Patrice Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 Hi, I met a man about two months ago, and we started dating. I have a pretty stressful job, and he is currently unemployed (but, looking). We have had a lot of fun, his money is tight right now, but we have worked around it - eaten in, gone to cheaper places (and I am more than willing to pick up the tab, while he gets on his feet). Great sex, spent all of the weekend with me two weeks ago. This past weekend, he starts telling me all the people he couldn't introduce me to. He is very attached to his elderly mother. We had plans on Friday night, he arrives about an hour late (was out having beers with friends). Saturday comes, he announces that his friend is picking him up to go to a party for several hours. He says he will be back later - doesn't invite me to go. Finally, around 8 I texted him and asked if he was okay .. no response, called his phone - went to voicemail. He called me back and said he was in the middle of playing poker, and I said I had plans the next day, and have a nice night. He texted Sunday morning ... Good Morning - I didn't respond. Finally last night I wrote and told him to come and get his things, as they are on my patio. I didn't say I was ending it, but I am not going to sit around half of the weekend, while this grown man is partying with his buddies. Am I being to harsh?? 1
Zahara Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 I'm not sure about harsh but your actions are certainly passive aggressive. If there's an issue and it's bothering you, communicate that clearly to him. If there is no change or if you believe he is continuing to disrespect you, then you end it. The whole silent treatment and putting out his things are passive/punishing behaviors to elicit a response. Are you trying to provoke him into reacting the way you want him? Are you hoping your actions will jolt him into straightening up for you? If so, don't play games. If you have a problem, communicate it to him. 3
Author Patrice Posted July 10, 2017 Author Posted July 10, 2017 to call me to meet out, and never did. I told him then and there, actions are what I look at. So, this isn't the first time. I think I just need to back out for awhile, if I am dealing with a man baby who needs to go out drinking most of a weekend, knowing I work all week - and therefore won't see him, it's kind of hurtful. I will tell him when I talk to him. 1
Zahara Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 to call me to meet out, and never did. I told him then and there, actions are what I look at. So, this isn't the first time. I think I just need to back out for awhile, if I am dealing with a man baby who needs to go out drinking most of a weekend, knowing I work all week - and therefore won't see him, it's kind of hurtful. I will tell him when I talk to him. If you're already having these types of issues so soon into a 2 month relationship, then it is highly likely that this isn't going to work out. The process of dating helps you figure out compatibility and if someone fits your values and wants and if they don't, you exit. These are signs that are telling you that this is not the relationship for you. It doesn't seem that you are a priority for him and that is probably not changing. 2
Redhead14 Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 Not sure if I am approaching this right? -- Your approach is passive-aggressive at best and I'd say, if you were honest with yourself, you know he will be thinking your ending things with him because having him come to pick up his "things" has all the earmarks of that and you are hoping that it might scare him into realizing he doesn't want to lose you. And, that's manipulative. Have you two ever had a conversation about what each of you is looking for out of your dating journeys overall? Are you on the same dating goals page? Given what you've done now, you have to work with this scenario. Since you've set the stage for a break up, you need to just do it. The bottom line is that this guy isn't making you a priority anymore and so a relationship isn't likely to develop beyond maybe FWB.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 Eh, I wouldn't worry too much about your approach. Why? Because this was very likely not going to work out anyway. 4
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 I guess he is either showing you the real him and is testing your boundaries to see how much you will put up with or he has got bored of being the dutiful bf and is now back to his single self, or a bit of both maybe. This past weekend, he starts telling me all the people he couldn't introduce me to. What does that mean exactly? 1
smackie9 Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 He's fading....just end it already. Passive/aggressive approach to get a reaction is petty and won't change the man.....he's being a d-bag, toss him to the curb plain and simple. Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. 3
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2017 Posted July 10, 2017 tip: Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. 100% ................................. 1
Author Patrice Posted July 10, 2017 Author Posted July 10, 2017 as to why. Probably my bad, on the passive agressive stuff. I don't think he wants to hear, that I don't appreciate being second tier to his drinking and friends. Thanks! I won't contact him again.
