Is it drugs or just him?

[blue_eyes18]

What do you do when a drug addict pisses you off? I mean, I started hanging out with this guy a year ago, and I didn't know he was on drugs like he was. Well, I thought he liked me alot, and then he would end up not talking to me for a while sometimes, but he would always come back, and if he saw me out somewhere, he would say he had missed me and told me once he had stopped going to the methadone clinic, which he had. Well, I was with him for a month straight like everyday, and he was always wanting to be with me. I don't understand why he had to tell me he wanted to be with me and yet expects me to feel like it is all my fault when the only thing I did wrong was believe what he said. HE is the one who said and did all that. Then he tried to say this last time when we broke up that he did have feelings for me once, but I know he was just saying that to make himself look better. Atleast right now. But there are so many things that confuse me, I thought we really had something. And the worst thing is that I can't figure out why I ever had feelings for this guy, especially when everyone told me to leave him alone.

 

He has mood swings out the ass! I can't ever tell what's really going on, he has said things like we aren't gonna talk to something and then says he has missed me and all kinds of things. Is it cause of the drugs? Do you think he is permanently messed up? Then at times I don't know if he is really messed up that bad or not. I did catch him popping 3 methadone pills, trying to sneak it and I caught him. He was trying to hide it from me. I just thought he was normal, I guess all he cares about is himself and his drugs. He said last night that he was never gonna be engaged or anything like that with anyone. What the hell? He is 25 almost. He must have serious issues. I mean, he dated this girl for 4 years, although they broke up a few years ago. She wanted to marry him and he didn't do it. I don't know, maybe he is just really ****ed up and weird. I am starting to think that. I have made every excuse for him, and there are other guys out there for me. I just really really wanted him, I thought I was in love with him. I still wonder what the hell I am feeling for him and why he has gotten to me so much. Why? Just all these different feelings I have had for him. It's like I want to be with him, and now he is saying he doens't even think he should talk to me or see me for a while. A good while. That's such bull****.Oh he likes the person I am and I know he thinks I am so pretty, I know that, and all his friends do too, or his drug-addicts that he hangs out with ,I wouldn't call them friends, but you know. I just don't know. I wish I could find out what's going on with him and why he has done this, like if the drugs made him do all this or if he just is that way. His friend told me the other night that I am the first girl he has actually ever dated and spent time with since him and that girl he dated for 4 years broke up. SO I think he did have feelings for me at one point, but he is just how he is with the drugs, I guess it changed. Maybe he wasn't comfortable moving forward with it? I just wish he would have left me alone a long time ago when it was a little easier to let go the first 3 times. lol

I just know that I will never go back to him again, ever, I prolly WON"T hear from him again for a long time, I don't know what he's doing. He is nothing but a liar in reality, but I think I saw something past all that. I love the person he is besides all the junk. Well, anyone have any info on coke addicts? I mean, I just can't come to the conclusion that this is all my fault when he is like he is. He would do this no matter how I act or what I do or anything. I know that. And he is sorry for what he did to me.

He will take anything ,from coke to pain pills and methadone pills, to opium resin, to just whatever. I don't need someone like that, he does that everyday I am sure, and I am not going to think anything else otherwise.

It just sucks so bad that I love the way he makes me feel and everything,

like no one else does. It's like I am so comfortable around him and I feel happy with him, and it just feels like we know each other really well. Just a lot of other things. And he has cried to me, although he said he didn't know he actually cried, which makes me think he was just dope sick but acted like he was crying though, like onetime when I didn't talk to him for two days and he came running over here and trying to explain and apologize. It's just too weird for me.

