chip Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 any advice...? my girlfriend broke up with me 4 days ago (after a year) i am totally gutted. she initially said it would just be a break but i get the impression that she just wants a total split. I'm 23 and she's 18. i tried my best to be there for her when she needed me and i don't think we've ever really fallen out at all in the year. she's been through a rough patch recently and says she wants to break from everyone including all her friends and family but that that would be impossible as they are family etc. she told me i hadn't done anything wrong and it was all stuff she had to sort out in her head but i can't help feeling if i had made her happy she wouldn't be breaking up with me. at first i told her i just wanted her to be happy and if a split was what she wanted then i would have to go through with it. She asked me to still be her close friend and i agreed even though i knew i didn't want to be just friends. Last night she called me in tears because she says she hates herself for upsetting me i told her it would all be fine and i'd get over it, even though i feel like i won't. i felt like i didn't want to be alive really. Today i sent her a text saying i thought she was doing the wrong thing and that i wanted to be there for her supportively, she never replied and when i called her she was so cold with me and told me she was rushing to get to work, she never even said goodbye. it hurts so much because she was so perfect, we shared all the same interests and tastes and spent a lot of time together. i haven't eaten or slept properly since it happened and i get so upset when i see or hear something that reminds me of what we had. i hope things will work out but I'm so pessimistic about it. Will a break work? does she miss me like i miss her? What's the best course for me to take? i don't want to cut her out of my life completely as we share the same friends and live close but being just friends hurts so much when i want her back.
Addison Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time Chip. I know that it feels like you aren't going to make it through this and still be sane, but you have to believe that it will all turn out ok. I think that if you look around the site and read some of the other people's posts you will find the same advise over and over again. No contact might seem like a cold and horrible thing to do right now, but it really can be a life saver. A lot of people use NC as a way to try and make their ex jealous and to make them want them back. I have to admit that I initially used it for this purpose. I soon found that without talking to them everyday and letting my feelings get hurt over and over again, that I slowly started to feel better. I began to heal and even though I was far from over him, I made it through the days without being completely consumed with sadness and thoughts of him. If she doesn't want to be with you right now there really isn't anything that you can do about it no matter how much you want to fix things. I know it's really hard right now and you feel like you aren't going to be ok without her. Just give it time and read some of the posts about NC. I think that you will find that during this time it is the way to go. Hang in there. We all know how you are feeling.
lostinmymind Posted August 7, 2005 Posted August 7, 2005 It sounds like you are really handling the situation well in terms of giving her freedom to make this choice. The worst thing you can do right now is try and convince her this is a mistake and to tell her how much you care about her. I know that is what you want to do, but look what happened when you did. She was cold and didn't say goodbye. The more you try to change her mind, the worse this will get. Yes, a break can work, but you HAVE to do NC. You need to start moving on and trying to get over it. Don't expect her to come back, act as if she never will. I guess that way if she does it will just be a pleasant surprise. Yes, she misses you like you miss her. She just either knows what she wants, or she doesn't know what she wants. If that makes any sense. She has probably been thinking about this and justifying this for awhile now, that is why it is easier for her to let go. My ex told me the same thing about 5 months ago, we didn't really split officially for another 2.5 months. It was horrible, I think a clean break would have been better instead of slowly saying goodbye, it makes it so much worse. I spent forever trying to get her to realize it was a mistake, but that pushed her farther away. DO NOT DO THIS! I was in the same boat as you, not sleeping or eating (I lost about 20 lbs and I'm small to begin with), but it's getting better now. We don't hang out and only occassionally talk. The thing that helped me most was not calling or talking to her for most of this summer. I feel your pain, but it will get better. Force yourself to do other things, but take time to grieve too. Good luck with everything. Do NC it WILL make you feel stronger.
chip. Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 i've decided to go with the NC action....i think i'm pushing her away even more by trying to win her back...if she doesn't want me then i guess that isn't going to change, especially if iam making her feel guilty. i don't really know how the whole NC thing works.....if she texts me and asks me to hang out as a friend should i just ignore it? and when do i start contact again? she may think i hate her if i dont answer her calls and stuff? we had been friends for years before we went out and we hang out with the same people at the same places so not seeing her is hard. also, some of her things are still here, like a valentines card she gave me and her pictures and stuff, what should i do with these? sometimes when i look at them it brings it all back but i dont want to lose everything we had. i started eating again today but threw it all back up again...i never really slept again last night...thats been 4/5 days since it happened is there any hope? thanks for all the advice x
chip Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 do you think i've already pushed her too far away with somer of the stuff i've told her? first i started telling her i missed her, then i tried to tell her she was wrong to have a break and asked her if she still loved me....she told me she liked me me but that was it.. i regret doing that now because i think i've made her feel more guilty and more in need of space, iam certian she will text me this week and ask to do something as friends though and i dunno what to say...i feel if i ignore her texts and calls she will do something silly because she'll think she's upset me...she's quite unstable at the minute due to a lot of factors including her own health and her family life. i know i can withold from calling and contacting her but what if she contacts me? what should i do??
chip Posted August 8, 2005 Posted August 8, 2005 ok, i was starting my NC today just to see how it would work and test the water for myself....i had no urge to call or text at all, all day. i got into a positive mood this morning and it wasn't till i was alone tonight that the pain started kicking in again. i came upstairs to bed and there was 8 missed calls on my phone and 2 text mesages?! i felt i had to text back because in one she kept asking why i wouldn't speak to her and saying that she felt so low and stuff...eventually she called back and i answered. I made myself sound really positive and hid any sadness i had, she on the other hand sounded really depressed and upset, i eventually apologised for sending her the text yesterday (saying she was wrong to go for a break) and she asked me to meet her on Friday to talk. she kept going on about how iam her only true friend and when i said she had loads of freinds she tried to tell me i was the best of the best for her. is this a good sign? or is it an attempt for her to cement us a "just good friends". any advice would be helpful. x
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