Silence

July 8, 2017

He was just bored and wanting entertainment while he was in town. Some guys do that. He said he wanted to get to know you (implying that there will be a future) but he was just saying that to keep the date going.

You can avoid this sort of thing by not dating men who live a long distance away from you (ignore them even when they say they will be moving near you soon).

July 8, 2017

You can avoid this sort of thing by not dating men who live a long distance away from you (ignore them even when they say they will be moving near you soon).

Agreed.

Expecting "permanent", from "temporary" guys who are just passing through is a recipe for disaster.

July 8, 2017

. He said he is attracted to strong older women.

Then act like one.

Strong older women are confident, they do as they wish and don't give a heck to dating rules, they make their own rules. Refusing his invite to lunch was a mistake for all of what D0nnivain listed.

July 8, 2017

How can I address bad behaviour.

If I trotted along to his lunch he would have tried it on and disappeared.

Instead he disappeared anyway.

He is a serial liar.

After only one or two dates, it's not bad behavior, it's lack of interest. PERIOD. This early on you can't/shouldn't have any expectations and they don't owe you anything. Either they ask you out on dates or . . . they don't. So be it. If they disappear without a word after a couple of months or so, that's a different story.

Just because a guy takes you on a couple of dates, that doesn't obligate him in any way to you. It's not an instant relationship.

I don't really know how you behave on these dates, but based on your thread history, the vibes I'd say you're giving off when you go on these dates are desperation and immediate gratification or you come off like the woman in the EHarmony commercials -- A confused, kinda stunned guy is sitting across the table from a woman who is emotional and her mascara is running down her face.

I have said this to you before in your other threads and so have others, stop dating for a long time. Get some counseling and get focused on just YOU for a while. Get right with yourself and your own life as an individual.

July 8, 2017

Have you gone to speak with a counsellor yet?

July 8, 2017

Then act like one.

Strong older women are confident, they do as they wish and don't give a heck to dating rules, they make their own rules. Refusing his invite to lunch was a mistake for all of what D0nnivain listed.

Going to his place for lunch (at his request) [how] is that a good idea? He would have made a move THEN disappeared.

Edited July 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo ~6

July 8, 2017

Going to his place for lunch (at his request) [how] is that a good idea? He would have made a move THEN disappeared.

Then why are you dating him? If you know he's transient and you know he will disappear - why are you dating him?

Perhaps you date these guys because you know they are not truly "available" for a relationship which decreases your anxiety. But, by dating guys who are passing through town and probably mostly looking for sex, you are reinforcing your warped belief that men only want one thing... Don't you think that what you are doing only reinforces your very unhealthy and unrealistic beliefs about relationships?

Edited July 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo in quoted text ~6

July 8, 2017

You really have to take everything with a grain of salt in the beginning of a relationship where everything is new and hot and exciting. It's really, really easy to feel feelings of love, but it's too soon to make that determination. I know it really hurts when things seem to be going so well and they drop off, but something didn't click on their end, whether it's the desire for a fling or they just don't see this working out in the long run. You'll never know the reasons.

Have you reached out to him? Are you waiting for him to initiate contact?

I wonder if you turning down lunch on such short notice was seen as rejection, given he had so little time before having to go home. You were unable to carve out that time for him. I don't know if you had an obligation you could not extract yourself from or if the timing was a little impossible, or if you require pre-planning on everything (no spontaneous get-togethers). You don't state you suggested an alternative time. Like, "What about one instead of noon? I just got home from grocery shopping and need to put stuff away and get changed."

If he's really interested, he'll make contact. You should contact him. Maybe you can see him for a quick meet before he's off on his way.

July 8, 2017

Going to his place for lunch (at his request) [how] is that a good idea? He would have made a move THEN disappeared.

[]

Boundary establishment is a good thing, however, you need to also apply logic and look at the bigger picture sometimes. You're right, it's not a good idea to go to a man's house on short notice and after only one date. But, this guy was going to disappear for sure because he was going to be traveling the next day, not because he had evil intentions necessarily.

You're demonizing him with the wrong reasoning application this time and doing this further adds to your resentment of men which, in turn, affects your ability to find a man who will advance things with you. You're posts drip with disdain for men too sometimes -- maybe that's something you can explore in therapy.

I'm just trying to tell you not to demonize men in every situation all the time. You did the right thing by not going, IMO. This guy just wasn't a good dating candidate because he's not going to be around anyway. He's not evil. You don't really know that he would have done what you imagine. Sure, that could happen, so you don't open yourself up to that possibility that's all. It could have been a nice little lunch, who knows. Since you don't know for sure, just take it with a grain of salt.

Frankly, I am convinced that you are self-sabotaging all these dating scenarios you present because of some deeply rooted "issues".

Edited July 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to typo ~6

July 8, 2017

Going to his place for lunch (at his request) [how] is that a good idea? He would have made a move THEN disappeared.

[]

It was not a *request* it was an invitation.

It was for lunch not an invitation for 11 pm.

