Learn to be happy alone

July 9, 2017

I read this line a lot--I recognize that it's all meant with good intentions.

"Learn to let go; learn to move along; learn to be alone; learn to go to the gym and pick up hobbies; learn to do things alone and take joy; learn to sit alone and be comfortable in your own presence..."

So, what happens when you look back and all you see is being alone, for as far back as you can remember?

Alone: alone in your childhood--be it by neglect, abuse, or social emotional isolation for being different.

Alone in your teenage years; alone in your early adulthood.

Alone even when you were in relationships, because you never learned how to be in healthy relationships, and so you end up putting yourself in relationships that destroy you instead of providing safety and comfort.

alone; alone; alone.

You put up a fight, fighting the loneliness, with some sort of a vague hope of "someday" to find someone to take you out of this constant state of being on your own.

The desire to be loved and wanted and to belong is so intrinsically programmed in us.

So, what happens when you look in the mirror and all you see is being "someplace else"--NOT for some finite periods of your life, but ALL your life.

The hunger to find "safety" doesn't quiet down--it only screams louder, as you gather more years behind you with self disappointment and far more years looking forward, with fear, anticipating the same thing to repeat.

So, you come in here and all over the web looking for answers on "how to FIX yourself" because something is so innately and incredibly broken about yourself, and has been broken for years since childhood.

So, you make trips after trips to the therapists, seeking cognitive therapy, talk therapy, behavioral therapy, nature therapy, this therapy and that therapy.

So, you look for someone to cure you from the disease called "yourself".

So you want someone to save you from your own presence--just for once, just once in your life.

But all you get is advice--

"learn to be happy alone".

Catch 22: you are in this intolerable inescapable hell because you were all alone all along in the first place.

As I said, I recognize that the advice is well intended. But, there's a limit to for how long you can carry on "being alone" before you run out of all hope.

I wonder for how many of "these" people, who are too incompetent and unskilled to "learn to be happy alone", their loneliness is rooted all the way back to early childhood and along the way have become a identity defect that is no longer fixable.

I wonder for how many of these "clingy" or "needy" people with non-existent self esteem are desperately wanting to find a romantic partner to love them enough to make up for the love that was absent there for years and were never met.

So, if you are breathing along, pushing through one day at a time, existing, but not living, living but not feeling loved, finding "hobbies" to occupy time to kill time, to numb out your mind, does that ever quiet down that unfulfilled need to be loved by another person in this world?

Besides sociopaths, can you actually carry on tolerating life with constant emptiness, when neither can live with the loneliness nor fix yourself to feel "happy" all alone?

July 9, 2017

I always thought I had sort of a strength to be alone most of the time that possibly most other people don't have, ie being lonely and actually enjoying it. Doing whatever I want with my evenings and weekends.

Though I don't qualify as a sociopath. I am an only child and that really stays with you, all my fellow only childs here can relate to a lonely childhood, well beside school friends but doing homework alone, watching TV and listening to music by ourselves while our parents were busy and so forth. I don't think it's much a quality really but something I've been acclimated to forever.

I need me time really often. Some folks de-stress by seeing other people, others like me need the solitude.

July 9, 2017

I've always believed that what you don't get from others you should give to yourself. The desire to be loved is in all of us, so why deny yourself your own love.

I've been married all of my adult life. My h was military so he was gone for long periods of time. Then when he retired he took on consulting jobs that took him from home. I understand loneliness. I've just always felt my happiness was my responsibility.

Faith is what I lean on, even an Atheist believes in something.

If there is a wounded child in you, love that child to wellness.

I just believe that if you're breathing there's hope.

July 10, 2017

Being alone or lonely , are two different things.

