Ex-wife on social media

[sweetjess1951]

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months now. I've known him for about 2 years, but when I first met him, he was married. Fast forward to this past January, he started reaching out to me. (I found out that he was no longer with his wife). We talked for a while, and within the last 2 months, made it official.

 

 

Here are my issues:

 

 

First, I found out he's technically still married. The law in the state he lives says that you have to have proof of living separately for a year before the divorce is final. While the were separated in February of last year (so he says), they didn't have proof until August of last year.

 

 

I try not to put too much emphasis on social media but unfortunately, it is part of the world we live in. When I break up with a boyfriend, I always delete/un-follow them, for a number of reasons. One - If I wanted them as a friend, I would have never dated them. Two - I don't need to see what's going on in their life and they don't need to see what's going on in mine. Three - I just find it respectful to not have them in my life, in any shape or form, when I'm dating someone knew. Well, they still follow each other on instagram, which I don't care much for. I asked him the other day if he was ever going to un-follow her (I don't see the point in still seeing what's going on in her life). He said "I don't know. Do you not follow any of your ex-boyfriends?" I said "No, actually I don't". I don't know the "rule" of if or when you are supposed to delete them (pics too) off your social media, but I don't enjoy seeing a bunch of pics of them together.

 

 

We have also had issues of displaying our relationship on social media. I put that I was in a relationship but he said he couldn't because he's not officially divorced and doesn't want to do anything that could get him in trouble. Ok, I could understand that, if his ex-wife didn't have pictures of her and her boyfriend all over Facebook, in addition to her creating a separate Instagram account for her and her boyfriend. When I brought up the fact that she created this account with pictures of HER and her boyfriend, so there is really no way he could get in trouble if he posted pictures of us, he defended her, saying that she did it out of respect so he couldn't see it (weird, its a public Instagram account and he still sees all the pics, enough to be able to point out her new boyfriend when he was in the same bar as us). So basically, I'm the only one who's posting pictures of us or making it known I'm in a relationship. And his response to that seems to be that is he is more worried about her and what she will think/feel, rather than how I (his CURRENT girlfriend) will feel.

 

 

Another thing is, sometimes I'll post funny links/videos to his wall. The other day, he came home from work and made this comment about how I have his phone number and he isn't going to be that couple that posts on each other's walls for everyone to see. Weird - because again, he used to tag his ex-wife and post things on her wall.

 

 

Finally, he has her name tattooed on his right bicep. Not only is her name tattooed, but its one of those things (I forget the name of it), where it says "wife" up-side down. I haven't made a huge deal about it, but I told him it bothers me. In addition to everything I listed above, I don't particularly like seeing his ex-wife's name on his arm on a daily basis. And there really isn't any immediate plan to cover it up.

 

 

Anyways, I'm starting to feel like he is still hung up on his ex-wife. Even though they aren't together, he still seems to consider her more than he does me. It seems like I have to fit into her mold, like I'm just a warm body filling the hole, rather than him liking me for me. I don't want to be dramatic or make a big deal about the above things, but it really hurts my feelings and makes me question our relationship.

[Popsicle]

Some men are ruled by their ex-wives. For the first couple of years after my divorce, I was ruled by my ex-H. Until I made a decision to put that crap to an end. It comes from a place of fear (not love). It wasn't until I got strong and stopped caring that I stopped being ruled by him. You bf is not there yet, and I've noticed that some men take longer to get there.

[knabe]

Do they have children? If so, that may be why they are still friends on Facebook.

 

As for the rest....he is free to change or not change social media as he sees fit. It doesn't matter what his ex does. And if someone posted videos on MY wall all the time, I'd be annoyed. Heck, I can't stand group IM's!

 

Social media may be "a part of life these days," but it's given waaaay too much importance. People break up because "my boyfriend liked another girl's picture." This isn't junior high.

 

If he is with you, he isn't talking to his ex all the time, and they have kids, I'd lighten up.

[sweetjess1951]

Do they have children? If so, that may be why they are still friends on Facebook.

