Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) Hi, So about a month ago I met up with a fellow college student in my city that I had been talking to through reddit R4R. He had sent me his Facebook and everything so I already knew he was a little strange, as in very long hair, lots of pictures of his cat, weird selfies lol. But I've dated a few people from his school (an ivy league) and I've realized they're all a bit quirky. So I came to his place and although he definitely is weird, so am I, so we had a great time. I slept over and we had sex which I was perfectly fine with because we had both agreed this was a FWB. The entire sexual experience was just fantastic. So his graduation is the next day (from college) and he has to leave at like 7 AM so he tells me to just stay and sleep. It was really nice. We kind of texted a bit after that, and a few days later he asked if I'd like to come over again but I had plans. He tells me he's free the whole next week in the evenings. So on Friday I text him and he says he's free so we hang out and it was a really great night I met a lot of his friends had some wine got a tour of his weird ass house (it's like an independent college housing thing), but it was really nice. So eventually we go to his room and start hooking up. At one point I kind of looked down at my chest and saw that I had heat rash bumps or some **** and started getting really anxious. He's telling me he doesn't care/didn't notice etc. but I'm just like escalating into panic attack mode and yup had a full blown panic attack in his bed. The next morning he told me that I basically panicked myself to sleep and was having vocal nightmares for a solid two hours. But he was so sweet about it and said he also has anxiety and dealt with panic a lot in high school. So we're both still horny I guess and then we have amazing sex. Then I have to leave so he can go to work so he walks me down says have a good day and I kiss him goodbye but tbh not sure how he felt about that. So he doesn't text me or ask me to hang out for a whole week, and I do kind of miss him. So on a Tuesday I ask him if he's free. He responds and says he'd love for me to come over etc. We had a nice night, he asked if I had fourth of july plans which I did, and I also had work at 7 AM the next day so realistically I just couldn't hang with him and drink. He also asked if I'd like to walk with him to his lab the next morning and get a tour of his school which I would have LOVED to do but I had to go meet with a parent (i'm teaching this summer) at like 9 AM. So I left while he was still kind of sleeping so I wouldn't wake him up. He hasn't texted me first since that night. Last night I went to a lame party so at like 1:30 AM I texted him to see if he wanted to hang and he was super nice and responded right away but said he had a cold and was really exhausted. He asked how my work had been, but then didn't respond to what I said. What do you think he's thinking? Why does't he ever ask me to come over? Why is it always me texting him first? Do you think he wants to be more than friends? What do I do? I like him very much **also, it kind of isn't that easy for us to have sex. I only recently lost my virginity and I guess it's hard for me to relax my vaginal muscle sometimes cause it'll really hurt to put it in. So yeah sometimes it takes a good 4 or 5 tries to actually have sex. Not sure if this could cause him to lose interest. Edited July 9, 2017 by Didyouknow96
d0nnivain Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 I don't think he's thinking anything. When you make it easy for him & show up, you have sex. He is not required to put in effort & he doesn't. You are catching feelings. He's not. Be very careful because you like your friend more then he likes you. He simply enjoys the benefits 5
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 I'm not really catching feelings but like do you think he even wants to be FWB anymore? Because like he doesn't text me to ask me to come over. Like I said he invited me to hang out with him on the 4th of July and to go see his lab. Idk to me that means he at least sort of likes me
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 He seems to think this arrangement is just fine...you call him to hang out and have sex. It's not a relationship where there needs to be a give and take. Sounds to me he's taking all this very casually....he ain't no dummy....he realizes you are at the beginning of getting busy with your teaching, so he is simply leaving the ball in your court at your convenience. BTW I suggest you carry Benadryl with you. Your explosive rash on your chest was from the wine you drank that night. Wine is full of histamines, and it affects people like nose turning red, a stuffy nose, flushed face, or a rash on the chest. Red wine is the worst for that. Just avoid that particular brand you had. As for Vaginal tightness, extend your foreplay. The vaginal muscles relax at full arousal. Some women need more time for this. If it's still an issue you may need to go through the process of using vaginal extenders. Please communicate this issue with your doctor. I know it is awkward to talk about such things, but he or she may be able to provide you with something to help make the experience more comfortable.