I thought that he had just made mistakes and stuff that's why I always talked to him again, we were friends, and I had to learn the hard way that he was like he was. Why is he acting like he just doesn't need to talk to me anymore, when he is always the one who would come back and calling me and all that other stuff? I just am so confused sometimes and I don't understand why he hasdone the things he has done. He seems so normal at times. I just wish I understood. Maybe I just know enough about the drug world and how it makes. you. He speaks now as though he is not ****ed up anymore like he used to be. He is so. I know he is if just 2 weeks ago he was popping 3 methadone pills. Did I do something wrong or is it just him? I think I have done all I can, considering I went like 3 months and didn't talk to him. I am not going to feel like this is all my fault, like I did something wrong. He would have done this anyways. I am just not gonna talk to him. Last night he acted like he had no feelings for me whatsoever. Screw him. I won't ever be there again when he comes back!

[blue_eyes18]

I guess I just don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I don't know if he just lied the whole time, which if he is on drugs that bad, I guess it was a lie the whole time. But I think we might have had something at one time. When he tells me he loves me then acts like he didn't say it or something or meant something else or just whatever, I don't know.

SOmetimes I think i might have messed it up, I just don't understand how someone could want to make someone feel like they were so interested in them if they really weren't, especially when it wasn't just for sex. I mean, we would hang out for sometimes 7 or 8 days or more and not have sex.

Maybe it is all over, maybe I screwed it up. Or maybe he would have done this anyways, like I said. Maybe he only said all that stuff cause he was ****ed up?

Either way, I just feel like I love him and how could he not want someone like me? I am smart, pretty, and a lot of stuff. That's why I think he just used me because I was and he never really intended on having a lasting relationship, although he went to the trouble of hunting me down and calling alot when he wanted to talk to me again or **** with me again or whatver.

This just really bothers me, especially when his friend said it was my fault for calling alot. That's BS cause I have done things his way so many times, and he always disappoints me. He always leaves me feeling like he just has to sort things out but to wait for him, whatever. I don't know. I usually feel like I want him so much, and I do care for him, I jsut love spending time with him, no matter what we are doing, but how could he do this to me? Get me all attached and then do this? He knew what he was doing to me, he had to. Any human would know what they were doing to someone when they told them they loved them and wanted to be with them even though drug problems and **** and made me feel so special.

[blue_eyes18]

This is just a MAJOR vent! Sorry! lol

[shamen]

Blue Eyes,

 

Someone on drugs does NOT experience life the same way that people who don't use do. Keep that in mind when you think about this guy. My last beau had major issues with drugs and they always came first. Drugs came first.

 

Sounds like this is probably the case with this guy. I hate to say it, but you will be better off without him. Really. It will be a lot easier to walk away and find a boy for you that does not use...

[blue_eyes18]

Thanks, I really do need to keep that in mind. OBVIOUSLY he sure doesn't experience it the same as I do, that's what he must have meant by that. Well, that little f***** could have told me that a long time ago instead of lying to me.

Anyways, it's hard not to care about him, but I am not gonna let him upset me anymore that he already has. I am still gonna go out and have fun, not be all sad about him, although this does hurt pretty bad. I know I really am better off without him, even though I miss him right now. It will get better I'm sure.

[shamen]

Hi Blue Eyes,

 

The reason he didn't tell you up front is because he may have wanted to spend some time with you then... but I'm sure there came a point when he realized that you were not one of his friends who used. The friends of users who do not use eventually fall out of favor because "they just don't understand." Really what it's about is that they just don't want to hear anyone telling them that what they are doing is messed up, ya know?

 

I used to use a lot of drugs too, and for the most part, I am drug free these days. I didn't want to have friends who were going to tell me to get my sh*t together, what fun was there in that?

 

Do go out and have fun, forget about him. Obviously he's not ready to get clean, you've tried talking to him about this stuff. Unfortunately sometimes we just have to let go of people who aren't ready to get it together for our own good. It kind of feels sometimes like abandonment, but if all it's doing now is hurting you, it's time to walk away.

 

If, for whatever reason, you two do talk again, here's a link to Nar-Anon, the sister organization of Narcotics Anonymous. It's a group to help people who are friends or family of drug addicts, maybe you can find some insight there...

