Lengthy. First break up & dealing with the guilt 2 months later.

[soltouched]

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read this. I am a new member here after lurking on this site for the past two months. If it will help, I should mention that I am 19 years old and dated my first boyfriend for 11 months. I have never been in love before until now and I have never really had such heartbreak before either. I apologize for the lengthy backstory, but I really need help. I feel very lost and cannot see the light. I appreciate whatever I can get.

 

We became best friends after getting back in touch after a couple years during our last two years of high school. We were very inseparable and spent a lot of time bonding over video games and anime. We are young so we are still into childish things. It was one of the things I loved about him. He made me very happy and I was glad to have someone who enjoyed my time as much as I did theirs. We introduced one another to new things and we made each other feel less alone.

 

I don't mean to digress there. I just wanted to show that we had a very close friendship as well as a close relationship as well. When we first started dating, I was aware that we were obviously in the honeymoon phase. I am not his first girlfriend, so I didn't expect much other than to be pretty much the same with the other obvious things added in. He seemed very happy to finally be together after months of feeling like he didn't want to ruin our friendship and felt our relationship would eventually fall. It was a relief when he told me that those fears were gone and I felt good that we could resume without worries on either of our ends.

 

Of course, there were some misunderstandings which is normal for any relationship, but he saw that it bothered me without me having to say much and offered solutions as well as apologies. I forgave them because I had complete trust in him and he also trusted me as well. In the beginning of our relationship, he had told me that we were a team and that neither of us would have to handle anything alone. He proved that to me during our little misunderstandings and I was so happy that we were able to agree on that. Then, few months pass and I don't really remember what happened that brought up the conversation over text, but he was upset with me and told me that the issue was "beyond repair". His vagueness was driving me crazy to the point of tears. It wasn't until much pleading to tell me what was wrong that he finally told me the issue. In a nutshell, he was upset that I was spending time with others as opposed to him. I did not know this was the issue because he didn't address it to me. I admitted that I was caught up in the enjoyment of being involved in activities with others because I didn't have many friends in the first place and enjoying my new gaming system. It is also important to note that for the past two summers, we have hung out ALMOST everyday. When he came over, he appeared normal and happy as always to be together, so I surely would have picked up on his sadness. I began to make more of an effort to be there for him, until he began to tell me that I was clingy. This lead to me going back to what I was doing before with others, and also lead to him going back to what he was doing before and not telling me what was wrong. Had he told me that I had once again became too distant for him, I would have corrected my behavior. I don't want to beat myself up for not being able to find a middle ground but... I just wish he could have helped me and communicated with me more.

 

He understands that I love him more than anything and would have done anything I could to make him happy. I don't know what possessed him to believe that he couldn't come to me and help solve the issue like a team would. It has been incredibly painful and I have told him that his pain is mine and has been for the past four years that we've been so close.I have proven time and time again of the measures I would go to to make sure he had what he needed ( our family's financial situations are different ) or wanted.

 

Recently, when the topic came up again, I told him that I couldn't fix what I didn't know again. His response was that I couldn't give him the results he wanted so he "handled it himself". Please note that this is the same person who told me that we were a team just months ago. The fact that he tells me this after he ends the relationship absolutely hurts. He says he "didn't change", but this is clearly a chance. Perhaps not a conscious one, but still a change.

 

In addition to "handling it himself", he had gotten the same gaming system as me and the people I played with who also happened to be his friends. He was upset with them also because they moved onto the next gaming generation and pretty much left him in the dust. They didn't speak as much, they didn't invite him to places. I understand he felt alone, so I feel that he also felt this way when I unintentionally became involved with them and felt left out. He also got in contact with other friends and was chatting and playing with them a lot as well. It didn't take me until a month after our break up to realize what was going on here. Instead of helping us knock down this wall between us and get closer again, he did the same things I did to him, except purposely. I brought my observation to his attention recently and his only response was that "when I start doing it, it's a problem. Dare I call hypocrisy?" That hurt a lot. I never said it was okay. In fact, as explained above, I changed my behavior until he felt I was being clingy. The difference between us is that I am someone who doesn't hold the issue in. I come with solutions and want to work it out together. He, on the other hand, "doesn't want to make a big deal out of it" and just holds in the pain. That is not love. I may be young, but what doesn't feel right for me, I will not do to my partner.

