I'm in love with a liar/loser, someone tell me how to get him out of my life?

[Violetstar]

I'm in love with someone I've been dating for 8 months.

For the first 5 months, we worked together (that's how we met).

He's a very sweet guy and I love him but he has a problem with little white lies, with drugs, and with absolute laziness!

 

He was fired 3 months ago and has been unemployed for exactly 3 months. I've been financially supporting our dates and time together.

 

Since then, a lot of little white lies have been coming out and it's slowly destroying our relationship. 2 months into it, he started to party a lot, drink a lot, smoke weed, and then went into cocaine. But he stopped all of that as soon as I asked him to. He did stop for a little while until the fifth month when he started partying again and got himself fired. He said he'd do better. Or so I thought.

 

Lie #1: He told me he was saving up for a car while we were working. He didn't have a car so I made the HOUR drive to him 3x a week and didn't ask much for gas because I thought he was saving up for a car.

When he was fired, I found out this was a lie. He didn't even have a bank acct.

 

Lie#2: He told me he was fired due to not making his numbers which is okay. A lot of people are let go because of that.

He was fired due to attendance issues and not passing his last drug test. (Weed & Coke)

 

Lie #3: He said his last paycheck was really small. So we couldn't do anything or go out because he needed to pay his bills.

He actually threw a huge party and didn't want to tell me about it because he knew I'd get mad... because he was supposed to stop drinking and doing drugs.

 

After these 3 lies, I broke up with him. He cried and apologized and begged for me back. He started to really change things up and stopped partying and stopped lying. So we got back together a little over a month ago. He still didn't have a job or a car but claimed he was searching hard for it and asked me to help him on his resume and cover letter!

So, I did both. And I started driving to him only once a week. But, I was still paying for my own gas and paying for our dinners whenever we were hungry like a total stupid idiot!

 

I truly believed him because he's so sweet and loving and caring and faithful. But he's lazy, immature, and a total liar. Because today I discovered 2 more lies.

 

Lie #4: I found out from his parents, and searching through his laptop that he has NOT been applying for jobs. He has been unemployed for 3 months. His siblings have offered to drive him to employment agencies and everything. And I found the resume and cover letter I made for him in his laptop waste basket!

 

Lie #5: After I PAID for OUR dinner today, he received a phone call from his cousin. My guy was providing short answers but i could hear his cousins voice on the other line. His cousin asked if he was down to party, and that he bought a bunch of cocaine already and would bring his friends.

My guy told him, "Yeah, I'll text you later tonight. Bye."

and he kept ignoring his messages after that because I KNOW he didn't want me to see what his cousin was saying.

 

Hours later, I had a nervous breakdown. Reality set in that I have been dating a liar and a loser who I am financially supporting!

 

I couldn't stop crying. He freaked out and started crying because he knows that I want to leave him after all of this. And yet, he still denied every single lie!!

 

I truly love him and i know he loves me. He's so sweet and kind and loving.

But he's a party guy, a stoner, a cokehead, and a lazy immature person who REFUSES to get a job.

 

I'm working full time, I'm attending school full time working towards my bachelors degree, and volunteer at a non-profit during my free time.

 

Even though they are little lies, they hurt, and make me feel used.

 

Tell me how to get this guy out of my life! He's not good for me. I fall for his sweet personality and his loving words every time.

 

I'm in a lot of pain. And I feel like such an idiot. I need someone to tell me how much of an idiot I am and that this guy is a loser.

I blocked his number from my phone but I'm afraid i'll soon unblock him.

[foxgloves]

Sounds like you are not living together. That is a good thing. Ending a relationship becomes so hard if you're sharing a home.

 

At this point 8 months is not too much of an investment. He will NOT change. Do not fool yourself into thinking he will change. It is a big mistake.

 

Time goes by fast. Before you know it... its been years. Then you feel like you've wasted time, and you feel resentful.

 

Some people need more time to figure life out. That's ok. But it does not mean you should bog yourself down with it. If you are not living together. Then breaking up is a matter of saying so and ceasing contact.

