jenamoon19 Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 I've posted this on other forums but I want as much feedback as I can get. My boyfriend and I met before high school and have lasted all through school including college (we are both almost done) we've been together about 9 years now. A few years ago we had a break up and he ended up regretting his decision and asked for me back. He said he had never been more miserable, and I could say the same. We have a very healthy relationship, communicate often about whatever is bothering us, we see each other...all of a sudden one day he came to me and said he was having doubts about us. Naturally, I was quite surprised. I thought it was going very well, and I was excited to begin a future with him. He told me all I had been doing lately is complain about my life (I agreed, I've definitely been whiny) and he wasn't sure how we'd work out as adults together-- we haven't lived together yet. He also claimed to be generally unhappy for the past few months, again, a surprise to me. There are other factors that are putting pressure on him such as finding a full time job and finishing college at a very demanding school. We talked a lot last night about it. After he told me about his doubts a few days ago, I tried to be as supportive as I could. I put my issues on the back burner and focused on his feelings. He said he didn't feel any different. I cherish our relationship so much. I don't know what else to do. I am broken and hurt. To be told the love of your life has doubts and may possibly not love you the same anymore...its rough. He says he still loves me but when I asked if he may be falling out of love he said "I don't know, I hope not. Maybe I am a little bit." That was hard to hear. I tried explaining to him that it's normal to have these kind of feelings at some point (we can't be perfect all the time) especially since we are making the transition to actual adulthood. I read a few other posts and some people said that at this point in our lives, the "butterflies" are fading away, and instead, leaving something much deeper and genuine. (Which I mentioned to him, and he said it kind of made sense.) He doesn't seem like he wants to cut me out of his life, I suggested maybe a break-type thing would be beneficial but he didn't like the idea. He can be emotionally sensitive, and gets distraught when things aren't 100% awesome all of the time. I guess I'm also just upset since for the past 9 years of my life I have looked forward to living with him and becoming life partners. There is nobody else I imagine myself with, since it seems we were literally meant for each other (as far as our likes/dislikes and overall personalities and humor go.) It almost seems like a waste for him to throw it all away...especially since the good definitely outweighs the bad in our relationship. I just needed some input/personal experiences etc. Anything at all.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 I'm sorry this is happening, OP. I know it's very hard. Honestly, relationships that begin so young have a low survival rate these days. It's not because you've done anything wrong, but rather that most people don't settle down with their first and only love. We grow and change and want to explore new things and new people before deciding to commit to one person forever. I don't mean to suggest he's already got someone else lined up. However, he likely does have an urge to get out and spread his wings, so to speak. You're more or less all he knows (and vice versa) Most young people do have some curiosity about what else is out there. I think your best bet is to give him some space and time. It's not impossible that he will have a change of heart and want to stay together, but you also need to be prepared for the alternative. Perhaps this is a good time for you to re-evalaute your feelings for him as well. You might just see that while you two are certainly very comfortable together, you are not the match you once were as teens. 2
lana-banana Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 You are both so, so young; nine years is as incredibly long time to spend with someone when you're growing up. As graduation approaches he's probably realizing he has been with you for so long he doesn't remember a time without you. Meanwhile he's also probably discovering just how big the world really is. A break is always a prelude to a breakup. If this is what he wants, let him go. If he wants to come back someday, he will, but don't live your life waiting for him.
Whodatdog Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Its obvious neither one of you have had other relationships. When you start a relationship at such a young age, you've been together 9 years and you're still in school; you two are not the same people you were 9 years ago, and you wont be the same people 5 years from now. Part of life experiences are interactions with other people, and being in a relationship so young stifles you from those important interactions. Im not saying it can't work, but its unlikely. 1
foxgloves Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Breaks ups are so hard. Hence, being on this website. Nine years is a fairly long time considering the span of our lifetimes. It seems natural to want to see what else is out there. Maybe to wonder what it is like to see different people. Its truly not for everyone (I haven't been able to go through with it myself), but maybe discussing having a open-type of situation, could be a possibility. I know this is controversial and out of the question for some, but life is just so short. Some people feel the need to explore, and maybe even realize that they liked what they had in the first place. I think it such a challenging thing to imagine your loved one being with a different person..being intimate emotionally or physically. But I also imagine there could be a sense of freedom in feeling that you are with a person because you choose to be, not because you feel obligated. Relationships are challenging because they can begin to feel like an emotional trap. Don't know if this was helpful at all. Good luck
SpecialJ Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 "He can be emotionally sensitive, and gets distraught when things aren't 100% awesome all of the time." No matter how he feels about you, this is a huge red flag about his maturity level and being ready to be a really serious partner. Things can never be awesome 100% of the time, and lots of issues come up in marriage (illness, job loss, children, etc.), and part of being an adult is managing to deal with those issues without getting distraught. He needs to work some things out for himself in his life to become an adult before you two can get to the next relationship stage you're talking about. So I think his doubts are part of growing up and starting to change as a person and learning more about what he wants in life, which is natural at this age. I hope you're able to figure it out together, but because you are so young, a break and exploration of either dating or just what it's like to be completely independent may not end up being the worst thing. It will feel horrible if it comes to that, but it's possible you two will both end up stronger for it. It may help to talk to him about what you two can do to create enough space for you two to grow and then see if you grow together or apart. But really ask him what he thinks he might need from you in order to have the space to figure himself out now that college is winding down. What does that look like? As another poster suggested, maybe that means opening up the relationship. Maybe it means he goes on a long trip after graduation alone and just does his own thing (but stay committed to you while away). And what do you need? Maybe he has some totally different ideas, and maybe he will decide it's best to break up. In which case you can always post here for more support
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