Venusvenus Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Hi LS, I will try to keep this short and simple. I already broke up with this guy once before for the same reasons I will explain in the text below. Then, I got lonely, texted him again and he was more than willing to see me again, go out with me, and in general, acted like break up never happened. So, once I asked him out and we actually had a date (after the initial break up), he was pretty nice about it. He texted me every day (morning text, throughout the day and good night text), initiating 90% of the time. We only went out twice in two weeks because of my busy schedule, but he was consistent with talking to me. Then this past Saturday, I decided to text "good night" first. No response. In the morning, around 11am, he texted "good morning" and sent me a picture of his garage door that he was painting. But he was not his usual self, never asked about my day, plans, etc.... Then, i never heard from him till 11pm (this is very unusual). I was mad, but since I regretted dumping him on the spur of the moment last time (as i mentioned above, similar behavior happened few times before, and once I was fed up, I dumped him). So this time I decided to be nice about it. I sent him a text saying that I don't understand what is going on and that I am sorry he acts the way he does. No response. Today, the curiosity got better part of me and I texted him again asking what's going on. after I added a sad emoji, he replied saying that his father was very ill on Sunday and apologized for not getting back to me. Then, he said he wanted to see me and be together with me. We made plans for Thursday. This was around 1pm today. It is almost 9pm and I havent heard from him (unusual). Additional info: his father is very ill, bed-ridden and can't talk. I know this situation is very hard but it is not new. It's been going on for the last 6 years, and his father lives with his mother (the guy i am dating only visits them on the weekend). Again, I am aware of his situation but I am not sure how to approach his behavior. Btw, even the first time we dated only for few months and 90 % of the time he was perfect but with these kind of "episodes." If i remember other relevant info i will add it.
Fridita Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Hi! I think this is pretty normal. He is a man, he needs some space, and especially when his father is in this situation. I don't see anything strange or warning about his behavior.
MidwestUSA Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 I don't think he's going to be all in, sick father or not, when he's wondering if/when you're going to dump him again. You say he acted like the break up never happened. I disagree with that. You're going to have to give him time, and prove to him that you're all in. Right now, you're a wild card. Does he know the reason you got back in touch is simply that you were lonely? Sending that text, 'I am sorry he acts the way he does', should have nailed the coffin shut. He's probably not up for the drama. He's got quite enough going on with his father. 2
mikeylo Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 The precedent has been set and is continuing. If you want it to be changed, change it yourself. Might have to initiate this time around.
Lorenza Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Sorry if I misunderstood, but... Are you expecting him to text you all day long? And if he doesn't, you immediately confront with "What is going on"? 6
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 So, once I asked him out and we actually had a date (after the initial break up), he was pretty nice about it. He texted me every day (morning text, throughout the day and good night text), initiating 90% of the time. We only went out twice in two weeks because of my busy schedule, but he was consistent with talking to me. At what point do you think this 90% should become a 50-50% ? At some point a man also needs to feel appreciated. He has been doing 90% of the work and if he doesn't execute himself the way you want you hit him on the nose. No one, in a normal world, can text all day and keep it for months. Don't you both have jobs and laundry to do? Communicating once or twice a day should be sufficiant. This chatting all day is all about instant gratification. I was mad, but since I regretted dumping him on the spur of the moment last time (as i mentioned above, similar behavior happened few times before, and once I was fed up, I dumped him). So this time I decided to be nice about it. I sent him a text saying that I don't understand what is going on and that I am sorry he acts the way he does. No response. You call that a nice text? It's an accusation in disguise. Today, the curiosity got better part of me and I texted him again asking what's going on. after I added a sad emoji, he replied saying that his father was very ill on Sunday and apologized for not getting back to me. Then, he said he wanted to see me and be together with me. We made plans for Thursday. This was around 1pm today. It is almost 9pm and I havent heard from him (unusual). Again, how often should this man text you in a day? You have plans for Thursdays. Why do you still need to be speaking to him today? Over all I see a man that is luckywarm about you and I see a controlling woman. If this man isn't giving you satisfaction then go look for a better suited partner. The question is do you have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating? you need to answer that for yourself. I think you do. 5