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 I'm not really catching feelings but like do you think he even wants to be FWB anymore? Because like he doesn't text me to ask me to come over. Like I said he invited me to hang out with him on the 4th of July and to go see his lab. Idk to me that means he at least sort of likes me Here's a tip about FWB......you need to set ground rules like are you both able to have sex with others, or date others, when to end this arrangement, in the event one catches feelings, how often you will meet, is going out an option, any restrictions like not having sex with others, not to text during certain times, etc. Remember communication is key, and it seems he is receptive to it when you do so that's a plus. He is not a mind reader, so he isn't going to figure out you want him to initiate more.
act00 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 So I'm thinking of the sex part. It shouldn't be painful. I have learned (the hard way) that men who are truly interested in you are also truly interested in pleasing you in bed, foreplay, and getting things all ready. If they're not interested, they don't put in a whole lot of effort, so if you're already nervous and worried about pain, it's not going to be a great experience, plus you just feel like, "What just happened? That was just a waste of time," and emotionally hurt. If you're not relaxed, something isn't right. Your subconscious is getting in the way, and it knows something isn't right. It doesn't seem to be even defined, at all, that this is a FWB situation. It seems you contact him, fall into bed, and then never see him or hear from him until you contact him again, and fall into bed. Rinse and repeat. Did you and him discuss this arrangement? He likes the arrangement, but he's not interested enough to initiate or pursue, whether it's FWB or something more. It's a little confusing because he seems friendly enough and interested enough when you initiate, but there really isn't much reciprocity and the pendulum isn't swinging in the other direction, so I'm thinking, drop the rope. He'll pick it up at some point if he is truly interested. I'm glad Smackie brought up the wine and histamines. I had forgotten this little factoid, and some wines can cause allergic reactions. Don't mix Benadryl with alcohol, though. Benadryl already has a drowsy side-effect. Stay away from that wine, and if you're not sure if the wine was a problem or you had a couple of different wines/beverages, test out the wine when you're in an environment that someone can watch you and take you to the ER if it becomes a bad situation, which normally it never gets that bad, you just learn X wine makes you stuffy or rashy or headachey, and you avoid it.
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 There are other antihistamines that are non drowsy that are ok to take with alcohol : terfenadine, astemizole, loratadine, cetirizine, and levocetirizine.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 He seems to think this arrangement is just fine...you call him to hang out and have sex. It's not a relationship where there needs to be a give and take. Sounds to me he's taking all this very casually....he ain't no dummy....he realizes you are at the beginning of getting busy with your teaching, so he is simply leaving the ball in your court at your convenience. BTW I suggest you carry Benadryl with you. Your explosive rash on your chest was from the wine you drank that night. Wine is full of histamines, and it affects people like nose turning red, a stuffy nose, flushed face, or a rash on the chest. Red wine is the worst for that. Just avoid that particular brand you had. As for Vaginal tightness, extend your foreplay. The vaginal muscles relax at full arousal. Some women need more time for this. If it's still an issue you may need to go through the process of using vaginal extenders. Please communicate this issue with your doctor. I know it is awkward to talk about such things, but he or she may be able to provide you with something to help make the experience more comfortable. Wow thank you, that's such helpful advice! I really thought the rash was just from heat or something, never suspected red wine was the issue. Still wish the panic attack hadn't happened though. I also don't really have a doctor right now, I'm living far from home and don't have time in my schedule to go home to see a doctor during the week.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 Here's a tip about FWB......you need to set ground rules like are you both able to have sex with others, or date others, when to end this arrangement, in the event one catches feelings, how often you will meet, is going out an option, any restrictions like not having sex with others, not to text during certain times, etc. Remember communication is key, and it seems he is receptive to it when you do so that's a plus. He is not a mind reader, so he isn't going to figure out you want him to initiate more. Yeah the main ground rules I wish we had were just like when are we going to hang out. I pretty much sought out this arrangement to gain more sexual experience so it'd be nice if we could meet once or twice a week but I feel so weird texting him that often
