2005tahoe Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 I have been talking to this gorgeous lady via OLD. She lives an hour away and plan on meeting tonight at a local to her coffee shop. She is 42 and was married 18 years with 2 kids, 20 and 21, I am 38. She is very attractive and works in a male dominant career, car salesman, we are both in the automotive business. We have talked this week and gotten to know each other fairly well so far. We have the same outlook and goals, no games, no drama, no lying. Upon just talking to me a few days she hid her OLD profile saying that she only concentrates on one guy at a time, she doesn't multidate. A few things concern me, it may be my insecurities or jealousy or her liking the attention she gets from men. She talks about coworkers asking her out, hitting on her, taking her to lunch and so on. I have mentioned some of my jealousy about that, I would rather things end now than meeting her and liking her more. She says that when she is dating that she doesn't communicate with male friends and stops the flirting from guys, I know, actions speak louder than words. Also, she brags about material things that she has and how nice stuff is. Like, she has a storage unit full of nice china, clothes, furniture, etc... She was treated like a princess. Also, how her ex made over 200k a year in the IT field. I don't make nowhere near that and she knows that, but she says shes not looking for that anymore, that she can pull her own way, as well as I can. I just wanted your opinions on this, I know most of it is my issues. I am just looking for advice of those who have dated someone like that, or can give me advice on myself.
GorillaTheater Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Seems to me that you're definitely getting overly-jealous and probably over-concerned over a woman you barely know and haven't even met yet. Don't let your insecurities get the best of you. Relax, and enjoy the meeting. Figuring out whether she's relationship-material is usually a process, one you've barely begun at this point. 3
stillafool Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 She sounds very immature for a woman her age. She sounds like an attention seeker and definitely materialistic. Men hit on women all day long and at her age she should know how to handle it without throwing it in your face. Why tell you unless she is trying to make herself look desirable. I would next her quickly if I were you. 3
Author 2005tahoe Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 She sounds very immature for a woman her age. She sounds like an attention seeker and definitely materialistic. Men hit on women all day long and at her age she should know how to handle it without throwing it in your face. Why tell you unless she is trying to make herself look desirable. I would next her quickly if I were you. I know people say go with your gut, and that is my feeling as well. But like gorilla said, I do have insecurities and I am working on them. I just wanted others opinion besides my own
OatsAndHall Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 You're only insecure if you actually go out on a date with this woman... My money (not what's going to come out of your wallet on a date..) says that you're going to hear all of the same stuff if you go out with her.
kendahke Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 She intimidates you. She's pretty much letting you know that she doesn't need you to support her or pay her way or give her things. I'd say you've got a winner there, but you're reaching for every lame excuse to feed your insecurity than seeing that you've got a confident woman who knows when to shut down the candy store and concentrate on you. I'd say cancel the meeting and save her the gas money. You're not up for a woman who isn't a messy case, needing a guy to rescue her.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 She intimidates you. She's pretty much letting you know that she doesn't need you to support her or pay her way or give her things. I'd say you've got a winner there, but you're reaching for every lame excuse to feed your insecurity than seeing that you've got a confident woman who knows when to shut down the candy store and concentrate on you. I'd say cancel the meeting and save her the gas money. You're not up for a woman who isn't a messy case, needing a guy to rescue her. Totally disagree. Any person, female or male, who needs to brag as much as this woman is doing does not display actual confidence. 2
kendahke Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Totally disagree. Any person, female or male, who needs to brag as much as this woman is doing does not display actual confidence. We don't know if she was actually bragging--you're taking the word of an insecure person who is spinning a tale.
Author 2005tahoe Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 We don't know if she was actually bragging--you're taking the word of an insecure person who is spinning a tale. What is it called then when the same thing has been repeated several times over the last few days, I understand that she has nice stuff, but told almost daily. I mean, I like her but to a point to where I don't need to be told that.
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 You do have insecurities & they show through in this thread. I doubt you can date a woman strong enough to sell cars. Selling anything, by definition, involves a little bit of flattery & flirting. It will make you crazy. That said, even if you could suck it up & deal with your issues, your gut isn't wrong here. There was no good reason for her to tell you how much money her EX H earned or about all her material possessions. Something is off with her. It's a coffee date set for tonight. You are not getting married. Go. It's kind of too late to cancel / would be rude IMO (even though OLD dates flake all the time, don't be that guy) Meet her. You need the dating practice. Afterwards say thanks but no thanks, best wishes & move along. 2
kendahke Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 What is it called then when the same thing has been repeated several times over the last few days, I understand that she has nice stuff, but told almost daily. I mean, I like her but to a point to where I don't need to be told that. Any reason why you havent' said this to her? Any reason why you haven't asked her why she shares this with you and that you don't really want to know that?