You would have headed there with 2 pastries for dessert and had a nice lunch where you would both have had a good time chatting.

I doubt he would have made a move at lunch time but if he did you are 100% capable of saying *no thank you*.

May I remind you you declined his lunch invitation because it was last minute NOT because you felt it was innapropriate!!

Edited July 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo ~6

July 8, 2017

[]
It was not a *request* it was an invitation.

It was for lunch not an invitation for 11 pm.

You would have headed there with 2 pastries for dessert and had a nice lunch where you would both have had a good time chatting.

I doubt he would have made a move at lunch time but if he did you are 100% capable of saying *no thank you*.

May I remind you you declined his lunch invitation because it was last minute NOT because you felt it was innapropriate!!

[] It would be inappropriate if he made a move at lunchtime. I didn't want to rush into a third date & risk this & end badly and I had just had lunch.

Edited July 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo ~6

July 8, 2017

So gutted. I feel for you, because you want to connect with someone but you seem to have such difficulty allowing yourself to trust and be vulnerable with a man. You would benefit from counselling to learn how to manage your anxiety in a relationship, to learn how to set healthy boundaries, and to challenge some of the unhealthy beliefs that you have about men and relationships. I truly feel like you have no idea how to have a healthy relationship with a man.

I will say again, you need a counsellor more than you need a date. I hope you find a counsellor and focus on yourself for a while, because I don't think that you will be successful with dating until you do.

July 8, 2017

[] It would be inappropriate if he made a move at lunchtime. I didn't want to rush into a third date & risk this & end badly and I had just had lunch.

Yes it would have been innapropriate. You would have said *no* and go home and not speak to him again. What's the problem with that?

You don't make a man a gentleman. A man is a gentleman already or he is not. I have been to men's home for lunch or dinner on a 3rd date and was threated like a guest. Same when they came to my home early in the game. Once I invited a man for dinner and he made a move, I declined - he insisted and I asked him to leave. End of story. No one hurt, no one losing anything.

If the man made a move on you at lunch I don't call that *ending badly* I call that filtering men. He acts badly you flush him down the drain. It's a good thing to see his true nature early in the game.

You can avoid going to a man's place for 10 dates, and when you go to his place on your 11th date he jumps all over you and acts like a perv. OR you can go to a man's on a 2nd date for lunch and he doesn't make a move and cook you a nice lunch, which of those 2 guys is a good guy?

Edited July 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo ~6

July 8, 2017

I had had lunch and it was late afternoon. Also, it was an unplanned invite and I did think that it was a bit forward.

It was an unplanned date and you think that was a bit forward, yet after two dates youre acting like you are exclusive with him?

egads.

July 8, 2017

[] It would be inappropriate if he made a move at lunchtime. I didn't want to rush into a third date & risk this & end badly and I had just had lunch.

With him only being in town for a short time, you kind of have to "rush" a little, but why oh why not just have a second lunch?? Or let him know you just ate, so you'd be happy to join him for lunch but will not really eat a lot, or just enjoy some time to hang out for an hour or two. If this guy is "all that," and if you really think this has potential, how about you reach out and apologize?

I'll be honest with you, I don't do well with last-minute plans, particularly around dating. I really feel like they should want me enough to make the effort to plan, and the last-minute planning suggests in so many ways, I'm the last resort when other plans didn't pan out. I get any hesitancy you may have if your feelings run the same as mine, but at the same time, this is a guy who is in town for a short period, and he's likely busy if he's dealing with work, and in my mind, he was thinking, "I have free time and I want to see her again before I go." Now we don't know if he was just after some booty before leaving town, but giving him the benefit of the doubt, he just may have wanted some time.

If this guy is one to consistently keep you on the back burner and not really plan ahead, then I can understand your decision...but if this is the case, at this point, you shouldn't be putting any high expectation of this working out long-term anyway. You established a boundary, he walked, good riddance sort of thing. Otherwise, if all other aspects are great, a last-minute, leaving town, want some smooches and time is a very good sign.

Edited July 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo ~6

July 8, 2017

You have a seriously unhealthy history of dating. Read your past threads, they are all the same. After a date or two, if they dont contact you, you get upset, you get mad, you feel led on, you believe every single word they tell you.

Stop getting so emotionally invested when some guy sweet talks you. They all say the same things, it means nothing. The only thing that means anything is when they actually DO something. If they dont contact you after two dates, so what? Screw em, their loss. Stop moaning about what they said. Stop being so invested in them after a single date. They owe you NOTHING. Shrug it off, tell yourself they lost a chance to be with someone really awesome, and move on.

If they are interested in you, YOU WILL KNOW IT. Guys can't help themselves.

July 8, 2017

Going to his place for lunch (at his request) [how] is that a good idea? He would have made a move THEN disappeared.

[] It would be inappropriate if he made a move at lunchtime. I didn't want to rush into a third date & risk this & end badly and I had just had lunch.

Since you had already eaten, did you tell him that or did you flat out say no & take umbrage at the invitation?

