JohnFlex Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) I feel I’m in a difficult situation right now. Nine months ago my father unexpectedly passed away (he was living with me mother) at the age of 60 living in a small town in Belgium. I’m 30. Of course I was extremely sad and heartbroken. However when I came back from Belgium after two weeks to Sweden , where I live, it felt almost directly as business-as-usual. (Note: Although I live here for quite some time I don't speak the language as the people I interact daily with at work are all international. Furthermore I also don't have the intention to stay here longterm) Actually I started focusing more and more on my work, working in evenings and weekends. I also stopped hanging out with friends and refrained from calling my friends back in Belgium (I know write this in hindsight, as this is not how I experienced it back then). All the time I was supported by my girlfriend. I met her when we both moved here to share an office at the same company, now 4 years ago. She was at that time in a relationship for 10 years, engaged and about to get married. We, together with another (female) colleague became good friends, hanging out often. I did not had any romantic feelings for her at that time. However, after a few months she broke up with he fiancée. And a few months later we started dating and ended up being a couple, half a year later we moved in together. This is now almost 3.5 years ago and it was an extremely fun time. We traveled a lot and just had a great time, we even spun out a start-up from our initial job (we are both the only employees still, with only a few contractors). During our time together she would sometimes state that she feels she is not the person for a relationship as she has a hard time believing one can commit to someone indefinitely. From time to time she would also voice the desire to live alone for sometime. The first topic I always ignored as some surrealistic life contemplation and the second topic I always responded that I thought it was not appropriate that when one lives together to move out again (I don’t agree with this now anymore). So fast-forward to when my father died, as I said I alienated myself from my social life, only focusing on work and having my girlfriend as only emotional go-to point. At the same time she would more regularly express her desire to live alone for some time. I don’t think I was very happy during that period, but I would not show it at work, and to my girlfriend I would just be a bit rude and blunt. We also stopped having sex as she said she did not want to have me close anymore and did not want to be naked around me anymore. I just ignored this as a phase of non-interest from her side. Two months ago we had to move out of our apartment as the lease ended, I already found as a new place, but last minute we could also stay in the old apartment. So in this kind of situation I naturally moved to the new place whereas she stayed back in our old house. For the first week this went fine and it felt actually pretty good to have a bit of air and the excitement of a new place. In the weekend we went on a small hike together where she told be she is not in love with me anymore and does not feel attracted to me anymore. When I asked her what this implied she said: “I’m having a hard time telling other people I’m having a boyfriend”. This really hit me bomb. I never expected this; I thought we were just going through a bad phase. I thought, and even still something think, it is all a bad dream. The next day I found myself completely lost on the street, I don’t remember much of it but I somehow called her and she picked me up and brought me home. This was a super scary experience for me as I’ve never ever been able to not rationalize my thoughts (I’m trained as an engineer and thus a bit of a nerd) or put things in perspective. A day later I went to a psychotherapist for help and got back with some breath and meditation exercises. They really gave me a bit of stability. I’m not completely clear on what all caused this, but it is definitely a combination of the fact that my father passed away, my girlfriend leaving my, and my contract at my current job ending at the end of the year. I still continue to have these 'panic attacks' like once a week, the best thing is to just call directly my brother, who can then calm me down. I just get entangled in dark thoughts, of no purpose in life anymore, no people around me, just vast amounts of emptiness and sadness. I also stopped working that week and the rest of the month I was travelling alone for work and pleasure through the US and Asia. I cried a lot during my trip of my loss, but also enjoyed being somewhere else. At the same time my girlfriend really urged me to start connecting with my friends and brother again. So I now regularly (every other day) call them. I’m now back home again but I feel extremely sad here. Everything I see and do reminds me of her, while I was travelling it was a bit easier because I was constantly experiencing new things. At the same time we continued texting with each other. She made it clear that she is not in love with me anymore and does not want to share all the things in life that we used to share. So even small things no wishing each other a good