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 She sounds very immature for a woman her age. She sounds like an attention seeker and definitely materialistic. Men hit on women all day long and at her age she should know how to handle it without throwing it in your face. Why tell you unless she is trying to make herself look desirable. I would next her quickly if I were you. Well said. I honestly was encouraged when I read beginning of OP. Thinking what is the problem? then came the next paragraphs. There are so many red flags I surprised that you felt the good points you mentioned up front. She sounds like drama & boasting to make up for what she is NOT. Decent looking girls get hit on and flirted with all the time--there is no reason to broadcast that or EVEN relay it to some new guy you're interested in, unless you are a person with character issues. Be-ware! Don't believe her own hype. I won't even go into the materialistic stuff as I'm sure others will comment on it but it's a huge red flag. Also no need to mention that stuff to a new guy--unless you are setting expectations with him of wanting him to fund a princess lifestyle. ugh
Author 2005tahoe Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 I understand that I have insecurities, and I appreciate the advice. But, for those of you that have had them, how did you get over them? I am aware, that with them, each date may be compromised. Like most of us here, we have been done wrong in the past. I have gotten better, but there are times where I'm ready to date and times I'm not.
Author 2005tahoe Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 Well said. I honestly was encouraged when I read beginning of OP. Thinking what is the problem? then came the next paragraphs. There are so many red flags I surprised that you felt the good points you mentioned up front. She sounds like drama & boasting to make up for what she is NOT. Decent looking girls get hit on and flirted with all the time--there is no reason to broadcast that or EVEN relay it to some new guy you're interested in, unless you are a person with character issues. Be-ware! Don't believe her own hype. I won't even go into the materialistic stuff as I'm sure others will comment on it but it's a huge red flag. Also no need to mention that stuff to a new guy--unless you are setting expectations with him of wanting him to fund a princess lifestyle. ugh This princess lifestyle is not something that I will do, nor, can afford. I mentioned that up front. She told me since she has been divorced (4 years) that she has managed to handle things on her own, as well as I have. So, she knew that up front and has the decision on whether to carry on with talking or find someone else better matched.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 There are two things happening here; YOUR insecurities and HER need for attention and boasting. Two separate things but working together just makes things even more problematic. As a woman, particularly when first chatting with someone I met OLD and gunning for a face-to-face date, I would NEVER go on about how men hit on me, or how many dates I've had online, or brag about money or things. That is just all kinds of rude and classless in my opinion. It screams of serious insecurity. It appears you're not the only one with insecurity issues. Having said that, I agree with d0nnivain, tt's a coffee date, not marriage and you need the dating practice. See how it goes and how you feel and if it doesn't feel right so be it. Good luck. 2
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 This princess lifestyle is not something that I will do, nor, can afford. I mentioned that up front. She told me since she has been divorced (4 years) that she has managed to handle things on her own, as well as I have. So, she knew that up front and has the decision on whether to carry on with talking or find someone else better matched. Hmmm, you don't worry that no matter what you said up front that someone who talks in the way she does will make you feel inadequate at some point? I mean, all her talk up front kinda does that and shows poor character. I think if you ended up dating you would resent it. I need to go back to read the whole thread to address your question about how to manage insecurities. Off the top of my head, I would say first couple of things that will help are: *Realize EVERYONE has insecurities (they manage them or cover them up though in a variety of ways). That should make it better & even for overly confident people who appear to have none, I'm sure you could find something they should be insecure about if you wanted to. The point is the playing field is more level than you give yourself credit for. *Don't look to obtain a relationship with a person who thinks too highly of herself to gain security or prove your worth. Self worth comes from within. Not to mention if that is the unspoken agreement you enter into with someone you are dating, typically your remaining self-esteem will be shredded because you have a daily reminder that they are "up here" and you are just along for the ride. Having a relationship that is somewhat conditional based on her overhyped (or anyone else) sense of self. With something that is a priority in your life, entering into this kind of thing usually doesn't go well. I suspect (without reading the whole thread) that you have bought into the hype as well and hope some of it will rub off on you. Honestly, she sounds like a mess and a world of trouble. She places high value on someone's earning potential being high and getting pampered and has ALREADY spoken to you about it. Even if she can pay her own bills, this issue will keep rearing its ugly head. Good luck. BTW, yeah, still go to the date to get some experience--IF you know you have strength to see things rationally and not get blinded. I think she is a fail but date experience is good to get, especially if you go in not enamored.
GorillaTheater Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 I understand that I have insecurities, and I appreciate the advice. But, for those of you that have had them, how did you get over them? I am aware, that with them, each date may be compromised. Like most of us here, we have been done wrong in the past. I have gotten better, but there are times where I'm ready to date and times I'm not. Doing some self-reflection on where the insecurities are stemming from is a good place to start. Another is visualizing worse-case scenarios and realizing that even on the 1 to a 100 chance they come to pass, that you can handle it. So meet her. What's the worse thing that can happen on a public coffee date? Whatever it may be, it'll make for a great story to tell future dates. 2
Author 2005tahoe Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 Doing some self-reflection on where the insecurities are stemming from is a good place to start. Another is visualizing worse-case scenarios and realizing that even on the 1 to a 100 chance they come to pass, that you can handle it. So meet her. What's the worse thing that can happen on a public coffee date? Whatever it may be, it'll make for a great story to tell future dates. I was just about to say, one of two things will happen. I do plan on talking to her about that and if we still want to talk and pursue each other then great, if not, I learned something new and it crashes and burns. I have been through a bad divorce and several break ups, time heals all wounds.