InvisiBlonde Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 Probably my bad, on the passive agressive stuff. I don't think he wants to hear, that I don't appreciate being second tier to his drinking and friends. Thanks! I won't contact him again. Of course I don't know what was in your head, but it sure does feel like "all" you did was give him a big dose of his very own medicine. I don't think what you did was PA so much as just speaking to him in a language he understands. You Go, Girl! (PS: I also think you dodged not a bullet but rather a torpedo.) 2
Versacehottie Posted July 12, 2017 Posted July 12, 2017 I don't think you were wrong to be picking up that he seemed to be taking you for granted. The end bit with telling him his stuff was on the patio was too harsh in my opinion (even if you don't want to date him anymore). Reason: I think it can be a little harder but better to conduct yourself well, rise above. Because you will learn from it (better communication). I wonder what your true intention was with the last harsh part? If you wanted to get him out of your life--yep, I would say that was one way to do it. If you were on the fence at all or wanted a certain reaction from him or the possibility to keep dating and wanted to send a wake up call, then no that's not the way to do it. There's hardly a way back from an action like this. Just wondering too if maybe you guys weren't on the same page with what your level of commitment was or plans were--it did sound pretty new, right? I think even if you still decided he was a jerk you didn't want to date, handling it better would benefit you. It's always better to be able to control yourself a bit to get what you want (same goes for him but you can only control yourself). Goodluck 1
Andy_K Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 Sorry if I'm missing something, but I can't see anywhere the two of you made plans for the weekend, so what's the big deal? He turned up on Friday, went out with friends on Saturday & then you said you were unavailable Sunday. Unless there's somewhere he agreed or heavily implied he was going to spend the weekend with you, this seems more like miscommunication than anything else, and that isn't exactly helped by your passive-agressiveness.
kendahke Posted July 13, 2017 Posted July 13, 2017 (edited) Hi, I met a man about two months ago, and we started dating. I have a pretty stressful job, and he is currently unemployed (but, looking). We have had a lot of fun, his money is tight right now, but we have worked around it - eaten in, gone to cheaper places (and I am more than willing to pick up the tab, while he gets on his feet). Great sex, spent all of the weekend with me two weeks ago. This past weekend, he starts telling me all the people he couldn't introduce me to. He is very attached to his elderly mother. We had plans on Friday night, he arrives about an hour late (was out having beers with friends). Saturday comes, he announces that his friend is picking him up to go to a party for several hours. He says he will be back later - doesn't invite me to go. Finally, around 8 I texted him and asked if he was okay .. no response, called his phone - went to voicemail. He called me back and said he was in the middle of playing poker, and I said I had plans the next day, and have a nice night. He texted Sunday morning ... Good Morning - I didn't respond. Finally last night I wrote and told him to come and get his things, as they are on my patio. I didn't say I was ending it, but I am not going to sit around half of the weekend, while this grown man is partying with his buddies. Am I being to harsh?? No. But you should have told him you were ending it because you are. I don't think you were passive aggressive, considering the history you spelled out later in the thread. That remark about people he wasn't going to be introducing you to was more passive aggressive than what you did. He got to the point of being comfortable taking you for granted and keeping you at bay. It's good that you drew the line and told him "he better call Tyrone". Edited July 13, 2017 by kendahke
Author Patrice Posted October 10, 2017 Author Posted October 10, 2017 Have been together since, I think some miscommunication. He is working and attentive and all around, we had a nice summer together. I tend to be quick on the switch when I feel disrespected, and we had a good talk about that. I was out West for 3 weeks, and he took care of my house while I was gone, and is just a really sincere and nice person. Thank you all, for calling me out. 1
coolheadal Posted October 10, 2017 Posted October 10, 2017 Have been together since, I think some miscommunication. He is working and attentive and all around, we had a nice summer together. I tend to be quick on the switch when I feel disrespected, and we had a good talk about that. I was out West for 3 weeks, and he took care of my house while I was gone, and is just a really sincere and nice person. Thank you all, for calling me out. Such a nice ending to something you have overlooked in him. I feel you'll be okay if you stick out with him and you seem to know this now. It's hard for you to trust and get that respect from anyone today. You found someone you can trust now and I wish you both the best as the days ahead will be best! Take care!
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