Relationship with man with fear of intimacy

[Fridita]

Fridita,

My 6 penneth, based on my own experiences, is that you should get out of this relationship now.

 

I married a man just as you describe. It was a long distance relationship and he was a shift worker. I moved to be near him and we got married. After 4 years of being lonely in the marriage, I asked him to get a job that didn't involve shifts and he did.

 

He didn't change when he was working days. I had, wrongly, blamed his lack of libido and affection on being tired. It was nothing to do with work, it was how he was.

I tried to get him to put more effort into the marriage emotionally, physically and mentally. I told him I was fed-up with carrying the whole relationship. His response was to cheat, no doubt to seek someone less "demanding"

 

Gaeta asks a good question;

 

 

 

I was brought up by cold, undemonstrative parents, so this situation felt familiar to me. This is why I gravitated towards it.

 

It took an acrimonious divorce and therapy to make me understand why I made the choices I did.

 

Please don't make the mistake I did.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I guess it was very exhausting. It's interesting that yours was also long distance relationship. I don't know much about my bf relationships, but I know that he dated few girls from/in Europe, and not from his home country.

 

I was also thinking why the man like this attracts me so much. The thing is that my parents are so kind and they have amazing relationship. they aren't cold, although it's true that I always felt like my needs aren't heard by them. So maybe I attracted a partner who also doesn't hear my needs...

Edited July 9, 2017 by Fridita

[Redhead14]

But are these people (with intimacy issues) aware that they have this problem? Or do they feel normal being like that? -- Some do and some don't. The ones that do, may not know or understand what it is, but they realize that something isn't quite right. They are aware of the feeling of disconnectedness, let's say. If they are older and have had some relationships, they've been told one way or another, that they aren't good partners and realize that their partners have felt "unloved" for the most part.

 

This man is aware that he's made mistakes with partners in the past and is likely, sincere in his desire to do better, but it's so unlikely that he can keep up with what he needs to do. Each time there is a failed relationship, it just compounds his "issue".

 

They also self-sabotage relationships. They try to attach themselves to partners who aren't available too sometimes . . . in your case, you live thousands of miles away. Or, choose a workaholic, not available much.

 

And he is very moody.

 

And he doesn't like to say WHEN, he chooses a day, he says: do you have time to go out today? -- Yeah, he can't pin down a day or time in advance because he doesn't know how he will be feeling or when he will be in the mood for whatever it is . . . He is trying at least to accommodate your request or idea. He's thinking about you.

 

But I realized that if I'm sad or when I cry, he is always supportive, he hugs me, tries to comfort me (although it's a bit clumsy, like he doesn't know what to do). -- They can sympathize/empathize on some level. They understand how to operate in the world and that's what people do when someone is sad. They just aren't used to it.

 

And, if they are sad or depressed or struggling with something, they will push their partner/anyone away big time. And, they do this often.

"but I don't want to do any mistake with you." I asked him what does he mean and he answered: "because I did many mistakes in my life." -- This is a disclaimer, your warning. "I know I am not good with relationships and will make mistakes and you will likely leave me when you get to know me and you should but I'm lonely right now and will try to keep you around for as long as you will have me and until you're tired of my crap"

 

"because I did many mistakes in my life." -- These are some of the things that are causing him to be afraid to be emotionally intimate. Things he wants to keep hidden. Not like murder or anything But things he feels guilty about or ashamed of or regrets, even if the rest of the world wouldn't think that. He doesn't like who he is.

 

he was so attentive but also cold -- This is an indicator of the internal struggle going on in him. They are doing a dance -- one step forward, two steps back. The push/pull is ongoing.

 

Pictures of himself - This is notable and consistent . . . he only has pictures of himself and no one else . . . because there really isn't anyone else.

 

my parents are so kind and they have amazing relationship. they aren't cold, although it's true that I always felt like my needs aren't heard by them. -- A person's perception is a person's reality. In other words, your parents did the best they could, I'm sure, but have failed in some ways in your mind and so a child ends up focusing on the negatives. People can do so many great things, but it's the bigger failures that overshadow all the good. they have amazing relationship -- they have a better relationship with each other and not so much with you apparently. And, this is likely part of his childhood history/experience. You did mention his parents not being around, if I remember correctly. That would be a huge part of the reason he is the way he is.

Edited July 9, 2017 by Redhead14

[Fridita]

Redhead14:

 

Wow, you are right in a lot of things. I mean - the more I know him, the more I realize all these things about him you wrote.