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Your insecurity is focused on the wrong person. It's one thing to feel jealous or uneasy about the behavior of your SO. However when you get upset about the behavior of third parties who your SO doesn't control, that is a problem. Here, her telling you about the men who give her attention -- asking her out, flirting, etc. -- does demonstrate her need for attention. Her behavior of throwing that in your face shows why it's not a brilliant idea to date her. However, if you are going to get upset every time another man flirts with a woman you are dating, you will make yourself crazy. As long as the woman handles it appropriately, by shutting down unwelcome attention, you need to give any person you date enough credit to control their own life in an ethical manner. If your SO courts the attention of others, then your SO's behavior needs to be examined. Another thing to remember is that just because an EX wronged you or cheated does not mean everybody behaves badly. Some people do have integrity & it's wrong to punish the new SO for the EX's bad behavior. 2
smackie9 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 She sounds annoying. That's why she is divorced and still single......
smackie9 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 OP ignore the fact she is very attractive, and look over what she has said in those conversations.....now would date that? Probably not. What I see is low self esteem. She needs to pump her own tires about men hitting on her and what she owns, and all that jibber jabber in order to make herself feel important and valuable. 1
Author 2005tahoe Posted July 7, 2017 Author Posted July 7, 2017 Your insecurity is focused on the wrong person. It's one thing to feel jealous or uneasy about the behavior of your SO. However when you get upset about the behavior of third parties who your SO doesn't control, that is a problem. Here, her telling you about the men who give her attention -- asking her out, flirting, etc. -- does demonstrate her need for attention. Her behavior of throwing that in your face shows why it's not a brilliant idea to date her. However, if you are going to get upset every time another man flirts with a woman you are dating, you will make yourself crazy. As long as the woman handles it appropriately, by shutting down unwelcome attention, you need to give any person you date enough credit to control their own life in an ethical manner. If your SO courts the attention of others, then your SO's behavior needs to be examined. Another thing to remember is that just because an EX wronged you or cheated does not mean everybody behaves badly. Some people do have integrity & it's wrong to punish the new SO for the EX's bad behavior. I never said anything about being upset with them, I know most guys are like that, I'm not. She told me from the beginning that she cuts ties with guy friends and stops the flirting and says that shes talking to someone, I do respect that part of her, if she holds to her word. I agree with you about the EX's behavior and punishing the SO. That's probably my biggest insecurity, I know that. My question all along is how to move past it, and all insecurities.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 I have been talking to this gorgeous lady via OLD. She lives an hour away and plan on meeting tonight at a local to her coffee shop. She is 42 and was married 18 years with 2 kids, 20 and 21, I am 38. She is very attractive and works in a male dominant career, car salesman, we are both in the automotive business. We have talked this week and gotten to know each other fairly well so far. We have the same outlook and goals, no games, no drama, no lying. Upon just talking to me a few days she hid her OLD profile saying that she only concentrates on one guy at a time, she doesn't multidate. A few things concern me, it may be my insecurities or jealousy or her liking the attention she gets from men. She talks about coworkers asking her out, hitting on her, taking her to lunch and so on. I have mentioned some of my jealousy about that, I would rather things end now than meeting her and liking her more. She says that when she is dating that she doesn't communicate with male friends and stops the flirting from guys, I know, actions speak louder than words. Also, she brags about material things that she has and how nice stuff is. Like, she has a storage unit full of nice china, clothes, furniture, etc... She was treated like a princess. Also, how her ex made over 200k a year in the IT field. I don't make nowhere near that and she knows that, but she says shes not looking for that anymore, that she can pull her own way, as well as I can. I just wanted your opinions on this, I know most of it is my issues. I am just looking for advice of those who have dated someone like that, or can give me advice on myself. I think this has something to do with her source of validation. All those things she's mentioning center around external and intrinsic sources of validation/value. I'd say she is trying to UP her perceived value to dating partners because her internal validation compass/esteem is off somewhere. If she spent at least some time talking about her achievements and life goals, more intellectual interests, hobbies, etc., I'd find that more appealing, let's say. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 I never said anything about being upset with them, I know most guys are like that, I'm not. She told me from the beginning that she cuts ties with guy friends and stops the flirting and says that shes talking to someone, I do respect that part of her, if she holds to her word. I agree with you about the EX's behavior and punishing the SO. That's probably my biggest insecurity, I know that. My question all along is how to move past it, and all insecurities. I took her promises about cutting ties with a grain of salt. I don't think she does it & I think it's unrealistic to expect somebody to do that. When I married my husband I said, these are my long time guy buddies now they are your friends too. They adopted him (& pretty much abandoned me lol ) You get over your insecurity stemming from thinking that the new person will act like the old bad EX by using good self talk & reminding yourself that the new person is not the old person. 1
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