Relationship with man with fear of intimacy

[Fridita]

Does someone have experienced the relationship with the man/woman who has issues with intimacy?

 

I'm sure that my boyfriend has these problems, in the beggining of our relationships I even thought he is not that into me, but as time is going, I can see he really cares about me and he likes me/love me. He is generally friendly but very very detached person to others. He doesn't show emotions and he thinks it is bad to show emotions. And he has a period of withdrawing - in the begging it was quite often, the more he knows me the less he withdraws.

I can feel like he doesn't want to get too close, emotionally and sometimes physically. When we get closer (making love, spending more time together,...), he is ok but then he withdraw a bit. I feel like he is still keeping some space between us and he is letting me in very very slowly. It's is interesting, because he open up to me a lot after big disscussion when I told him that I feel like he is building walls around himself and that he is afraid of love.

 

His father died when he was 8 and his mother died when he was around 30. I think this could influenced him somehow.

 

He likes sex with me, but he doesn't want to have it often. He also told me that sometimes he feels like he is asexual.

 

I love him really a lot, but I'm quite affective person who likes closeness (although I also need slower approach than the average person).

 

Does someone have some tips about how to related to people with intimacy issues?

Edited July 6, 2017 by Fridita

[Gaeta]

Tips will not help you with a heavy case like this.

 

Romantic relationships are about intimacy, if he cannot deliver any type of intimacy then he is not relationship material. You need to move on and find a man capable of loving you back.

 

His story is sad but it's his to solve and deal with. This man can spend the rest of his life not being able to return affection so what's in it for you? You don't want to end up playing his shrink or his mother.

[coolheadal]

Does someone have experienced the relationship with the man/woman who has issues with intimacy?

 

I'm sure that my boyfriend has these problems, in the beggining of our relationships I even thought he is not that into me, but as time is going, I can see he really cares about me and he likes me/love me. He is generally friendly but very very detached person to others. He doesn't show emotions and he thinks it is bad to show emotions. And he has a period of withdrawing - in the begging it was quite often, the more he knows me the less he withdraws.

I can feel like he doesn't want to get too close, emotionally and sometimes physically. When we get closer (making love, spending more time together,...), he is ok but then he withdraw a bit. I feel like he is still keeping some space between us and he is letting me in very very slowly. It's is interesting, because he open up to me a lot after big disscussion when I told him that I feel like he is building walls around himself and that he is afraid of love.

 

His father died when he was 8 and his mother died when he was around 30. I think this could influenced him somehow.

 

He likes sex with me, but he doesn't want to have it often. He also told me that sometimes he feels like he is asexual.

 

I love him really a lot, but I'm quite affective person who likes closeness (although I also need slower approach than the average person).

 

Does someone have some tips about how to related to people with intimacy issues?

 

My child not much you can do with MR COLD FISH! This is unhealthy ego man! Best you get out of this toxic relationship now!

Edited July 7, 2017 by coolheadal

[Fridita]

@coolheadal: so do you think there is no chance that he will open up to me in time?

[Fridita]

Tips will not help you with a heavy case like this.

 

Romantic relationships are about intimacy, if he cannot deliver any type of intimacy then he is not relationship material. You need to move on and find a man capable of loving you back.

 

His story is sad but it's his to solve and deal with. This man can spend the rest of his life not being able to return affection so what's in it for you? You don't want to end up playing his shrink or his mother.

 

You are right, I don't want to play his mother at all. When I met him, it seemed strange to me that he was 41 (now he is 42) and single, never married, no children, never lived with a woman. He told me that he probably haven't meet the "right one" yet.

 

He can deliver a kind of intimacy, but then he usually withdraw. Or sometimes he is unsure what to do - e.g. I lie down beside him and put my hand on his chest. He seemed to be a bit unsure what to do, now he always put his hand on me also, but in a shy way. So, it's complex.

[Gaeta]

You are right, I don't want to play his mother at all. When I met him, it seemed strange to me that he was 41 (now he is 42) and single, never married, no children, never lived with a woman. He told me that he probably haven't meet the "right one" yet.

 

He can deliver a kind of intimacy, but then he usually withdraw. Or sometimes he is unsure what to do - e.g. I lie down beside him and put my hand on his chest. He seemed to be a bit unsure what to do, now he always put his hand on me also, but in a shy way. So, it's complex.