night when one goes to bed etc. But every time she calls or text I interpret this as a sign of interest (or love?) in me. What probably would be best is if we (would) have stopped communicating, but I have to admit that she also really assisted me to come through my dark times. The problem is that our current situation is very much in limbo. I still like her a lot, actually during my month travelling I realized that even more. She is also the one who really helps me getting through my dark moments (although I often try to call my brother instead). She is a beautiful person with a great personality; she is also very honest with me. However she stated she is not in love with me at this point, however when she thinks about the long-term future, she cannot imagine it is without me. She says that this is a period where a lot of couples go through but instead of staying together she decided to move out and breakup (?). So she says she is doubting whether she should now then engage in spending time with me, although she knows she is not sexually attracted to me but it will keep us together in the future, or wither we should completely breakup. She also says I am a very important person for her. From my side I feel I cannot make my mind up clear, because I would just like her back, lying next to me. I don’t have to live together with her, but just having a romantic relationship with her and sharing our life would be what I want. On the other hand I cannot imagine being with someone who actively is not attracted to me. I can already feel I’m getting very jealous if I only she her liking a picture of some other dude on facebook, so I think its time to settle on something. I do feel I’m getting a bit more self-confidence, but since I alienated myself so much the last year I only have 1 friend I can really talk to left here. To the rest I talk on the phone, but I just notice I miss having these physical conversations of silence and crying. When I’m sitting alone in my apartment I’m often crying and it really hurts a lot, the thought of being alone. Since my job is pretty flexible I’m working half days and the rest of the day I’m trying to relax or write on my notes. I told her that next week (as I’m travelling this weekend to meet up with friends in Belgium) we should have a serious sit down and decide on what we are going to do (my friends idea). So I thought, maybe we should just go cold-turkey and have no contact at all, but since we still work at the same workplace and work on a startup this is pretty much undoable. What would be a good we way for me/us to continue, is it time for us to go separate ways or should we give it a shot (but how?)? Edited July 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~T
Ariadne Posted July 6, 2017 Posted July 6, 2017 Hi JohnFlex, I see you are having a hard time with this situation in limbo, and sorry about your father. Well, one thing you have to accept in life is that change is inevitable, and that you will lose the things that you have at some point. It was tough when it happened all at once, but the best thing to do is to focus on what is the life of JohnFlex now. Well, you have a new place, freedom, some money to spend, and a lot of things to be happy about. You have to be happy with what you have, there is no point in clinging to something in order to be happy. This time you have to be patient with your girl and let things run their course. Whether to develop a friendship that will last a long time, maybe get back together, maybe you´ll meet somebody else. You never know! Just be open and positive and accept things as they are. Best to you John! Ps: You can also get a pet. They live in the moment and will fill you with love!
Maldives Posted July 7, 2017 Posted July 7, 2017 Hi JohnFlex, I see you are having a hard time with this situation in limbo, and sorry about your father. Well, one thing you have to accept in life is that change is inevitable, and that you will lose the things that you have at some point. It was tough when it happened all at once, but the best thing to do is to focus on what is the life of JohnFlex now. Well, you have a new place, freedom, some money to spend, and a lot of things to be happy about. You have to be happy with what you have, there is no point in clinging to something in order to be happy. This time you have to be patient with your girl and let things run their course. Whether to develop a friendship that will last a long time, maybe get back together, maybe you´ll meet somebody else. You never know! Just be open and positive and accept things as they are. Best to you John! Ps: You can also get a pet. They live in the moment and will fill you with love! Dude its over she Said she doesn't love u anymore that's a huuuuuuge red flag take her at her word what part of I don't love u dont u get? U think she's making it up? She's not why would u wanna accept anything less than love? She's met someone else and u still wanna back lol have u got rocks in ur head she's letting u down easy for ur benefit define som boundaries wth her and tell her not to contact u anymore so u can get over her. She's feeling guilty for hurting u sorry to be so Blumy but I feel u really got ur rose coloured glasses on this instance.
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