Advice needed in dating a very emotionally unstable woman

[5x5]

Advice needed in dating a very emotionally unstable woman

 

Does anyone have any experience in dating a woman with serious emotional instability issues?

 

I have experience of that and my advice is don't date women who are very emotionally unstable.

 

Although I have no experience of this, I feel the same advice applies to men who are also very emotionally unstable.

[salparadise]

You definitely can't go accusing her of having a personality disorder. Ouch!

Exactly. That would be totally ridiculous behaviour on the part of the OP. He hardly knows the woman, he can't possibly make any psychiatric diagnosis...

 

Of course he can. It's not a clinical diagnosis of course; no one is saying that. it's a practical realization. Instead of using the term I suppose he could enumerate the entirety of dysfunctional behaviors in each sentence, but that's not practical and thus we have one word to represent many. It's ludicrous to declare commonly understood terminology off limits. It's as if someone tried to declare the word player to be forbidden since there is no official definition, it has negative connotations, and it's generally used to describe people of one gender as being distasteful to the other. If it walks like a duck... quack!.

[guest569]

Of course he can. It's not a clinical diagnosis of course; no one is saying that. it's a practical realization. Instead of using the term I suppose he could enumerate the entirety of dysfunctional behaviors in each sentence, but that's not practical and thus we have one word to represent many. It's ludicrous to declare commonly understood terminology off limits. It's as if someone tried to declare the word player to be forbidden since there is no official definition, it has negative connotations, and it's generally used to describe people of one gender as being distasteful to the other. If it walks like a duck... quack!.

 

OP was contemplating speaking to his gf/ex and telling her that she has BPD. This would be downright insulting to her. There are 2 sides to every story.

[guest569]

He hardly knows the woman, he can't possibly make any psychiatric diagnosis based on one incident where he was found ogling another woman.

 

Ogling is right. "Glancing" at a woman for 3 full seconds and making the observation that she is a "very good looking woman". Then fessing up "i liked her hair". This did nothing to help the situation. I can't help but wonder what else there is to the story from her perspective.

I must be jealous and insane though. probably BPD like 100% of the population

[Chilli]

Wondering has she done it before and with other things, or was it just that once at you that day .

As a few have said , some women really do hate that stuff .

That gf in my 20s, nearly all of her stuff related to a jealousy thing and other women that were around somehow, even my own sisters.

Def' a very very very sore spot with yours too even if you were goggling her.

Hate to say it but mine never ever changed , not in 6yrs.

And the fact yours hasn't called means she believes there was nothing wrong with the way she acted, it's all your fault and she has zero acknowledgement on her part.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Chilli

[planb1973]

OP,

THERE IS NO CURE FOR BPD!

 

It is not like high cholesterol, you can not take a pill to help it, and you will experience soul crushing drama as you have never known. I wend down this road once and never again will I have anything to do with anyone who has this condition. During the 3 years I went on that ride my friends and family were systematically removed from my life (so god help me that anyone took attention away from her), I had to walk down the street looking at the ground for fear of being accused of looking at other women. In the end I was left an empty shell of a man, convinced I was the one who was crazy, and spent a long time rebuilding myself and friendships. YOU CAN NOT HELP HER! For your own sake get away from this on never look back.

[GunslingerRoland]

Don't stick your man organs in mentally unstable?

 

Is any other advice needed? If she went off on a 30 minute tirade over you glancing at a woman on the beach this is not going to get better as this goes on.

[Timshel]

OP, it seems the gist of your concerns are that this relationship is not leaving you content, respected and understood. These are valid reasons to move on and look elsewhere.

While it is amusing to hypothesize various explanations for a loved one's behavior online, ultimately, only a licensed professional is qualified to make a diagnosis and subsequent treatment plan.

 

Exploring the behavior of your ex gf is only helpful in regard to yourself...i.e. why were you attracted to a dysfunctional relationship in the first place and avoiding these scenarios in the future.

 

It seems a mute point to extra analyze your ex gf's behavior since you two are no longer seeing each other.(?) It is beneficial, however, to turn a microscope on yourself in order to determine the attraction and not repeat a frustrating and fruitless relationship. I assume that a healthy long term relationship is your end goal.

 

The best thing about a failed relationship is what is learned about ourselves, I think and being a better picker and partner.

Good luck!

[kendahke]

Other than playing "Captain Save a Mess" and trying to rescue her from herself, what about how she behaved leads you to think this was a one off or an aberration to the point where you're this ready to dismiss it and keep going with her? The sex? Is this an even trade off for sex?

 

What happens when your children are involved?

[OatsAndHall]

 

If anyone here is experienced in dealing with a BPD partner, I have a few questions:

 

1-Do they realize how irrational they act and have any remorse—even days later? Or, is it always the other person’s (me) fault? If I acted this way for whatever reason to my S.O., I’d probably call asap and apologize out of fear of losing them. So far, I’ve received no word after 5 days.

 

2-I’ve read much about BPD and the articles all mentioned “Splitting” and “Black and White Thinking.” I was gleaming white 5 days ago but now probably black as coal. How do I manage this? Do they usually come around at some point and try to reconnect? It was an intimate, committed relationship—that she really pressed for.

 

3- What are the prospects of at least some semblance of a healthy relationship with a person with strong BPD? ALL relationships have their hang-ups, but these seem extraordinary.

 

Any advice appreciated.

 

Thanks.

 

I have mentioned this in other posts but I was married to an unstable woman and I realized after we split that she most certainly has untreated BPD. She also has MS so I always attributed much of her instability to that but I was off the mark.. I can relate completely to your situation as I dealt with nearly six years of ups and downs and drama.

 

1. Generally speaking, folks with personality disorders do not recognize that they act irrationally and it takes intensive therapy for them to recognize that they struggle to regulate their emotions. They basically live in a world where the majority of their actions are completely dictated by their emotions. So, it's a Catch-22; they need to be able to step back and think about things in a rational manner while their brain is completely wired to act irrationally.. My ex-wife would lash out continually and she wouldn't feel any remorse for it until the consequences of her actions caused her to slip into a depression (i.e. I would call it off with her). So, although there is guilt, it is comes from an emotional place, not a rational one.

 

2. The Black and White thinking is difficult to handle when you're with someone with BPD. The term "Black and White thinking" implies that there's a cold rationality to it but that's off of the mark. It's the opposite, actually. Their emotions are all over the place so they fail to see the subtle shades of grey in life. So, they dial in on one aspect that is making them unhappy/angry and that is the focus. The "Splitting" aspect is even worse.. Someone with BPD doesn't just feel happiness; they feel euphoria. So, the highs are very high. But, when they're low, it's a deep, clinical depression.. And, those emotions can change at the drop of the hat.

 

3. IMO, the prospects of having a healthy relationship are very low. There's a reason people with personality disorders don't have solid friendships with people. My ex-wife had a revolving door of friends and her only close relationships were with women she grew up with and lived across the country. And individual with BPD needs to address a lot of issues on a continual basis if they are going to function socially.

 

I think that you're just asking for more issues if you continue to see this woman. She really needs to work on herself and her problems before she can be in a functional relationship and there's nothing you can do to help that process. In fact, you could end up enabling the behavior because she will fail to truly see the consequences of her behavior. She will probably continue to act the way she acts because you will be there to tolerate the bullchit.