 

Now you know why he never had relationships before. Women probably see a good man in him at first but eventually get tired of his incapacity to connect and deliver intimicy.

 

How old are you?

 

What is worrisome on top of it all is that you rarely have sex and he feels he may be asexual. If the sex isn't good or often enough for one partner the relationship is rarely viable.

 

I have seen many couples staying in bad relationships because the sex was good but rarely seen a good relationship surviving if the sex was bad. Sex (intimicy) is the glue that holds everything together in a romantic relationship. Without it you are just friends.

[Fridita]

Now you know why he never had relationships before. Women probably see a good man in him at first but eventually get tired of his incapacity to connect and deliver intimicy.

 

How old are you?

 

What is worrisome on top of it all is that you rarely have sex and he feels he may be asexual. If the sex isn't good or often enough for one partner the relationship is rarely viable.

 

I have seen many couples staying in bad relationships because the sex was good but rarely seen a good relationship surviving if the sex was bad. Sex (intimicy) is the glue that holds everything together in a romantic relationship. Without it you are just friends.

 

I'm 29.

 

Well, about sex - in the beginning of the relationship we had it quite often. I mean, at least few times a week. Now we have it less, he can be one week without it. The thing is that we don't know each other for too long (almost 10 months). He said that "sex is not important" and that the world is over sexualized.

I know that living together for a few months wasn't good, since he hasn't lived with anyone before and it seemed like it stressed him. He also doesn't like to sleep in one bed together many nights, only 1-2 nights a week - he told me that this is the way he is used to.

[fred123]

I'm 29.

 

Well, about sex - in the beginning of the relationship we had it quite often. I mean, at least few times a week. Now we have it less, he can be one week without it. The thing is that we don't know each other for too long (almost 10 months). He said that "sex is not important" and that the world is over sexualized.

I know that living together for a few months wasn't good, since he hasn't lived with anyone before and it seemed like it stressed him. He also doesn't like to sleep in one bed together many nights, only 1-2 nights a week - he told me that this is the way he is used to.

 

Lol watch how the next girl he meets he is into he staying every night and having sex all the time. People change completely when theyre into someone

[Gaeta]

Tell me why at 29 this is the man you pick for yourself??

[Redhead14]

Does someone have experienced the relationship with the man/woman who has issues with intimacy?

 

I'm sure that my boyfriend has these problems, in the beggining of our relationships I even thought he is not that into me, but as time is going, I can see he really cares about me and he likes me/love me. He is generally friendly but very very detached person to others. He doesn't show emotions and he thinks it is bad to show emotions. And he has a period of withdrawing - in the begging it was quite often, the more he knows me the less he withdraws.

I can feel like he doesn't want to get too close, emotionally and sometimes physically. When we get closer (making love, spending more time together,...), he is ok but then he withdraw a bit. I feel like he is still keeping some space between us and he is letting me in very very slowly. It's is interesting, because he open up to me a lot after big disscussion when I told him that I feel like he is building walls around himself and that he is afraid of love.

 

His father died when he was 8 and his mother died when he was around 30. I think this could influenced him somehow.

 

He likes sex with me, but he doesn't want to have it often. He also told me that sometimes he feels like he is asexual.

 

I love him really a lot, but I'm quite affective person who likes closeness (although I also need slower approach than the average person).

 

Does someone have some tips about how to related to people with intimacy issues?

 

There is/are somethings he doesn't like about himself. People with a fear of intimacy are actually hiding themselves from others. Intimacy for these people is spelled "Into Me See". They can't get close to another person for fear of the other person seeing the "real them". It's engrained in them.

 

You cannot be his "savior" or the one who knocks those walls down because frankly you do not have the skills to help him do that nor should you want to take on a project like this.

 

Sometimes a woman will spend years with a man like this and she's very, very lonely and clinging to little crumbs that she views as signs of progress. She feels at times like he's coming around and, the fact is, that sometimes they do drop that curtain a little. But, when they do, they will pull back time and time again because fear overtakes them. Their partner is always anxious and fearful of losing them and each time they pull away, all that is heightened. I can tell you stories of women whose self-esteem/self-worth has been destroyed after years with a man like this. Co-dependents are drawn to men like this, so even that person usually has some significant issues they are dealing with themselves. Don't be one of them.

