redglass Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Hi all, I'm not even sure what to write in this thread. I don't usually talk about my problems with anyone, but I guess it has reached that critical stage. In October, I'll have been in a relationship for 8 years. I'm engaged. But I've never felt so alone. My relationship is hanging by a thread at the moment. A few weeks ago, my fiancé said he wanted to leave, and I convinced him to give us a last chance. He agreed to stay - reluctantly. I think it's over, but I really don't want it to be. I have no idea what to do. I feel constantly anxious. I'm struggling with my mental health at the moment, which has had a huge effect on my relationship. I feel like my partner wants to leave the relationship, but I have no idea how to go about this. We live together and share pets, bank accounts, all of our belongings. He isn't happy with me and believe I need to let him go, but I have no idea how to do this. He won't talk to me properly. Probably scared of upsetting me. I guess I'm asking how I can best deal with a break up when I don't want to break up! I'm sick of being selfish, but I'm also terrified. What the heck do I do?
lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 OP I so feel for you! And can totally relate! I am going through a break up of a 11 year relationship. We were also engaged. He just broke it off one day and moved all his stuff out over the weekend. Truthfully - It was more devastating to be in a loving (yet somewhat distant) relationship one day and not in one the next. You know about his unhappiness and him wanting to leave. You have some time to harden up and do the deed. I recommend you just write down a plan and execute it. I know it is hard to let go. I keep on reminding myself that love has to be given freely. If he does feel that you are the best option for him, then you will only be getting breadcrumbs. I keep telling myself I deserve a full and delicious sandwich. He, for his own reasons which I cannot control, cannot give me a sandwich, only breadcrumbs. Those are his issues and his demons to fight. It does not mean I am worth any less just because he does not want to be with me. I am about a month out and it does get easier to adjust and accept over time. The raw emotions do subside. And it will give you time and space to work on yourself. 3
spiderowl Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 (edited) I am so sorry Redglass, I feel for you. You know deep down that there is no point hanging on to him if he wants to leave. You have been plunged into a state where you are trying to process too much - him wanting to leave, the thought of being alone, not knowing what the future is, the practicalities, not to mention the grief. I know it must seem overwhelming. I agree with the other poster that making a plan might help you to feel more in control. Think of it as gaining the opportunity of a different and hopefully better future rather than nothing but loss. You will feel rejected for a while, sure, but not being a match does not mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means he is drifting in a different direction. You have not had chance to make sense of this or process it yet so it is going to feel scary and threatening Maybe if you make a decision yourself to go through this break-up and forge the best future you can for yourself, it will be easier to cope with. Do you have friends who can support you? Family? Talking to others can help. Counselling can help too. It is a time to seek what support you can get. I know when something like this happens it is as if the ground has been pulled from underneath you. Just bear in mind that it is still there, even though it feels shaky, and that you will come through this. One day you will look back and wonder why you put up with it for so long. Someone, somewhere is just desperate to meet you and be with you and make you feel loved. Edited July 7, 2017 by spiderowl 2
Amas5750 Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 Radical truth. You must seek the absolute truth to come forth from his lips- then you will know deep down which way to go. Youre probably nauseous because he hasnt given you all the facts of his thoughts. I'd go in search of his deepest thoughts and communicate yours...you will then know what HAS to be done based on facts n truths 1
Author redglass Posted July 8, 2017 Author Posted July 8, 2017 (edited) Hi all, Thanks for the replies... Mod, I have no idea what happened to my thread title... there should be an 'advice' on the end. Can it be fixed?? Thanks lonely planet: wow, 11 years! And I thought 8 was tough. I feel for you. How are you doing now? spiderowl: thanks for your reply. I have had counselling recently, but it isn't really a method that I find helpful. In fact, talking about things has increased my anxiety. I have big problems with nightmares and I only found they increased to become nightly when I was receiving counselling. I decided to stop. I do have friends and family, but I admit I have neglected my friends a bit during the relationship. My family lives abroad/at the opposite end of the country. I thought I'd give a bit more background to the situation. I'd welcome as many views as possible. I think it's fair to say that the end of any long-term relationship for anybody is really, really hard. But this is going to be really, really shattering for me. We're best friends as well as a couple and we do everything together. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD (past issues) and these do not make me easy to deal with at times. I have taken anti-depressants before, but for the past few months I'm ashamed to admit that I have been self medicating with alcohol - and this has caused arguments. My partner asked me to stop drinking a couple of weeks ago and I agreed to this. Bar one night, I haven't had any since. I - we - are actually at a critical career stage at the moment, to add to all of this. A few months ago I quit my job to start my own business. I get the keys to my shop on Monday, and I open in a month's time. This is meant to be a family business! My boyfriend was planning to quit his job to run this business with me. At the moment that is all up in the air for obvious reasons. Due to the nature of the business, doing this alone is going to be very hard for me. I'm finding it very stressful. My partner hates his job and he has been sad and stressed recently (he is about to turn 40 next week - and I think this is playing on his mind, too). I guess I feel uncertain about the relationship and the career change now. I don't want to break up. I want to work things out if they are at all salvageable. But I am trying to prepare for the worst in advance. I feel like I'm going crazy and am on the brink of a breakdown. The problem at the moment is that my partner is highly changeable. One day he can be loving and things feel almost normal. Then I'll get silence, sulking and the whole situation feels tense and hopeless. He's stressed because of his situation, and I guess because of us. I don't know how much of this stress is to do with me and how much is other factors. Edited July 8, 2017 by redglass
spiderowl Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 (edited) It sounds a very stressful situation all round. I am sure drinking will not have helped, but you know that. I hope you and your boyfriend can work through this, but it does sound as if he's highly stressed and his feelings might have changed. If he feels you will turn to drink under stress, that is likely to worry him. The fact that you have already had arguments over it shows that it was a problem to him. Will he talk to you at all about the situation? Maybe he just needs some down time and for you to stop drinking to give him a chance to reflect. I hope so. Edited July 8, 2017 by spiderowl
Seth0194 Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 See if giving each other some space might work, some times absence makes the heart grow fonder. No break up is ever easy, they more times then not end badly, if they didn't they wouldn't end. 8 years is a long time, be happy for the great memories, if you two are friends maybe time will have you two back together. I always say don't bank on it, but it has happened countless times before. Take some time to digest what is happening, ask him why he wants out, that you want to full truth, no holding back and that you might not like why, but will respect it, as long as it is the truth. (one last thing, my mind is all over the place on this one) Have you two tried counseling? I know a lot of people don't want too, if it was 1-3 years, I would not even suggest it, 5+ years is a long time and worth the try.
Superchicken Posted July 9, 2017 Posted July 9, 2017 Look, I had a similar situation with my wife a few months ago. I had enough, and made a last ditch attempt to fix it. I had a list of fixes and changes that I needed to see for me to stay in the relationship. I made a list, and also asked her for her issues that she wanted fixed, or needed from me. The list was then exchanged, and we reviewed it together, and sorted it out. I suggest you do a similar thing, and see where the problems are, or things he and yourself, are missing from each other. Lastly, re assure him, you will fix it. The fact he's still there giving it another go, spells volumes. He's still having some feelings for you, and does want you, by still being around. You have that thought, to keep with you for now. Now, if it goes tits up, its not the end of the world. There's more of us (Guys) out there, some better and some worse than your guy. You do have options with your life. It doesn't end here. It will be painful for a little while, and you'll eventually meet someone else again. Oh, my wife's request to what she wanted fixed.. Nothing a shovel over her head didn't fix.. Ted.
Recommended Posts