 

They also self-sabotage relationships. They try to attach themselves to partners who aren't available too sometimes . . . in your case, you live thousands of miles away.

 

When I was thinking about extending my stay in his country, he was surprised (and I cannot say it was positively). From that I deduced that he didn't want me there anymore. But when I was leaving, he talked about my next stay, and about his visit of my country, a nd that he is "sure that you will come to my country many times and there will be many times when I will go with you to the airport"

 

So, he wants a relationship with me, but the way how he perceives the relationship is really strange. He also has only negative ideas about marriage, he says that "the wife limits the husband and she can forbid him to do a lot of things" etc.

 

And, if they are sad or depressed or struggling with something, they will push their partner/anyone away big time. And, they do this often.

 

Exactly! He did this at least 3 times and when he realized how bad he acted he was suddenly so kind to me.

 

Once we were walking the street and he was angry at me because "I was walking slowly". I told him that he won't talk to me in this tone and then he said: "I'm used to walk alone, so it made me upset." Many times I showed him my boundaries and then he accepted them. But sometimes I feel he is like a child who has a lot to learn, or how to say it.

I also told him that I feel he builds the walls around himself and doesn't want anyone to let in. And he asked me with completely innocent expression: "But it is good, isn't?" Immediately I felt like he thinks that everybody does it in the way he does.

 

So, do you think there is no way that he can "heal himself" somehow? Even if he find some therapist?

[Redhead14]

He also has only negative ideas about marriage, he says that "the wife limits the husband and she can forbid him to do a lot of things" etc. -- BINGO! The crowning revelation . . . fear of losing himself, engulfment, loss of freedom, smothering, etc. He is so used to being in his own world, doing his own thing, on his schedule, etc. He's never experienced or observed a healthy relationship and didn't have proper role modeling, etc.

 

But sometimes I feel he is like a child who has a lot to learn, or how to say it. -- Of course he is. He is emotionally stunted by default. That skillset hasn't been built upon or practiced or observed to much extent.

 

no way that he can "heal himself" -- There is no way he could ever do this by himself ever. Again, he doesn't have enough insight really to fully understand what's wrong with him and you cannot fix something unless you understand that it is broken or needs to be fixed. "But it is good, isn't?" -- This statement kinda indicates a lack of deep enough insight about it. He has a clue but . . .

 

Even if he find some therapist? -- It could happen, but it would take years and years. There is not enough time on your watch to wait for that to happen.

 

And before that can happen, he will have to go through an extremely painful and protracted process. Like I said earlier, if he had a partner around when that was going on, she would suffer even more than she had been previously. She will have been living a very lonely, unfulfilled emotional life if she stayed with him and then she would have to endure/watch the tear down of those walls which are holding back so much pain and ugliness (and much of that sadly, it just perceived that way by him). That has to happen before the re-build could happen.

 

When you leave him, and I hope you do, he will cry, he will declare his love for you. He does love you in his own way but it would always be on HIS terms, his schedule. He wants what he wants but it has to be the way HE wants it. He doesn't want to lose you, but he can't give you what you need. The truth is that after the dust of your departure settles, he will feel relieved almost immediately.

[Fridita]

He also has only negative ideas about marriage, he says that "the wife limits the husband and she can forbid him to do a lot of things" etc. -- BINGO! The crowning revelation . . . fear of losing himself, engulfment, loss of freedom, smothering, etc. He is so used to being in his own world, doing his own thing, on his schedule, etc. He's never experienced or observed a healthy relationship and didn't have proper role modeling, etc.

 

But sometimes I feel he is like a child who has a lot to learn, or how to say it. -- Of course he is. He is emotionally stunted by default. That skillset hasn't been built upon or practiced or observed to much extent.

 

no way that he can "heal himself" -- There is no way he could ever do this by himself ever. Again, he doesn't have enough insight really to fully understand what's wrong with him and you cannot fix something unless you understand that it is broken or needs to be fixed. "But it is good, isn't?" -- This statement kinda indicates a lack of deep enough insight about it. He has a clue but . . .

 

Even if he find some therapist? -- It could happen, but it would take years and years. There is not enough time on your watch to wait for that to happen.

 

And before that can happen, he will have to go through an extremely painful and protracted process. Like I said earlier, if he had a partner around when that was going on, she would suffer even more than she had been previously. She will have been living a very lonely, unfulfilled emotional life if she stayed with him and then she would have to endure/watch the tear down of those walls which are holding back so much pain and ugliness (and much of that sadly, it just perceived that way by him). That has to happen before the re-build could happen.

