anassa Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 At the end of every relationship in which I cared about a person, we always vowed to stay friends. But how much of that is due to sheer terror over the thought of that conversation being the last one ever? Or we think about the shame of losing someone who knows us so well, who at one point demonstrated great qualities. But are they the same person at the end of the relationship, or at least, do/can they still treat us the same way? Even as I'm working through the fresh pain of a breakup right now, I admit the fantasy of being friends in the future is keeping me going, helping me to stay no contact for now. But I think this is just part of the addiction withdrawal. Looking back on past relationships, once I truly got over them as a romantic figure, I haven't felt the desire to reach out and be friends, except one singular case. It no longer feels like they would add value to my life (and the feeling is probably mutual). It's the weekend and staying NC is extra hard so I guess I'm writing this to remind myself. We must wait until we achieve a state of indifference before we can objectively assess their potential as a friend. 5
basil67 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 The biggest fallacy is thinking that an ex can actually be a regular friend. OK, it may happen in some rare situations, but it's not the norm. Mostly it becomes all too messy. No Contact isn't meant to be a temporary state - it's about setting you up so that you can move forward without them. 1
central Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 It's not a fallacy, but it depends on many things. I am friends with several exes, where we were able to end things amicably because we agreed we weren't compatible in a romantic relationship. A couple of these friendships span 40 years, others 20 years, another just a few. Anyone who treated me poorly is no longer a friend, of course. Or, if we don't have a lot in common aside from the original romantic interest, we didn't stay friends. But there are great people, with compatible interests, who just aren't a good match romantically - they make good friends. 1
SpecialJ Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Agree with Central. Friendship is always a big component of my relationships... if I didn't like them on that level too, why would I date them??? So I have some very close friends of years and years out of relationships that weren't going to pan out because we weren't compatible enough in that way. But you both have to be on that page about your feelings, and committed to getting through the rocky part in order to become friends. I also have had relationships that have not become friendships, usually because the guy was really disrespectful toward me about how he ended it. Then it should be good riddance, even though it won't feel that way right away. However, these also tended to be more serious to me than the ones I stayed friends with, because we seemed more romantically compatible, so emotions are stronger, cuts are deeper, and then it doesn't work out to keep them around. Stay no contact until you get over it and can figure out which way you want to go with the ex 1
Author anassa Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 I am only speaking about relationships that ended amicably and where there are lots of shared interests. I'm finding that even then, there's not a lot of exes I have wanted to stay friends with after the getting over them period. I'd hang out with them if they reached out, but I have no desire to actively pursue it. The fallacy ... I didn't mean it doesn't happen (I have one ex who is one of my best friends) ... but that this burning desire to stay friends after breaking up most often passes.
SpecialJ Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 That's normal because friends also eventually means dealing with them dating other people. And unless your feelings really did fade all the way out, a little jealousy is normal so the friendship is more complicated. Many people find it easier to just not deal with all that, so there's not much drive to want to really become friends. There are lots of people you've never dated it might be easier to hang out with!
whatnot Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 At the end of every relationship in which I cared about a person, we always vowed to stay friends. But how much of that is due to sheer terror over the thought of that conversation being the last one ever? Or we think about the shame of losing someone who knows us so well, who at one point demonstrated great qualities. But are they the same person at the end of the relationship, or at least, do/can they still treat us the same way? Even as I'm working through the fresh pain of a breakup right now, I admit the fantasy of being friends in the future is keeping me going, helping me to stay no contact for now. But I think this is just part of the addiction withdrawal. Looking back on past relationships, once I truly got over them as a romantic figure, I haven't felt the desire to reach out and be friends, except one singular case. It no longer feels like they would add value to my life (and the feeling is probably mutual). It's the weekend and staying NC is extra hard so I guess I'm writing this to remind myself. We must wait until we achieve a state of indifference before we can objectively assess their potential as a friend.I can't imagine never seeing my ex again. I also can't imagine ever seeing my ex again. I think the gravity of seeing what I once thought I wanted would put me over the edge.... 1
SammySammy Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 I've never had a good result from trying to be friends with exes. Each time it ended up being harmful to me. With them INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt me. That's why I stick to "exes are exes for a reason". Keeps me safe. And sane.
Author anassa Posted July 8, 2017 Author Posted July 8, 2017 Even though I believe in what I wrote, I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions right now. I miss spending weekends together. I'm not going to act on it because it would be exchanging immediate comfort for long term pain. But I've basically wasted Friday night wrangling with inner self 1
basil67 Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 Even though I believe in what I wrote, I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions right now. I miss spending weekends together. I'm not going to act on it because it would be exchanging immediate comfort for long term pain. But I've basically wasted Friday night wrangling with inner self It's not a wasted Friday. Unfortunately it's part of the grieving process and recovery you need to go through. 1
Amas5750 Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 Im only email friends (occasional) with one of my exes My fresh break up .. i dont know if we will be friends. We dont have shared interests really.. nor mutual friends... so maybe not. But at this stage its kind of horrific to imagine i wont see him I think to see them date again would be uber upsetting
d0nnivain Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 Let's be friends is more about not being enemies. Most dumpers don't want to be the reason someone they used to care about is in pain. They want to ease their own conscious. It's not really about being friends. You won't talk / text. You need to unfollow each other on social media. You won't get together. At best when you accidentally bump into each other you can exchange pleasantries for a few minutes.
Author anassa Posted July 8, 2017 Author Posted July 8, 2017 In all situations where I have been the dumper, it has been about fear not guilt. I have never ended a relationship because I fell out of love, only ones where it became evident it wasn't going to lead to what I ultimately want -- a commitment -- so I had to cut my losses. In these situations I have never felt guilty, only scared to let go. The reason it's hard in my current situation is that I need to keep staying away for my own good. But actually the model example for my OP was a past situation where they dumped me. And they didn't like keeping exes as friends, but I was desperate that they see it important to do so. They agreed (maybe out of guilt as you say) but I didn't feel the desire to stay friends later on. He did everything right in terms of treating a person well and ending a RL. Just ended up feeling indifferent.
Blanco Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 Some people conflate "friends" with "friendly." Most exes who end the relationship don't want to be textbook-definition friends. They want to be friendly if they see you in passing. They want to know you don't despise them.
Frostedflake Posted July 8, 2017 Posted July 8, 2017 I never befriend exes. If you're in need of friends then seek friendship with people you don't have a history with. Truth is, even if you agree that history isn't relevant to the friendship- IT IS. People don't forget. Never worth it. Plenty of people out of the billions in the world that have those same attributes that you desire to make a friend out of.
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