Hot and Cold... beyond frustrated

July 16, 2017

asked to see me on Saturday (yesterday). I kind of agreed but told him I might be busy with studying so we will see. Then, he texted me when he got home, texted me good night, texted me the entire day on Friday (sending million kissy emoji).
On Saturday, he was little busy doing some work on his car but he still kept asking how my day was going (like every few hours). Around 5 pm, I had an appointment for a massage and he asked if I was there.

OP, really?

You gave a tentative "we will see" about Saturday, and by 5 pm, you had not confirmed anything despite him being in touch throughout the day. Then you're upset he didn't jump to respond to you. Is that correct?

Did you ever actually tell him you'd be free to hang out after all? Or just expected him to wait around all day for you to make up your mind?

I don't get it, and I don't think he is thrilled about it either. I have to wonder if he's trying to give you a taste of your own medicine, in some misguided way.

July 16, 2017

OMG, I am speechless. Hope this will help you understand why i am being so cynical and as someone said have no empathy, even though this guy's father is sick.
He just texted me. So, after not replying to my text at 6pm, then to another one at 9pm that we kind of talked of getting together that evening, i texted if everything was ok this morning.
HIS REPLY: Good morning (kiss emoji). Sorry about last night. what are you doing today?

:mad:

Told ya. Something better came up last night.

July 16, 2017

OP, really?

You gave a tentative "we will see" about Saturday, and by 5 pm, you had not confirmed anything despite him being in touch throughout the day. Then you're upset he didn't jump to respond to you. Is that correct?

Did you ever actually tell him you'd be free to hang out after all? Or just expected him to wait around all day for you to make up your mind?

I don't get it, and I don't think he is thrilled about it either. I have to wonder if he's trying to give you a taste of your own medicine, in some misguided way.

i wasnt sure if I would need to study on Sat and since i already saw him on Thursday it was up in the air. He never mentioned it again, I didn't either. But that is not the problem, if he made other plans fine, but just disappearing, ignoring me, out of radar....

And this morning text... wtf?

July 16, 2017

Told ya. Something better came up last night.

I get what you are saying but something is off here. See, he did this last weekend too. Never replied on Sat night, was kind of cold on Sunday, and then completely normal during the entire week. He would text me all the time, be available for a date any day and any time that works for me and also suggested a date on Sat night too.

if there was someone else... IDK

July 16, 2017

I understand you all saying we are not compatible or that I reached out to him because I was lonely. Yes but...
I never fell for him but...
I liked him, I was definitely attracted to him but...
Now, I know I could have asked if we were still on for the date but
I felt lonely but

but nothing.

You're not compatible, you were lonely, liked him and were attracted to him, yet you never fell for him and you could have taken initiative about the date--yet you didn't. Those are the truths about where you dropped the ball in all of this. What follows after the word "but" are excuses and irrelevant justifications.

OMG, I am speechless. Hope this will help you understand why i am being so cynical and as someone said have no empathy, even though this guy's father is sick. He just texted me. So, after not replying to my text at 6pm, then to another one at 9pm that we kind of talked of getting together that evening, i texted if everything was ok this morning.
HIS REPLY: Good morning (kiss emoji). Sorry about last night. what are you doing today?

I don't see it.

You said:

asked to see me on Saturday (yesterday). I kind of agreed but told him I might be busy with studying so we will see. (H)e still kept asking how my day was going (like every few hours). Around 5 pm, I had an appointment for a massage and he asked if I was there.

You didn't confirm any plans. Not only that, he was checking in with you all day but you were ignoring him, so what other conclusion should he have drawn based on what you just said happened?

You left it open ended and didn't commit to a time even up to an hour before you claim you two were supposed to be going out.

He has a life and went on with living it. I'd have done the same thing.

Edited July 16, 2017 by kendahke

July 16, 2017

but nothing.

You're not compatible, you were lonely, liked him and were attracted to him, yet you never fell for him and you could have taken initiative about the date--yet you didn't. Those are the truths about where you dropped the ball in all of this. What follows after the word "but" are excuses and irrelevant justifications.

I don't see it.

You said:
You didn't confirm any plans. Not only that, he was checking in with you all day but you were ignoring him, so what other conclusion should he have drawn based on what you just said happened?

You left it open ended and didn't commit to a time even up to an hour before you claim you two were supposed to be going out.