 

And, I will tell you something else . . . men/women like this are ones who often, even after years of having been with someone, will someday walk out the door and never be heard from again. Not a peep or warning! They cannot address their need to move on directly with the partner and it's easier for them to just shut the door. It happens very, very often with people who truly have a fear of intimacy.

 

You should end things with him right now. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

[Redhead14]

One more warning . . . if you happen to be with him and he does get to a point where his walls come crumbling down, you will be buried under the rubble. If/when that happens, everything inside of him -- the hatred for what/whoever caused all this in him, the anxieties, the self-loathing, etc. comes out in a flood. It's very painful to watch and you will feel completely helpless.

[Gaeta]

I'm 29.

 

Well, about sex - in the beginning of the relationship we had it quite often. I mean, at least few times a week. Now we have it less, he can be one week without it. The thing is that we don't know each other for too long (almost 10 months). He said that "sex is not important" and that the world is over sexualized.

I know that living together for a few months wasn't good, since he hasn't lived with anyone before and it seemed like it stressed him. He also doesn't like to sleep in one bed together many nights, only 1-2 nights a week - he told me that this is the way he is used to.

 

I read your last thread dated June 30th and you don't live in the same country. You don't plan on seeing him till next November or December. How does what you said is applied here? When did you live together? You said in your first thread that you were both tenants in the same building while you were living in his country.

[Fridita]

There is/are somethings he doesn't like about himself. People with a fear of intimacy are actually hiding themselves from others. Intimacy for these people is spelled "Into Me See". They can't get close to another person for fear of the other person seeing the "real them". It's engrained in them.

 

You cannot be his "savior" or the one who knocks those walls down because frankly you do not have the skills to help him do that nor should you want to take on a project like this.

 

Sometimes a woman will spend years with a man like this and she's very, very lonely and clinging to little crumbs that she views as signs of progress. She feels at times like he's coming around and, the fact is, that sometimes they do drop that curtain a little. But, when they do, they will pull back time and time again because fear overtakes them. Their partner is always anxious and fearful of losing them and each time they pull away, all that is heightened. I can tell you stories of women whose self-esteem/self-worth has been destroyed after years with a man like this. Co-dependents are drawn to men like this, so even that person usually has some significant issues they are dealing with themselves. Don't be one of them.

 

And, I will tell you something else . . . men/women like this are ones who often, even after years of having been with someone, will someday walk out the door and never be heard from again. Not a peep or warning! They cannot address their need to move on directly with the partner and it's easier for them to just shut the door. It happens very, very often with people who truly have a fear of intimacy.

 

You should end things with him right now. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

 

 

Thank you for your insights. So you think that it doesn't make sense and there is no hope for change, even if he is opening up more and more slowly?

 

It's interesting what you said because sometimes I'm scared (without reason) that he could be able to disappear completely from the relationship. But his relationship ended because his ex girlfriend broke up with him, it wasn't him who ended it. Anyway, I don't know much about his other relationships.

 

The thing is that I somehow know real him - part of it is my intuition. and I told him what I think about him and what I see in him - he seemed to be surprised but since then he open up to me more. I was convinced that love and patience is enough to make a change. And I don't know why, but I trust him in many things. but I''m also scared of getting hurt because of my last relationship experience.

 

And yes, I already saw his anger. He had a fury of rage because he "needed a space". Later he realized that his behavior wasn't ok so he was so sweet. It was first situation when I felt like there is something strange.

[Fridita]

Tell me why at 29 this is the man you pick for yourself??

 

Honestly, I felt in love with him so much. On the other side, he has many qualities that I always wanted and I haven't found in any men yet.

[Fridita]

I read your last thread dated June 30th and you don't live in the same country. You don't plan on seeing him till next November or December. How does what you said is applied here? When did you live together? You said in your first thread that you were both tenants in the same building while you were living in his country.

 

We lived together for two months when I was in his country and then again when I went to his country for three months. The second time in his country I was living at the other place but I was visiting him for a weekends or also for a week or two in a row. Although he needs space, he also wanted me to be at his flat. It was a bit strange. When I told him - I'm leaving to the other place because we both need space (I'm also not a fan of living together) he was sad and after a few days he wrote me that I can come back to his flat again.

[Redhead14]

We lived together for two months when I was in his country and then again when I went to his country for three months. The second time in his country I was living at the other place but I was visiting him for a weekends or also for a week or two in a row. Although he needs space, he also wanted me to be at his flat. It was a bit strange. When I told him - I'm leaving to the other place because we both need space (I'm also not a fan of living together) he was sad and after a few days he wrote me that I can come back to his flat again.