 

http://nar-anon.org

[blue_eyes18]

Thanks. I have heard about nar-anon and have heard my friends and family tell me that I can do so much better and I am too pretty/smart/whatever else! I got sick of it, cause I couldn't help how I felt about him. Now I feel like an idiot for ever giving him the time of day really, cause the last time I talked to him the other night, he was just acting like he wasn't sad about it or anything, and said he didn't need to talk to me for a while, a good while. Doesn't it seem like I should be the one saying that to HIM or something? lol

Anyways, I know I really don't need someone that bad on them, which he must be. I used to not think so, but he was even talking about going back to the methadone clinic. He is more open with me now. Although he still tried to tell me that he was going to get better. haha

That's funny. I don't know why he wanted to hide EVERYTHING from me, and I think still does, he just talks a little more honestly than he used to cause he knows I know more now about that ****.

The worst part is, is that I love absolutely everything about him it seems like! I mean, the looks, the personality, which is very, very unique! It makes me sad to know we will never be together really like I thought we would be. And he lied to me, he told me a lot og things. Well, it doesn't matter, I know. I know I will never let him do this to me again. And that's the last time I am saying that. . .

[blue_eyes18]

I feel like it is such my fault, and that's what really hurts cause I wanted to be with him. But I think that's what he wants me to feel now, like it is my fault. Maybe he won't ever come back, and I don't care anymore, cause if he did, he would just do this to me all over again!

[shamen]

Blue Eyes,

 

It's NOT your fault. Again, he's not thinking clearly because he's using...

 

Seriously, you could and can do better. Life is so much simpler when there's not a drug addict in your life. Things may seem like they were special between you two, and they may have been, but what you've got to focus on is the fact that unless he wants to get clean, you would have a very long road with this guy.

 

Think about it this way: do you really want to deal with a bf who is a drug addict???

[blue_eyes18]

You're right, I know you are. I just wish I didn't miss him so much, like spending time with him, just being with him. I find that I think about him alot, and it makes me happy remembering some of the times we've had. I still feel close to him. I just don't know how I can ever feel better if this continues, cause he has ended up hurting me every time, leaving or whatever. I just am so happy to see him when I end up seeing him and it turns into something else. Anyways, I know I care for him as a person a whole lot and I see the good in him, which he has alot of. He really hurt me though what all he said the other night, the last time I talked to him. It's like everything he ever said he just didn't "remember" or like I never meant anything to him. It all makes me just blah! I miss him but I am still hurt at the same time. I have to remember it's not my fault, he would be this way anyways, I have seen that.

Sometimes I just wonder if he ever really did have any feelings for me or not. Sometimes, after talking to him the other night, it doesn't seem like it. But then again, I believe he might have, atleast at one time. And that's why I don't know what happened, if I did something wrong to make him change his mind or it's just the drugs making him not care really.

I would just let all of this go, but it's hard to because of the way I feel about him. Plus, not knowing how he really feels/has felt about me. I guess it was just all one big lie, and that he just had a whole lot of fun lying to me and making me think he had feelings for me. I won't go through it again though.

Let me ask you though, do you think it was the drug-side of him that I always saw, or do you think he runs away when he is using? I can't decide which it is. I don't know enough about it!

[blue_eyes18]

He would always end up coming back or I ran into him somewhere, and he would say he had missed me. Just things like that, and I thought maybe he had come to his senses or something since he was no longer at the methadone clinic.

What I should have done a long time ago is told him to buzz off when he came back trying to talk to me. I just never could though, cause I just love the person he is. It is hard to do when you really have missed them. BUT now I know I would rather tell him to buzz off or whatever than end up feeling like this everytime.