He has a life and went on with living it. I'd have done the same thing.

Wouldn't a simple "Hey, we never confirmed the plans so I went out. Good night" be appropriate. I was going to ask him how he felt about going out with me, if that was still on after the massage appointment. But he ignored my text "what are you up to?" I think I was upfront with going out in the sense that I have to see how my studying progresses. But he decided to shut me down at 6pm

July 16, 2017

He just responded. i actually called him 30 min ago, he didnt pick up and now he texted me that his brothers got into an argument and that it got weird. He has two brothers and they usually hang out on the weekends but still... sounds like BS to me. Last weekend it was his dad who has been sick for the past 6 years but all of a sudden it interferes with our communication (and that is only on the weekends).

July 16, 2017

Wouldn't a simple "Hey, we never confirmed the plans so I went out. Good night" be appropriate.

that should have come from you.

YOU are the one who was radio silent all day on Saturday, not him.

I was going to ask him how he felt about going out with me, if that was still on after the massage appointment. But he ignored my text "what are you up to?" I think I was upfront with going out in the sense that I have to see how my studying progresses. But he decided to shut me down at 6pm

Was there any reason throughout the day on Saturday that you couldn't have texted him "studying is a grind, but I'm getting through it. Looking forward to seeing you tonight. When and where are we meeting?"

Had you said this, you'd have way firmer ground for your grievance to stand up.

As it is right now, it's built on sand and your arguments are crumbling beneath your feet.

This whole mess is a lesson in wasted indignation based upon you not owning your voice and telling him what you need from him and when he doesn't deliver it, you shut down the dang candy shack and move on.

This is why they say "idleness is the devil's workshop". Do something else to alleviate your boredom and quit looking to this guy to save you from yourself.

Edited July 16, 2017 by kendahke

July 16, 2017

I agree with the others regarding your saturday night plans. You are looking to blame him but you are just as much at fault (more IMO). He's right to have moved on with his night--your behavior yesterday was self-indulgent and jerking him around and not respectful of his time. You didn't want to even decide whether or not Saturday was for sure until you figured out what was going on with your studying, yet you made time for a massage (also knowing you wouldn't be reachable during that time) and STILL didn't have the courtesy to let him know what was going on with potential saturday night plans. Where does that leave him in your priority list & taking him for granted? To an outsider and perhaps to him, you are all about yourself. I think he did the right thing by moving on with his night and not opening the door for you again last night by being unreachable. That you got a text this am, just shows that he likes you and doesn't want to fight with you but isn't going to mess with your nonsense this time around.

July 16, 2017

that should have come from you.

YOU are the one who was radio silent all day on Saturday, not him.

Was there any reason throughout the day on Saturday that you couldn't have texted him "studying is a grind, but I'm getting through it. Looking forward to seeing you tonight. When and where are we meeting?"

Had you said this, you'd have way firmer ground for your grievance to stand up.

As it is right now, it's built on sand and your arguments are crumbling beneath your feet.

This whole mess is a lesson in wasted indignation based upon you not owning your voice and telling him what you need from him and when he doesn't deliver it, you shut down the dang candy shack and move on.

This is why they say "idleness is the devil's workshop". Do something else to alleviate your boredom and quit looking to this guy to save you from yourself.

I wasn't sure if it was a smart idea to see him on sat night. I have the exam coming and I am also super tired and hurt all over my body (over-worked I guess). so, when I realized I wasnt making any progress with my studies, I book a massage and was going to talk to him about our date. and i kept replying to every text he sent through out the day. He just never asked about the date and i was waiting to see, how I felt after the massage.

July 16, 2017

I agree with the others regarding your saturday night plans. You are looking to blame him but you are just as much at fault (more IMO). He's right to have moved on with his night--your behavior yesterday was self-indulgent and jerking him around and not respectful of his time. You didn't want to even decide whether or not Saturday was for sure until you figured out what was going on with your studying, yet you made time for a massage (also knowing you wouldn't be reachable during that time) and STILL didn't have the courtesy to let him know what was going on with potential saturday night plans. Where does that leave him in your priority list & taking him for granted? To an outsider and perhaps to him, you are all about yourself. I think he did the right thing by moving on with his night and not opening the door for you again last night by being unreachable. That you got a text this am, just shows that he likes you and doesn't want to fight with you but isn't going to mess with your nonsense this time around.