 

They want and need the company/closeness of a woman, but they cannot maintain it. And, they can co-exist with someone but they can compartmentalize very, very well. They are living a separate existence in their heads. That invisible wall exists. You basically live separate lives and they are operating on mental/emotional/social auto-pilot . . .

[Fridita]

They want and need the company/closeness of a woman, but they cannot maintain it. And, they can co-exist with someone but they can compartmentalize very, very well. They are living a separate existence in their heads. That invisible wall exists. You basically live separate lives and they are operating on mental/emotional/social auto-pilot . . .

 

Hmm, interesting. That's exactly how I felt - he needs my company, but he is not able to maintain it.

What do you mean with "separate existence in their heads"? Something like - they don't realize the others and how they really are?

[Redhead14]

Hmm, interesting. That's exactly how I felt - he needs my company, but he is not able to maintain it.

What do you mean with "separate existence in their heads"? Something like - they don't realize the others and how they really are?

 

They are disconnected, robotic, self-contained. They live inside a mental 'fish bowl'. They are aware of how others really are and that's what scares them. If they sense strong emotion from a partner or others, they are full of anxiety and they dissociate from it.

[Gaeta]

Honestly, I felt in love with him so much. On the other side, he has many qualities that I always wanted and I haven't found in any men yet.

 

We all have qualities, even serial-killers have nice qualities. It does not make them fit to be an adequate romantic partner. Also, you having feelings for him, isn't a reason at all for pursuing this man. We all have fallen in love with the wrong man at some point. It did not make it right because we loved them.

 

You are 29 years old, you have not reached your sexual peak yet and he's barely interested in sex. You are going to become more and more sexual and he's going down hill.

 

You are my daughter's age. I would want better for my daughter than to get crumbs here and there from a man a decade older than her. I would want her to be all the way in love and being loved back. There is nothing equal to being loved, desired by the man we love.

[Redhead14]

If you asked them, under the right conditions, how they "feel" in the world, they will tell you something like it feels like they are wearing a costume or mask. They feel like they live inside of something and peering out through holes or behind a curtain. They are aware that they are putting up a front for the world to see, while behind all that there is turmoil and confusion and extreme loneliness.

 

he has many qualities that I always wanted and I haven't found in any men yet -- They know how they should be in the world and try very hard to present that image but they cannot keep that up for long.

Edited July 7, 2017 by Redhead14

[Fridita]

We all have qualities, even serial-killers have nice qualities. It does not make them fit to be an adequate romantic partner. Also, you having feelings for him, isn't a reason at all for pursuing this man. We all have fallen in love with the wrong man at some point. It did not make it right because we loved them.

 

You are 29 years old, you have not reached your sexual peak yet and he's barely interested in sex. You are going to become more and more sexual and he's going down hill.

 

You are my daughter's age. I would want better for my daughter than to get crumbs here and there from a man a decade older than her. I would want her to be all the way in love and being loved back. There is nothing equal to being loved, desired by the man we love.

 

You are right. Sometimes I feel like I deserve better. Other times I think that maybe I'm wrong and it's me who is doing "mistakes" in this relationship. But deep down I know that all this situation is pretty complicated.

I even tried to break up with him few months ago, but I took it back. Honestly, I think I don't know how is it to be loved fully by a man I love. I fully loved only two men in my life, and I couldn't have relationship with the first one. The second one seemed to be pretty complicated. I think there is also something wrong with me.

 

Anyway, thank you so much for you words and insights.

[Fridita]

If you asked them, under the right conditions, how they "feel" in the world, they will tell you something like it feels like they are wearing a costume or mask. They feel like they live inside of something and peering out through holes or behind a curtain. They are aware that they are putting up a front for the world to see, while behind all that there is turmoil and confusion and extreme loneliness.

 

he has many qualities that I always wanted and I haven't found in any men yet -- They know how they should be in the world and try very hard to present that image but they cannot keep that up for long.

 

Can I ask you how do you know all these things so well?

Are these people also narcissists or is it typical for them to have narcissistic traits?

[Redhead14]

Can I ask you how do you know all these things so well?

Are these people also narcissists or is it typical for them to have narcissistic traits?

