lovely81 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 I have gone out on three dates with someone I like a lot. He seems straightforward and nice. It is a real relief and totally different from what I'm used to. I feel really good being in the company of someone who is positive and easy. I have two questions. 1) I am attracted to him (no sex yet), but I don't know how much I think about him in between dates. It's different from in the past when I've fallen for someone fast and been very daydreamy about them. Does this gel with other people's experiences with dating someone who could be a boyfriend? It actually feels very healthy to me, like my feet are on the ground, but am curious about others' experiences since it is different. 2) And somewhat related, I did fall for someone hard last year that it didn't work out with. This guy is totally different in a good way, but sometimes I still have little triggers. Like the new guy said, "Thanks for hanging out," and it reminded me of the old guy saying the same thing, and then I feel a wave of sadness. Is this something people can relate to? I wish I was 100% over the old guy, but I'm over him enough to enjoy dates with others and to see real potential in the new guy. I guess I just feel almost guilty that I'm thinking about him at all, especially because the situation was pretty negative by the end.
d0nnivain Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 This guy is different from your usual type so it stands to reason your reactions too him would be different. That daydreamy business is infatuation not love. Just keep enjoying his company. 1
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 It took me 3 dates to decide if I liked my bf or not. We have been dating 1,5 year now and I am now crazy for this man. With him I did not experience the infatuation phase but I grew in love step by step. You said it yourself when you experience love at first sight it doesn't work so this time do it differently and give this guy a chance. 1
fred123 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 You are clearly not into him. You were more into the other guy. Why would the new guy want you to be meh about him? 1
fred123 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 It took me 3 dates to decide if I liked my bf or not. We have been dating 1,5 year now and I am now crazy for this man. With him I did not experience the infatuation phase but I grew in love step by step. You said it yourself when you experience love at first sight it doesn't work so this time do it differently and give this guy a chance. So you can grow in love? Isnt the infatuation stage important?
SammySammy Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 You're settling. This SHOULD be the type of guy you want, but it's not. It's only fair to be honest to him ... and yourself. 2
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 So you can grow in love? Isnt the infatuation stage important? Why would it be? The infatuation is a chemical reaction in your brain to push you to reproduce. It's been there to insure the survival of our species. The infatuation does not consider if you are compatible with this person, if he'll be a good partner, if he's honest, caring, loving. You said it yourself, it doesn't work after the infatuation phase and exactly because of it. When the butterflies are gone you end up dating someone you're not compatible with, sometimes it's someone you don't even like. I was not hit with an infatuation phase when I met my bf but the butterflies did grow eventually after I got to know him I'd say around 2-3 months in. Each time I met him I liked him more because I knew a little more about him. Of course when I met him I found him good looking, smart, funny. I would not have gone on dates with a man that repulsed me. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Remember, that endorphins and infatuation aren't sustainable and it's a little exhausting sometimes too. Of course, you need some initial and attraction, but love does grow if it's right. I think you are in the right 'frame of mind' but for the wrong reasons. At this very early stage, you shouldn't be thinking of him constantly and building anxiety, etc. You should be sitting back and observing him and how he's dating you and doing that objectively. Is he dating you the way you need to be dated at the moment. Have you had a conversation yet about what you two are each looking for out of your dating journeys overall. Is he looking to have a relationship with someone or is he just casually dating? Are you on the same page in terms of dating goals? Where does he see himself in a few years? Does he want the same things you do for the future? These are conversations to have early and casually. If you're not at least on a similar path, you bail so that you don't go too far down a road and be hurt more deeply and compounding your emotional baggage going forward. Having said that, the fact that you are being triggered as you say, you may simply not be ready to date. But, since you are dating this guy and at least enjoying the time with him, just do that without thinking too far out and be in the moment. And, it's very unfair to compare him to your Ex. I will admit, though, that "thanks for hanging out" comes of as kinda lackluster. But don't focus on one little thing, observe for a bit and see if this is just a blip or a habit of making you feel like his interest is as lackluster as that statement comes across. See if its a pattern. 1
Author lovely81 Posted July 11, 2017 Author Posted July 11, 2017 Thanks--Gaeta, I have read your thread in the past and have also dated a lot like you, so your input was great to have. One thing I really relate to is that I like this guy more and more. It's cool. D0nnivain, you are right, sit back and enjoy is the thing. I think in a way I posted this because I am so hopeful and excited, I wanted some reassurance everything is "okay"--it will play itself out though. Fred & Midnight, I have settled out of fear in the past and agree with you that no one deserves that. It is something to be mindful of. Thanks, Redhead14. The questions you wrote are very helpful and are things I think I need to ask myself as well as him. Also, your explanations of emotionally unavailable men in another post really resonated with me. I think emotionally unavailable men are closer to my "usual type." Also, I wanted to add re the memories of my ex-person--they're not great. They feel like PTSD, more than anything. It was a strong attachment, but full of a lot of pain. There was a lot of passion, but more than feeling any longing that I could go back to him, I just wish the whole episode could be erased from my mind.
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Also, I wanted to add re the memories of my ex-person--they're not great. They feel like PTSD, more than anything. It was a strong attachment, but full of a lot of pain. There was a lot of passion, but more than feeling any longing that I could go back to him, I just wish the whole episode could be erased from my mind. I still have flash-backs of my ex-h and we divorced 18 years ago. The brain does what the brain does. Last week my bf started singing a song that my ex-h used to sing. I was thrown back years in time. I shook it off. I am not trying to find a meaning in it, there is none. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Thanks--Gaeta, I have read your thread in the past and have also dated a lot like you, so your input was great to have. One thing I really relate to is that I like this guy more and more. It's cool. D0nnivain, you are right, sit back and enjoy is the thing. I think in a way I posted this because I am so hopeful and excited, I wanted some reassurance everything is "okay"--it will play itself out though. Fred & Midnight, I have settled out of fear in the past and agree with you that no one deserves that. It is something to be mindful of. Thanks, Redhead14. The questions you wrote are very helpful and are things I think I need to ask myself as well as him. Also, your explanations of emotionally unavailable men in another post really resonated with me. I think emotionally unavailable men are closer to my "usual type." Also, I wanted to add re the memories of my ex-person--they're not great. They feel like PTSD, more than anything. It was a strong attachment, but full of a lot of pain. There was a lot of passion, but more than feeling any longing that I could go back to him, I just wish the whole episode could be erased from my mind. They feel like PTSD -- It is a mild form of PTSD. Usually, people who are experiencing this kind of response, they are carrying a little bit of a victim mentality. You need to address that if that is the case. Get a "survivor" mentality I think emotionally unavailable men are closer to my "usual type." -- That is something you really do need to address. It's a sign that you are setting yourself up for dating scenarios that really don't have much chance for success because of fear . . . you need to get a handle on that. I just wish the whole episode could be erased from my mind -- It may never be erased from your mind, but you do have to remind yourself every time you think of it that it is in the PAST. That was then and this now. Do that every single time it comes to mind and be resolved to that until . . . it starts working. Be patient with yourself and most of all, be good to yourself. You deserve to be happy. 1
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