[SpecialJ]

I think there's a good chance that he's lying to you because he has major substance abuse problems. That's why these "little white lies" are such a big deal to you -- it really all adds up to a very big deal. If your gut tells you he really does love you and isn't just using you, then it signals how major his drug problems are (though losing a job over them also is an even bigger indication). He can't love you in a healthy way because his addiction problems are so much bigger than that. He has no money because coke is incredibly expensive, and it sounds like this problem is going to get worse for him before it gets better. In fact, you leaving him and going no contact will not only be best for your emotional health, it may also get him one step closer to hitting rock bottom, which it sounds like he needs to do before he's willing to make any changes. And I'm not puritanical about this stuff and file lots of weed under immature and lazy (and can signal other problems), but excessive drinking and coke use can be a very very big deal.

 

It's not on you to fix him, because he has to want to overcome his own problems, and the good news is your question is focused on you and how to get past it, not how to change him. My suggestion would be, really go no contact with him first and stick to it for as long as you need. But also tell his family how worried you are about him and his drug use so that they start thinking about getting him help if they haven't already -- but tell them this is all you're able to do and that you'll be going no contact with them for a while as well. They should understand. Separate yourself completely, mourn, consider seeing a therapist or find an al-anon support group for partners who left addicts and may be feeling the same type of emotions that you are.

 

No contact is also going to be important if his family intervenes and he starts lying to them and wants to lash out at you for telling them the truth. But I can't really think of any healthier way for you to do something for someone you care about who needs help while protecting yourself emotionally. I also have a friend who did this for another platonic friend of his, and she went kicking and screaming once her family sent her to rehab, and she hated him. Until after she got out of rehab and thanked him profusely (which were not the end of her problems, but his push for family intervention definitely helped).

 

No matter what you choose to do, getting over him is going to take time, so be kind to yourself. You're not an idiot, you likely just haven't faced issues like this before and didn't recognize the bigger picture. It's very difficult and painful to cut out people who are toxic for you, that's normal. And that's why it's also okay to get outside help (this board, a therapist, a partners of addict support group) to help you cope. Good luck.

[Zahara]

Even though they are little lies, they hurt, and make me feel used.

 

These aren't little lies. These are significant lies. Lies that will have a huge impact on you and your relationship. Stop minimizing it because it's affecting your life and your financial situation as well. Granted it may be in small doses now but in the long run, trust you will be in a dark hole.

 

Tell me how to get this guy out of my life! He's not good for me. I fall for his sweet personality and his loving words every time.

 

His "sweet" personality isn't genuine. The sweetness is used to rope you in when he thinks he's losing his benefits. You are not a priority to him.

 

I'm in a lot of pain. And I feel like such an idiot. I need someone to tell me how much of an idiot I am and that this guy is a loser.

I blocked his number from my phone but I'm afraid i'll soon unblock him.

 

You're not an idiot but he is certainly a negative addition to your life. You need to reframe your standards and aim higher. Redefine your values and what you desire in a relationship and a man and then compare it to this guy. Trust, honestly, loyatly, maturity, etc. Focus on what it means to you to be in a loving and mutually respectful relationship. He does not come close.

 

You have to want and desire better for yourself.

[Redhead14]

I'm in love with someone I've been dating for 8 months.

For the first 5 months, we worked together (that's how we met).

He's a very sweet guy and I love him but he has a problem with little white lies, with drugs, and with absolute laziness!

 

He was fired 3 months ago and has been unemployed for exactly 3 months. I've been financially supporting our dates and time together.

 

Since then, a lot of little white lies have been coming out and it's slowly destroying our relationship. 2 months into it, he started to party a lot, drink a lot, smoke weed, and then went into cocaine. But he stopped all of that as soon as I asked him to. He did stop for a little while until the fifth month when he started partying again and got himself fired. He said he'd do better. Or so I thought.

 

Lie #1: He told me he was saving up for a car while we were working. He didn't have a car so I made the HOUR drive to him 3x a week and didn't ask much for gas because I thought he was saving up for a car.

When he was fired, I found out this was a lie. He didn't even have a bank acct.

 

Lie#2: He told me he was fired due to not making his numbers which is okay. A lot of people are let go because of that.

He was fired due to attendance issues and not passing his last drug test. (Weed & Coke)

 

Lie #3: He said his last paycheck was really small. So we couldn't do anything or go out because he needed to pay his bills.

He actually threw a huge party and didn't want to tell me about it because he knew I'd get mad... because he was supposed to stop drinking and doing drugs.