 

When you leave him, and I hope you do, he will cry, he will declare his love for you. He does love you in his own way but it would always be on HIS terms, his schedule. He wants what he wants but it has to be the way HE wants it. He doesn't want to lose you, but he can't give you what you need. The truth is that after the dust of your departure settles, he will feel relieved almost immediately.

 

 

I kind of broke up with him once. Well, I said: I think it will be better if we are friends, because...(many things). He was shocked, stared for a few minutes into the void, and then he asked: "is it your decision?" I wasn't sure (and he realized it). Next day I told him I cannot be only friend with him and I was sorry for what I said (I even cried). He tried to comfort me and he said that everything is ok.

 

Anyway. There is a last story I wanted to write here, because it really surprised me. When I was in his country, there was a guy who pursued me and also followed me to the house I lived in, although I told him clearly that I don't want to speak with him. The other day he also stalked me, he entered house again etc. I was quite scared. When my now-boyfriend found out about it, he asked me where I saw that guy and I had to show him. The guy was still there, and my boyfriend told him very strictly to let me be. Well, it all ended with a little fight (the guy attacked my boyfriend so he had to defend himself). It was a first time in my life when someone literally fought for my safety.

 

Honestly, my heart is pounding when I think about the pain he has inside. according to what you wrote here, it seems that relationship is something very difficult for him and that he absolutely doesn't understand all the positive things that love and good relationship can bring. It's so sad

Edited July 9, 2017 by Fridita

[smackie9]

Your BF could easily be suffering from Asperger Syndrome. From what you have posted, it makes a lot of sense about his lack of ability for intimacy, and his struggles to understand your feelings, emotional detachment and the so called "mask" he puts on that was mentioned by another poster. Sex and Asperger's Syndrome | Dr. Kenneth Roberson

[elaine567]

Please end it with this guy ASAP.

 

YOU are a woman who needs affection and cuddles and hugs and kisses and sex.

YOU need attention and love and made to feel special.

This man can never be the man to give you all that.

 

He may get better for a short while, then he will likely regress again back into his shell and where he is most comfortable.

YOU will be bending over backwards to make this man behave "normally", whilst losing yourself in the process.

YOU will be denying yourself the possibility of a normal happy life with a normal affectionate man.

[Fridita]

He also has only negative ideas about marriage, he says that "the wife limits the husband and she can forbid him to do a lot of things" etc. -- BINGO! The crowning revelation . . . fear of losing himself, engulfment, loss of freedom, smothering, etc. He is so used to being in his own world, doing his own thing, on his schedule, etc. He's never experienced or observed a healthy relationship and didn't have proper role modeling, etc.

 

But sometimes I feel he is like a child who has a lot to learn, or how to say it. -- Of course he is. He is emotionally stunted by default. That skillset hasn't been built upon or practiced or observed to much extent.

 

no way that he can "heal himself" -- There is no way he could ever do this by himself ever. Again, he doesn't have enough insight really to fully understand what's wrong with him and you cannot fix something unless you understand that it is broken or needs to be fixed. "But it is good, isn't?" -- This statement kinda indicates a lack of deep enough insight about it. He has a clue but . . .

 

Even if he find some therapist? -- It could happen, but it would take years and years. There is not enough time on your watch to wait for that to happen.

 

And before that can happen, he will have to go through an extremely painful and protracted process. Like I said earlier, if he had a partner around when that was going on, she would suffer even more than she had been previously. She will have been living a very lonely, unfulfilled emotional life if she stayed with him and then she would have to endure/watch the tear down of those walls which are holding back so much pain and ugliness (and much of that sadly, it just perceived that way by him). That has to happen before the re-build could happen.

 

When you leave him, and I hope you do, he will cry, he will declare his love for you. He does love you in his own way but it would always be on HIS terms, his schedule. He wants what he wants but it has to be the way HE wants it. He doesn't want to lose you, but he can't give you what you need. The truth is that after the dust of your departure settles, he will feel relieved almost immediately.

 

 

Btw. is a psychological projection typical for the people with intimacy issues? Because he does it A LOT. Sometimes he even accuses the others for something he does or thinks. E.g. once he didnt want to see his friends and he would rather have a walk. But he didnt want to admit that he doesn't want to see them, so he said: you don't want to see my friends, so we can take a walk here. I was like: what!?!?!