July 10, 2017

Wow burnt, your post almost made me cry

I agree with the above poster, being alone and being lonely are two very different things

Most of my life with the exception of LTRs, I've felt alone but not necessarily lonely. My feeling of loneliness arent because I feel someone needs to fix me. I dont feel broken. But the truth is, I have been and am, physically alone the majority of the time

I moved out of my parent when I had just graduated high school. With the exception of 6 years (LTRs), I've lived alone

For me, I think I'm just sick of focusing on myself and just being in my own presence and no one else's. I've always thrived on giving to others so being alone is useless to me. I've done it for many years and never had a problem being alone...but when I feel lonely, which I have for the past 2 years...thats what sucks. Its almost like torture at this point

As for the advice people give about learning to be happy alone. I cant stand it! I'm 31 years old! I'm so ready for the next chapter I can taste it. Its all I think about. I feel so stagnant and uninspired. I'm ready to be a good wife, mom and nurse.

Being alone sucks when you're programmed to give to and care for others

July 10, 2017

I read this line a lot--I recognize that it's all meant with good intentions.

I think when most people say "learn to be happy alone" when referring to dating, they usually mean learn to be happy being single. That doesn't mean being completely alone. In fact, most people who say that will put in an effort to keep their social calendar as full or fuller than people who are coupled or married.

Being a loner is either something you either are, or are not. True loners (of which I am one) are very rare. It requires a certain outlook on life.

July 10, 2017

I think when most people say "learn to be happy alone" when referring to dating, they usually mean learn to be happy being single. That doesn't mean being completely alone. In fact, most people who say that will put in an effort to keep their social calendar as full or fuller than people who are coupled or married.

Being a loner is either something you either are, or are not. True loners (of which I am one) are very rare. It requires a certain outlook on life.

Exactly! and "learn to be happy alone" usually gets said people who come on the forum posting about a long history of dysfunctional relationships and monkey branching from one person to the next. Those people are terrified of being single and feel like their entire existence, value, and self-worth depends on having the validation of a romantic partner. They are the people who need to spend a few years being single and learning to be happy on their own but even then nobody means they have to learn to be happy alone FOREVER and OP I think you know that. I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely but it isn't really fair to take advice you have seen on the forums out of context. Has anyone here ever told you that you need to be happy alone forever?

July 10, 2017

Try living with aspergers which is a socializing disorder. Yes, I have my family, but I'm not going to lie not being able to communicate effectively sucks. Going to a loud club is awful for aspies. Church is really not my thing, because I'm not that religious.

July 10, 2017

burnt, I am sorry you are feeling like this, and I can identify with a lot of what you say.

I was brought up in a family where there was little love shown and much discipline.

I was an ugly child who had no friends because I was shunned by other kids. I was very short-sighted and had glasses as thick as milk-bottle bottoms.

It wasn't until I had some major surgery on my face aged 18 and got contact lenses that I felt confident to go to Uni.

So I know where you are coming from.

However, I think you are approaching this from a wrong viewpoint

You put up a fight, fighting the loneliness, with some sort of a vague hope of "someday" to find someone to take you out of this constant state of being on your own.

Relationships are not the panacea to loneliness. The most lonely and unfulfilling times of my life were when I was married to my first husband.

We all tend to look at relationships to give us that magical thing called "happiness", because we have all been brought up with the "happy ever after" story, but this isn't the reality. Relationships are a workpiece that help us see ourselves. They can be hard work at times. They consist of both challenges and harmony. The challenges are based on two individuals who need to retain their own individuality to keep separate identities. Harmony is created when people become intimate (and I don't mean sex )and are maintaining a safe environment that paves the way to emotional exchanges and healthy sharing.

I'm not sure what sort of therapy that you've had but looking to another

"someday" to find someone to take you out of this constant state of being on your own.

to take you out of your situation isn't the answer.

I can't give you a pat answer, but what I can say is this - learn to be the best person you can be - and do it for yourself.

Do that course, learn that skill, apply for that promotion, join that club. The more skills you have the more confident you become and the more you have to "bring to the table" in a relationship.

Start seeing the glass as half-full, not half empty.