 

It got so bad that before our break up that I was trying so hard to avoid, I would continue to ask him to join me in things because I knew he wanted to spend time together. He would tell me "I don't need you to be entertained" instead of simply telling me no. It really threw me off because he never ever said something like this to me before. I was clear in telling him how I felt about it and that it wasn't very nice. He claims he's "just being 100" or not sugarcoating things. I believe there is a difference between being rude and being honest. I understand that we do not need each other; however, we do want to be with each other. If he didn't, why were we dating in the first place? This continued on and it took a toll on my self esteem and made me wonder why I was even his girlfriend in the first place. It felt he was giving me a taste of my own medicine, except I never said or would have said something like this to him. I would have never made him feel the way I do. Eventually, he would reject my affection, telling me to tone down my I love you's and such. I admit it was too frequent at first, so I stopped. Then, it was "mushy", yet this was the person who wouldn't leave me alone with the affection and I miss you's when I went away for a week. I get that was during the honeymoon phase, but this didn't feel right to me at all.

 

The last straw was two months ago, when I sent him a picture of a place I was at with my mother. We were supposed to hang out the day after, had things not done the way they did. I sent the picture saying, "we should come here one day". He tells me, "you're already there. what do you need me for?". The need thing set me off. I said, "why is everything a NEED with you? I WANT to come here with you. I want to make new memories this summer together and have fun." This was to change up our old hang out routine into something more fun and also to make him feel more appreciated and become closer again. Having my efforts and affection rejected time and time again took a toll on my self esteem and lack of enthusiasm about us or our anniversary the following week. It was impossible to get him to understand how this was making me feel and that two wrongs don't make a right. I texted him, "then since you don't need me, I don't need you either. I don't need to see you for the next 10 days". He agreed at first and then came back. He felt that nothing was going to change ( because he wouldn't help me! ) and ended the relationship. I really lost it. I have never been more angry in my life.

 

I exchanged a lot of hurtful words, projecting my anger and feelings of being lied to about loving me and being a team and about feeling abandoned that day. I honestly felt that he did not care about me at all with his behavior. I hardly got angry with him or anyone, so I didn't know how to handle my anger and express my frustration in a different way. I was a complete mess and still am. Because of those words, he says he cannot trust me how he used to. I don't want to play the who hit who harder game, but we both were very mean to each other. I expressed sincere regret and hurt over what I said. I also want him to realize what he did to me as well. We love each other, but it sucks how we went from inseparable to not seeing one another for two months. I miss my best friend.

 

I apologize if this post is all over the place. I feel it is but I wanted to explain the events leading up to this. I am sorry. This may seem very childish, I know, but we are both 19 years old. I don't want to call his issue with me childish because as my boyfriend, no matter the issue, it was important to me as it was to him and I wanted to help him no matter what. I just don't understand how someone can do this. I don't understand how we hurt each other like this. I am trying to be the bigger person and apologize and reestablish trust. I really, really do love him so much. I just want this pain in my chest to go away and the light in my life to come back. I feel awful. I wanted to go somewhere unbiased. Has anyone had this happen before? Just simply saying things out of anger? I love him so much. I am disgusted with myself.

[Zahara]

Then, few months pass and I don't really remember what happened that brought up the conversation over text, but he was upset with me and told me that the issue was "beyond repair". His vagueness was driving me crazy to the point of tears.

 

Recently, when the topic came up again, I told him that I couldn't fix what I didn't know again. His response was that I couldn't give him the results he wanted so he "handled it himself".

 

I think he was finding excuses to end it with you. I have to believe there was really no issue but one that he manufactured to use as an excuse/reason to guilt you and end it rather than take accountability for his feelings changing towards you and the relationship. He took the cowardly way out.

 

Unfortunately, when an ending happens and emotions are high, things can get out of hand and people become reactive and defensive. Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all been in your situation. You're human and you're hurting.

 

I think you should remain NC and keep on your journey with healing. There will come a time when indifference sets in and you will be in a better frame of mind to decide if you would like to apologize. For now, protect your heart and focus on moving forward.