Ok, I think I get it now. But I still believe that he should have talked to me. Let me know that he had already made plans and moved on with his night, whatever. Let me know that i was too late to reach out... Ignoring me completely is just... i didnt do anything on purpose, I just work a lot and I go to school. School has been really stressful lately and even when I get a day off to study, I am either falling asleep or hurting.

This week i spent 2 days, 12 hours shift at clinicals (on my feet) and then, I waitressed for another 8 hours (both days). Yes, i needed that massage.

July 16, 2017

I wasn't sure if it was a smart idea to see him on sat night. I have the exam coming and I am also super tired and hurt all over my body (over-worked I guess). so, when I realized I wasnt making any progress with my studies, I book a massage .

Then you really don't have a grievance. This is all about you punishing him.

and i kept replying to every text he sent through out the day. He just never asked about the date and i was waiting to see, how I felt after the massage.

None of those replies were "When and where are we meeting?", the answer to which was really the only response you were interested in reading.

July 16, 2017

Then you really don't have a grievance. This is all about you punishing him.

None of those replies were "When and where are we meeting?", the answer to which was really the only response you were interested in reading.

My only grievance is about him ignoring my texts the entire night, and going to bed without saying good night. That never happened before (except for last and this Sat). As for a date, we can only set up a new one during the next week, not a big deal.

July 16, 2017

Ok, I think I get it now. But I still believe that he should have talked to me. Let me know that he had already made plans and moved on with his night, whatever. Let me know that i was too late to reach out... Ignoring me completely is just... i didnt do anything on purpose, I just work a lot and I go to school. School has been really stressful lately and even when I get a day off to study, I am either falling asleep or hurting.

This week i spent 2 days, 12 hours shift at clinicals (on my feet) and then, I waitressed for another 8 hours (both days). Yes, i needed that massage.

You are not really seeing things from his point of view. You could have told HIM as you were going into the massage what your final decision was or that you hadn't still made up your mind. After all, the DECISION was in your court. It's courteous, it's how you treat someone you care about and value your time with (and have a resurrected relationship with!). You had time to idle chit chat with him throughout the day (he was probably actually doing that hoping you would say your answer about the night).

Like we said at beginning of his thread, he may do immature things and be resentful also but it doesn't absolve you from doing also things that are immature and cause resentment. And you are looking to only blame him, excuse yourself and fail to see and fix your shortcomings. Not a good recipe to fix this romance. So you needed the massage? And??? Does not prevent you from telling him what is going on with your night and respecting his time. As someone with very little free, fun time you should be extra cognizant of that I would think.

He knew if he answered you would probably waver, hem&haw, and jerk him around some more, waste his time. He may have just ended up doing barely anything but wanted to teach you a lesson. (i would have done the same). Today he gave you the best excuse he could come up with so as not to have a new fight (probably was an exaggeration or not true). This is a sign he wants to be non-confrontational and move on (but probably hopes you learned a lesson). You sound like you are busy and under some emotional stress--well so is he by what you have described here but it doesn't seem like you are considering it much at all, only yourself. You are both being hot and cold--I'm very surprised you can't see that.

July 16, 2017

Ok, I think I get it now. But

again... but nothing. Own your responsibility for your part of what devolved instead of trying to pin all the blame on him. You sound like a child who broke mom's dish but want to blame it on your imaginary friend.

I still believe that he should have talked to me. Let me know that he had already made plans and moved on with his night, whatever. Let me know that i was too late to reach out... Ignoring me completely is just... i didnt do anything on purpose, I just work a lot and I go to school. School has been really stressful lately and even when I get a day off to study, I am either falling asleep or hurting.

He. Did. Not. Ignore. You. Completely.

He spoke with you all day long, asking how you were doing. You chose ignore the date issue, yet you had enough energy to book a massage and take yourself there.

Sand, foundation, crumble.

This week i spent 2 days, 12 hours shift at clinicals (on my feet) and then, I waitressed for another 8 hours (both days). Yes, i needed that massage.

You also needed to tell him what time and where you wanted to rendezvous for the date.

July 16, 2017

My only grievance is about him ignoring my texts the entire night, and going to bed without saying good night. That never happened before (except for last and this Sat). As for a date, we can only set up a new one during the next week, not a big deal.

This guy isn't even your boyfriend. No declaration has been made in that vein.