 

As for the rest....he is free to change or not change social media as he sees fit. It doesn't matter what his ex does. And if someone posted videos on MY wall all the time, I'd be annoyed. Heck, I can't stand group IM's!

 

Social media may be "a part of life these days," but it's given waaaay too much importance. People break up because "my boyfriend liked another girl's picture." This isn't junior high.

 

If he is with you, he isn't talking to his ex all the time, and they have kids, I'd lighten up.

 

They don't have children. They have no ties to keep them together.

 

I understand if you don't like someone posting on your wall. That's your preference. I don't post on his wall all the time - maybe twice in 2 months. My issue is why was it ok and acceptable for his ex-wife and him to do it, but not me? It's about respecting my feelings as his current girlfriend instead of being so concerned about his ex-wife and her feelings, in addition to whether or not he's over her.

[Gaeta]

You came across this man in May 2017 so you've been dating only for a few weeks and already you are trying to control who he befriends on FB and other social media. I don't see this lasting very long.

 

What you are asking is too much too soon. I changed my FB status to *in a relationship* after something like 7-8 months dating and here you are at 4-5 weeks dating trying to be his little boss.

[stillafool]

Okay it is obvious he was/is crazy about his ex wife. He may still be in love with her, who knows. Why hasn't the divorce gone through already? What is the hold up? I think all of the posting about one's personal business, who they are dating, etc., all over social media is stupid, but that's just me. So I can't blame your bf for not wanting to be a part of that anymore. You seem as if you just want his ex wife to know about you two. Why?

[Popsicle]

It also could be that he is a more private person (I am too) even though his ex-wife wasn't. Now he wants to be true to himself after putting up with crap he shouldn't have.

[stillafool]

They don't have children. They have no ties to keep them together.

 

I understand if you don't like someone posting on your wall. That's your preference. I don't post on his wall all the time - maybe twice in 2 months. My issue is why was it ok and acceptable for his ex-wife and him to do it, but not me? It's about respecting my feelings as his current girlfriend instead of being so concerned about his ex-wife and her feelings, in addition to whether or not he's over her.

 

Maybe it's because he doesn't want to do that stuff again. You see how his marriage turned out.

[MidwestUSA]

If I'm reading right (it will be one year separated in August) she's still HIS WIFE!

 

That should bother you more than anything regarding social media. Although, add in the social media, and you've got all the reason you need to run from this guy. Why settle for being a rebound?

[1fish2fish]

What kind of proof does your state require?

 

My state requires that you be separated and have not slept under the same roof in a year. To "prove" that, my state requires a "witness" to testify to that.

 

As far as him still being legally married, what were the circumstances that led to the divorce? How long were they together? I ask, because my husband and I were separated for 18 months before we officially divorced so that I wouldn't have to change my health insurance. I was in the middle of some health issues, and it was easier this way. We both gave each other our blessing to date others in the meantime if we found someone that made us happy. I realize this isn't the norm, but it worked for us. He's still one of my best friends, like a brother, but no way do either of us have any romantic feelings towards each other.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm curious about how the marriage ended and who initiated the ending?

 

 

I dated a couple of guys in similar head-spaces regarding their ex's. It's often challenging dealing with ex-wives as it is, particularly newly separated/divorced, never mind adding in social media connections. This is one of the main reasons why I try to avoid men who are active users. It so very rarely ends well.

 

Being someone who is very friendly with my ex hubby and in daily contact with him, we both agreed to remove each other from our Facebook very early on in our separation despite initial hopes we could remain 'friends' online. Neither one of us are very active but sometimes it has more to do with everyone else attached to our profiles who post, comment, like, share and tag stuff neither one of us wants to see necessarily.

 

Red flag issue - He's no longer with his wife yet remains technically married, continues to keep her on his social media and is going to great lengths to protect HER regarding the optics of things online. Something smells fishy.

 

And to comment on the person who said that maybe he's trying to do things differently regarding sharing too much online, I might buy that IF he deleted his ex-wife and was starting fresh with his new girlfriend where they discuss each others expectations regarding sharing on social media.

 

From the looks of things, neither of those things have happened which is cause for pause.