 

Sometimes they possess what appear to be narcissistic traits but it's not diagnosable narcissism or even narcissistic traits at all, it's simply that they are just self-involved. They like lots of alone time even if they are lonely. They aren't used to thinking about anyone else's needs and don't interact that way very well.

 

I know these things because I am completing my PhD in psychology/psychiatry and have counseled/interviewed and profiled hundreds of clients/clinical patients. And, I am on these boards mostly for research purposes but I have found them to be very interesting and participate regularly and not as a professional.

 

I cannot tell you with any certainty that this man actually does or doesn't have fear of intimacy, because I've never met him, but you did point out some of the typical behaviors and attitudes.

 

More importantly, it's how you say you're feeling in the situation that gives me a heads up to at least that possibility. It could be something else or a combination of things too. There's no way to know for sure.

 

In the end with this guy, no matter what's going on with him, you aren't getting what you need from him for a satisfying relationship and you can't make him be what you need, you can't do that with anyone.

 

People with fear of intimacy are not bad people or dangerous unless there is some co-morbid condition. They just make bad relationship partners.

[Arieswoman]

Fridita,

My 6 penneth, based on my own experiences, is that you should get out of this relationship now.

 

I married a man just as you describe. It was a long distance relationship and he was a shift worker. I moved to be near him and we got married. After 4 years of being lonely in the marriage, I asked him to get a job that didn't involve shifts and he did.

 

He didn't change when he was working days. I had, wrongly, blamed his lack of libido and affection on being tired. It was nothing to do with work, it was how he was.

I tried to get him to put more effort into the marriage emotionally, physically and mentally. I told him I was fed-up with carrying the whole relationship. His response was to cheat, no doubt to seek someone less "demanding"

 

Gaeta asks a good question;

 

Tell me why at 29 this is the man you pick for yourself??

 

I was brought up by cold, undemonstrative parents, so this situation felt familiar to me. This is why I gravitated towards it.

 

It took an acrimonious divorce and therapy to make me understand why I made the choices I did.

 

Please don't make the mistake I did.

[Fridita]

 

I know these things because I am completing my PhD in psychology/psychiatry and have counseled/interviewed and profiled hundreds of clients/clinical patients. And, I am on these boards mostly for research purposes but I have found them to be very interesting and participate regularly and not as a professional.

 

I cannot tell you with any certainty that this man actually does or doesn't have fear of intimacy, because I've never met him, but you did point out some of the typical behaviors and attitudes.

 

More importantly, it's how you say you're feeling in the situation that gives me a heads up to at least that possibility. It could be something else or a combination of things too. There's no way to know for sure.

 

People with fear of intimacy are not bad people or dangerous unless there is some co-morbid condition. They just make bad relationship partners.

 

Ahh, I see. Thank you so much for your explanation. But are these people (with intimacy issues) aware that they have this problem? Or do they feel normal being like that?

 

I was asking about narcissistic traits because when we call on Skype, he is often looking at himself in the camera image and he has so many photos of himself in the wall of his room.

 

I remember the time he told me that he feels something to me, and immediately he said: "but I don't want to do any mistake with you." I asked him what does he mean and he answered: "because I did many mistakes in my life."

I know, maybe this should warn me.

From this I deduced that he is aware of the fact that something with him isn't right.

At the beginning of the relationship he was so attentive but also cold in the same time (hard to describe). When we were eating out together, he was looking around or at his food, barely at me. Firstly I though it is because he is shy.

 

When I was leaving his country after our first meeting and almost two months of dating, he cried so much that I was surprised by it. Because 70% of the time he did things alone and didn't seem to be interested in doing more together. I was thinking: "he is so sad that I'm leaving so why he didn't spend more time with me when he knew that I will leave?"

The same thing happened second time I was there.

 

He doesn't plan things to do together, when I tell him I would like to do something, he says ok and he goes with me if he can immediately OR after a long time. And he doesn't like to say WHEN, he chooses a day, he says: do you have time to go out today? and then we end up in the place I wanted to visit. It's a bit strange way.

 

But I realized that if I'm sad or when I cry, he is always supportive, he hugs me, tries to comfort me (although it's a bit clumsy, like he doesn't know what to do).

 

And he is very moody.

 

Well, I don't know why I'm writing all these things here. I probably need to say it or to know what is going on there. But it doesn't change the fact that it's not a good situation...