 

After these 3 lies, I broke up with him. He cried and apologized and begged for me back. He started to really change things up and stopped partying and stopped lying. So we got back together a little over a month ago. He still didn't have a job or a car but claimed he was searching hard for it and asked me to help him on his resume and cover letter!

So, I did both. And I started driving to him only once a week. But, I was still paying for my own gas and paying for our dinners whenever we were hungry like a total stupid idiot!

 

I truly believed him because he's so sweet and loving and caring and faithful. But he's lazy, immature, and a total liar. Because today I discovered 2 more lies.

 

Lie #4: I found out from his parents, and searching through his laptop that he has NOT been applying for jobs. He has been unemployed for 3 months. His siblings have offered to drive him to employment agencies and everything. And I found the resume and cover letter I made for him in his laptop waste basket!

 

Lie #5: After I PAID for OUR dinner today, he received a phone call from his cousin. My guy was providing short answers but i could hear his cousins voice on the other line. His cousin asked if he was down to party, and that he bought a bunch of cocaine already and would bring his friends.

My guy told him, "Yeah, I'll text you later tonight. Bye."

and he kept ignoring his messages after that because I KNOW he didn't want me to see what his cousin was saying.

 

Hours later, I had a nervous breakdown. Reality set in that I have been dating a liar and a loser who I am financially supporting!

 

I couldn't stop crying. He freaked out and started crying because he knows that I want to leave him after all of this. And yet, he still denied every single lie!!

 

I truly love him and i know he loves me. He's so sweet and kind and loving.

But he's a party guy, a stoner, a cokehead, and a lazy immature person who REFUSES to get a job.

 

I'm working full time, I'm attending school full time working towards my bachelors degree, and volunteer at a non-profit during my free time.

 

Even though they are little lies, they hurt, and make me feel used.

 

Tell me how to get this guy out of my life! He's not good for me. I fall for his sweet personality and his loving words every time.

 

I'm in a lot of pain. And I feel like such an idiot. I need someone to tell me how much of an idiot I am and that this guy is a loser.

I blocked his number from my phone but I'm afraid i'll soon unblock him.

 

I need someone to tell me how much of an idiot I am and that this guy is a loser.

 

OK, you are a giant idiot and he is a loser . . . Seriously though, just get really real with yourself and focus on just you and your future and realize the big picture with this guy. See yourself with him years from now and feeling 100 times worse than you are feeling now.

 

But he's a party guy, a stoner, a cokehead, and a lazy immature person who REFUSES to get a job.

 

I truly love him and i know he loves me -- HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU, HE LOVES THE CONVENIENCE YOU PROVIDE FOR HIM . . .

 

You are an enabler . . . stop enabling him and enable YOURSELF. You are in a one-sided, unsatisfying, co-dependent relationship.

 

Keep this guy blocked FOREVER. You'll be doing YOURSELF a favor for a change.

[Whodatdog]

Just because you love someone (or think you do) it doesnt mean they are necessarily a good addition to your life. Love him if you want, but break up with him for you. Because you know every time he opens his mouth, it will be a lie.

[d0nnivain]

When you feel weak re-read your post. That should make you not want to call him. If it doesn't call a friend, post here, go for a run do anything to distract yourself until the feeling passes. You know you are better off without him. Just act like that.

[maxi105]

hi there, I haven't actually read your post just about 10 random bits in all and I didn't bother reading any further because ive read enough to say that I don't think you are in love, you are involved with someone who you have developed a habit for.

 

you had attractions at work...its natural to fall for people that you spend a lot of time with, hence all these reality tv type shows where people fall In love and then its over quickly after a short while

 

...this kind of thing is not love mostly, its just intense time in each others space that brings emotions that either goes one of two ways.

 

It may be that you fell for his personality in a place where you had common goals, now those are gone, the cracks are showing and he cant paper over them and you want more and he doesn't want to give anymore to you because drugs tend to make a lot of people quite selfish (unless they are in the same substance craving boat and are also looking for or waiting for the next chance to get high).

 

why would he change anything or want to? he has everything he needs and you give it to him every time (even amongst your tears and upset).

 

does he stimulate your brain????!!!!!! is he creative, is he secure enough to talk with out making stuff up, is he mature? do you want to stay in denial for the next 10 years and miss the chance to meet adults who know what love and respect are. this clown doenst have any respect for himself at the moment so what makes you think he will give any to you?! if you wait for him to really love you you'll be waiting a long time I fear and be playing this game of tears and fake love.

