snailz Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 i split up with my ex about 2 months ago, he broke up with me because he thought we argued too much, everyone told me to stay away from him because i needed time to move on, so i did that, i ignored him and left places whenever he showed up. This past few weeks ive started to feel a bit better, however now he seems to always be around, when i go somewhere he walks over and stands near me but doesn't say anything, if i move he moves. he even jumped in my taxi the other day and got out at mine, strange. But heres the hardest bit that im finding so difficult, he's been meeting some girl (who by the looks of it is going with any guy she meets) but really rubbing it in my face. He brings her in the places i drink, when i walk past he touches her or kisses her, if i walk off he brings her over to where im stood. When we were together we talked about what would happen in the future if we both met other ppl and agreed that it would hurt and we should keep our new partners out of each others way, just to avoid upset, so why do this now? why parade her around when ever im there? Its now like im back at square one, i love him so much and trying to get over him is hard enough but its like im experiencing all the pain again. i really dont know how to handle it. thanks anyone who can help
AndrewJ Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 stay away from him. hes playing games. and u are getting hurt.
RecordProducer Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 He wants to hurt you. He's probably not over you yet. He hooked up with the first girl that was at his disposal. You need to ignore him. Don't leave the place. Just don't look at his side and keep doing whatever you were doing before you saw him. That will show him that he didn't succeed in his intentions to hurt you. You don't need him if you fought too much. If he wants you back, he will and should contact you.
DrunkenMonk Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 Agreed. Playing games is never the way to a healthier relationship. You absolutely must be honest about your feelings and not try to do the "make her jealous so she will come back thing". I know this becuase Ive tried this before. A) Its a horrible context to starting over because its an ultimatum type situation (either you be with me or feel this discomfort of me being with someone else... i mean, would you really want someone to be with you just because they arnt strong enough to deal with the hurt that you are trying to inflict?) and everyone knows that only the Sith deal in ultimatums (Star Wars episode III). B) Would you want to be with someone that is that manipulative and decietfull to instead of dealing with his own feelings like a man? Dont **** with him. He is an idiot, and if he ends up souring the last bit of good will that he had by playing around with it and not treating it with the respect that a person's emotions deserve, then he deserves to not have the person that he wants. But be sure that he is trying to use her and doesn't really want her... if he wants her and you just misread the situation, I think that maybe you need to find out what you need to be happy with yourself... I am struggling with this too, but you cant rely on someone else for happiness, because ABSOLUTELY nothing is forever, and time has proven that the best relationships are made of two people that are self sufficient and strong individuals.
Mary3 Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 I would not take him back. Ever. Your relationship has ended for a reason. Sit down tonite and remember what ended it. He sounds like a fruitcake following you around and flaunting his new play toy. You go where YOU want to go . You DO whatever you want to do. Ignore him. Completely.
Author snailz Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 Hi and a big thanks to everyone who has replied, i really appreciate the advice. I think its weird how he rubs it in my face, im thinking maybe its just his way of moving on, i guess in a way i should be happy that he's found someone else- maybe she makes him happy and if i really cared i should just accept that. I really am trying to move on, its just really difficult when he's always there, i mean literally if i move from one side of the bar to the other, he will pick up his glass and move near to me. I was thinking about drinking in a different place but then i thought- hey why should i??? I've always drank there long before he did, all my friends go there and i generally love the place. Im just going to ignore him completely this way he hasn't won, deep down yeah its killing me but he'll never know that because i wont give him that satisfaction, i read an article a while ago that if you face your worst fears or what upsets you, its the only way to deal with it. so im thinking maybe this experience is just going to make me come out stronger, at least now i have closure.
Author snailz Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 But be sure that he is trying to use her and doesn't really want her... if he wants her and you just misread the situation, I think that maybe you need to find out what you need to be happy with yourself... I am struggling with this too, but you cant rely on someone else for happiness, because ABSOLUTELY nothing is forever. Oh i meant to add that ive been thinking about this for a while, its freaky you brought it up, ever since we split its been like i needed him to make me happy, i still think this now partly because i WAS happy when i spent time with him but thats an issue i need to overcome personally. Im getting there, im trying to be a better person in that way- to make myself happy. thanks for pointing that one out again, i think i needed to hear it from someone else
Mary3 Posted August 9, 2005 Posted August 9, 2005 If this is really over , the next time he tags behind you at the bar, just say " Hey you need to leave me alone and I MEAN it " If he persists , then complain to someone at the club or bar. He is stalking you and making his presence known. Tell him to F off and get away from you. Period.