You can do this.

Good luck x

Edited July 10, 2017 by Arieswoman

July 10, 2017

I read this line a lot--I recognize that it's all meant with good intentions.

"Learn to let go; learn to move along; learn to be alone; learn to go to the gym and pick up hobbies; learn to do things alone and take joy; learn to sit alone and be comfortable in your own presence..."

So, what happens when you look back and all you see is being alone, for as far back as you can remember?
Alone: alone in your childhood--be it by neglect, abuse, or social emotional isolation for being different.
Alone in your teenage years; alone in your early adulthood.
Alone even when you were in relationships, because you never learned how to be in healthy relationships, and so you end up putting yourself in relationships that destroy you instead of providing safety and comfort.

alone; alone; alone.

You put up a fight, fighting the loneliness, with some sort of a vague hope of "someday" to find someone to take you out of this constant state of being on your own.

The desire to be loved and wanted and to belong is so intrinsically programmed in us.

So, what happens when you look in the mirror and all you see is being "someplace else"--NOT for some finite periods of your life, but ALL your life.

The hunger to find "safety" doesn't quiet down--it only screams louder, as you gather more years behind you with self disappointment and far more years looking forward, with fear, anticipating the same thing to repeat.

So, you come in here and all over the web looking for answers on "how to FIX yourself" because something is so innately and incredibly broken about yourself, and has been broken for years since childhood.

So, you make trips after trips to the therapists, seeking cognitive therapy, talk therapy, behavioral therapy, nature therapy, this therapy and that therapy.

So, you look for someone to cure you from the disease called "yourself".

So you want someone to save you from your own presence--just for once, just once in your life.

But all you get is advice--

"learn to be happy alone".

Catch 22: you are in this intolerable inescapable hell because you were all alone all along in the first place.

As I said, I recognize that the advice is well intended. But, there's a limit to for how long you can carry on "being alone" before you run out of all hope.

I wonder for how many of "these" people, who are too incompetent and unskilled to "learn to be happy alone", their loneliness is rooted all the way back to early childhood and along the way have become a identity defect that is no longer fixable.

I wonder for how many of these "clingy" or "needy" people with non-existent self esteem are desperately wanting to find a romantic partner to love them enough to make up for the love that was absent there for years and were never met.

So, if you are breathing along, pushing through one day at a time, existing, but not living, living but not feeling loved, finding "hobbies" to occupy time to kill time, to numb out your mind, does that ever quiet down that unfulfilled need to be loved by another person in this world?

Besides sociopaths, can you actually carry on tolerating life with constant emptiness, when neither can live with the loneliness nor fix yourself to feel "happy" all alone?

I'm sorry though for what you're going through and my advice would be is to try to join some type of social group.

July 10, 2017

I really empathise with a lot of your comments OP. Also, to Dis.

I have been single most of my life. I became very accustomed to it and I was, relatively happy. I then met my (now ex-) bf. I was opened up to another life. How having a relationship can really broaden enjoyment of life. To share something, on that level, is something you can never do alone. I didn't know that before.

I am now single again. I often wonder why I am not happy and why I so desperately want to find that deep, loving relationship again. Along with "learn to be happy alone", you also hear "you can't be happy in a relationship if you aren't happy alone". I have a good, fulfilling life. I have a good job, my own house (where I live comfortably alone), friends, many hobbies, etc. I don't need or want to fill my time anymore. I enjoy sitting on the sofa and watching a movie. But sometimes, knowing that everything I do is alone, is depressing. I go to my hobbies alone, I go on holiday alone.... I enjoy it, but I yearn for someone to share it with.

A relationship does not give you happiness, but it can certainly contribute to it and enrich your life. Something that being alone cannot do. There is a reason most people couple up.

I have never been pursued really. For some reason, I am not generally desired. Ironically enough, that has to do with independence for some men. I don't NEED someone to look after me.