salparadise Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Sorry if I misunderstood, but... Are you expecting him to text you all day long? And if he doesn't, you immediately confront with "What is going on"? Yup, that's what she said. She expects him to initiate texting morning, noon and night and several times in between... and she's pretty damn sure this is how it's supposed to be. Meanwhile, she remains on the verge of dumping him for the nth time for not meeting expectations. Where do these expectations come from? I keep seeing thread after thread where woman believe that a guy is supposed to deliver on such crazy expectations while she contributes nothing other than pushing his anxiety into the stratosphere. Poor guy. I hope he wakes up. 2
Versacehottie Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 I think you are using arbitrary and insignificant measures of texting frequency and PERFECTNESS (eye roll) to determine how much he cares for you and invested he is. He is probably testing you back (just like you are constantly testing him) to see if you can just "deal". I didn't really see anything disrespectful on uninterested from him in your description of what is going on. Just unrealistic standards you expect him to uphold (and perhaps he is rebelling against) about dumb things. Immature. I would start to value what he is like with you and how he actually shows he values your relationship as real measures of how much he is invested. If you need good morning and good night texts to assure you, this is not the guy. Go find a clingy one. 3
kendahke Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 (edited) So this time I decided to be nice about it. I sent him a text saying that I don't understand what is going on and that I am sorry he acts the way he does. No response.Oooh.. bad form. I wouldn't have dignified that with a response, either. You do understand what is going on. His dad is sick. You've been knowing that. What you're saying is his dad isn't that sick and if he is, he's got a wife to look after him and this guy doesn't need to be concerned about his father because you want a boyfriend/attention. That's how your post is coming across. Just because he doesn't live with him doesn't mean he's impervious to his family's concern. You are not a part of that immediate circle, nor should you be at this time. I think this guy has a lot on his plate and you are being extremely insensitive about it. Instead of forcing this fit, you need to find someone else with the time, focus and energy to give you what you need. This guy isn't there right now, nor should he be. He's got bigger fish to fry. Unrealistic expectations are resentments under construction. Edited July 11, 2017 by kendahke 4
smackie9 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 He's not being a bad person, he has something serious going on...obviously you are not so sympathetic to his situation so just move along and leave him be. You can't force the issue on him so date other people if you want your NEEDS fulfilled. 1
Author Venusvenus Posted July 12, 2017 Author Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) At what point do you think this 90% should become a 50-50% ? At some point a man also needs to feel appreciated. He has been doing 90% of the work and if he doesn't execute himself the way you want you hit him on the nose. No one, in a normal world, can text all day and keep it for months. Don't you both have jobs and laundry to do? Communicating once or twice a day should be sufficiant. This chatting all day is all about instant gratification. You call that a nice text? It's an accusation in disguise. Again, how often should this man text you in a day? You have plans for Thursdays. Why do you still need to be speaking to him today? Over all I see a man that is luckywarm about you and I see a controlling woman. If this man isn't giving you satisfaction then go look for a better suited partner. The question is do you have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating? you need to answer that for yourself. I think you do. I never wanted to text all day long. He is the one who set up the pattern. And this is not the phase when he can't keep up with it and is gradually slowing down. No, he would just go from texting me all day long for weeks to not texting me at all. How is that not strange? I understand his family issues but at least he could let me know he is stressed and needs to cool down or something. Also, he would ask me out all the time (and we do go out often), and then there would be a week when he would cancel the date, reschedule it and then avoid me the entire day (day of the date). Edited July 12, 2017 by Venusvenus
ExpatInItaly Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I don't think you two are compatible. Why exactly did you go back for more if you were unhappy with him the first time around? 4
Gaeta Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I never wanted to text all day long. He is the one who set up the pattern. And this is not the phase when he can't keep up with it and is gradually slowing down. No, he would just go from texting me all day long for weeks to not texting me at all. How is that not strange? I understand his family issues but at least he could let me know he is stressed and needs to cool down or something. Also, he would ask me out all the time (and we do go out often), and then there would be a week when he would cancel the date, reschedule it and then avoid me the entire day (day of the date). How long did you date him the first time around? and how long it's been this time?