He's just a dude you used to date, broke up with and are only dealing with him because you're bored. He's dealing with you as a chick he used to date, broke up with and is dealing with her once again, but isn't going to make her a priority because she's got too much going on in her life like he's got too much going on in his life.

July 16, 2017

I would add that being kinda strung along all day like that & time disrespected maybe he didn't FEEL like talking with you/texting with you at the end of the night. It's exhausting doing all the good night beautiful when it's not genuine as in you felt disrespected and not prioritized by this girl all day (i think it's lame overall but that's another story). Also maybe he just wanted to have some fun on a saturday night? He gave you first shot and you didn't take it. So moved onto his brothers or by himself rather than be messed around. Didn't now want to interrupt his night to soothe your emotions and pump up your ego after you dissed him. Just insight into what his probable thought process could have been.

July 16, 2017

This guy isn't even your boyfriend. No declaration has been made in that vein.

He's just a dude you used to date, broke up with and are only dealing with him because you're bored. He's dealing with you as a chick he used to date, broke up with and is dealing with her once again, but isn't going to make her a priority because she's got too much going on in her life like he's got too much going on in his life.

Agreed. At this rate, she is gonna run the reconciliation right into the rocks. Doesn't get it though.

July 16, 2017

I would add that being kinda strung along all day like that & time disrespected maybe he didn't FEEL like talking with you/texting with you at the end of the night. It's exhausting doing all the good night beautiful when it's not genuine as in you felt disrespected and not prioritized by this girl all day (i think it's lame overall but that's another story). Also maybe he just wanted to have some fun on a saturday night? He gave you first shot and you didn't take it. So moved onto his brothers or by himself rather than be messed around. Didn't now want to interrupt his night to soothe your emotions and pump up your ego after you dissed him. Just insight into what his probable thought process could have been.

Yeah, maybe ,probably. If he only sent me a text to confirm the date (or to confirm not having a date, we would have avoided this drama). I can't read his mind. He briefly mentioned Sat date during our Thursday date but I had no idea he was waiting for me to bring it up.

)

July 16, 2017

I get what you are saying but something is off here. See, he did this last weekend too. Never replied on Sat night, was kind of cold on Sunday, and then completely normal during the entire week. He would text me all the time, be available for a date any day and any time that works for me and also suggested a date on Sat night too.

if there was someone else... IDK

I would bet he is also seeing someone else and didn't know if she would be available for Sat night so he booked you and then she became available and that's why he was MIA Sat night.

July 16, 2017

I would bet he is also seeing someone else and didn't know if she would be available for Sat night so he booked you and then she became available and that's why he was MIA Sat night.

I highly doubt it for some reason. On the other hand he did something similar last Sat (last text was around 9pm.). But then, he was in touch with me every few hours for the entire week up to 6pm on Sat.

July 16, 2017

i wasnt sure if I would need to study on Sat and since i already saw him on Thursday it was up in the air. He never mentioned it again, I didn't either. But that is not the problem, if he made other plans fine, but just disappearing, ignoring me, out of radar....
And this morning text... wtf?

OP, come on.

You need to learn to communicate much more clearly before you go throwing stones. You can't leave him hanging all day and then send him "I thought we were hanging out" and get your shorts in a twist when he's found something else to do and doesn't respond. You didn't make any plans with him or confirm anything.

He can't read your mind either.

July 16, 2017

OP, come on.

You need to learn to communicate much more clearly before you go throwing stones. You can't leave him hanging all day and then send him "I thought we were hanging out" and get your shorts in a twist when he's found something else to do and doesn't respond. You didn't make any plans with him or confirm anything.

He can't read your mind either.

But no need to ignore me either. when i asked what are you up to, simple hanging out with my brothers would be enough.

July 16, 2017

OP: Are you exclusive? If not, he really has no obligation to respond to your text right away. My guess is that he was out and having fun and didn't feel like responding to your trivial text (maybe with his brother or with another woman).

July 16, 2017

But no need to ignore me either. when i asked what are you up to, simple hanging out with my brothers would be enough.

Sure. It would have been considerate.

But it also would have been considerate of you to, you know, not keep him waiting all day wondering why you have made no mention of getting together that night. He got tired of waiting and found something else to do. That's what happens.

This is a very Pot-Kettle situation. You need much more insight into your own behaviour before this will ever get any better.

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Hot and Cold... beyond frustrated

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