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Wow thank you, that's such helpful advice! I really thought the rash was just from heat or something, never suspected red wine was the issue. Still wish the panic attack hadn't happened though. I also don't really have a doctor right now, I'm living far from home and don't have time in my schedule to go home to see a doctor during the week. I'm sure there's a women's/ family planning clinic. They are open on weekends and some are even open in the evening.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 So I'm thinking of the sex part. It shouldn't be painful. I have learned (the hard way) that men who are truly interested in you are also truly interested in pleasing you in bed, foreplay, and getting things all ready. If they're not interested, they don't put in a whole lot of effort, so if you're already nervous and worried about pain, it's not going to be a great experience, plus you just feel like, "What just happened? That was just a waste of time," and emotionally hurt. If you're not relaxed, something isn't right. Your subconscious is getting in the way, and it knows something isn't right. It doesn't seem to be even defined, at all, that this is a FWB situation. It seems you contact him, fall into bed, and then never see him or hear from him until you contact him again, and fall into bed. Rinse and repeat. Did you and him discuss this arrangement? He likes the arrangement, but he's not interested enough to initiate or pursue, whether it's FWB or something more. It's a little confusing because he seems friendly enough and interested enough when you initiate, but there really isn't much reciprocity and the pendulum isn't swinging in the other direction, so I'm thinking, drop the rope. He'll pick it up at some point if he is truly interested. I'm glad Smackie brought up the wine and histamines. I had forgotten this little factoid, and some wines can cause allergic reactions. Don't mix Benadryl with alcohol, though. Benadryl already has a drowsy side-effect. Stay away from that wine, and if you're not sure if the wine was a problem or you had a couple of different wines/beverages, test out the wine when you're in an environment that someone can watch you and take you to the ER if it becomes a bad situation, which normally it never gets that bad, you just learn X wine makes you stuffy or rashy or headachey, and you avoid it. Exactly! I find it very confusing because he's so sweet and friendly when we're together but isn't initiating anything. And yeah exactly, like on reddit we initially kind of talked about it like "for the sake of transparency/communciation, what are you looking for?" And I told him I just wanted to gain more experience with someone I was at least a little attracted to. And idk, before we met up he was making a pretty consistent effort to see me, asking every few days if I was back in (insert the city we're in).
Whodatdog Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 He's probably just a sweet and friendly person. I wouldnt read any more into that.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 He's probably just a sweet and friendly person. I wouldnt read any more into that. Yeah but he also like invited me to walk with him to his lab and to come hang out with him and watch fireworks on fourth of july
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Yeah but he also like invited me to walk with him to his lab and to come hang out with him and watch fireworks on fourth of july Dear he is just "hanging out" with you....doing things that doesn't cost him a dime. A man with real intentions has np spending money, time and effort, to pursue you. That is how a man invests in someone he is serious about. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Yes, he's fine being FWB with you but he's not about to put any effort into it. He's showing you he's pretty indifferent. The anxiety may have something to do with it. I'm not saying this is your fault, but if he thinks you're uncomfortable with him or with sex, he might not really know what to do with that and would rather just leave it up to you to decide when you feel like hooking up. This arrangement probably isn't the best idea for you, ultimately.