I WANT to get married, have kids and share my life with someone. It gets more and more depressing knowing that all my friends go home to a shared life with someone and I go home to an empty house every.single.night.

I wish I could go back to not knowing what it was like. To be "happy alone" like I was before. Sadly, the veil can never be replaced. I am currently struggling with how to resolve these feelings and figure out how to move on with my life alone. I don't want to live yearning for something that may never happen for me but seems to happen for everyone else.

July 10, 2017

I really empathise with a lot of your comments OP. Also, to Dis.

I have been single most of my life. I became very accustomed to it and I was, relatively happy. I then met my (now ex-) bf. I was opened up to another life. How having a relationship can really broaden enjoyment of life. To share something, on that level, is something you can never do alone. I didn't know that before.

I am now single again. I often wonder why I am not happy and why I so desperately want to find that deep, loving relationship again. Along with "learn to be happy alone", you also hear "you can't be happy in a relationship if you aren't happy alone". I have a good, fulfilling life. I have a good job, my own house (where I live comfortably alone), friends, many hobbies, etc. I don't need or want to fill my time anymore. I enjoy sitting on the sofa and watching a movie. But sometimes, knowing that everything I do is alone, is depressing. I go to my hobbies alone, I go on holiday alone.... I enjoy it, but I yearn for someone to share it with.

A relationship does not give you happiness, but it can certainly contribute to it and enrich your life. Something that being alone cannot do. There is a reason most people couple up.

I have never been pursued really. For some reason, I am not generally desired. Ironically enough, that has to do with independence for some men. I don't NEED someone to look after me.

I WANT to get married, have kids and share my life with someone. It gets more and more depressing knowing that all my friends go home to a shared life with someone and I go home to an empty house every.single.night.

I wish I could go back to not knowing what it was like. To be "happy alone" like I was before. Sadly, the veil can never be replaced. I am currently struggling with how to resolve these feelings and figure out how to move on with my life alone. I don't want to live yearning for something that may never happen for me but seems to happen for everyone else.

Ditto :(

July 10, 2017

How can someone love you if you don't love yourself enough to be happy on your own?

July 12, 2017

How can someone love you if you don't love yourself enough to be happy on your own?

This is the advise I believe the OP is referring to. That is a blanket response to people who would prefer not to be single.

It certainly has its place. There are people who are afraid of being alone, bounce from relationship to relationship and cannot cope without someone in their life. These people should find out who they are alone and learn to make peace and be happy.

But here, we are talking about people who are alone, who don't not love themselves and still want to be with someone. I'm fine alone. I live a fulfilled life and I've been alone for a long time. But I would prefer to share that with someone. Coming home every night alone, sleeping alone, not having simple loving touch, not being desired is not what I would prefer. Surely most people feel the same way or why would they both coupling up.

Meeting and connecting with someone is not easy for some people. Wanting that and not getting it is demoralising. Being told to be happy alone doesn't really help.

July 12, 2017

I understand very well and I am older than you and the situation gets worse over time, not better. Time does not heal the wounds. I don't like to see happy couples when I go out to a festival or on holidays or weekends. It may not be too late for you...what is your age?

I read a book The Myths of Happiness by a research psychologist you could look at. She uses scientific evidence to show that marriage is not as fine as singles think it is. Is that sour grapes? Maybe.

Some things are not meant to be, I feel, but don't sell yourself short either.

I am reminded of the mythical Phantom of the Opera, the ultimate loner.And my favorite musical.

July 13, 2017

I can empathize with you in some ways. I have always felt alone since I was kid despite having siblings, I was always the weird one. I had my son as a young teen and that came with many hardships for me and I of course felt alone because I had no friends who related to me.