[sweetjess1951]

I'm curious about how the marriage ended and who initiated the ending?

 

 

I dated a couple of guys in similar head-spaces regarding their ex's. It's often challenging dealing with ex-wives as it is, particularly newly separated/divorced, never mind adding in social media connections. This is one of the main reasons why I try to avoid men who are active users. It so very rarely ends well.

 

Being someone who is very friendly with my ex hubby and in daily contact with him, we both agreed to remove each other from our Facebook very early on in our separation despite initial hopes we could remain 'friends' online. Neither one of us are very active but sometimes it has more to do with everyone else attached to our profiles who post, comment, like, share and tag stuff neither one of us wants to see necessarily.

 

Red flag issue - He's no longer with his wife yet remains technically married, continues to keep her on his social media and is going to great lengths to protect HER regarding the optics of things online. Something smells fishy.

 

And to comment on the person who said that maybe he's trying to do things differently regarding sharing too much online, I might buy that IF he deleted his ex-wife and was starting fresh with his new girlfriend where they discuss each others expectations regarding sharing on social media.

 

From the looks of things, neither of those things have happened which is cause for pause.

 

He hasn't gone into detail about why the marriage ended, but he did tell me that one day she decided she didn't want to have kids (he really wants kids), that she wanted to live the "party life" and he didn't and that they just drifted apart, that he was always giving and she was always taking. She initiated it and he told me one night that he struggled bad with it ending.

 

 

I agree something smells fishy and its unfair and hurtful to me. She deleted him off facebook and when he asked her about it, she said it was an "accident". Its already hard to swallow that he is still married, even with just a month left, but then to have to limit our relationship, in addition to seeing her name on his arm every time we have sex, it isn't fun.

 

 

I agree with everything you said.

[sweetjess1951]

What kind of proof does your state require?

 

My state requires that you be separated and have not slept under the same roof in a year. To "prove" that, my state requires a "witness" to testify to that.

 

As far as him still being legally married, what were the circumstances that led to the divorce? How long were they together? I ask, because my husband and I were separated for 18 months before we officially divorced so that I wouldn't have to change my health insurance. I was in the middle of some health issues, and it was easier this way. We both gave each other our blessing to date others in the meantime if we found someone that made us happy. I realize this isn't the norm, but it worked for us. He's still one of my best friends, like a brother, but no way do either of us have any romantic feelings towards each other.

 

 

I'm honestly not sure. I only know what he told me and that was that they had to show proof they were living separately, which I'm assuming is maybe an updated license or a billing statement.

 

 

She ended it. They divorced because she no longer wanted kids, wanted to party all the time and he said he was always giving and she was always taking (weird, because I feel like I'm always the one giving and he's always the one taking).

 

 

I think they were married for a little over 3 years. Not sure how long they dated prior to getting married. Maybe 2 or 3 years? And there is no circumstances for needing to stay married/separated such as health insurance.

[stillafool]

 

 

I agree something smells fishy and its unfair and hurtful to me. She deleted him off facebook and when he asked her about it, she said it was an "accident". Its already hard to swallow that he is still married, even with just a month left, but then to have to limit our relationship, in addition to seeing her name on his arm every time we have sex, it isn't fun.

 

 

 

Why does he care if she deleted him from her FB?

[sweetjess1951]

Why does he care if she deleted him from her FB?

 

That's a great question. I'm not sure when she deleted him. I know it was before we started dating 2 months ago.

[Michelle ma Belle]

That's a great question. I'm not sure when she deleted him. I know it was before we started dating 2 months ago.

 

Wait...she deleted him BEFORE you started dating?

 

Then why all the hoopla about posting/sharing stuff on social media??

 

Did she re-friend him?

[coolheadal]

Some men are ruled by their ex-wives. For the first couple of years after my divorce, I was ruled by my ex-H. Until I made a decision to put that crap to an end. It comes from a place of fear (not love). It wasn't until I got strong and stopped caring that I stopped being ruled by him. You bf is not there yet, and I've noticed that some men take longer to get there.

 

Wow really how could that be? Oh you were still loved by him or him by you?