stillafool Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 (edited) Hi, I slept over and we had sex which I was perfectly fine with because we had both agreed this was a FWB. The entire sexual experience was just fantastic. What do you think he's thinking? Why does't he ever ask me to come over? Why is it always me texting him first? Do you think he wants to be more than friends? What do I do? I like him very much * I think he is thinking that you both agreed you are just FWBs and he is acting as such. Why do girls agree to be a FWB and then the next day want to be treated like a gf? If you don't want to be treated like a FWB don't agree to be one. Also from what you described above it seems you had no problem with sex but completely enjoyed it. Edited July 9, 2017 by stillafool 1
stillafool Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Yeah but he also like invited me to walk with him to his lab and to come hang out with him and watch fireworks on fourth of july He would have done this with any FWB. He may have more than you. 2
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 I think he is thinking that you both agreed you are just FWBs and he is acting as such. Why do girls agree to be a FWB and then the next day want to be treated like a gf? If you don't want to be treated like a FWB don't agree to be one. Also from what you described above it seems you had no problem with sex but completely enjoyed it. Okay I don't want to be his girlfriend but I am confused by the way he's acting. If he just wants to be a FWB why is he inviting me to go do things with him and like introducing me to his friends. I legit expected for me to just show up to his place and start hooking up right away but like he always wants to talk first and hang out with his friends which I genuinely do appreciate but it confuses me. And also the fact that he's not making an effort, like it doesn't seem like he even wants to be FWB.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 He would have done this with any FWB. He may have more than you. He doesn't lol, he's a pretty socially awkward nerdy guy but that's my type. He literally told me that only me and one other girl replied to his reddit post and that the other girl stopped talking to him once she saw his face.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 No like I always initiate sex when we're hanging out like he knows I had that anxiety attack because I broke out in a rash. Why do you think it's not the best idea. Like I need to get more sexual experience that's the whole reason I'm doing this!
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Okay I don't want to be his girlfriend but I am confused by the way he's acting. If he just wants to be a FWB why is he inviting me to go do things with him and like introducing me to his friends. I legit expected for me to just show up to his place and start hooking up right away but like he always wants to talk first and hang out with his friends which I genuinely do appreciate but it confuses me. And also the fact that he's not making an effort, like it doesn't seem like he even wants to be FWB. This is not all that unusual for FWB. Hence the "friend" bit. I have had a FWB, and I met his friends, sometimes went out for a drink with the group of them. And vice versa. But I had no intention of making him my boyfriend, and he knew this. He also wasn't looking for a relationship with me. It ended when I met a man I really liked and saw as a serious dating prospect. But in the meantime, we enjoyed each other's company and had fun when the occasion called for it. It was casual, we saw each other when we wanted to and that was it. We were not in contact every day. We didn't have "dates", so to speak. We never met each other's families, of course. We got along well and had decent chemistry but wouldn't have been viable long-term material together. What this guy is doing is having fun but keeping it very casual. That's also what you told him you wanted, no?
stillafool Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Okay I don't want to be his girlfriend but I am confused by the way he's acting. If he just wants to be a FWB why is he inviting me to go do things with him and like introducing me to his friends. I legit expected for me to just show up to his place and start hooking up right away but like he always wants to talk first and hang out with his friends which I genuinely do appreciate but it confuses me. And also the fact that he's not making an effort, like it doesn't seem like he even wants to be FWB. I'm a woman and I introduce fellow women friends to my other friends and family. Why because we are friends. Why shouldn't he hang out with you and introduce you to his friends if you are in fact a friend? If meeting his friends is too intimate for you then it is up to you not put yourself in a position to meet his friends or go anyplace with him other than to bed. He can handle more without expecting more from you but you can't handle more without wanting a relationship.
Author Didyouknow96 Posted July 9, 2017 Author Posted July 9, 2017 This is not all that unusual for FWB. Hence the "friend" bit. I have had a FWB, and I met his friends, sometimes went out for a drink with the group of them. And vice versa. But I had no intention of making him my boyfriend, and he knew this. He also wasn't looking for a relationship with me. It ended when I met a man I really liked and saw as a serious dating prospect. But in the meantime, we enjoyed each other's company and had fun when the occasion called for it. It was casual, we saw each other when we wanted to and that was it. We were not in contact every day. We didn't have "dates", so to speak. We never met each other's families, of course. We got along well and had decent chemistry but wouldn't have been viable long-term material together. What this guy is doing is having fun but keeping it very casual. That's also what you told him you wanted, no? I mean yeah that's essentially what I want but I want it to be consistent like as in we hang out every Thursday or every other Friday like idk I just hate how I'm the only one initiating it like that gets frustrating.
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Like I said he is not a mind reader!!!!! Tell him what you expect!. Everyone has their own idea what a FWB entails. It's not a relationship so he doesn't initiate a lot, he hangs out with you, well that's the friends part right? and you have sex. That pretty much sums this up on how he views FWB.
Recommended Posts