I found myself single for the first time in 13 years at the end of 2014, my son left to become a Marine the year previous, and that feeling of being alone was intense. The last 2 years of my relationship I felt incredibly lonely even though I was with someone but actually being alone really messed with me mentally and emotionally. It took me a few months of getting used to and then I can say that I enjoyed my own company for the most part but there were moments when I felt like the only person in the world who didn't have someone. Not having a significant other and not having solid relationships with "friends" can bring about an intense feeling of isolation. Someone who is single but has great friends and family to talk to, might not understand this as much.

You can be happy being alone but there's nothing wrong with craving a human connection and being unhappy because you can't seem to make that connection. Not everyone is the same, it really bothers me when someone throws a one liner as an answer to a problem just because they don't suffer from that problem and they can't comprehend what the person is feeling.

I am currently in a relationship but I still feel really lonely sometimes because I can't find many people to relate to on an intimate level with my thoughts and feelings. Having a partner doesn't always mean that the loneliness goes away but in my case he at least makes me feel better half of the time. I'm sorry if I wrote too much about myself but I just wanted you to know that myself and others also find it hard to "be happy being alone" and there is nothing wrong with that.

July 27, 2017

I guess that depends on the person.

I dont romanticize relationships of any kind bc ice bern put through the wringer. A relationship doesnt mean you are being loved. For me relationships have been abusive or short lived.

I feel my time with things i love and doing what i love. I may deel alone sometimes, but i dont feel bad. Being alone means doing what you want and when you want.

Ive swung too far in the opposite direction. Its very easy and comfortable being single. It becomes less and less clear what ill get from a relationship.

Most people arent truly alone. They have friends and family.

July 28, 2017

I have thought about this many times myself. I got chills and almost teared up reading your post, burnt.

I think that a healthier message than "enjoy being alone" is "love yourself enough to let go of people who don't respect you."

The tragedy of being human is that we are inherently social creatures, yet we are so intelligent, thoughtful and have such complicated relationships that we often end up in some sort of isolation. It seems the best choice is to embrace this, as you can't fight nature and win. The trick is to surround yourself with people to satisfy your social nature without being entirely dependent on any one person to love you and to define who you are.

Don't forget self-love. It's so important to love yourself unconditionally and be sort of a kind parent to yourself, especially when no one else is. I'm learning about self-love through meditation and through books like "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine M. Aron.

July 28, 2017

I read this line a lot--I recognize that it's all meant with good intentions.

"Learn to let go; learn to move along; learn to be alone; learn to go to the gym and pick up hobbies; learn to do things alone and take joy; learn to sit alone and be comfortable in your own presence..."

So, what happens when you look back and all you see is being alone, for as far back as you can remember?
Alone: alone in your childhood--be it by neglect, abuse, or social emotional isolation for being different.
Alone in your teenage years; alone in your early adulthood.
Alone even when you were in relationships, because you never learned how to be in healthy relationships, and so you end up putting yourself in relationships that destroy you instead of providing safety and comfort.

alone; alone; alone.

You put up a fight, fighting the loneliness, with some sort of a vague hope of "someday" to find someone to take you out of this constant state of being on your own.

The desire to be loved and wanted and to belong is so intrinsically programmed in us.

So, what happens when you look in the mirror and all you see is being "someplace else"--NOT for some finite periods of your life, but ALL your life.

The hunger to find "safety" doesn't quiet down--it only screams louder, as you gather more years behind you with self disappointment and far more years looking forward, with fear, anticipating the same thing to repeat.

So, you come in here and all over the web looking for answers on "how to FIX yourself" because something is so innately and incredibly broken about yourself, and has been broken for years since childhood.

So, you make trips after trips to the therapists, seeking cognitive therapy, talk therapy, behavioral therapy, nature therapy, this therapy and that therapy.

So, you look for someone to cure you from the disease called "yourself".

So you want someone to save you from your own presence--just for once, just once in your life.

But all you get is advice--

"learn to be happy alone".

Catch 22: you are in this intolerable inescapable hell because you were all alone all along in the first place.

As I said, I recognize that the advice is well intended. But, there's a limit to for how long you can carry on "being alone" before you run out of all hope.