[blue_eyes18]

Or maybe he was ****ed up/using when he was telling me he wanted to be with me and all that and when I saw the great side of him. I don't know if he leaves cause he's ****ed up or comes back cause he's ****ed up. I was thinking maybe he did really have feelings, and that' why he did what he did. Either way, I know I can do better than have a drug addict for a bf. I DESERVE better as far as the drugs go, I just miss the other things about him. I can't help it. I have got to find a way to not care anymore. I can't believe how much this has gotten to me! lol I guess that's just how it goes. I can't help I have good feelings for him too. I know it will all work out either way. SOmetimes just not knowing what really happened kinda gets to me.

[shamen]

Blue Eyes,

 

Yes, you do have to remember that it's not your fault...

 

Whether or not he came to see you because he was or wasn't using, you'll never know. Only he and his user friends may know the answer to that question. No use in worrying about it.

 

But, you mentioned that he doesn't remember half of the conversations, again, that's due to the drugs. This guy may be a good guy, but if he's using meth, girl, you know what the answer is, run away!

 

You're welcome to have feelings for him, but that doesn't mean that you have to talk to him. All talking to him is going to do for you is make you feel bad. Maybe good for a few minutes while you see him, but then when you're not together, it justs goes back to all of the second guessing that you're doing now. You WILL get over him eventually and then you'll at some time wonder what it was that you saw in him...

 

Have you thought about going to a Nar-Anon meeting? They would have a lot of help for you there to deal with the emotions that you're experiencing... I'm just another girl who dated a guy who used. I walked away from him... It was the best thing for me.

[blue_eyes18]

I have checked into some Nar-anon books or something like that, but never a meeting. I know I never will know, but his friend that uses with him a lot, and by the way, freaks me out sometimes(ewww!), told me he knows the guy likes me, but that he just needed some time alone and all that other ****. He tells me to just ignore him and **** when he calls me.

I am just wanting to know what's going on. It's not just the methadone pills he's popped, which I didn't know he did that til I caught him the other week, trying to hide it. He does coke, whatever else, pain pills. He told me once about a month ago right before he started acting weird again, that he was thinking about giong to the methadone clinic cause his life was easier to live then. He said he was going to church every Sunday, now all he worries about is where he's gonna get his next fix. He still told me

that he went to the methadone clinic to get better. Yeah, haha!

Then why is he doing what he's doing? So I just wonder if the reason he said he didn't need to talk to me for a good while is because he is using some kind of drugs that make him feel that way? Or maybe he just didn't have his fix yet? Or maybe he did have his fix?

See, I just wonder this stuff all the time, and it just bugs the hell out of me. I know it does no good worrying about it, and how am I supposed to know if I can even believe his loser friend? He could just be saying whatever he wants to about it. Sometimes I used to think he wasn't really on stuff that bad, but then what he said the other day, seeing him do this repeatedly to me, and the methadone pills he was trying to hide, I do think he has a bad drug problem.

Maybe he just never cared about me at all, I guess he just lied and lied to me everytime. But there's always those times we've had that makes me think otherwise. Ya know?

But it doesn't matter. I don't need him like that. I know at one point last year, I had moved on or whatever, I ignored him when I saw him out. Then he would run up to my car when I was leaving someone's house or something and I would end up talking to him and we would hang out( while he was telling me how much he had missed me/wanted to be with me/) this one time a month straight everyday, he would even want to come get me from work although I had my own ride. It was funny!

I guess my point is that I am just needing to understand so I will have the balls to tell him to **** off next time I see him! I will not keep going back to him if he is just gonna do this. After what he said the other night, I am not gonna keep getting hurt. I only thought it could be might fault sometimes cause like he said the other night,"I like the person you are, but. . ." and **** like that. He goes from wanting to be with me and complimenting me and everything else to saying something like that. I mean, which is it, ya know? I guess I am just too much trouble for him. Well ditto.

[blue_eyes18]

Thanks for helping me feel better. It's not my fault, although he might want me to feel that way. He used to blame it on himself, now he seems to blame it on me more than anything. I am not gonna feel that it is though. I think that just makes him feel better, or makes him think if I think it's my fault, I will stick around and be there next time.