[soltouched]

thank you for your input. he did reveal to me later on that he did want to be friends before breaking up with me which made me feel very awkward. that's basically leading me on, right? for a long time he seemed happy & I felt as close to him as always, but then this happens. I did do NC for some time & it helped me sort myself out, but I found myself spiraling into some sort of weird place & broke it to ask him to admit to me that he doesn't love me so I can put it into my mind & be even more determined to erase me from his life & him from mine. Prior to this, when I would miss him, I would repeat this scenario to myself until I was convinced of this. When I did ask him though, he said, "who said this was how I felt at all?" & that if I was really willing to fix things between us, I wouldn't have wanted to cut ties altogether. He also said that he is being open and optimistic for something happening again between us later on & said that he wasn't giving up like I said he was. The words "not now" also keep coming up as well. Prior, he did tell me that it would be a hassle to do so. once again, I am in confusion. This part confused me because he did give up. He didn't help our relationship when we both needed the help. He also told me because of what I said out of anger, that he feels he can't trust me like he did before, which is understandable. I will not excuse myself for the hurt I caused him even though I was hurt too. I wanted to get my feelings across, but that isn't the way to do it. I am very ashamed.

 

I am not trying to give myself some sort of hope or anything, because even if we were to get back together someday, we both have to reestablish trust within one another & have a sit down about all of this & start from the beginning. I really love him, he is my best friend, & I am probably silly to say that I would like to try again someday in the future because what we had was really wonderful until it wasn't, but that's how I feel at the moment.

 

you're not a mind reader, & heaven knows I wish I was, but I'd like your input on this as well please & thank you.

[Zahara]

thank you for your input. he did reveal to me later on that he did want to be friends before breaking up with me which made me feel very awkward. that's basically leading me on, right?

 

Dumpers usually extend "friends" because it's the polite thing to do, and in some way lessen the hurt that the dumpee is feeling and I will agree that usually it's to keep you in their back pocket just incase they have a reason to revisit.

 

 

for a long time he seemed happy & I felt as close to him as always, but then this happens. I did do NC for some time & it helped me sort myself out, but I found myself spiraling into some sort of weird place & broke it to ask him to admit to me that he doesn't love me so I can put it into my mind & be even more determined to erase me from his life & him from mine. Prior to this, when I would miss him, I would repeat this scenario to myself until I was convinced of this. When I did ask him though, he said, "who said this was how I felt at all?" & that if I was really willing to fix things between us, I wouldn't have wanted to cut ties altogether. He also said that he is being open and optimistic for something happening again between us later on & said that he wasn't giving up like I said he was.

 

Actions versus words. When someone wants to be with you, they show you with action. They make it known to you and they make the effort. His words do not match his actions. And in that sense, it's unreliable and you should not hold on to them. Plus he sounds controlling and that isn't a good thing. Take that as a red flag.

 

The words "not now" also keep coming up as well. Prior, he did tell me that it would be a hassle to do so. once again, I am in confusion. This part confused me because he did give up. He didn't help our relationship when we both needed the help. He also told me because of what I said out of anger, that he feels he can't trust me like he did before, which is understandable. I will not excuse myself for the hurt I caused him even though I was hurt too. I wanted to get my feelings across, but that isn't the way to do it. I am very ashamed.

 

Stop feeling ashamed. As I said before that when we're overwhelmed with hurt and anxiety, it's often that we react and say or do things that we may regret. You need to forgive yourself. If you believe that your actions further jeopardized your relationship with him or the potential of getting back together, I strongly believe that in his mind, it was over even before your exchange.

 

I am not trying to give myself some sort of hope or anything, because even if we were to get back together someday, we both have to reestablish trust within one another & have a sit down about all of this & start from the beginning. I really love him, he is my best friend, & I am probably silly to say that I would like to try again someday in the future because what we had was really wonderful until it wasn't, but that's how I feel at the moment.

 

You feel this way now because you are in an emotional fog. Trust when you've detached emotionally you will start to see things in a different light. And by then realize that you can probably do better. Exs mean the world to us in that there will never be another like them when we are hurting and emotionally romanticizing. This is your first relationship and you are 19, there will be more best friends and lovers to come in the decades of your life. This isn't the end. For now, heal your heart and focus on what's ahead. You have much to look forward to. Embrace this as a lesson and experience and move on.