I wonder for how many of "these" people, who are too incompetent and unskilled to "learn to be happy alone", their loneliness is rooted all the way back to early childhood and along the way have become a identity defect that is no longer fixable.

I wonder for how many of these "clingy" or "needy" people with non-existent self esteem are desperately wanting to find a romantic partner to love them enough to make up for the love that was absent there for years and were never met.

So, if you are breathing along, pushing through one day at a time, existing, but not living, living but not feeling loved, finding "hobbies" to occupy time to kill time, to numb out your mind, does that ever quiet down that unfulfilled need to be loved by another person in this world?

Besides sociopaths, can you actually carry on tolerating life with constant emptiness, when neither can live with the loneliness nor fix yourself to feel "happy" all alone?

You should never lose hope in finding someone. I may not be the best looking guy out there but regardless I keep trying, and hey guess what? Every once in a blue moon I actually get a relationship after years of searching.

You can get a relationship, easily in fact, you just have to adjust your standards, or workout, groom yourself more.

I get frustrated all the time when it comes to dating believe me.

July 29, 2017

All of this stuff can become too important if one lets it.

The cure? (for me, fwiw..)

When interacting with others, concentrate on what you can do to *genuinely* make them feel good. Without expectation. It's within all of our grasp (I'm assuming here...but if I can do it...hell...anyone can is my reasoning)...to make others feel good in a sincere way....if you're paying attention to what they're feeling....(more so than what they're saying I think). If nothing else....make a joke at your own expense....in a fun way...in a way everyone can relate too...because they feel the same way...we're all alike in our own unique way.

Socializing for socializing's sake isn't my gig. I'm a guy who like his space. A lot of people fear being alone. That's not me. But opposites attract I guess, because the women most drawn to me are the ones who, when you look at them....are socializers and socialites. Once known....it becomes clear to me that they fear being alone...or a the very least...don't much care for it.

How that works....I've never really been able to verbalize.

July 29, 2017

To the OP....I get the "love yourself before you can love other people" stuff. And "like being alone before you can be with others"....(or whatever those sayings are).

I'm unsure exactly what to make of all of that stuff. I believe that's kind of a new thing.....coming on the scene since so many people now *are* alone. So...heck....it's almost as if....now...in our culture....it's some sort of "glorifying" independence. and if that's the case....it just makes people feel worse about things....not better...

one man's (admittedly somewhat convoluted) opinion....

take care.....OP.....

He's out there....looking for you as we speak. That's the only thing I can say for sure.

edit: what I'm trying to say is...that it makes us feel good about ourselves (me anyway....and I don't believe I'm *that* much different from any other human being) it makes us feel good about ourselves to make other people feel good about themselves. It's not an exercise that can be done entirely in the absence of other people.....it's why we come here....it's why we do a lot of the things we do....to make ourselves feel good by making others feel better.

Now...I'm off to be alone again....(smile)

When it comes to being human, we all have a lot more in common....than differences. One man's .... opinion....based on....the more experience I get...at being one.

edit part two: None of this means everyone needs to run out and join a pottery class. It can be incorporated in one's life more "organically". You run across people all of the time. Go out of your way to make someone feel good. "Treat others the way you *want* to be treated". (I never understood that saying to be honest....so...I'm changing it up a bit. Now it's...for me...."make others *feel* the way you want others to make you feel". It'll work...even if you don't think so....because...most (at a minimum...a lot of) people are feeling more like you than you give yourself credit for.

"outward appearances are not inward reality"

Edited July 29, 2017 by whatnot

Sign In

Learn to be happy alone

Recommended Posts

burnt

Shanex

mercy

mikeylo

Dis

JuneJulySeptember

anika99

bradt93

Arieswoman

bradt93

Tribble

Dis

preraph

Tribble

carnelian

Kellens

hotpotato

Lil-Miss-Anthropy

guy45

whatnot

whatnot

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...