kendahke Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 He is the one who set up the pattern. But it's not like you didn't know that he is like this. If this was your first time with this, I'd say you'd have a legitimate complaint. But seeing that this is your second attempt with a guy who has done nothing remotely like self awareness work or therapy to squash behavior that is serving to his detriment as far as relationships are concerned, I'm left wondering exactly what you thought was going to happen in the absence of him having done any sort of work to resolve this pattern of behavior? What exactly did you think time away was going to solve, in and of its own? And this is not the phase when he can't keep up with it and is gradually slowing down. No, he would just go from texting me all day long for weeks to not texting me at all. How is that not strange? But this isn't something that was sprung on you 2 days ago. What is strange is that you expect him to be someone he's not just because you let it drop for a time and took it back up out of loneliness. Aren't there other guys you could be investing in? I understand his family issues but at least he could let me know he is stressed and needs to cool down or something. Also, he would ask me out all the time (and we do go out often), and then there would be a week when he would cancel the date, reschedule it and then avoid me the entire day (day of the date). You are basically wanting him to flip into someone he has already shown you last time around that he has no intention on being with/for you. That guy who texts often and doesn't vanish without notice? It ain't this guy. You need to go find that guy and leave this one alone.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 It seems to me that you two are not in the places in your lives that would support a successful relationship. He has a sick father and is tending to him. I don't know if his lack of communication does or does not have to do with his father's illness, but he is what he is and you do not accept that. It is time to let him go for good, I think. Remember, you're desire to contact him again had to do with the fact that you were lonely. That should never be the foundation to create a healthy relationship nor contact someone you know doesn't meet your needs. 1
Author Venusvenus Posted July 12, 2017 Author Posted July 12, 2017 How long did you date him the first time around? and how long it's been this time? The first time it was for only three months and we are both very busy. This time, we only went out twice over the period of two weeks. I understand you all saying we are not compatible or that I reached out to him because I was lonely. Yes but... I never fell for him but did I really had a chance when we dated first time. Not really. I liked him, I was definitely attracted to him but I was also taking it slowly and then one week he was different, the next one he was back to normal. When I asked him about it, he said he slowed down because he didn't want to be the one to always reach out first. Then he was ok for a month and did the same thing again, just this time it was that he cancelled the date, rescheduled for the next day and went completely silent on that day (maybe we only talked in the morning). Now, I know I could have asked if we were still on for the date but I reasoned if you cancelled you should also show me that you actually want to see me. Long story short, I felt lonely but I also felt like I overreacted and thus, asked him out. Anyway, it's been three days since Sunday and he is back to his usual self. Last night, I was studying for an exam and he kept checking on me (if i ate, when i was going to bed, etc.). This morning he wished me good luck via text and called me when I was on my way home from school. So, he is pretty much prefect and when this silence happens I am not sure how to deal with it. I guess communication is the best way, or maybe I can accept it and see what happens.
Redhead14 Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 The first time it was for only three months and we are both very busy. This time, we only went out twice over the period of two weeks. I understand you all saying we are not compatible or that I reached out to him because I was lonely. Yes but... I never fell for him but did I really had a chance when we dated first time. Not really. I liked him, I was definitely attracted to him but I was also taking it slowly and then one week he was different, the next one he was back to normal. When I asked him about it, he said he slowed down because he didn't want to be the one to always reach out first. Then he was ok for a month and did the same thing again, just this time it was that he cancelled the date, rescheduled for the next day and went completely silent on that day (maybe we only talked in the morning). Now, I know I could have asked if we were still on for the date but I reasoned if you cancelled you should also show me that you actually want to see me. Long story short, I felt lonely but I also felt like I overreacted and thus, asked him out. Anyway, it's been three days since Sunday and he is back to his usual self. Last night, I was studying for an exam and he kept checking on me (if i ate, when i was going to bed, etc.). This morning he wished me good luck via text and called me when I was on my way home from school. So, he is pretty much prefect and when this silence happens I am not sure how to deal with it. I guess communication is the best way, or maybe I can accept it and see what happens. When I asked him about it, he said he slowed down because he didn't want to be the one to always reach out first. You aren't reciprocating. He feels like he's doing all the work. After a few dates, the woman can and should reach out and initiate some. He's feeling like you feel in between -- Like you aren't too interested!!!! You don't make the man do all the reaching out forever. You have to show some in between interest too. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 The first time it was for only three months and we are both very busy. This time, we only went out twice over the period of two weeks. I understand you all saying we are not compatible or that I reached out to him because I was lonely. Yes but... I never fell for him but did I really had a chance when we dated first time. Not really. I liked him, I was definitely attracted to him but I was also taking it slowly and then one week he was different, the next one he was back to normal. When I asked him about it, he said he slowed down because he didn't want to be the one to always reach out first. Then he was ok for a month and did the same thing again, just this time it was that he cancelled the date, rescheduled for the next day and went completely silent on that day (maybe we only talked in the morning). Now, I know I could have asked if we were still on for the date but I reasoned if you cancelled you should also show me that you actually want to see me. Long story short, I felt lonely but I also felt like I overreacted and thus, asked him out. Anyway, it's been three days since Sunday and he is back to his usual self. Last night, I was studying for an exam and he kept checking on me (if i ate, when i was going to bed, etc.). This morning he wished me good luck via text and called me when I was on my way home from school. So, he is pretty much prefect and when this silence happens I am not sure how to deal with it. I guess communication is the best way, or maybe I can accept it and see what happens. I strongly believe you need to change your mindset about wanting this guy, any guy, any person to be "perfect". It's annoying actually when you use this term in this discussion. Not to be rude but if we are using perfection as the standard, I can see many things already that you haven't done "perfect". It's immature and judgmental to think in these terms about insignificant things. I feel like you are always keeping score. Even in your explantation of what is going on. You will have difficulty with whoever if you see the world through this mindset. Not lowering your standards but pick and choose you battles & try some empathy. It's actually coming off really princess-y and that will ultimately get you into relationships with guys having them leaving you after a period of time because they are tired of being judged on the time. Relax a little. 1
Author Venusvenus Posted July 16, 2017 Author Posted July 16, 2017 Thank you all for the replies. Here is an update and any suggestions welcome since I obviously do not know how to balance my reactions. So, after that "incident" last weekend and him saying that his dad got worse, and the entire situation became even more frustrating for the entire family (which again does not explain why he just disappeared for the entire day), we had a date on Thursday night. It went great, he picked me up, we had few drinks, took me back home and asked to see me on Saturday (yesterday). I kind of agreed but told him I might be busy with studying so we will see. Then, he texted me when he got home, texted me good night, texted me the entire day on Friday (sending million kissy emoji). On Saturday, he was little busy doing some work on his car but he still kept asking how my day was going (like every few hours). Around 5 pm, I had an appointment for a massage and he asked if I was there. I was there already and replied one hour later when I was done and asked what he was doing. No reply for the next 4 hours. Then I sent "I thought we were hanging out tonight." No reply, no good night. I don't get it. What's up with this disappearing. I know someone will probably suggest that he is seeing someone else. Maybe. but honestly, I don't think so. And, I don't think it is his father either. It is just disrespectful at this point. What do I do?
Author Venusvenus Posted July 16, 2017 Author Posted July 16, 2017 Anyone? I dont know if I ask him if everything is ok or just wait for him to reach out
Lorenza Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 OP, do you ever reach out to him by yourself, without any accusation or drama? Just to say "Hi what's up?"
Author Venusvenus Posted July 16, 2017 Author Posted July 16, 2017 OP, do you ever reach out to him by yourself, without any accusation or drama? Just to say "Hi what's up?" I do. Though with him always reaching out first, i don't do that often. But still i do. It is just weird that he never replied to my "good night" last sat and the same thing happened this Sat as well. What is even more weird is that he asked me to see me on Sat and was texting me all day long up to 5pm. On the one hand, it screams he went out on a date, on the other, I don't think that is the reason.
stillafool Posted July 16, 2017 Posted July 16, 2017 Anyone? I dont know if I ask him if everything is ok or just wait for him to reach out Yes, better plans came up and that is why he didn't contact you. Have you asked him?
Author Venusvenus Posted July 16, 2017 Author Posted July 16, 2017 Yes, better plans came up and that is why he didn't contact you. Have you asked him? i sent him a text if everything was ok. No reply yet. OK, if he got something else to do, but why ignoring me the entire evening (usually he would text me at least 5 times between 6pm and midnight).
Author Venusvenus Posted July 16, 2017 Author Posted July 16, 2017 OMG, I am speechless. Hope this will help you understand why i am being so cynical and as someone said have no empathy, even though this guy's father is sick. He just texted me. So, after not replying to my text at 6pm, then to another one at 9pm that we kind of talked of getting together that evening, i texted if everything was ok this morning. HIS REPLY: Good morning (kiss emoji). Sorry about last night. what are you doing today? :mad:
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