Sometimes a request to go to a man's house is just an invitation to a meal. Granted, it's more often a prelude to sex but you are not obligated to have sex with a guy even when you go to his home. Unless you think a guy is the sort who would lock you in the basement & rape you (In which case why are you even talking to him) you were always free to leave.

Maybe I'm wired differently but I always took early requests for sex as somewhat flattering / complimentary. I said no. The relationship continued. If the guy didn't take no, not yet, for an answer, then I just ended things because then it wasn't about me; he just wanted any warm body with my anatomy.

Building a relationship takes time spent together. Try telling yourself not to care for at least the first month.

July 8, 2017

The OP says she doesn't want a sexual relationship -- it's not clear to me if she means no sex even in a relationship or she means she wants a man who loves her and just not for the sex.

If she means she's just looking for a friend, she needs to join a club, get a hobby or attend social events regularly. If she wants a real relationship that includes sex, these options could work also. Stay off dating sites.

Sex is a normal, natural, human desire/need. Men want sex and they hope they will meet women who want that too. Some women will just want sex also and so a guy who just wants that will take a leap and see if a woman will do that with him. If she accepts and willingly participates, great. Every woman has the right to decline if she's not interested in that.

And, when you date a guy, and you get to a second date, it's a good idea to just open a casual conversation about what you each are looking for overall out of your dating journey's. Just to see if you are on the same page in general. Most guys are pretty upfront about that when the subject comes up. And, there's nothing wrong with them for stating that they aren't interested in a real relationship and just want something casual that involves sex. They are not bad men.

And if a guy says he's looking for a real relationship for himself, the woman still needs to observe how he dates her for a bit to see if he demonstrates sincerity. It's up to the woman to turn away from a scenario that doesn't meet their dating needs.

Dating is a process -- you go on a couple of dates, you evaluate if there's enough interest there to continue or not. It seems the OP is meeting a lot of men who opt out fairly soon . . . it is what it is.

July 8, 2017

The OP says she doesn't want a sexual relationship -- it's not clear to me if she means no sex even in a relationship or she means she wants a man who loves her and just not for the sex.

<snip>

And if a guy says he's looking for a real relationship for himself, the woman still needs to observe how he dates her for a bit to see if he demonstrates sincerity. It's up to the woman to turn away from a scenario that doesn't meet their dating needs.

Dating is a process -- you go on a couple of dates, you evaluate if there's enough interest there to continue or not. It seems the OP is meeting a lot of men who opt out fairly soon . . . it is what it is.

I understood her "no sex" comment to mean she wants long-term and someone who loves her not just for sex, and doesn't want loose, casual sex. Sex and intimacy will be a part of the picture in the future, just not right away in the first few dates.

After this has been brought up a couple times, I'm curious too what the intentions are regarding intimacy.

If the OP doesn't want sex at all, ever, that will be a difficult and long process to find someone like-minded, and this information must be forthcoming. A dating site is probably not the place to go.

I totally agree with the rest, and you have to go through a few frogs first.

July 8, 2017

She said in an earlier post, maybe even a different thread, that she wanted to be celibate until marriage.

July 8, 2017

She said in an earlier post, maybe even a different thread, that she wanted to be celibate until marriage.

Oh yes, I remember now. OP is 40, if not older. No sex before marriage because of her culture BUT she won't date men from her culture.

July 8, 2017

She said in an earlier post, maybe even a different thread, that she wanted to be celibate until marriage.

That's fine. Then she needs to go on dates, make her wishes/goals known, and accept that there won't be a lot of men who want that too.

And, if she is giving her dates this information right away, it may explain why there aren't any more dates. They just aren't on the same page as she is and there isn't nothing wrong with THEM. They aren't doing anything wrong at all. They just don't want to wait until marriage, are respecting her goals and simply not calling for more dates. That's what they should do . . .

July 8, 2017

That's fine. Then she needs to go on dates, make her wishes/goals known, and accept that there won't be a lot of men who want that too.

And, if she is giving her dates this information right away, it may explain why there aren't any more dates. They just aren't on the same page as she is and there isn't nothing wrong with THEM. They aren't doing anything wrong at all. They just don't want to wait until marriage, are respecting her goals and simply not calling for more dates. That's what they should do . . .

In previous threads she explained she waits 3 weeks in dating to tell them *no sex before marriage*. Which of course created an uproar in her past thread.

This no sex rule comes from her culture. She feels it's the only way to catch herself a man. The trick is she won't date men from her culture, she thinks she can date men from other cultures and impose on them the beleif of her culture.

I don't think it's been working for her...............

July 8, 2017

Yesterday ( day after the date) he invited me for a quick lunch (at his place). I declined. As it wasn't arranged beforehand, I didn't think this was a huge deal.

Why do you say he's dropped off when he just invited you to lunch yesterday. What are you expecting?

July 8, 2017

Oh yes, I remember now. OP is 40, if not older. No sex before marriage because of her culture BUT she won't date men from her culture.

Hmmm.

I figured it was a cultural thing.

Trying to mix cultural norms and it's not working out.

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