which was not often, & read a book on the beach. I never went when it was cold. My husband loved multi-player war games. Yuck. We have never done that together & probably never will. Why do you need to know now if he's "the one"? Enjoy time with him. Stop rushing & projecting. 2
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 The thing that stood out for me is when you said he annoyes you. For this reason I think you like the idea of having a gentleman around but you are not too much into *him*. I am all for letting feelings grow with time but there has to be a mutual respect and the fact you find him annoying at times, to me, indicates you don't have that 'type' of respect toward him. 2
caveman621 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Were you're past relationships really toxic? Maybe alcohol and or drugs? Not trying to be all therapy dude here, but my current GF says that her father was an alcoholic. She had a long term relationships with a drug addict and one with an alcoholic. Lots of therapy later. She was used to all kinds of drama in relationships she grew up with, so seemed normal to her. In a perverted way even exciting. So it was tough for her to give up the "excitement" of an unstable partner, but she has learned and we are very happy now. So, if you like him, stay in the relationship. Nothing says you have to move in or marry him, ya know! See if you have fun. No need to make a decision right away. 1
Author LoveStinks8 Posted July 12, 2017 Author Posted July 12, 2017 Thanks everyone. My last relationship landed me in therapy for a few months and still messes with my head so I'd consider it toxic. I think you're right in saying I am in love with the idea of a gentleman but not so much with him. I want to give him a chance but I also don't want to lead him on when I just really don't know, if that makes sense. I've told him how I feel but he doesn't seem to register it and just keeps saying that he'll wait instead of seeming to understand that it's more of an if and not a when kind of situation. I just don't feel right about the fact that I'm rolling my eyes and sighing when he asks to come over. I mean he's a sweet guy and I don't mind his company but nothing about him being around excites me. I'm like that with everyone right now though, so I feel bad pushing him away because I know I have depression issues I need to work through, but I also feel bad at the thought of him hanging around for a few months and me saying I just don't like him like that at the end of it. There's just always been a sort of excitement with any other guy I've had an interest in in the past and this time I just would rather be left alone
Scarlett.O'hara Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 At a bare minimum you should look forward to seeing the guy you're dating, not rolling your eyes when he suggests it. It sounds pretty clear that you're really not really interested in this guy so it is probably best that you stop dating him now before he gets hurt. 1
preraph Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 In my limited exposure to "good as gold" type guys, which is mainly through an uncle and a friend's husband, I can tell you that the ones who try so hard, yes, also are "too present" and too right in the middle of you for my tastes. So I think it's just the way he is. He is very involved making you happy in the tangible ways but may be oblivious that it can be smothering. I think you need to give some thought to how to discuss this with him without making him feel hurt. It will take starting every sentence with "I love how you" and then adding that it's not necessary all the time. That's one approach. Another is to nicely start speaking up on the smallest things that you find irritating. So for example, if he is shadowing you everywhere you go in the house, tell him, "Oh, no, don't get up. No, I'm not playing. Sit still." or "I wish I liked (his hobby) as much as you do, but I have to confess a little goes a long way with me, you know, like how you feel when I talk about my pedicure (or whatever). Also, encourage him to get out of the house and be more active on his own or with friends out of the house. Tell him, "One of my things lately is I am needing a little more 'me time' and it makes me appreciate you more when I get it. Like today, I just want to sit on the couch and read and maybe go get my nails done" and then bring dinner home for us later." I mean, think about what it is you need to tweak and how to nicely do that. You can't stay with someone you're afraid to communicate your needs to. And always say nice things about him when others are around and keep the "I need" stuff to when it's just you two. And if he goes down without a fight and gives you some space, then reward him for that. Reward good behavior and subtly ignore irritating behavior. You can try all that and then if you still feel it's just not something you can live with, at least you'll know you gave it your best shot.
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 I just don't feel right about the fact that I'm rolling my eyes and sighing when he asks to come over. This is aweful. Please let this poor guy go. How would you feel if the guy you like rolled his eyes at the thought of spending time with you. 2
TaylorW Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 Did you have the personal space thing in the beginning of your past relationships or is it only with this guy?
DashRiprock Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 Op, Your reaction to this guy is not surprising. He is NO CHALLENGE to you. Attraction is not a cognitive thought process but 100% subconscious. He's at your beck and call and basically your personal wait staff and companion. 99% of women would "friend" him in a second but wouldn't feel that hot attraction for him--which isn't Hollywood fantasy, BTW. If I were this guy's dating coach and read your post before meeting with him, the first things I would tell him are to man up, quit supplicating, and stop being such a beta male. Get a life outside of your gf. I'm not saying to be an a-hole, but women don't respect weak men who to try to "please" all time. Your reaction to him is 100% normal. Guys like this rarely change. Most women want a guy with three main components: Confidence, (Self) Control, and Challenge (his own man, not a push over). Your man *may* have some Control but clearly lacks the other two. I would friend him and move on. Find someone who lights your fire. They're out there--guaranteed. Good luck, Dash 1
Author LoveStinks8 Posted July 13, 2017 Author Posted July 13, 2017 Thanks everyone. Your advice and insight actually really help. The more this goes on the more I can't handle it, and it sucks because he is a good guy, but I just don't see me being happy long term and I'd rather cut him off now before it goes too far. He makes me smile but not in that "I can see us together and happy" kind of way. I hate that I don't like what treats me well, it literally is no fun being the girl that likes the bad boy but this guy is suffocating me and doesn't seem to understand when I ask him to back off. We aren't talking about a guy I've been with for a few months and am questioning long term. We're talking about spending a few WEEKS hanging out, I haven't even kissed the guy, and he just asked me if we could cancel our weekend plans so we could stay home and cuddle instead. He also shows up at my work all of the time when I'm trying to.. Ya know.. Work... I have a big personal bubble. I'm having a hard time letting someone into it in the first place let alone having someone leap into it head first. He deserves someone who gets excited for his company and I deserve someone who I'm excited to see... Now I just have to figure out how to let this sweetheart of a guy down because he's just too "sweet" I guess
healing light Posted July 14, 2017 Posted July 14, 2017 This is not a case of not liking him because he's treating you well. This is a case of feeling smothered by someone. Typically when we're truly into someone we have a higher tolerance for their invasion of our personal space, but it's never attractive to feel like their entire happiness/life revolves around you. Sometimes you want to dip your toe into the water to get a test for whether you prefer the temperature. That same water coming at you like a tidal wave would send you running for the hills. I think that's what is happening with this guy. You're not even sure you like him and he's being super needy and smothering, which turns you off.
MountainGirl111 Posted July 15, 2017 Posted July 15, 2017 (edited) Oh dear, if you are already "annoyed" and rolling your eyes at the thought of spending time with him, I'm afraid this doesn't bode well for what's in store. Overall, I'd say you're just not that into him. And if he goes on and on about his hobby that you're sort of bored by hearing about? Hmmm. Sounds like as much as he dotes on you he also doesn't mind taking up your time talking about himself. Is he really as selfless as he is coming across right now? Maybe he's just showering you with attention to get you hooked and win you over. It almost seems like "too much" though, know what I mean? A person should just be their self and sort of at ease and not try so hard to please someone. Yes, in relationships there is a certain amount of pleasing one another that goes on. But this sounds a bit over the top and that can actually be a red flag when someone love-bombs you like that at the start. Edited July 15, 2017 by MountainGirl111
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