Oh my dear, I can't even think about mine she was very mean, rude, sarcastic, (learn about how that is) lousy wife and would have made a lousy mom. I could never let her control me before or after blank hit the wall. By 2012 I had learn to forgive and forget. Because of the second shift in the world. That's another story to explain. But doing so I was release from her mind and she was release from me. Of course I never looked back. I have my own house here to go too she stayed 1536 miles away. Thank God for that Amen. I hope your healed if not you know how to contact me PVT. One thing I did learn from her in 2015 when she had paid me a visit here. She was very sorry for what she did. I accepted what she said but I told her we shouldn't have been together it was a huge mistake. I felt she wanted to get back to me but I was with another woman at the time. The divorce was finalized. I didn't want my ex-back she was also a cheater. Never trust one never was one and never would go near one ever again. Today we have NC in place. I really think people shouldn't have contact with the ex-spouse if you don't have kids with them you shouldn't have anything to do with them. If you do have kids with them, then they shouldn't be in your house they can drive and stay at the gate.

[Gaeta]

He hasn't gone into detail about why the marriage ended, but he did tell me that one day she decided she didn't want to have kids (he really wants kids), that she wanted to live the "party life" and he didn't and that they just drifted apart, that he was always giving and she was always taking. She initiated it and he told me one night that he struggled bad with it ending.

 

I agree something smells fishy and its unfair and hurtful to me. She deleted him off facebook and when he asked her about it, she said it was an "accident". Its already hard to swallow that he is still married, even with just a month left, but then to have to limit our relationship, in addition to seeing her name on his arm every time we have sex, it isn't fun.

 

So she dumped him. She has moved on and he is still hanging on to her and probably still in love with her.

 

It looks less and less good for you. He's not done mourning his marriage to her, he's certainly emotionally unavailable to fall in love with you. I know I would not stick around to figure it out for him.

[kendahke]

You need to understand that just because you do things one way doesn't mean he's obligated to do the same. He handles his life as he sees fit, not for your satisfaction.

 

If you can't stay off of social media and creeping his ex's accounts, then this isn't the guy for you. It doesn't appear he's going to change his tack, so either figure out a way to deal with it or bounce.

 

He's clearly not emotionally done with her. That is where all of this for you starts.

[coolheadal]

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months now. I've known him for about 2 years, but when I first met him, he was married. Fast forward to this past January, he started reaching out to me. (I found out that he was no longer with his wife). We talked for a while, and within the last 2 months, made it official.

 

 

Here are my issues:

 

 

First, I found out he's technically still married. The law in the state he lives says that you have to have proof of living separately for a year before the divorce is final. While the were separated in February of last year (so he says), they didn't have proof until August of last year.

 

 

I try not to put too much emphasis on social media but unfortunately, it is part of the world we live in. When I break up with a boyfriend, I always delete/un-follow them, for a number of reasons. One - If I wanted them as a friend, I would have never dated them. Two - I don't need to see what's going on in their life and they don't need to see what's going on in mine. Three - I just find it respectful to not have them in my life, in any shape or form, when I'm dating someone knew. Well, they still follow each other on instagram, which I don't care much for. I asked him the other day if he was ever going to un-follow her (I don't see the point in still seeing what's going on in her life). He said "I don't know. Do you not follow any of your ex-boyfriends?" I said "No, actually I don't". I don't know the "rule" of if or when you are supposed to delete them (pics too) off your social media, but I don't enjoy seeing a bunch of pics of them together.

 

 

We have also had issues of displaying our relationship on social media. I put that I was in a relationship but he said he couldn't because he's not officially divorced and doesn't want to do anything that could get him in trouble. Ok, I could understand that, if his ex-wife didn't have pictures of her and her boyfriend all over Facebook, in addition to her creating a separate Instagram account for her and her boyfriend. When I brought up the fact that she created this account with pictures of HER and her boyfriend, so there is really no way he could get in trouble if he posted pictures of us, he defended her, saying that she did it out of respect so he couldn't see it (weird, its a public Instagram account and he still sees all the pics, enough to be able to point out her new boyfriend when he was in the same bar as us). So basically, I'm the only one who's posting pictures of us or making it known I'm in a relationship. And his response to that seems to be that is he is more worried about her and what she will think/feel, rather than how I (his CURRENT girlfriend) will feel.