Author snailz Posted August 9, 2005 Author Posted August 9, 2005 sorry to hear about your ex steve- i hope now you are ok, it sounds like you were/are in a worse situation than what i am, what your girlfriend did- asking you all them questions about if you loved her and stuff- its a bit crazy, i can imagine how much that would have hurt you. Now i look back i think my ex was an emotional abuser too, but isnt strange how we go back to these people who upset us and only bring us hurt- why do people do it???? its not just me, ive seen my friends do it all the time- both lads and girls. i dont understand it, is it one of them treat them mean... things maybe? Thanks for your help
Mary3 Posted August 10, 2005 Posted August 10, 2005 Abuse is abuse whether it be emotional , physical , neglectful or mental. I am sorry you both had your loves hurt you in that way. They feel some kind of power when they slap you ( so to speak ) and you take it then they beg forgiveness, then they slap you again. One day you wake up . You realize this is not normal .That make take months or even years ......... Well meaning friends , your parents , EVERYONE will try to help you but untill you SEE what is behind the facade , the mask of abuse twisted as kindness and some macabe love dance , only then can you realize its garbage. Why do we ( or did we ) take it ? Because of some learned odd behavior that we don't deserve better from something in our past that made us feel like we could not do better. Once you get away from the abuser you mind CLEARS and then the help begins. You work TOTALLY on you. You stay away from the abuser. If the abuser likes to taunt you, torment you and continues to try to abuse you. You MUST take legal steps ( if necessary ) to keep them AWAY from you. Take everything they were and everything they did and bring it to living color. Then slowly imagine them fading to grey and then simply nothing. Do this exersize everyday until you cannot bring their image to your mind because they no longer exist. They are in your PAST. Keep them there
Author snailz Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 Take everything they were and everything they did and bring it to living color. Then slowly imagine them fading to grey and then simply nothing. Do this exersize everyday until you cannot bring their image to your mind because they no longer exist. They are in your PAST. Keep them there Hey i love that method its not something i have heard before but im really going to try it. I think that steve has had a far rougher time than what ive had, it sounds terrible, the lad i was seeing was no where close to that, it was just one day he'd be really loving and over-the-top nice and the next day he would be cold and alone, its strange, it went on like that for a long time, he has issues himself so i can understand why he was like that to a certain extent. He has few friends because he prefers to be alone, his family live far away and he never talks about stuff that upsets him, but thats not my problem any more, im really feeling much better this week and slowly moving forward. Some things steve mentioned about going back and getting hurt again makes me think twice about even being friends with my ex.
Author snailz Posted August 11, 2005 Author Posted August 11, 2005 I was just thinking steve- about your ex girlfriends new boyfriend- i wonder if in a few months time she will do the same thing to him when she finds somebody new, better, more fun, better looking.... anything. It seems to me that this girl doesnt and never did know what she wants from a relationship, and i really believe its these sort of people that go through life using people, messing up their minds simply because they are messed up in their own minds.
Mary3 Posted August 11, 2005 Posted August 11, 2005 I know you want to believe you were the BEST she ever had and GAVE her everything . EVERYTHING ! BUT step back and ask yourself : Did she DESERVE it ? NO. So save your wonderful giving selves and give it to someone who DESERVES it next time. We always want to give the best of ourselves . But next time take a good hard look at that person.. There are clues we often ignore. Because its easier to imagine that she would not be that type of girl... But if you dont address this issue NOW then you are bound to repeat it. Remember you have Love Shack and you can ask us tons of questions if you DOUBT her or any new relationship again. Remember : If you are doing all the giving and they are doing all the taking , then there is no * balance * and you are going to get used and hurt. Take time to find the right balance. She should be GIVING too ! Please remember that. We are here to help. Thats why we are here
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