 

he loves the lifestyle he has with his druggie mates and isn't going to give it up for you otherwise he would have done so by now. cocaine is not a drug to be taken lightly as a recreational pastime its something that costs money! and changes people that get addicted.

 

even if he can get coke cheaply, that's cash out of a small government handout that you are paying for whether you like it or not! and if it is cheap whats in it?

 

you talk of fancying him, but i think it might be more of a case that youre used to him but you don't respect him or his ways, he's got habits that will bring future relationship problems if he cant address them soon and maybe you are frightened of being on your own. what happens if the police are called to your home due to his involvement association with drug takers, how will that look for your career and how will that add extra pressure for you.

 

being alone doesn't mean your a failure it means you are not with anyone that you have found to equal the qualities you feel you have and want to share in meeting that respectful equal.

 

this man doesn't sound like an equal, he doesn't sound your intelligent half, I'm not saying he's dim as I don't know him, but how smart is it to choose drugs and unemployment instead of growing up and dealing with life or a mature relationship which is what you want.

 

finally he sounds like a manipulative individual who is using you (not because he is unemployed) because he doesn't want to change his situation in anyway.

 

a relationship where only 1 person works is a strain anyway, but if he loved you he would want to clean himself up at least till he found a job. you not only pay for everything, you accept his tears and forgive him every time he knows he might lose his money maker so he has no reason to give you anything. hes got you where he want you and you cant even see it!!!!!

 

there are so many kind loving and respectful people that can give you a real relationship. HE IS EVEN HURTING YOU NOW AND YOU ARE SO USED TO BEING WALKED OVER BY HIM...

 

HE IS PROBABLY LAUGHING AT YOU WITH HIS DRUGGIE FREINDS WHEN YOUR BACK IS TURNED.

 

all he really wants is his next fix...and someone to fall into bed to give him sexual favours! sorry but you need to wake up to this user.

 

and once you've woken up, pack your things for a long weekend or maybe for much longer!!!! and have a damn good holiday with your friends.

 

whatever, leave him to sober up and open your eyes to what real love can be with someone else.

 

you worked together and that is over now. you don't owe him your love if he cant give you anything of real value back.

 

saying you love him is probably only because you have got used to saying it, but what you are feeling isn't love with the same person everyone including you insists you are in love with!!!!

 

you love what you used to like about him, but even with a job I don't think you sound as though he is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with!!!! is he???

 

break away from this loser and live again, im sure you work hard but from the misery you have in your home, you might as well be unemployed too because you don't have anything to show for all the effort you've put into this!!!

 

this man is no good and needs to be left on his own to think bout what he is risking for the sake of a few wasted hours..

 

and if that fails leave him FOREVER!!!!.

[BaileyB]

It's actually quite simple... when he asks you to take him back, you tell him that you deserve more than to be in a relationship with an unemployed addict. And know that you do deserve more than this - don't waste the best years of your life on this man.

 

Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they deserve to be in your life. He has to earn that right - and he's not doing that right now. He is not healthy, and any relationship that he has will not be a healthy relationship. And, it's not your job to fix him - he has to do that himself.

Edited July 9, 2017 by BaileyB

[SammySammy]

Posts like this probably make nice guys feel like crap.

 

A man who would be good to a woman can't get a date to save his life, but here we have a young woman crying and torn up because she can't figure out how to leave a lying, jobless crackhead.

 

Life is funny.

 

The answer is easy. DECIDE. Then DO.

 

Decide that you don't want him to be a part of your life. Commit to it. Then go No Contact. Ignore and refuse all forms of contact. Forever. If you persist, at some point, he'll no longer be a part of your life.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I need someone to tell me how much of an idiot I am and that this guy is a loser.

 

Just to repeat what Redhead14 says -

 

OK, you are a giant idiot and he is a loser

 

he's a party guy, a stoner, a cokehead, and a lazy immature person who REFUSES to get a job.

 

Have you got the message?

 

Now dump his sorry stoned @r$e and go get some counselling/therapy to find out why you make such poor choices.

[Adriw7878]

Move on dear while you still can. He is taking you as his ATM and supporting his irresponsible lifestyle.

 

Imagine being pregnant with his child .... 2 lives ruined.

 

You are a good person.

 

God bless.