 

 

Another thing is, sometimes I'll post funny links/videos to his wall. The other day, he came home from work and made this comment about how I have his phone number and he isn't going to be that couple that posts on each other's walls for everyone to see. Weird - because again, he used to tag his ex-wife and post things on her wall.

 

 

Finally, he has her name tattooed on his right bicep. Not only is her name tattooed, but its one of those things (I forget the name of it), where it says "wife" up-side down. I haven't made a huge deal about it, but I told him it bothers me. In addition to everything I listed above, I don't particularly like seeing his ex-wife's name on his arm on a daily basis. And there really isn't any immediate plan to cover it up.

 

 

Anyways, I'm starting to feel like he is still hung up on his ex-wife. Even though they aren't together, he still seems to consider her more than he does me. It seems like I have to fit into her mold, like I'm just a warm body filling the hole, rather than him liking me for me. I don't want to be dramatic or make a big deal about the above things, but it really hurts my feelings and makes me question our relationship.

 

Toxic guy you have there, why would you settle for his ex-wife still tattoo on him ouch! He's still not over her you know that already. Sure it hurts but you met him when he was still married to her his wife at the time. Now things are not finalized but she's seeing other men and he's seeing you. Sounds more like open married to me. Your stuck in the middle. Anther thing is that he puts her first and you last. Don't you see what's wrong with that. My dear you need to get yourself back on healthy ego your letting this toxic guy drain your happiness and love from you for his own self worth. Plus why would you want a man like this. Your his second fiddle to play and then think about his ex-wife and her new life without him, but is it really going down like that? You just don't know today what they do behind your back. I am not saying to go and follow him but you just don't know. The heat the passion for sex from fooling around with other partners might be a turn-on for these two ex-love birds but are they really Ex or just playing hide and seek. Chaos you are in now with him. If you were smart (sometimes love can make you dumb headed) trust me it happens to all of us. You need to leave this jerk, and if you can't then he will always carry her name on his arm and you just have to learn to see it every time you two make love! I couldn't stand a women with a tramp stamp front or rear saying the ex-bf or ex-husband name on it. Why should I, those who say nah it's okay, nope it's not okay!

[kendahke]

This dude has a messy life. He's not even legally divorced yet. I doubt he's even begun the process of sorting out and resolving his feelings of his marriage being over yet you are all up in the middle of his mess trying to sort it to your satisfaction. It's not your mess to sort, in the first place: it's his and only his.

 

Certainly, if he's got a tattoo of her name and "wife" on his arm, that isn't going to go away on its own and he may never get to the point where he wants to undergo the pain of having it removed, so you're going to have to keep your feelings about that to yourself.

 

At best, you're the rebound relationship. Sorry to have to say that this won't have a long shelf life because he can't be who you need for him to be in order for you to feel happy.

[sweetjess1951]

Wait...she deleted him BEFORE you started dating?

 

Then why all the hoopla about posting/sharing stuff on social media??

 

Did she re-friend him?

 

Yep! I'm pretty sure it happened before we started dating. I've told him that they aren't friends, so it shouldn't matter. "But someone else could see it", he says.

 

They only follow each other on Instagram.

[kendahke]

Yep! I'm pretty sure it happened before we started dating. I've told him that they aren't friends, so it shouldn't matter. "But someone else could see it", he says.

 

They only follow each other on Instagram.

 

 

He cares too much about how others think about how he conducts his life; meaning: he's not emotionally available for you.

 

You have a shot once he's gotten to indifference. He ain't there.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The last man I dated was not officially divorced, either. In fact, had only been separated (divorce in process) for 3 months when we met.

 

Never again. He's not a bad guy and I was not mistreated, but he was NOT over his ex and it infiltrated our relationship. There's a reason they say to wait to date .

[harrybrown]

hope you have a long talk with him soon.

 

miscommunication can really mess up a relationship.

 

 

Is he open to counseling session with you?