avvril3000 Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 During fights, is swearing AT eachother and name calling a usual thing? is it normal, healthy? i feel that its not. Even in a fight why would you direct swearing or name calling at the person you love? Theres a difference between saying "oh i'm ****ing stressed" to "**** you! you stress me out!" Opinions? is directing a swear word right at you a red flag?
RecentChange Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 I think it's a red flag. My SO and I never call each other names, or swear AT each other (now I may swear in general anger). I think name calling shows a major break down in respect. 9
Shanex Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 Ditto, it's an obvious lack of respect and show poor manners and no self-control. Yelling at each other, and calling names from either a dude or a gal doesn't make it a healthy relationship at all... the worse of it is I know a number of couples with children who engage in these fights and name calling yet are still together. 3
SammySammy Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 Usual? Probably. Normal? Perhaps. Healthy? I think not. Mutual respect is a huge part of healthy relationships as far I'm concerned. That starts with how we talk to each other. How we treat each other. 2
GorillaTheater Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 My language can get pretty rough, but I've never called my wife a name or cursed at her (except, you know, silently to myself at times), nor has she done that to me. We fight and argue sometimes, but we keep it civilized and respectful. I can't see where it's healthy at all to rip into each other, and call me sensitive but I wouldn't tolerate it. So don't be a dick. 6
somanymistakes Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 Eh. I don't think it's necessarily a huge red flag but it kind of depends on the context and what sort of language is used. Some people use swearing to blow off steam and to channel all their anger into something that isn't actually damaging. It's obviously better to swear than to hit, and this can be a sane coping strategy. If a fight has already been escalating and one partner simply will not stop arguing about it, then eventually responding with "F YOU, LEAVE ME ALONE!" is understandable IMO. I wouldn't say it's a good thing but I don't think it's a sign that they're a terrible person either. However, if a partner pulls out certain kinds of disgusting and derogatory language (which I don't want to invent examples of) that are clearly intended to hurt the partner rather than to get breathing room or vent stress, THAT is really worrying. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 I can be a cranky SOB at times, and I can use some salty language, but nah, I wouldn't do that to someone close to me.. If it happened once, I don't think it would be world ending, esp if the conditions were tense and there was an apology afterward...If it was a pattern, that would indicate a lack of respect.. TFY
basil67 Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 (edited) In 25 years, hubby and I have never used language like either of your examples during a disagreement. I did yell at him once, but even then there was no swearing. If this happened within the first year of a relationship, I'd view it as a deal breaker. Done, dusted and out. Some may view me calling this a deal breaker harsh, but one of the things I look for in a partner is a positive and calm outlook. In your examples, I don't find the first option a particularly helpful alternative. Surely, "This argument is making me feel really stressed. I just need some time out" would be more fruitful. Edited July 10, 2017 by basil67 2
JustGettingBy Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 Letting the odd swear out is probably okay, but regular swearing as the norm may be the sign of a deeper problem. Name calling is just immature, and probably a red flag. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 During fights, is swearing AT eachother and name calling a usual thing? is it normal, healthy? i feel that its not. Even in a fight why would you direct swearing or name calling at the person you love? Theres a difference between saying "oh i'm ****ing stressed" to "**** you! you stress me out!" Opinions? is directing a swear word right at you a red flag? I guess that depends on you. I've read two posts from you, the only two posts from you I've ever read and you dropped the ****-bomb three times. Usual/normal is relative. I hate fighting/bickering/heated debates. Other people like it. 3
SevenCity Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 Never have I called a girl I was with names or swore at them. I won't tolerate it from them as well. It's inexcusable behavior and shows lack of respect and immaturity. Arguments happen but we have to learn to be adults and discuss issues in a loving matter. If a girl ever said FU to me I would show her the door. 2
d0nnivain Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 If the fights themselves are rare (< 1 per year) & its not a constant barrage, I have been able to find it in my heart to forgive somebody who curses at me during a fight. The name calling would depend on the name. Something like b1tch I could get past; whore or slut would be hard to come back from. Confession time: I have told people to F off & called them A-holes during a fight. So I'd be a hypocrite if I couldn't find it in my heart to forgive somebody who did it to me. 1
Arieswoman Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 I have never been sworn at by any b/f but I have been shouted at on a couple of dates with guys who I was just getting to know because we had different opinions about some topics. My response was to walk saying - "I don't take abuse". One rang up later and apologised, one didn't. The one who apologised did it again and I dumped him. I was looking for a calm, rational guy who I could disagree with/discuss topics with, without it becoming a shouting match. I wanted to have listening and a rational exchange of ideas, and someone with the emotional intelligence to do that. A shouting match to me is two very loud monologues between two deaf people. Having said that, there are some people who engage in loud, aggressive and even violent arguments then have crazy make-up sex afterwards. "Whatever floats your boat" as they say. Personally, I couldn't live on an emotional roller-coaster like that 2
mikeylo Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Once it starts, there is no coming backing from it. It only gets worse. My wife and I get angry and fight but don't use offensive words. I know some people whose every sentence begins and ends with a swear word. Normal for them ! 2
Gaeta Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 Some couples swear at each other because that is all they have known in their life. If you grew up in a home where your parents swore at each other I guess it becomes *normal* for the children growing up. I had an ex who was big on name calling and swearing. It completely broke me. I was never able to reciprocate and call him names, I just didn't have it in me. This was not the type of household I was brought up into. No need to say our relationship didn't last and NEVER again I would be in a relationship with a man that has that type of language.
knabe Posted July 11, 2017 Posted July 11, 2017 I agree with you, OP, that there is a difference between "This is so blankety blank frustrating" and "you are such a blankety blank." The former is venting. The latter is unacceptable. At least that is my opinion. 1
GeekLover Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 (edited) I'll be a bit of a devil's advocate here, but I think it kind of depends on the relationship and whole context, really. I think if NORMALLY you have an understanding of your TYPICAL behaviour and the two of you are very comfortable with each other and know each other very well, than some vulgar language or name calling, though hurtful at the time, can be worked through because you know each other well enough and respect each other's differences enough to know that it is just their way of venting pent up anger and that they really don't mean it. Everyone deals with emotions differently. Though this behaviour may be frowned upon, I believe true love can only embrace the sweet AND filthy parts of a heart. You must be willing to love someone's good and disgusting side. Obviously this is to a certain extent...it's about boundaries and what you are comfortable with accepting as individual. For example, I wouldn't break up with someone if they used vulgar language in an argument with me over a topic that was clearly important to him/us. But if someone told me I was a stupid b!tc+ for spilling the milk...well...RED FLAG!!! Also, who's to say that this "fault" is not something that you can support your partner with as they work on it and grow as a person? It all comes down to individual perspective and individual boundaries. Edited July 12, 2017 by GeekLover 2
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